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Thread: Still raw, not sure what's going on, breadcrumbs

  1. #1

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    Still raw, not sure what's going on, breadcrumbs

    Hi all,

    last Friday my GF of 3.5 years went out and slept with a friend from work who she'd been talking to. We'd had some issues over the last couple months, which we had talked through but she said she felt they weren't getting better, so its seems like she started an emotional affair. She didn't come home that night so her family thought something had happened to her and were worried sick; I knew in my gut what the real situation was. She eventually came home to be confronted by not only me but her parents, sister and brother-in-law. Her defences went straight up and she said some awful things.

    She was initially very cold and unfeeling but then relented but said she can't love me as much as she should to do this, I agree. But I still want to make it work if we can, we have been through a lot and always come out the other side stronger. She was adamant it was over at first but then became more non-committal and didn't officially end it to my mind.

    We spoke briefly on Saturday afternoon, then very early Sunday morning as I had been up all night going over it in my head and realising occasions where she may have met up with him prior to the night in question. She is adamant that it was the first time.

    I called her Monday night after leaving a friends house and she didnt answer but called back immediately, i was in the car so she asked where I was and if I was at her house. I replied no and asked where she was, she said "out" and that it was nothing to do with me and hung up. We text a few times later that evening, she was very cold and abrupt. The last text i received I didn't reply to and that was 2 days ago now, I'm trying to stick with NC, which is hard but I'm doing it. I haven't had any contact from her.

    She puts a lot of stock in social media, yet I don't and this has often caused arguments. She has now hidden her relationship status but not removed it; I'm still in a relationship with her on there and it is tagged as such, but only she and I can see it. She has not deleted me from any of her accounts but she's hiding her active status now. She has deleted one friend of mine who she didn't like anyway but kept everyone else including my sister and best friends. One friend of hers has deleted me. The man she slept with sings in bars on weekends so his page is really public and she's been liking his posts. So despite us barely speaking and her not ending it completely to my face, it is clear by her behaviour that it is over and she is going to pursue this new thing, she just hasn't said it to me.

    THEN...last night she posts lyrics to "our" song, that she knows are very personal to me and us. Nobody else would understand the meaning behind them for us. Why would she do that, just breadcrumbs? Or is the NC working? I know its very early and emotions are everywhere but I believe she still loves me and this whole mess can be resolved. Am I wrong?
    Last edited by pscorchio; 03-05-2020 at 05:06 AM.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by pscorchio
    Hi all,

    last Friday my GF of 3.5 years went out and slept with a friend from work who she'd been talking to. We'd had some issues over the last couple months, which we had talked through but she said she felt they weren't getting better, so its seems like she started an emotional affair. She didn't come home that night so her family thought something had happened to her and were worried sick; I knew in my gut what the real situation was. She eventually came home to be confronted by not only me but her parents, sister and brother-in-law. Her defences went straight up and she said some awful things.

    She was initially very cold and unfeeling but then relented but said she can't love me as much as she should to do this, I agree. But I still want to make it work if we can, we have been through a lot and always come out the other side stronger. She was adamant it was over at first but then became more non-committal and didn't officially end it to my mind.

    We spoke briefly on Saturday afternoon, then very early Sunday morning as I had been up all night going over it in my head and realising occasions where she may have met up with him prior to the night in question. She is adamant that it was the first time.

    I called her Monday night after leaving a friends house and she didnt answer but called back immediately, i was in the car so she asked where I was and if I was at her house. I replied no and asked where she was, she said "out" and that it was nothing to do with me and hung up. We text a few times later that evening, she was very cold and abrupt. The last text i received I didn't reply to and that was 2 days ago now, I'm trying to stick with NC, which is hard but I'm doing it. I haven't had any contact from her.

    She puts a lot of stock in social media, yet I don't and this has often caused arguments. She has now hidden her relationship status but not removed it; I'm still in a relationship with her on there and it is tagged as such, but only she and I can see it. She has not deleted me from any of her accounts but she's hiding her active status now. She has deleted one friend of mine who she didn't like anyway but kept everyone else including my sister and best friends. One friend of hers has deleted me. The man she slept with sings in bars on weekends so his page is really public and she's been liking his posts. So despite us barely speaking and her not ending it completely to my face, it is clear by her behaviour that it is over and she is going to pursue this new thing, she just hasn't said it to me.

    THEN...last night she posts lyrics to "our" song, that she knows are very personal to me and us. Nobody else would understand the meaning behind them for us. Why would she do that, just breadcrumbs? Or is the NC working? I know its very early and emotions are everywhere but I believe she still loves me and this whole mess can be resolved. Am I wrong?
    She is afraid to leave and wavering. But she already pulled the trigger. Now she is attempting to deal with a choice she made before she completely understood it.

    Stay strong with the NC brother, this too shall pass

  3. #3

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    Originally Posted by GatorXP
    She is afraid to leave and wavering. But she already pulled the trigger. Now she is attempting to deal with a choice she made before she completely understood it.

    Stay strong with the NC brother, this too shall pass
    Thank you my friend, still in so much pain. I hope she sorts her head out soon.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's very painful to watch a relationship unravel before your eyes and watching it die slowly while you seem helpless to do anything. She's checked out for months now since you two started having a lot of problems. But at some level you already know it's been over for a long time. Try to let go.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. It's very painful to watch a relationship unravel before your eyes and watching it die slowly while you seem helpless to do anything. She's checked out for months now since you two started having a lot of problems. But at some level you already know it's been over for a long time. Try to let go.
    We have always talked and been good at sharing our feelings, but clearly she's been making plans whilst all the time telling me how strong we were and how much she loved me. The previous weekend I told her I'd give her some space and she came running immediately, showering me with affection and promising me the earth, only for this to happen a week later.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by pscorchio
    We have always talked and been good at sharing our feelings, but clearly she's been making plans whilst all the time telling me how strong we were and how much she loved me. The previous weekend I told her I'd give her some space and she came running immediately, showering me with affection and promising me the earth, only for this to happen a week later.
    This kind of "flipping" can be indicative of mental illness. Check out her behavior vs some symptoms of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder etc. It may give u some insight into what your dealing with.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by GatorXP
    This kind of "flipping" can be indicative of mental illness. Check out her behavior vs some symptoms of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder etc. It may give u some insight into what your dealing with.
    Maybe should've added that bit, but yes she may have some sort of personality disorder. her behaviour in the past has been self-destructive, which I have helped her overcome. Her sister has BPD and it runs in the family. She refuses to see anyone to get diagnosed any further, and has recently come off her anti-depressants because she "doesn't want to be like the rest of them."

    Having said that, personally I believe that the reason for the flipping was either the guy she was talking to may have gone cold, or she herself wasn't sure what to do.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by pscorchio
    Having said that, personally I believe that the reason for the flipping was either the guy she was talking to may have gone cold, or she herself wasn't sure what to do.
    This is very likely the case.

    She might have warming up to you previously to prevent you from suspecting anything was wrong. It's not unusual for cheaters to over-compensate like this in an attempt to hide their real behaviour. It's also not unusual for them to have doubts when the crap hits the fan, because they suddenly realize how badly they've blown up their lives and are afraid of being alone. The breadcrumbs that follow their affair coming to light are often coming from a place of setting up their security blanket (ie. the partner they cheated on) just in case their affair partner no longer wants them.

    Unfortunately, she no longer feels the same way about you. She doesn't respect you, and sure doesn't love you anymore. Her behaviour is all the evidence you need of that. The likelihood of overcoming this sort of betrayal stronger and happier? Almost zilch, man. Even if this new guy disappears tomorrow, you would still be left with the problem of her lack of interest and commitment to you, and badly-damaged trust. You would be wise to remove this person from your life. Easier said than done, I realize, but slowly you will come to understand that she is bad news and not the girl you thought you knew.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Run!....👟👟👟👟
    Originally Posted by pscorchio
    Her sister has BPD and it runs in the family. She refuses to see anyone to get diagnosed any further, and has recently come off her anti-depressants because she "doesn't want to be like the rest of them."

  11. #10
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    She's a liar and a cheat. Why do you want her back?

    Don't you have any self respect? She lied to you during the relationship. Proceeded to cheat on you and now has you dancing to her beat.


    Block, delete and move on. If she wanted to save the relationship she would have opened her mouth not her legs.

    The hot and cold texts etc are just her keeping you on the back burner with the new guy. When it's good with him you get the coldness. When it's bad with him you get the warmness.

    This is not a good woman so you should start to ask. Yourself why you think she deserves to come back.

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