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Thread: Relationships Keep Ending For Similar Reasons, How To Change That?

  1. #1
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    Relationships Keep Ending For Similar Reasons, How To Change That?

    Hey everyone, so I've been in about seven different relationships in my life, six of which I would say are truly meaningful to me, and I noticed that five of them ended for similar reasons, and I'm starting to wonder if the issue is me, how I can fix this, and get a relationship to last longer than 7 months, and hopefully for a life time.

    Relationship #1 ended because I was young enough to let my parents interfere in the relationship, as they truly disliked the person I was with, said she had major issues and wasn't right for me.. I listened to them eventually and ended the first one. They didnt like that her social media posts were always negative and how I would have to drive 30+ mins all the time to see her and always had to pay the bill when we went out. (Keep in mind I was like 18 at the time, relatively young)

    Relationship #2 ended because the person didn't have their priorities straight, they were content living with no job, no college education, in a terrible living situation, and had no motivation to improve at the time, I didn't like that at all.

    Relationship #3 ended because the person I was with would seemingly blow off more than one night where we were supposed to see each other, to spend time with her "gay" best friend(s) and not me.. I learned from this and recognize I was wrong for being jelous, but still it bothered me that she put them first and seemingly had no time to spend

    Relationship #4 just constantly cancelled dates for every excuse in the book, would set a makeup day, and then cancel the date again, this happened constantly, I felt like I saw her maybe 6 times in a two year on and off period of trying to actually make it work, something would always come up with her

    Relationship #5, my most recent one, long story short, pretty much ended for all of the above reasons. There were trust issues, she got mad & flipped out that I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger (person added me on facebook, I said I dont add strangers, but I wanted to get to know them before deciding to add weather on Messenger, instagram, snapchat etc, my ex saw that and flipped out, ended the relationship) she would cancel dates every now and then, my parents didn't like her, claimed she had major issues, it was really a combination of everything that happened to me in the past, all in one person..

    Can someone explain to me What I am doing wrong, why do I keep having similar types of issues in relationships? I'm always the most honest person I can be, I'm super nice, I'm always myself, try to see the person as often as possible, I'm good at expressing my feelings, but none of my relationships work out ultimately. None of my relationships lasted more than 7 months, and I absolutely hate that. I met most of these people via the Plenty of Fish (POF online dating app) & similar free online dating apps. Is POF filled with people who just aren't looking for what I am, something long-term, and serious, and am I looking in the wrong places? I hardly ever go out unless it's with a close group of 3 or 4 friends, so the only way I can meet people is through online dating, but so far they've all ended relatively short and I just am starting to feel hopeless at this point.

    I'm a 26 year old Male, if that helps anyone.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    What about the other two relationships? Why did they end?

    What's the average length of the above relationships you were in, and how old were the girls?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are either attracted to this or they are attracted to you for some reason.
    How quickly do you become involved with these women?
    Would you consider yourself too tolerant?
    Did you see any sign of these traits you mention in the early stages?
    Is there anyone in your family that exhibits this unpredictability and inconsistency?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if this helps, or comforts, but what you're describing? It sounds not only pretty normal, but also healthy, in terms of romance at your age. Very, very few people find their forever person between the ages of 18 and 26, and part of that is because people are still going through a lot of changes during that time, and still very much coming into who they are as an adult, a person. Hard to know who you want to be with—seriously, for a good stretch—when you're still getting to know yourself.

    That said, if there's a through-line here? You seem to have spent a lot of time investing in people who reveal themselves, pretty quickly, to be on the flighty side. Unmotivated, into bouncing around with friends, prone to canceling dates, prone to breaking up and getting back together, easily set off by small things—these are not, generally speaking, great foundations on which to try to build a sustainable, deepening connection. It's a bit like trying to build a home on quicksand, or in a swamp, and wondering why it always falls over.

    So perhaps you can use this past experience to sharpen your focus and approach a bit. Meaning: rather than looking at these 7-month-long relationships and wondering why they didn't last for years, ask yourself why they didn't just last a couple of days, weeks, or months. Had they been shorter, ending when it was pretty clear there wasn't enough there to build a home? Well, that would have kept you more open—literally, and emotionally—to connect with someone with whom you share more in common with, if that makes sense. Something in you, it seems, is attracted to trying to make things work with people who don't work for you.

    Reinvent asked some insightful questions to try to hone in on what that something is, so I won't run them through my internal thesaurus and spit them out as my own. Looking forward to the answers, though.

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    Relationship #5, my most recent one, long story short, pretty much ended for all of the above reasons. There were trust issues, she got mad & flipped out that I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger (person added me on facebook, I said I dont add strangers, but I wanted to get to know them before deciding to add weather on Messenger, instagram, snapchat etc, my ex saw that and flipped out, ended the relationship) she would cancel dates every now and then, my parents didn't like her, claimed she had major issues, it was really a combination of everything that happened to me in the past, all in one person..

    Dude.. If a random stranger adds you on Facebook - then don't add random strangers. If every spam account that friend requested me i "tried to chat with to screen their worthiness" my account might be hacked or my guy would wonder if i lost my common sense....

    Stop meeting people on hook up apps and start living your life and being interesting -- you may meet women who are out there being responsible, volunteering their time, etc.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The good news is you avoided a lot of flakes and that is a good thing. However at 26 your parents should not be this involved in your dating life. If you are serious, act serious. Make it exclusive and stop the social media nonsense with random women. Also decide for yourself who is right for you mom and dad shouldn't be calling the shots.

    Do you have a good job, car and your own place? You need to round out your life and get out there. Classes, courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Try a quality (paid) dating app.

    Hanging out on cheap sites may be your way of making sure these things are just flings then finding fault and letting mom and dad chime in. It sounds like you are not ready for anything serious and that's fine.
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger. my parents didn't like her, I'm a 26 year old Male

    None of my relationships lasted more than 7 months. I met most of these people via the Plenty of Fish (POF online dating app) & similar free online dating apps.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The good news is you avoided a lot of flakes and that is a good thing. However at 26 your parents should not be this involved in your dating life. If you are serious, act serious. Make it exclusive and stop the social media nonsense with random women. Also decide for yourself who is right for you mom and dad shouldn't be calling the shots.

    Do you have a good job, car and your own place? You need to round out your life and get out there. Classes, courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Try a quality (paid) dating app.

    Hanging out on cheap sites may be your way of making sure these things are just flings then finding fault and letting mom and dad chime in. It sounds like you are not ready for anything serious and that's fine.
    If i dated someone who put me down in front of others, showed up to dinners with my parents smelling of beer, etc, my parents would tell me they wanted me to be happy, but was i sure i was with this guy. They would make their opinion known. We don't know if the parents are thumbs down on a girl because she likes putting a purple or green streak in her hair or is from a different ethnicity or have a REAL concern like I have illustrated. I am not going to diss the parents not knowing.

    But otherwise i totally agree with you.

  9. #8
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    Wow, so many quick replies. Thank you.

    So I actually have 3 different part time (Two are seasonal, one in the fall/winter, the other in the spring/summer) jobs in the TV Production field, that I love, I work 5-6 days a week depending on the season, but I still live at home with my parents (which I hope to change within the next 1-2 years)

    Typically when I meet someone new, I talk to them for a few weeks via texting/phone calls/video chats, go on about 3 or 4 dates with them, usually based off how the chemistry is I can get a pretty good feel after about the 3rd or 4th date before deciding if I want to continue seeing this person/think about becoming exclusive/in a relationship with them.
    The average relationship I listed here was anywhere between 2-6 months, the longest being 7 months. Nothing long-term yet, and that's the one thing I want in my life more than anything, a happy and healthy long-term relationship.

    I agree with you guys, my parents are way too involved in my dating life at my age, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years because of what happened in the past & their history of not liking the people I date (based off the information I tell them)

    To answer the first person, one of the other two relationships were so incredibly long ago, I really don't remember why they ended, honestly, it was like 2009.. It was my first relationship. I think the person just didn't feel the same way I felt about them, ultimately.. I truly can't remember. The other ended because we just didn't have that great chemistry together.

    I decided to temporary stay off the online dating apps to re-find myself after my last relationship ended, but I think when I do return and feel like I'm ready to date again, I'm going to try one of the paid apps like eHarmony or Match, because it seems like the people on the apps I used to use (PoF, OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) weren't serious at all.
    Last edited by JCDallas; 03-05-2020 at 05:03 PM. Reason: More Added

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok how can you have privacy to date? So you have to see them out or at their place? Having cyber relationships for "weeks/months" is another way to never get anywhere. It's hard for women your age to take you seriously if they are not allowed into your home and you chitchat for weeks/months before asking them out.
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    I still live at home with my parents. I agree my parents are way too involved in my dating life, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok how can you have privacy to date? So you have to see them out or at their place? Having cyber relationships for "weeks/months" is another way to never get anywhere. It's hard for women your age to take you seriously if they are not allowed into your home and you chitchat for weeks/months before asking them out.
    Typically I go on dates in public places, like restaurants, bowling, movies, mini golfing, etc especially in the beginning.. Typically I never ask to go to their place either, early on.

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