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Thread: Friends are all having babies - feeling depressed?!

  1. #11
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    Ask yourself if you want this right now. This is my house everyday minus the phone and the drinking. I have a daycare.

  2. #12
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    When I really wanted a baby - and this is just me - I was familiar -as an aunt, as a person, as a former daycare worker, a former teacher, sitter, nanny -of all the downsides. It didn't matter a bit to me other than I knew I wanted a stable two-parent marital situation (and as it turned out we could not have any family help given geography/age/disabilities, not for lack of desire on their parts to help!!) - I don't go for the "oh there's so much freedom when you're in your 20s and single!!" and "having kids means never peeing again in private!!"

    OP I'll share an anecdote. Many years ago I met a woman through an online forum like this one . We met in person a couple of times. We are still in touch after 17 years - I have one child, she has three. We rarely get to have a phone call anymore but text/email. In November my son and I -he was 10 at the time -came home from his dentist appointment mid afternoon. Miraculously my friend had about 15 minutes for a phone call! He was watching TV or whatever. Within 5 minutes he'd interrupted me three times and was cranky/whiny - sure I could have laid down the law but it was too late -she only had ten more minutes and her youngest was about to start acting up. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated with my son and I told him so.

    Another few anecdotes. 20 years ago I had an opportunity to go to Ireland with my friend, as her guest at a wedding -so I wouldn't have to pay for hotel. I'd never been. So exciting. And .... because of the nature of my work which I described above my boss said NO I could not go for a week at that time because then too many of us would be away at one time.

    11 years ago I was pregnant and had to take my only sick day - not morning sickness but pregnancy related illness. I couldn't get out of bed. An hour later I got an assignment to work on from home which I could not decline .

    I almost missed my 30th surprise bday party because of work. On a Sunday.

    People tried to talk me out of my chosen career many times. But I had a fire in my belly for it starting as a teenager. That's what I focused on. I made that decision almost 40 years ago and I do not regret it.

    The list goes on and on - any kind of demanding work like parenthood, like my former full time career, like so many other things -like caring for elderly parents - has its upsides and downsides. But if you have passion for something and/or a strong commitment to a goal - you will deal with the downsides and unless there's a downside you really don't know about with the particular goal like parenthood - I just don't think it's helpful to continuously point out the downsides to a person who really wants to be a parent.

  3. #13
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    I'm only saying that to live it up is because sometimes in our 20's we put so much pressure on ourselves to fit into this picture perfect mold. We spend so much time worrying, that we sometimes miss out smelling the roses.

    I've always wanted kids. And thought I was so incomplete in my 20's without the right guy, and getting married, and all that. What really worked for me was making myself whole. Loving myself for all of me, and accepting I may not have kids one day or get married, but to live my life to the fullest...heck, the one finds you.

    And I don't mean, don't date...when you are whole, you know what you want in life, and it cuts right through a lot of BS. And this opens you up to getting to know someone - not always be on a mission. You get to really see if you want to be with a person or not by taking your time, and not by putting yourself in the pressure cooker wondering if every guy is the one, could be the one, and if you do this or that that you miss out on the one.

  4. #14
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    I have always wanted kids too but it is much harder than people think.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    I'm only saying that to live it up is because sometimes in our 20's we put so much pressure on ourselves to fit into this picture perfect mold. We spend so much time worrying, that we sometimes miss out smelling the roses.

    I've always wanted kids. And thought I was so incomplete in my 20's without the right guy, and getting married, and all that. What really worked for me was making myself whole. Loving myself for all of me, and accepting I may not have kids one day or get married, but to live my life to the fullest...heck, the one finds you.

    And I don't mean, don't date...when you are whole, you know what you want in life, and it cuts right through a lot of BS. And this opens you up to getting to know someone - not always be on a mission. You get to really see if you want to be with a person or not by taking your time, and not by putting yourself in the pressure cooker wondering if every guy is the one, could be the one, and if you do this or that that you miss out on the one.
    I love this perspective. And I felt this pressure. I know now that my life would not have felt complete without marriage and family. I know this is just me. I knew the one would not just find me. My proactivity paid off. Desperation didn't because that almost led to settling. I was always on a mission - especially in my mid 20s and throughout my 30s AND I also became the right person to find the right person. I was able to be on a mission without being desperate or settling. After college and grad school I made sure I lived right in the middle of a city teeming with singles -about 10 miles from my hometown - and I made it my business to be everywhere where I could meet people -men and also women who could introduce me to men. And I had a lot else going on -an active social life, work, volunteer work, involvement in arts and culture and fitness and the outdoors and travel. Etc. It can be done and I never lied to myself and told myself I'd be fine if I was single my whole life. That would have been a big lie. For others it would be the total truth.

  7. 03-25-2020, 10:02 AM

  8. #16
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    I'm 38 and I didn't much want kids at 25. Now I'm 38, single, and wondering what if. Tick tock. Seems too late now. IF I was already in a committed relationship and he wanted to try, MAYBE it would be possible. No mate in sight, though. Not fair to put that kind of pressure on a man that I MUST hurry up.

    I made a friend with children. It didn't work out. My friends are like me. Late 30s, didn't have children, single. Yay.

    You actually are still young. You have time. At 38, chances of my hypothetical children having birth defects only goes up. I'd be in a higher risk category due to age. You, though, you hypothetically have time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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