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Thread: Bad temper

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Wiseman, if her husband has always thrown things as an outlet for his anger, and has done so in his house alone (I know it's very bad coping skills), but does it still make it controlling and intimidating or does it make it a man who has no idea how to deal with his own anger and is acting the only way he knows how to?

    Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right whatsoever, but I am trying to work out if he is a threat to my friend or if he just has always behaved this way and will always throw things whether he's alone or not.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She's not going to fix him. Read up on it: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    does it make it a man who has no idea how to deal with his own anger and is acting the only way he knows how to?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Send her some material on abusive relationships. There is a spectrum and a black eye or broken bones are aren't necessary for it to be abusive. If you don't want to be around her or tell her "no problem", it may be best to distance yourself from this after suggesting she inform herself on abusive relationships. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't confide in you and instead read up on the subject from the multitude of reliable accurate information available.
    I have told her that he needs anger management asap. But as for him hitting her, I don't know if it will come to that. But you are absolutely right, it is already abusive if he'a already throwing things and acting this way.

    She says he blames her though and says if she hadn't pushed him that far he wouldn't be doing that. I don't think that's right. I feel that it doesn't matter how angry you get, you don't cross certain lines, such as throwing things or punching walls.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Defining abuse is not the issue. The issue is as a friend you could help by suggesting she read up on it by herself rather than sit around splitting hairs as to whether it's abusive or anger or whatever.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    This relationship is abusive,period. Even if he’s a guy who doesn’t know how to control his anger. Even the best possible scenario this is still an abusive relationship. His anger is his problem and she should leave.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Defining abuse is not the issue. The issue is as a friend you could help by suggesting she read up on it by herself rather than sit around splitting hairs as to whether it's abusive or anger or whatever.
    This relationship is abusive,period. Even if he’s a guy who doesn’t know how to control his anger. Even the best possible scenario this is still an abusive relationship. His anger is his problem and she should leave.
    Okay, thank you. I will pass along the information.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I've heard of and been in some very loud arguments and discussions in my time. (I think every couple has at some point).
    No doubt.
    But I don't believe lack of knowing how to communicate or having flares of tempers ever makes a person at risk of anything physical.
    Are you saying you don't think she's in physical danger or are you saying a lack of communication skills does not lead to what he ends up doing? If its the latter then I disagree.

    I think you either have a partner who will hit and become physical during an argument or you don't.
    Well, then you believe that it's possible that he just takes out his frustration due to the poor way they both communicate will only lead to a smashed wall? Logic of what you're saying would dictate that that scenerio is also possible.

    Some people hit or start throwing things, while others will never become this way no matter how angry.
    Yes true. But its also true that they may throw things or punch things but never hit their partner. Thing is, there are ways to learn to stop triggering and to stop reacting (with good communication, with knowing when to back off, and knowing when to stop the bs with one another and cool down before discussing further). Classes in communication and anger management for both of them wouldn't hurt. If after that they are unable to de-escalate then they should part ways because clearly they are toxic to one another. I suspect she's not sitting there in the corner while he raves at her and punches walls. Is she?

    I agree that they need to learn how to discuss things so that their tempers don't boil over.
    Yes, that's my point.

    But I don't think this relates to the worry of being hit as some people aren't like that and never will be.
    Well, your friends are two of those people who may, so...

  9. #18
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    There are actual rooms you can rent to smash things that are set up to break like vases, glasses, wood furniture, etc. It's an outlet meant to be therapeutic. I think it would be helpful though to take communication classes so to at least not let his feelings get so pent up that he explodes on the walls. Maybe learning to take 10 seconds to just breath; or take a deep breath, and release counting out 8 seconds. Then repeat for at least 3 more times.

    My bros were like this in their teens and 20's, but both did classes on how communication, and no longer do the throwing of objects. Neither of them have ever hit someone in the process. But as teens, a few holes in the wall or door from them.

    After discussing how to him how it scares her, if he does stick to it, have her leave the room, premises, etc, and not say anything. This helps to disengage, and discourage this type of bad attention.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    he needs help first thing would be self realisation.
    second he needs a councillor a therapist who can tell him there are better ways to deal with it.

  11. #20
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    Not to split hairs but I think there's a difference between getting mad, leaving a room to go into another room and slamming the door or going into the kitchen and slamming the fridge shut, etc -then it's not in front of the person and for some it's an outlet - and it's not intimidating like throwing something in her presence near her but not at her. It really depends on her perception and also -she needs to tell him "when you do ____ I feel ____" and see what he says.

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