Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: Is my friend's boyfriend abusive?

  1. #1
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    372

    Is my friend's boyfriend abusive?

    I think my friend's BF is abusive. But this could definitely be a result of subjectivity. I need some additional perspective. I don't want to say anything to her if it is not truly warranted.

    My friend met her BF online. She was instantly attracted to him. They are really from two different worlds: she is very family-oriented, but he never sees his family; she has an MBA, but he barely graduated high school; she has a very solid, good job and zero debt; he goes between jobs and is drowning in debt. A few months into their relationship, she started joking around--saying "he might as well just move in already; he is always at my house." A few weeks later, he had "officially" moved in (and by that, I mean that he told her he did not renew his lease and was going to move his things in to her house).
    He has two ex-wives. And two domestic violence charges. He has a son that he sees once every three months or so (because it is easier to just not mess with his mother). She had a party at her house and he became black-out drunk, starting crying and hid in the bedroom so long that she had to disappear from her own party and convince him that he was not an awful person.
    Here is where I have a hard time: my friend is extremely social. She normally has social activities every day of the week, is always with her friends, travels a lot, and is always up for an adventure. She is a great friend. Lately, she is not available. She misses social activities with her good friends because he thinks she is gone too much. A few weeks ago, we took a girls' trip and he refused to talk to her because he said that she was purposely abandoning him and that she never spends any time with him and he feels like she is always choosing other things. She excuses this as him being unconfident.
    Twice in the past month she has simply not shown up for stuff. And last night, she canceled something that we had planned for this weekend. Her birthday is this week. He asked her to cancel her plans for Saturday. He said "are you ever going to let me do anything for you?"
    He served in the military and suffers from PTSD. He refuses to seek help for this. But he pities himself nonstop and will tell her how awful he feels all the time and that she never helps him with anything.
    He pays for nothing. Nothing. No help with her mortgage, no bills. She pays for everything. I think he pays his car payment, but that it is. She takes him on trips.
    At the party where he hid in the bedroom, he also groped another of our friends.
    He often gets very loud and will argue with anything that anyone says. Instead of listening, he literally says "you are wrong. you are wrong." His arrogance is incredible. Several of her friends refuse to be around him.

    I need advice: do you think I am reading too much into this because she is in a new situation and is finding herself committing to a new person instead of her friends? do you think that he could be actually abusive? should I say anything about my concerns to her?

  2. #2
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    372
    My main concern is that he will start to become physically abusive. He is already isolating her from her friends.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    54
    Posts
    38,216
    Gender
    Female
    I donít see anything abusive there . A mooch, yes. But if someone is in a relationship they canít go out with friends every night of the week.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,307
    Gender
    Female
    Abusive? Not yet. However, your radar and concerns are right on point. He is highly manipulative and she is falling for it unfortunately.

    Log before there is physical abuse, there is psychological and emotional abuse and it starts just like this. Lots of self pity/pity me, you are abandoning me to be with your friends, etc., etc., etc. Drip drip drip. Soon enough, the person becomes shackled with guilt that they are being a bad partner for having a life, they stop going out, they well....get brainwashed.

    Worst part for you as a friend is that there is nothing you can do about it. If you get on to her about how he is bad, all you will do is push her away from you and toward him as she'll get defensive. About the only thing you can do is try to educate her as a general conversation about what grooming for abuse looks like and hope dearly that something sets off a light bulb in her brain even if not now, then later as things get worse. Bottom line is that something is attracting her to this toxic dynamic and that's that. Until she decides otherwise, nothing will change.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    17,207
    Gender
    Female
    He has two ex-wives. And two domestic violence charges.
    Was she aware of the domestic charges before allowing him to move in? In any event, with her being an adult, unfortunately you can only do so much as in offering her advice.

    As the saying goes, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink it. Unless she wakes up, your hands are tied...sorry to say.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    1,806
    [Register to see the link]

    He sounds awful

  8. #7
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    990
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Abusive? Not yet. However, your radar and concerns are right on point. He is highly manipulative and she is falling for it unfortunately.

    Log before there is physical abuse, there is psychological and emotional abuse and it starts just like this. Lots of self pity/pity me, you are abandoning me to be with your friends, etc., etc., etc. Drip drip drip. Soon enough, the person becomes shackled with guilt that they are being a bad partner for having a life, they stop going out, they well....get brainwashed.

    Worst part for you as a friend is that there is nothing you can do about it. If you get on to her about how he is bad, all you will do is push her away from you and toward him as she'll get defensive. About the only thing you can do is try to educate her as a general conversation about what grooming for abuse looks like and hope dearly that something sets off a light bulb in her brain even if not now, then later as things get worse. Bottom line is that something is attracting her to this toxic dynamic and that's that. Until she decides otherwise, nothing will change.
    I completely agree with DancingFool's assessment. He is very manipulative and controlling. "...she canceled something that we had planned for this weekend." << See, she already feels guilty and is catering to all his demands. That, IMHO, is emotional abuse. There are so many red flags in this toxic relationship already. I hope your friends opens her eyes very soon and realises how bad this entire situation is. I'm not sure what you can do about it though. You are caught between a rock and a hard place.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,514
    Has it been a really long time since she had a boyfriend or a relationship?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,723
    I must be a really crappy friend because I donít know half of the intimate details you know about your friends relationships.

    My advice? Honestly? Butt out. One thing Iíve learned as Iíve lived, your friends and family will vent to you and you of course will be on their side but at the end of the day sheís choosing to go back so recognize itís just that her venting and until she wants to make a change... well... itís her life to live.

    Whether or not heís abusive, again her life to live, even if he crosses that line... SHE has to decide to leave.

    Worry about your emotional and mental health and just be prepared to be there for her when sheís ready, until then donít ruin your friendship by butting in because she will choose him. Tell her to stop venting if it affects you this much also, itís not fair to you.

    Get some space, itís seriously not healthy to be this involved with someone elseís love life. You can be a good friend from a distance.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,401
    What happened in her life that she would be attracted to a loser like this?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •