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Thread: How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    A lot of what I read, seemed to be the narrative from your perspective, without a lot insight into what her perspective is.

    10 years has changed you both, in ways that you could never know or guess. You have zero insight into anything about her or her life.

    You said:
    "All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. "

    This stuck out to me, as something you have worked out as a natural conclusion to your own perspective. But you have no idea what she actually needs or what is happening in her life. There is no "we" in present tense.

    And just because she is not married, it doesn't mean she is open to hearing from you. Its a giant leap from not married, to wanting to hear from a guy from high school.

    I can honestly tell you, anyone from high school I want to be in contact with, I am in contact with. And I think most people, living in this world of social media, have similiar outlooks.

    Your best option is to keep moving forward with your own life. Stop telling yourself your type is extremely rare. That is not only BS, its a self fulfilling prophecy.... the world is full of people. Don't limit yourself to just one.
    I have nvld, which causes issues with understanding social signals. A symptom is lack of theory of mind. I don't know what she currently wants I'm just trying to figure out how to restore my name. I just need that inductive first step.

    Again, she's not in contact with anyone from high school, as she keeps people at a distance. She felt comfortable keeping me around for a time. It's when I opened up to her, and she took me expressing deep connection to her as an attack.

    There's a we in terms of how I relate to her. (I carry a copy and have conversations with the version of her I carry with me) I can leave her alone just fine. It's just from knowing her she's not exactly the type that reaches out.

    The only options are getting mutual friends who have lost touch to vouch for me, or wait for the next high school reunion, which she most likely will not attend.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I mean this with respect, but I think somewhere along the way you've kind of assigned this woman meaning that no human being actually has. I think, more to the point, that you've made her into a kind of vessel in which to work through your own issues, at least in theory, while in reality using her to avoid the full work out. Just my opinion here, of course, but I'm a big believer that when we go this deep in a psychological autopsy on another human being it's because we're trying to avoid a closer look at our own wiring.

    Let's break down the facts, not the theories. She is someone you dated, when you were a teenager. You are now an adult, as is she. The world is filled—and I mean to the brim—with people whose adolescent relationships were a hot mess of love, attraction, insecurity, incompatibly, and immaturity, ending in a tragic little fire of regret and sorrow and self-recrimination. Is what it is—and therapy, all in all, is about learning to land on that spot. Was what it was.

    You're writing about her as if you know her, understand her, perhaps even better than she understands herself, which can verge on arrogance. You see her emotional equilibrium, where it was affected by childhood trauma, resulting in x, y, and z. But that person you're talking about? She has not existed for years. Years. That's just your imagination, holding the prism of the past to the light and turning, turning, turning, looking at all the colors and cataloguing them. It's a good exercise to move forward, but a dangerous one if it keeps you suspended in a world where you're trying to bridge what was to what could be. Means you miss out on the truest experience of all, which is what is.

    "There's nothing to fix," she said. Her truth. If my girlfriend, with whom I live with, said that to me this evening I would be crushed every which way to Sunday. I'd lose the plot for a good stretch, no doubt. But that truth of hers would eclipse whatever truth my brain wanted to produce, and my work—in therapy, say—would be about coming to terms with that, so instead of breaking the brain to fix what broke I could mend the heart to just be ready for something that works, in reality.

    You seem to have a lot of familiarity with the language of psychology, so perhaps you're aware of the 5 stages of grief. I get the feeling that you've sidestepped the last stage (acceptance) by circling around the third (bargaining). There is comfort to that, of course, because it provides a sense that you are the key that can unlock all the gold, if only you can figure out a way back to the treasure chest that is her. But that comfort comes at a high cost, and perhaps it's time to see that toll rather than to see if you can fix something that never quite worked so you can find something that really does.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Have you spoken at all to her in 10 years?

  4. #14
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    No. I was discarded with her other friends. I was just the last one she dropped.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Then you must realize that the person you once knew, is not the same person today. 10 years is a long time and you talk like you know her and that nothing has changed.

    You two are virtually strangers at this point. Time changes things so much. I'm not sure anyone of us can say we are still the people we used to be 10 years ago.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I mean this with respect, but I think somewhere along the way you've kind of assigned this woman meaning that no human being actually has. I think, more to the point, that you've made her into a kind of vessel in which to work through your own issues, at least in theory, while in reality using her to avoid the full work out. Just my opinion here, of course, but I'm a big believer that when we go this deep in a psychological autopsy on another human being it's because we're trying to avoid a closer look at our own wiring.

    Let's break down the facts, not the theories. She is someone you dated, when you were a teenager. You are now an adult, as is she. The world is filled—and I mean to the brim—with people whose adolescent relationships were a hot mess of love, attraction, insecurity, incompatibly, and immaturity, ending in a tragic little fire of regret and sorrow and self-recrimination. Is what it is—and therapy, all in all, is about learning to land on that spot. Was what it was.

    You're writing about her as if you know her, understand her, perhaps even better than she understands herself, which can verge on arrogance. You see her emotional equilibrium, where it was affected by childhood trauma, resulting in x, y, and z. But that person you're talking about? She has not existed for years. Years. That's just your imagination, holding the prism of the past to the light and turning, turning, turning, looking at all the colors and cataloguing them. It's a good exercise to move forward, but a dangerous one if it keeps you suspended in a world where you're trying to bridge what was to what could be. Means you miss out on the truest experience of all, which is what is.

    "There's nothing to fix," she said. Her truth. If my girlfriend, with whom I live with, said that to me this evening I would be crushed every which way to Sunday. I'd lose the plot for a good stretch, no doubt. But that truth of hers would eclipse whatever truth my brain wanted to produce, and my work—in therapy, say—would be about coming to terms with that, so instead of breaking the brain to fix what broke I could mend the heart to just be ready for something that works, in reality.

    You seem to have a lot of familiarity with the language of psychology, so perhaps you're aware of the 5 stages of grief. I get the feeling that you've sidestepped the last stage (acceptance) by circling around the third (bargaining). There is comfort to that, of course, because it provides a sense that you are the key that can unlock all the gold, if only you can figure out a way back to the treasure chest that is her. But that comfort comes at a high cost, and perhaps it's time to see that toll rather than to see if you can fix something that never quite worked so you can find something that really does.
    Really, all we probably need is one mdma session to get us communicating again. (If she actually has BPD I'm hesitant to proposition it) I just need to figure out a way in. There's a Catch 22 here where I can't do anything to repair things between us, unless she takes a step, but she will only reach out to me if she's completely isolated. I'm fine with not dating, but I would want to if things workedout logistically.

  8. #17
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    I don't really agree with that. I see it more as people don't really change. The circumstances around them might, but not the actual people. I've had friendships start up again, without missing a beat.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Then you must realize that the person you once knew, is not the same person today. 10 years is a long time and you talk like you know her and that nothing has changed.

    You two are virtually strangers at this point. Time changes things so much. I'm not sure anyone of us can say we are still the people we used to be 10 years ago.
    I don't really agree with that. I see it more as people don't really change. The circumstances around them might, but not the actual people. I've had friendships start up again, without missing a beat, and we went for years without talking.

    This is just years of us miscommunicating. If anything she sees me as an unpleasant threat, as the other guys were more open to dating casually, while I dig up issues she'd rather avoid. (never spoke about the break up, despite maintaining close friendship for five years afterwards) I was always having to manage her emotions, and be very careful to avoid setting her off, or I was getting hit, silent treatment, unhelpful criticism, etc. Hell, we were getting into fights over her believing I was mocking her when I was just talking about issues we both share.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Are you still seeing a therapist? If so, I’m curious what he or she says about your belief that you could get right back in track with her by dropping some mdma together. Most people, even those like myself with pretty liberal views about such substances, would be severely uncomfortable with the idea of someone from our past thinking we could be the answer to their future with a dose of a hard drugs.

    I’m not sure you’ve realized it, since you’re doing the same thing to us internet strangers here, but you are negating her truth over and over in favor of yours, and in the process dehumanizing her, reducing her to an idea. It takes a tremendous amount of ego to believe we can understand a human being as well as you seem to believe you understand her, and even more ego when we are talking about someone we have had zero contact with in a decade. Learning to separate our ego from our head and heart—well, it’s another tightrope walk that therapy can be good for.

    I wish you luck with all this, but I do hope you find luck in letting go of these stories. In the course of your life, you have spent very, very little time with this woman, and that time spent is verging on a half a lifetime ago. I get that she glows bright in your head, but you have more control over that spotlight than you know. It is lonesome in the dark, yes, but not quite as lonesome as trying to find your way with this sort of light.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Are you still seeing a therapist? If so, I’m curious what he or she says about your belief that you could get right back in track with her by dropping some mdma together. Most people, even those like myself with pretty liberal views about such substances, would be severely uncomfortable with the idea of someone from our past thinking we could be the answer to their future with a dose of a hard drugs.

    I’m not sure you’ve realized it, since you’re doing the same thing to us internet strangers here, but you are negating her truth over and over in favor of yours, and in the process dehumanizing her, reducing her to an idea. It takes a tremendous amount of ego to believe we can understand a human being as well as you seem to believe you understand her, and even more ego when we are talking about someone we have had zero contact with in a decade. Learning to separate our ego from our head and heart—well, it’s another tightrope walk that therapy can be good for.

    I wish you luck with all this, but I do hope you find luck in letting go of these stories. In the course of your life, you have spent very, very little time with this woman, and that time spent is verging on a half a lifetime ago. I get that she glows bright in your head, but you have more control over that spotlight than you know. It is lonesome in the dark, yes, but not quite as lonesome as trying to find your way with this sort of light.
    I'm saying from how the experience works in a therapeutic setting. A lot of damage can be undone with a mdma dose between two people. It would force us to empathize with each other. Of course, that would only be done if she wants to. I'm looking for ways to melt the barriers she erected. So, we're in a catch 22, also known as knowing something is possible, but not having access to the means of achieving it. (here it's willing to have a five minute conversation, and actually slowly address demons)

    How am I supposed to disagree with your advice, without dehumanizing you? The BPD and avoidant thing is not just coming from me, but from knowing her very well. Did she have an official diagnosis, no. BPD just fits the behaviors, and bipolar doesn't really fit hourly mood shifts. I was perfect at a concert, but the second I missed a turn some vile disparaging language would be used for me. There were also little periodic tests given.

    Essentially, we have extremely similar issues from our past. (talking about my personal problems she'll see herself in there) I have insight into what she's going through by being highly anxious and consciously aware of the types of thoughts her subconscious pushes out. (from reading up on avoidant attachment) Now, am I completely correct in my assessment of her. No. Will she admit I'm right? probably not. If we were still in a relationship she would recognize an unhealthy dynamic, but not see her culpability in prolonging it? Definitely. She clearly responded to the death of her mother by keeping people at a distance to prevent the same hurt. Would I say that to her? No, but I would recommend talking to a therapist about her relationship with her father. (she brought his porn in in high school) All I'm saying is whether she seeks treatment or not there's almost no way she's going to pull off a long term relationship with anyone. Yes, I do want to save her from a personal hell, as I feel I owe it to her out of duty from her helping me get through some difficult times.

    How am I negating her truth, by trying to repair a damaged relationship we both let die? Again, she's an avoidant the truth she tells herself avoids uncomfortable feelings. With me being anxiously attached I'm literally in those feelings all day.

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