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Still raw, not sure what's going on, breadcrumbs


pscorchio

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Hi all,

 

last Friday my GF of 3.5 years went out and slept with a friend from work who she'd been talking to. We'd had some issues over the last couple months, which we had talked through but she said she felt they weren't getting better, so its seems like she started an emotional affair. She didn't come home that night so her family thought something had happened to her and were worried sick; I knew in my gut what the real situation was. She eventually came home to be confronted by not only me but her parents, sister and brother-in-law. Her defences went straight up and she said some awful things.

 

She was initially very cold and unfeeling but then relented but said she can't love me as much as she should to do this, I agree. But I still want to make it work if we can, we have been through a lot and always come out the other side stronger. She was adamant it was over at first but then became more non-committal and didn't officially end it to my mind.

 

We spoke briefly on Saturday afternoon, then very early Sunday morning as I had been up all night going over it in my head and realising occasions where she may have met up with him prior to the night in question. She is adamant that it was the first time.

 

I called her Monday night after leaving a friends house and she didnt answer but called back immediately, i was in the car so she asked where I was and if I was at her house. I replied no and asked where she was, she said "out" and that it was nothing to do with me and hung up. We text a few times later that evening, she was very cold and abrupt. The last text i received I didn't reply to and that was 2 days ago now, I'm trying to stick with NC, which is hard but I'm doing it. I haven't had any contact from her.

 

She puts a lot of stock in social media, yet I don't and this has often caused arguments. She has now hidden her relationship status but not removed it; I'm still in a relationship with her on there and it is tagged as such, but only she and I can see it. She has not deleted me from any of her accounts but she's hiding her active status now. She has deleted one friend of mine who she didn't like anyway but kept everyone else including my sister and best friends. One friend of hers has deleted me. The man she slept with sings in bars on weekends so his page is really public and she's been liking his posts. So despite us barely speaking and her not ending it completely to my face, it is clear by her behaviour that it is over and she is going to pursue this new thing, she just hasn't said it to me.

 

THEN...last night she posts lyrics to "our" song, that she knows are very personal to me and us. Nobody else would understand the meaning behind them for us. Why would she do that, just breadcrumbs? Or is the NC working? I know its very early and emotions are everywhere but I believe she still loves me and this whole mess can be resolved. Am I wrong?

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Hi all,

 

last Friday my GF of 3.5 years went out and slept with a friend from work who she'd been talking to. We'd had some issues over the last couple months, which we had talked through but she said she felt they weren't getting better, so its seems like she started an emotional affair. She didn't come home that night so her family thought something had happened to her and were worried sick; I knew in my gut what the real situation was. She eventually came home to be confronted by not only me but her parents, sister and brother-in-law. Her defences went straight up and she said some awful things.

 

She was initially very cold and unfeeling but then relented but said she can't love me as much as she should to do this, I agree. But I still want to make it work if we can, we have been through a lot and always come out the other side stronger. She was adamant it was over at first but then became more non-committal and didn't officially end it to my mind.

 

We spoke briefly on Saturday afternoon, then very early Sunday morning as I had been up all night going over it in my head and realising occasions where she may have met up with him prior to the night in question. She is adamant that it was the first time.

 

I called her Monday night after leaving a friends house and she didnt answer but called back immediately, i was in the car so she asked where I was and if I was at her house. I replied no and asked where she was, she said "out" and that it was nothing to do with me and hung up. We text a few times later that evening, she was very cold and abrupt. The last text i received I didn't reply to and that was 2 days ago now, I'm trying to stick with NC, which is hard but I'm doing it. I haven't had any contact from her.

 

She puts a lot of stock in social media, yet I don't and this has often caused arguments. She has now hidden her relationship status but not removed it; I'm still in a relationship with her on there and it is tagged as such, but only she and I can see it. She has not deleted me from any of her accounts but she's hiding her active status now. She has deleted one friend of mine who she didn't like anyway but kept everyone else including my sister and best friends. One friend of hers has deleted me. The man she slept with sings in bars on weekends so his page is really public and she's been liking his posts. So despite us barely speaking and her not ending it completely to my face, it is clear by her behaviour that it is over and she is going to pursue this new thing, she just hasn't said it to me.

 

THEN...last night she posts lyrics to "our" song, that she knows are very personal to me and us. Nobody else would understand the meaning behind them for us. Why would she do that, just breadcrumbs? Or is the NC working? I know its very early and emotions are everywhere but I believe she still loves me and this whole mess can be resolved. Am I wrong?

She is afraid to leave and wavering. But she already pulled the trigger. Now she is attempting to deal with a choice she made before she completely understood it.

 

Stay strong with the NC brother, this too shall pass [emoji120]

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She is afraid to leave and wavering. But she already pulled the trigger. Now she is attempting to deal with a choice she made before she completely understood it.

 

Stay strong with the NC brother, this too shall pass [emoji120]

 

Thank you my friend, still in so much pain. I hope she sorts her head out soon.

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Sorry to hear this. It's very painful to watch a relationship unravel before your eyes and watching it die slowly while you seem helpless to do anything. She's checked out for months now since you two started having a lot of problems. But at some level you already know it's been over for a long time. Try to let go.

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Sorry to hear this. It's very painful to watch a relationship unravel before your eyes and watching it die slowly while you seem helpless to do anything. She's checked out for months now since you two started having a lot of problems. But at some level you already know it's been over for a long time. Try to let go.

 

We have always talked and been good at sharing our feelings, but clearly she's been making plans whilst all the time telling me how strong we were and how much she loved me. The previous weekend I told her I'd give her some space and she came running immediately, showering me with affection and promising me the earth, only for this to happen a week later.

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We have always talked and been good at sharing our feelings, but clearly she's been making plans whilst all the time telling me how strong we were and how much she loved me. The previous weekend I told her I'd give her some space and she came running immediately, showering me with affection and promising me the earth, only for this to happen a week later.
This kind of "flipping" can be indicative of mental illness. Check out her behavior vs some symptoms of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder etc. It may give u some insight into what your dealing with.
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This kind of "flipping" can be indicative of mental illness. Check out her behavior vs some symptoms of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder etc. It may give u some insight into what your dealing with.

 

Maybe should've added that bit, but yes she may have some sort of personality disorder. her behaviour in the past has been self-destructive, which I have helped her overcome. Her sister has BPD and it runs in the family. She refuses to see anyone to get diagnosed any further, and has recently come off her anti-depressants because she "doesn't want to be like the rest of them."

 

Having said that, personally I believe that the reason for the flipping was either the guy she was talking to may have gone cold, or she herself wasn't sure what to do.

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Having said that, personally I believe that the reason for the flipping was either the guy she was talking to may have gone cold, or she herself wasn't sure what to do.

 

This is very likely the case.

 

She might have warming up to you previously to prevent you from suspecting anything was wrong. It's not unusual for cheaters to over-compensate like this in an attempt to hide their real behaviour. It's also not unusual for them to have doubts when the crap hits the fan, because they suddenly realize how badly they've blown up their lives and are afraid of being alone. The breadcrumbs that follow their affair coming to light are often coming from a place of setting up their security blanket (ie. the partner they cheated on) just in case their affair partner no longer wants them.

 

Unfortunately, she no longer feels the same way about you. She doesn't respect you, and sure doesn't love you anymore. Her behaviour is all the evidence you need of that. The likelihood of overcoming this sort of betrayal stronger and happier? Almost zilch, man. Even if this new guy disappears tomorrow, you would still be left with the problem of her lack of interest and commitment to you, and badly-damaged trust. You would be wise to remove this person from your life. Easier said than done, I realize, but slowly you will come to understand that she is bad news and not the girl you thought you knew.

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She's a liar and a cheat. Why do you want her back?

 

Don't you have any self respect? She lied to you during the relationship. Proceeded to cheat on you and now has you dancing to her beat.

 

 

Block, delete and move on. If she wanted to save the relationship she would have opened her mouth not her legs.

 

The hot and cold texts etc are just her keeping you on the back burner with the new guy. When it's good with him you get the coldness. When it's bad with him you get the warmness.

 

This is not a good woman so you should start to ask. Yourself why you think she deserves to come back.

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She's a liar and a cheat. Why do you want her back?

 

Don't you have any self respect? She lied to you during the relationship. Proceeded to cheat on you and now has you dancing to her beat.

 

 

Block, delete and move on. If she wanted to save the relationship she would have opened her mouth not her legs.

 

The hot and cold texts etc are just her keeping you on the back burner with the new guy. When it's good with him you get the coldness. When it's bad with him you get the warmness.

 

This is not a good woman so you should start to ask. Yourself why you think she deserves to come back.

 

I've not danced to her beat at all, I have said very little to her and left it, I haven't risen to anything and haven't responded to the breadcrumbs. These forums have been a massive help in me doing so, I'm not sure I'd resist the urges to keep calling otherwise. Its day 5 so I know I'm still in the denial/put her on a pedestal stage. But I'm being proactive. I've deactivated Facebook, I've archived our WhatsApp chat, I've cut ties with her family now. Going about it in the best way I can.

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Just keep on down that path of no contact. She may try and turn this around on you and suggest in someway you failed her and that's its your fault she cheated. Treat any statements like that with the disdain they deserve.

 

She already started that when she was found out. I indeed treated it with said disdain. NC is definitely the way to go, I'm not looking pathetic to anyone, especially not her. Just need to make sure I can keep it up.

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OK wasn't sure what your post was focused on. I thought you wanted her back.

 

What platform were the song lyrics posted on and is she blocked on there now? They are empty words.

 

I probably do want her back, its not something I can help this early when I'm still in shock about it all. But I am also aware it shouldn't happen and probably won't, she's got a new toy.

 

The lyrics were on Facebook that I've deactivated, a friend screenshotted it and sent it to me. Which I'm sure she knew would happen. I've told my friends to not do that again.

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It's understandable at this point that you want her back. It doesn't make sense but our emotions never do. We almost become convinced we did something wrong and are desperate to make it up but the reality is she checked out and did the dirty.

 

Allow yourself to roll with these feelings as they go up and down but don't forget the cold hard facts shoild she come crawling back when it fails with the new guy.

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It's understandable at this point that you want her back. It doesn't make sense but our emotions never do. We almost become convinced we did something wrong and are desperate to make it up but the reality is she checked out and did the dirty.

 

Allow yourself to roll with these feelings as they go up and down but don't forget the cold hard facts shoild she come crawling back when it fails with the new guy.

 

That's the plan and I'm getting there, I need to gain some power back for myself. I've helped her through so much when she had nobody else to turn to, she'll end up regretting this more than I do.

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All you have to do is delete and block her And All her people from All your devices, All your messaging apps and All your social media. Stop letting her run your life.

I've deactivated Facebook, I've archived our WhatsApp chat, I've cut ties with her family now. Going about it in the best way I can.
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That's the plan and I'm getting there, I need to gain some power back for myself. I've helped her through so much when she had nobody else to turn to, she'll end up regretting this more than I do.

 

Maybe it would help think about why she had nobody else to turn to in tough times. It's normal that we lean on our partners most, but is there a specific reason why nobody else would have offered their support to her? In other words, does she have a history of problematic behaviour in other areas of her life, too?

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Maybe it would help think about why she had nobody else to turn to in tough times. It's normal that we lean on our partners most, but is there a specific reason why nobody else would have offered their support to her? In other words, does she have a history of problematic behaviour in other areas of her life, too?

 

She had some useless friends when I met her, since then (with my support) she’s built a great new friend network around herself. However she still relied on me heavily, the new friends only see the fun loving happy version of her.

 

Tonight she has updated status to single so I’ve gone full NC.

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Ok now delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and ALL your messaging apps. Creeping her social media defeats the purpose of no contact.

 

No creeping, a mutual friend got in touch to ask if I was ok as they’d seen her relationship status updated.

 

After 4 days of silence, ex contacted me today to arrange to give me my things back. I haven’t replied, am going go get my sister to do it on my behalf. I was having a good day today before she text, was like an epiphany. She’s toxic and I need rid.

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No creeping, a mutual friend got in touch to ask if I was ok as they’d seen her relationship status updated.

 

After 4 days of silence, ex contacted me today to arrange to give me my things back. I haven’t replied, am going go get my sister to do it on my behalf. I was having a good day today before she text, was like an epiphany. She’s toxic and I need rid.

 

Now you can block her number, delete her number from your phone and delete all social media connections.

 

Onward and upward.

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