Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 19 of 19

Thread: Relationships Keep Ending For Similar Reasons, How To Change That?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,616
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    Wow, so many quick replies. Thank you.

    So I actually have 3 different part time (Two are seasonal, one in the fall/winter, the other in the spring/summer) jobs in the TV Production field, that I love, I work 5-6 days a week depending on the season, but I still live at home with my parents (which I hope to change within the next 1-2 years)

    Typically when I meet someone new, I talk to them for a few weeks via texting/phone calls/video chats, go on about 3 or 4 dates with them, usually based off how the chemistry is I can get a pretty good feel after about the 3rd or 4th date before deciding if I want to continue seeing this person/think about becoming exclusive/in a relationship with them.
    The average relationship I listed here was anywhere between 2-6 months, the longest being 7 months. Nothing long-term yet, and that's the one thing I want in my life more than anything, a happy and healthy long-term relationship.

    I agree with you guys, my parents are way too involved in my dating life at my age, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years because of what happened in the past & their history of not liking the people I date (based off the information I tell them)

    To answer the first person, one of the other two relationships were so incredibly long ago, I really don't remember why they ended, honestly, it was like 2009.. It was my first relationship. I think the person just didn't feel the same way I felt about them, ultimately.. I truly can't remember. The other ended because we just didn't have that great chemistry together.

    I decided to temporary stay off the online dating apps to re-find myself after my last relationship ended, but I think when I do return and feel like I'm ready to date again, I'm going to try one of the paid apps like eHarmony or Match, because it seems like the people on the apps I used to use (PoF, OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) weren't serious at all.
    They are involved because you involve them.

    Honestly, you should not be doing what you are doing. You should move to meeting someone for coffee or equivalent right away. The "connection" you think you have makes you continue to date someone who is not someone apropriate to date. If they will not meet you during day light hours in a public place they are not worth pursuing. Obviously, look at their profile and don't contact anyone who is not even remotely a match (inappropriate age for you to date, still married and more). I think at your age, its okay to also not want to date anyone who has been previously married if they are younger than you.

    I started dating my guy while i was temporarily living with my parents after moving from out of state and he was temporarily living with his parents while his kitchen and bathroom were totally gutted and being renovated. There was an end date to our situations and we made it work - it was actually nice dating someone where there was no chance of or no pressure or sex right away in that regard. I ended up getting my own place 7 months into it and his situation changed, too.

    I do think at your age, you should look at a roommate situation within the next year, though.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    They are involved because you involve them.

    Honestly, you should not be doing what you are doing. You should move to meeting someone for coffee or equivalent right away. The "connection" you think you have makes you continue to date someone who is not someone apropriate to date. If they will not meet you during day light hours in a public place they are not worth pursuing. Obviously, look at their profile and don't contact anyone who is not even remotely a match (inappropriate age for you to date, still married and more). I think at your age, its okay to also not want to date anyone who has been previously married if they are younger than you.

    I started dating my guy while i was temporarily living with my parents after moving from out of state and he was temporarily living with his parents while his kitchen and bathroom were totally gutted and being renovated. There was an end date to our situations and we made it work - it was actually nice dating someone where there was no chance of or no pressure or sex right away in that regard. I ended up getting my own place 7 months into it and his situation changed, too.

    I do think at your age, you should look at a roommate situation within the next year, though.
    Thank you for your advice. I agree, if someone flakes out on dates, especially early on and more than once, they aren't worth pursuing. I've learned that after what happened in my last two relationships. I agree, my closest, long-time friends and I have talked about rooming together, briefly, but talks never got to the point of seriously looking for a place, only was mentioned in a conversation once or twice. Maybe I should consider seeing if they were interested in doing that, for real over time.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,616
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    Thank you for your advice. I agree, if someone flakes out on dates, especially early on and more than once, they aren't worth pursuing. I've learned that after what happened in my last two relationships. I agree, my closest, long-time friends and I have talked about rooming together, briefly, but talks never got to the point of seriously looking for a place, only was mentioned in a conversation once or twice. Maybe I should consider seeing if they were interested in doing that, for real over time.
    Sometimes the best roommates are not your best friends. My first roommate was someone I didn't know prior -- she were a young professional who was also part time in grad school and had a job as such that i knew they had to keep reasonable hours. She was the one who had the apartment and the apartment was in good shape (no doors that didn't shut because they were damaged or mishung, all signs pointed to that the landlord and hersel took reasonable care of the place.) We set groundrules about overnights and guests up front (that was the condition of us living together) we paid our share to the landlords individually and all was well.

    Sometimes when you move in with buddies they take advantage of your good nature about guests, noise, smoking, etc, or say "catch you later" on a bill.

    I also had a situation where i rented out someone's in-law apartment - it was a couple whose kids moved out and it worked really well.

    Also, coffee dates let YOU decide if you are interested in someone -- its not about dating until they flake. there could be a young woman that is perfectly responsible and shows up but you don't really click or wants something different. With a coffee or lunch very early on you don't get so invested.

    My guy and i probably exchanged two messages and went right to coffee/lunch. Our profiles sounded interesting to eachother and we cut to the chase. But this wasn't a swipe right app - it was a few years before that...

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Sometimes the best roommates are not your best friends. My first roommate was someone I didn't know prior -- she were a young professional who was also part time in grad school and had a job as such that i knew they had to keep reasonable hours. She was the one who had the apartment and the apartment was in good shape (no doors that didn't shut because they were damaged or mishung, all signs pointed to that the landlord and hersel took reasonable care of the place.) We set groundrules about overnights and guests up front (that was the condition of us living together) we paid our share to the landlords individually and all was well.

    Sometimes when you move in with buddies they take advantage of your good nature about guests, noise, smoking, etc, or say "catch you later" on a bill.

    I also had a situation where i rented out someone's in-law apartment - it was a couple whose kids moved out and it worked really well.

    Also, coffee dates let YOU decide if you are interested in someone -- its not about dating until they flake. there could be a young woman that is perfectly responsible and shows up but you don't really click or wants something different. With a coffee or lunch very early on you don't get so invested.

    My guy and i probably exchanged two messages and went right to coffee/lunch. Our profiles sounded interesting to eachother and we cut to the chase. But this wasn't a swipe right app - it was a few years before that...
    Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,616
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.
    Texting all the time is smothering. You don't get to know someone by constant texting. you get to know someone by asking the right questions and having an experience in person.

    A coffee meetup is how you screen someone. I did not know my guy when we met. I knew some basic stuff about what he is was looking for, hobbies, etc, and he was my type so to speak. Coffee is low risk and confirmed that he was everything he represented himself to be. Its not really a date. Its a face to face so you see if you want to go on a date.

    anyway --- maybe its not for everyone but you eliminate the women who are just texting because they are bored.

    i might take a break from online dating, if you meet a young woman in person during the course of your day by chance and something grows organically, be open to that.
    But i would get your ducks in a row and take yourself off for awhile.

    When i was first looking - you saw the same guys always still on their and i had already ruled them out despite anything changing with them. If you come back on as a guy who lives with a roommate vs with parents, you won't be "oh, i already saw that guy.he lives with his folks". And its not about having a place to romance a woman - its about already having had the experience of living on your own/not with parents before you meet a woman you want to marry.

    If you live in NYC or have a cultural background where you don't move until marriage, that's different.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    14
    Thanks again for all the responses so far. Any more replies are greatly appreciated, I could really use any and all help to fix this issue

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,616
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    Thanks again for all the responses so far. Any more replies are greatly appreciated, I could really use any and all help to fix this issue
    I don't think you have an issue per se -- you just are learning and will learn how to weed women who are not suitable out much more quickly and the more you grow as a person in independence you will meet a better caliber of women. It takes time to meet the one - but you have to be the one, too

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,585
    Gender
    Male
    Get your own place. Meet in a timely fashion, stop chitchatting for weeks and months before meeting. Cut the apron strings and stop letting mom run your dating life.
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    I could really use any and all help to fix this issue

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,750
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by JCDallas
    Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.
    Not a great strategy. Building e-fantasies about a stranger before actually meeting them forms false and premature investments in people you could have otherwise screened out quickly. Then you stick with them for months despite flaking and negativity. Then you beat yourself up for 'failures' that are not fails at all--just screening that took waaaay too long.

    Skip all the messaging, phoning and fantasy building. Setting up quick meets over coffee is an app version of speed dating. Grab 20 to 30 minute coffees with people on your way home from work. If anyone stands you up, just take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost. Agree that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can message the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you stumble on great simpatico with someone who really 'gets you' AND is relationship material. So ask people up front before meeting about their dating goals, and nix anyone who's into casual, FWB, doesn't know or is otherwise not in it for the same reasons you are. Don't even meet those people.

    Allow bad matches to pass early instead of latching onto them to try to force a fit. That's a waste of your time, as as you've noticed, it doesn't work.

    Head high, screen carefully, and don't get discouraged by bad matches--there will be plenty of those. You'll thank yourself for keeping your focus on finding the RIGHT person for you rather than settling for anyone who's willing to go through the motions with you.

    And stop reporting your private life to your parents! If you want them to respect your adult choices, ditch the child role and model for them an earned independence and a confidence in your own ability to make good decisions.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •