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Thread: Friends are all having babies - feeling depressed?!

  1. #1
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    Friends are all having babies - feeling depressed?!

    I guess I am feeling pretty depressed because it seems like all my friends are having children or in serious relationships. I am turning 25 in a month and it's like everyone is getting pregnant in the last while and they are all my age or a year older. I feel pretty depressed about it and how it will change my friendships and I know it's selfish. I just got out of a year long relationship and trying to date again.

    My best friend of many years is trying to get pregnant with a man she hardly knows, just because she s 26 and feels like she is running out of time. I am not sure if he knows she is trying to, but I just can't get over that I will be sort of losing my best friend because we do so many fun "single" girl things together. I want to tell her it might be a bad idea as she hardly knows him and she doesn't have a job right now and lives at home, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

    Another friend of mine who I was just getting really close with and spending a lot of time with just found out she is having child #2 and is only 22 years old!

    My ex also just got into a relationship after 3 months of being broken with me and I've only been dating. It seems like all my exes find their perfect relationship after we break up as I have exes who have been with their new partner for years after we broke up.

    I am feeling all these terrible feelings, like I am going to be alone and I feel jealous for some reason that lots of people I know are having children, and I am just remaining single.

    I'd like to think I have my life together, I have a pretty good job in the sector I want, have my own apartment, make decent money and can support myself. I'd like to think that is good enough at age 25 compared to some, but I also feel like time is going by way too fast and I will never find what my friends are finding! I would like to have child(ren) one day but I'd like to have a stable relationship with the person I am having a child with.

    Does anyone else feel this way? I am having so much trouble coping with the depression.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I'd like to think I have my life together, I have a pretty good job in the sector I want, have my own apartment, make decent money and can support myself. I'd like to think that is good enough at age 25 compared to some, but I also feel like time is going by way too fast and I will never find what my friends are finding!
    When we want something that isn't manifesting when we think it should, it can be discouraging and kick us into a cycle of insecurity and low self-esteem.

    And here's the other thing... one of my friends told me this and I thought it was brilliant... sometimes when we are doing well in life we believe we are entitled to have everything we want. The first problem with that is that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to... the second problem with that is that we assume that life owes us something for doing well when in reality, life doesn't owe us anything.

    We don't generally have much control over when and how we meet "our person" but there is a lot you can do to move things in the right direction... and my guess is that you have been focused on other areas of your life. You need to decide what's important, what your goals are, and set yourself up to achieving those goals... whether it's success in your career or in a relationship.

    And last but not least... if aren't finding satisfaction in the friendships you have now, open yourself up to new ones that have more in common with where you are in life. We should always be making new friends as we go through life as relationships change constantly and we may find that the people who were there for us at one time we don't have anything in common with anymore.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this swirl of emotion.

    Speaking from my own experience—and hoping to sound supportive rather than condescending—I think it is almost an inevitable part of being 25. Your friends in relationships, your friends who are pregnant or looking to get pregnant under what sounds like dubious circumstances: I can just about promise you they're experiencing the same thing, or some version of it.

    A lot of it, I think, has to do with adjusting to the reality of adulthood, when time just flies by without the same demarcations of progress: report cards, summer breaks, new grades, graduations, all that. Suddenly it becomes a bit more amorphous—like being in the middle of an ocean, rather than a lake where you can see land on all sides—and that's a bit unnerving. But, hey, it's pretty thrilling too, if you can ride these waves that are sloshing you about right now. There's a lot more to see out here, and to experience.

    For whatever it's worth? I've got 15 years on you, and at least in the circles I run in most people I know found their person, and their person to make a little person with, between 30 and 35. Heck, I just had lunch with an old friend and her husband, a couple who decided not to have kids—this being a friend who, at 25, was annoyed she wasn't already the mother of a four year old. Life: it's kind of crazy, if we allow it to keep informing us about what we want, and who we are, rather than using other people as mirrors and mile markers, if that makes sense.

    Yeah, there are a few exceptions, though the majority of the people I know who rushed in hard and fast when they were young—perhaps hoping to save off some the first wave of adult existential angst you're encountering, by procreating their way back to the land of report cards and grades moments after leaving it—ended up being the first people I know to go through super fun things like divorce, custody arrangements. Heavy stuff. Something to think about, perhaps. Seems you're pretty concerned about the way your one friend is living, so why make a model out of a cautionary tale?

    In other words: You are still very, very young, with all sorts of time: to meet someone great, or lots of someones, and to become a mother. That's not me being nice and trying to make you feel better, but just being factual. Assuming you live an "average" life in terms of duration, you are just at the beginning, while being at the literal beginning of adulthood. Maybe you can remind yourself of that, and find a shred of comfort and different perspective in that fact as you navigate these feelings?

    Learning to feel through these moments, rather than get beat down by them, is a kind of art—one that's pretty critical in adulthood and vital for parenthood, when that moment comes.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I know it's not what you want to hear, but 25 is really young. Statistically young people are waiting and getting married and starting families later.

    Imagine by the end of the year you meet someone, you marry and a year later your pregnant. By then you are 27,28.

    Shut down the negative, futile thoughts and replace them with something positive. You will attract what you believe.
    I had my first child at 26 and my 2nd at 30 and I was no where too old. .

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    I wanted to be a mom, badly, by the time I was 20 -my sister started having babies in her mid 20s (older sister) and had a number of children and a mostly terrible marriage she tried to pass off as blissful for many of the 20 years. She is now happily divorced and a grandmother. I feel you- I went through all those feelings in my 20s and 30s as my friends became married parents. I had opportunities to marry and hadn't become the right person to find the right person.
    Last edited by Batya33; 03-05-2020 at 07:39 PM.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Statistically speaking first time mothers are now about 32. It was 30 when I had my son and I was 30 when he was born. In my mom’s time a first time mom was about 23, my mom was 20 when I was born. If you are reproductively healthy 25 is not old.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You have a lot going for you. Get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist for ongoing support. When you feel more positive, you'll attract positive people.
    Originally Posted by Starseed450
    I'd like to think I have my life together, I have a pretty good job in the sector I want, have my own apartment, make decent money and can support myself. I am having so much trouble coping with the depression.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I certainly experienced some of the same frustrations from my late teens into my late 20s.

    We were finally reaching a point where we would be free to make our own choices. We were still young, and our whole lives were ahead of us.

    But most of my girlfriends bailed out on that future right after high school.

    The only one of them who isn't now divorced is in an abusive relationship.

    At that time in my life, I assumed that I wanted marriage and children as well. I just didn't see any need to rush into it. I wanted to go out, have adventures, explore. I missed my partners in crime.

    I enjoyed the adventures of my 20s without many of those friends, and it was just as well. We reconnected through Facebook when I was in my early 30s and it was a lot of fun to catch up.

    We made a point to do things together once or twice a year, for a couple of years.

    We've drifted apart some since then, but we still keep in touch.

    Relationships ebb and flow in life. You get used to it.

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    ENJOY YOUR 20'ssssssss!!!! After kids, you are on lockdown with my mind, body, and soul - no traveling whenever, wherever, no time for yourself to even shower most days or think, on top of the endless expenses from diapers to camp to everything revolving your kid. Live it up! Go out! Go travel! Go volunteer! Take classes. Go dancing, clubbing.

    I love my kids to pieces, but I had them in my 30's and so glad it was in my 30's, because at least my 20's gets me through the mediocrity of the life yours becomes as you give your all to your kids. The endless, "put your pants on, to get your shoes on, to where are your pants?????, we have to go!"

    All my friends waited till their 30's, even the ones who married at 21/22 right after college. We got our careers together first.

    There's nothing wrong with having kids young, or wanting to have kids young, but so many benefits to waiting a little longer. And don't worry about finding the right guy. They find you. Just work on your self, and if there is something you want to try, do, bucket list, skies the limit!

  11. #10
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    "ENJOY YOUR 20'ssssssss!!!! After kids, you are on lockdown with my mind, body, and soul - no traveling whenever, wherever, no time for yourself to even shower most days or think, on top of the endless expenses from diapers to camp to everything revolving your kid. Live it up! Go out! Go travel! Go volunteer! Take classes. Go dancing, clubbing.

    I love my kids to pieces, but I had them in my 30's and so glad it was in my 30's, because at least my 20's gets me through the mediocrity of the life yours becomes as you give your all to your kids. The endless, "put your pants on, to get your shoes on, to where are your pants?????, we have to go!""

    Certainly having a child restricted my freedom -heck I was up at 5:09 today racing to get to the gym before I had to get my son ready for school -but in my 20s and 30s I had an intensely demanding career -on call 24/7 regularly, unpredictable schedule so no I didn't have "freedom" in that sense and that schedule and lifestyle really prepared me for the demands of parenthood (had our son when we were in our early 40s, married then too). I had very similar restrictions on my free time in my 15-year full time career after grad school.

    My right guy did not find me. I had to become the right person to find the right person -and he was someone I'd been engaged to in the past, it's true!

    I only waited because I did not feel morally, ethically, or practically comfortable having a child on my own outside of a stable marriage. I would have loved to have a baby at your age There are upsides to how it worked out for me, for sure.

    I do note the mediocrity and routine of parenthood. Just like I noted it about the career I had tons of passion for (and still work part time at, after 7 years being a full time mom), but I mostly feel like I won the lottery, mostly feel the love, the joy, the awe, the inspiration. I was NOT bored being at home the first 5-6 years. Then I did get a little bored and I looked to return to work. We all have different experiences.

    If you want to have a child earlier in life then be proactive about finding the right guy. Happy to tell you how I did that, proactively.

    I don't disagree with tattoobunnie -how could I, those were her experiences. Mine are very differnent.

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