Confusing situation

Hi guys, I'm new here and would like some advice on my situation. Back in January I met a girl who is a single mother on Tinder and we went out for a coffee we had such a great chat and were making each other laugh and all around it was a great first meet. Then we left the cafe and went for a walk and chatted for a bit more then went our separate ways and planned for a 2nd date. So fast forward we have actually been out 3 times, the last 2 meet ups she had asked me out. We have been texting as she is not comfortable with doing phone calls because she just feels anxious about phone calls. We have really great conversation and still make each other laugh like we did when we first met but here's where it gets confusing. She has told me that she doesn't feel that now is the right time for dating and would like to be friends and remain in contact but I understand that she does have a big barrier to dating in regards to an ex bf who goes between his mothers home and her house and he lives on her couch. Her ex has been unemployed since before their child was born and he refuses to work citing mental health but I do accept that he will be around because of the child. A friend of mine talked to her the other day and she pretty much said to my friend that she likes me alot but because of her current situation it is hard to move forward so my friend posed the question to me whether I am patient enough to wait and see or do I move on and forget about her. I have backed off a little but I don't want to lose this girl.

You can't lose who you don't have.

 

Her "ex" lives with her. Has she said he plans to move out soon? If not, she is choosing to continue to have him there with her.

 

Unless you want to be part of a trio, it's best to walk away.

You can't lose who you don't have.

 

Her "ex" lives with her. Has she said he plans to move out soon? If not, she is choosing to continue to have him there with her.

 

Unless you want to be part of a trio, it's best to walk away.

 

She has told me that she has told him to move out but it's more a fact of whether he has the motivation to do it or not.

She has told me that she has told him to move out but it's more a fact of whether he has the motivation to do it or not.

 

And yet, he is still there.

 

Is this how you imagined the perfect relationship? One with a woman who has her ex living with her?

I think the greatest respect we can show another human being is to listen to them, and take their word at face value.

 

In this case, that means listening to what she told you—bad time for dating, would like to be friends—and trusting that she meant exactly that, and only that. If you think you could be friends, rather than fake friends while waiting for her to "come around," then be friendly. If your feelings are too potent for that, accept this all for what it is rather than trying to will it all into what you'd like it to be.

Unfortunately, par for the course with Tinder. A few laughs and few dates then Poof! Move forward unless you want to accept the friendzone while she is back and forth with her on/off bf.

we have actually been out 3 times. She has told me that she doesn't feel that now is the right time for dating

And yet, he is still there.

 

Is this how you imagined the perfect relationship? One with a woman who has her ex living with her?

 

It's not ideal but she told my friend that she wants to effectively take things slower so she can sort things out.

 

Unfortunately, par for the course with Tinder. A few laughs and few dates then Poof! Move forward unless you want to accept the friendzone while she is back and forth with her on/off bf.

 

We are both still very much chatting and she has made it clear from past conversations that it is very much over with her ex and she wants him out. Laziness is a big deal breaker for her.

It's not ideal but she told my friend...

 

Why the reluctance to listen to what she told you? I understand that it's a bummer when you think three promising dates are leading straight to romance, but she straight-up said she's not in the right headspace or lifespace for that—something people often realize after a few dates when they're in a vulnerable place.

 

How would you feel if you told a woman you weren't interested in dating, but friendship, and in response she tried to immediately find ways to disprove what you told her? Would that make you more interested in letting her into your life, or less?

Why the reluctance to listen to what she told you? I understand that it's a bummer when you think three promising dates are leading straight to romance, but she straight-up said she's not in the right headspace or lifespace for that—something people often realize after a few dates when they're in a vulnerable place.

 

How would you feel if you told a woman you weren't interested in dating, but friendship, and in response she tried to immediately find ways to disprove what you told her? Would that make you more interested in letting her into your life, or less?

 

I do trust what she is telling me and what my friend said only confirms what she said but another friend of mine is telling me to either ghost her or go for a one night stand which is advice I do not agree with. I have told women that I haven't been interested before and it doesn't feel nice. My gut is telling me to take it slow but part of me is conflicted by what my other friend has told me to do but then again he's a womanizer.

So your friend's advice, basically, is to be a complete a$$ because she's been honest with you? Yeah, I'd say skip that.

in regards to an ex bf who goes between his mothers home and her house and he lives on her couch.

You are a very foolish man if you continue to see this woman who is still very much involved in her ex's life and vice versa. Getting with and falling for someone who is still living with the father of her child is ridiculously NOT looking after your own best emotional interests.

 

Forget about her and get on some dating apps that aren't all about the hookup only. Tinder is notorious for those looking for mostly things other than serious commitment. Anyone who still lets an ex crash on their couch is NOT ready to be dating nor is she emotionally mature enough to be in anything considered no strings attached sex. She has a guy she has a child with still living with her for goodness sakes. You should look into why you didn't run from her the minute you found out she's not clear of her last partner and is more likely than not, still in her bed rather than that couch.

 

"Your gut isn't telling you to take it slow?" Uhm, I think not. It is your fear of having to start over trying to find a connection is what is telling you to keep pursuing her instead of losing her outright like an emotionally mature man would do. Stop texting her so you can lose your fear of her not being in your life.

 

We are both still very much chatting and she has made it clear from past conversations that it is very much over with her ex and she wants him out. Laziness is a big deal breaker for her.

She's full of chit. If it was a deal breaker for her, he would be living on a friends couch or his mother's and not hers... She is anything but "very much over him" if he's still living with her. She's telling you what you want to hear. She enables the very thing she tells you is "a deal breaker" for her by letting him laze at her house. pfft.

It's not ideal but she told my friend that she wants to effectively take things slower so she can sort things out.

We are both still very much chatting and she has made it clear from past conversations that it is very much over with her ex and she wants him out. Laziness is a big deal breaker for her.

 

But the brass tacks fact here is - she is not single. Though she may not be emotionally attached to him, she is attached to him in every other way.

 

They are under the same roof, financially tied and are still a family unit. It's just a technicality that she's unhappy, that he's a supposed lazy womanizer and she wants him out.

 

I hear this stuff all the time and I can't for the life of me understand why people would even consider these people date-able. Please!

 

Just because she doesn't like him anymore doesn't negate the list of attachments she still needs to unravel before she's even considered remotely single. After some time cleaning up her mess and becoming a legitimate single women, then maybe she might be date able.

 

And no, you don't wait for her. If she was really done, she'd actually do something about it. She has all these excuses for a reason. What that is, I don't know. But when someone is reeeallly done, they know how to put a nail it and finish it off.