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Thread: Bad temper

  1. #1
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Bad temper

    I am concerned about a friend of mine. She's been married for about 2 years now and tells me that her husband has a bad temper.
    When they get in arguments, he gets so angry that he will punch the bed (if they're talking in the bedroom) or the walls, or throws things (although not at her).
    She's starting to become really worried that he will hit her and cringes at his temper.

    I have never been in an a physically abusive relationship (thank god!) so I honestly don't know if she has a reason to be concerned or not.
    Does punching walls or throwing things make it more likely that a partner will eventually hit?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Sounds like they don't know how to communicate, he gets frustrated and takes it out on inanimate objects (thus far). Will his temper lead to hitting? It may or it may not. It depends on whether or not your friends can stop arguing and instead learn how to communicate properly and then it definitely will be less likely.

    Next time she talks about it can you suggest couples therapy or a class on how to communicate so they don't let it get to hitting anything? If they do nothing then it will more likely than not could escalate.

    Does she know when to stop when she can see that arguing isn't getting them anywhere except having to repair drywall?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    That is called intimidation and it is abusive. She needs to get out. One day it won’t be the wall.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    can stop arguing and instead learn how to communicate properly and then it definitely will be less likely.
    I've heard of and been in some very loud arguments and discussions in my time. (I think every couple has at some point). But I don't believe lack of knowing how to communicate or having flares of tempers ever makes a person at risk of anything physical.

    I think you either have a partner who will hit and become physical during an argument or you don't. Some people hit or start throwing things, while others will never become this way no matter how angry.

    I agree that they need to learn how to discuss things so that their tempers don't boil over. But I don't think this relates to the worry of being hit as some people aren't like that and never will be.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    That is called intimidation and it is abusive. She needs to get out. One day it won’t be the wall
    I'd agree with you there, Seraphim, apart from the fact that she says he's always dealt with his anger this way when she spoke to him about it.

    Apparently even when he lived on his own if he got upset he would throw something, like say a phone and break it, if someone got him angry, whether that be a co worker, family member, etc.

    Throwing something or hitting a wall, seems to be his outlet for his anger, but does this make him more prone to actually hitting my friend?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I'd agree with you there, Seraphim, apart from the fact that she says he's always dealt with his anger this way when she spoke to him about it.

    Apparently even when he lived on his own if he got upset he would throw something, like say a phone and break it, if someone got him angry, whether that be a co worker, family member, etc.

    Throwing something or hitting a wall, seems to be his outlet for his anger, but does this make him more prone to actually hitting my friend?
    If I had a coworker act like that at work his ass would be fired. He has very maladaptive coping methods. She should run.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If I had a coworker act like that at work his ass would be fired
    Oh sorry, what I meant was...if he had a bad day at work or a falling out with a family member over the phone, he would hang up the phone, THEN throw something against the wall.

    He told my friend he has always dealt with his anger like this and it didn't affect anyone, until now with being married and having a spouse witness it.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Oh sorry, what I meant was...if he had a bad day at work or a falling out with a family member over the phone, he would hang up the phone, THEN throw something against the wall.

    He told my friend he has always dealt with his anger like this and it didn't affect anyone, until now with being married and having a spouse witness it.
    He THINKS it affects no one. It is mental and emotional abuse.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Maybe he just has bad coping skills? But even if he does, will it mean he will carry on to hit my friend, eventually?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Tell her you are concerned about the escalating violence which is intended to control and intimidate her. Physical abuse is the end game not the beginning. Sadly too many people think abuse is s trip to the ER, but that is usually when they are in so deep and for so long that it's very difficult to extricate themselves by then. It doesn't matter if it progresses it's already abusive.

    Send her some material on abusive relationships. There is a spectrum and a black eye or broken bones are aren't necessary for it to be abusive. If you don't want to be around her or tell her "no problem", it may be best to distance yourself from this after suggesting she inform herself on abusive relationships. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't confide in you and instead read up on the subject from the multitude of reliable accurate information available.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    She's starting to become really worried that he will hit her and cringes at his temper. I honestly don't know if she has a reason to be concerned or not.
    Does punching walls or throwing things make it more likely that a partner will eventually hit?

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