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Thread: I'm lost and confused...

  1. #1

    I'm lost and confused...

    Hi all.

    To be honest, I don't know where to begin... I'm even not sure of this is the right forum to be posting this on... But I need help and some perspective... I'm so fed up at the moment and to be honest... I suffered from severe depression a while back, and eventhough I got treated, I never felt that I truly bounced back to myself. I'm hoping someone can help me understand and maybe tell me how I can go about feeling better... This is going to be long... And I'm sorry... But she truly is... One of the best people... And deserves only the best... This is just my side, but she wasn't a bad person. I can only say good things about her.

    So... Short history... I'm a late 20s gentleman and I just had my heart broken by a girl about 9 years younger than me... Yeah, I know what everyone is already going to say when they read this... "She was young and immature!" She wasn't, believe me... She wasn't... She had a heart of gold and me... A heart of glass - I don't need pity or anything... I'm just still so lost... I'm the type of guy who literally gives everything to his relationship to make it work and despite my chosen profession, I'm still dumb enough to not realise if things are going South. I know I can't do the work of two people but... I can do my part and help her realise that I'm truly there for her. She always needed that...

    She is cute, short and with a fierce feisty nature that easily complimented my own reservedness... Not that there is a lot. She had spunk and style, and when she truly put her mind to something, she would do it... And I love her family, especially her sister - she's a nerd like me and we can talk discuss so much.

    We were together for 1 year 5 months and to me, they were the greatest time of my dating life. I've been in previous relationships before but... Nothing like this - she was truly perfect (even if she had any flaws... I never saw them... I saw them in any of my exes but not her). She was the style and I, the nerd. Undeserving of her...

    I always believed that you treat a woman as exactly who she is - a uniquely beautiful girl, who deserves your undivided attention and this IS MY PRINCIPLE IN LIFE, as she was my Princess for the last 1 year 5 months.

    My other exes could be largely grouped up in the category of "odd and different" with varying amounts of craziness that lead to us breaking up. I never do the break ups myself, I don't have the heart for it plus I'd rather have it all on me than have them shoulder it... I did it again this time. Yeah, I know. It's not healthy. But unfortunately, it's hard to change myself and what's worse, is that my head is not always in the right place. She said and I quote, " Don't ever leave me but if you have to... Cheat on me so I hate you and don't ever want to see you again." I couldn't do that... I my heart only beat for her.

    Getting back on topic... Sorry for my meandering... She was great, had a great family and her sister and I are close. I did everything the books say... Distance, mute on social media, avoid her in general, etcetera... But... It still hurts. Throughout our relationship, she was on bad days, a bit moody with her affections and, for the most part, when things would be going in the dumps... I'd best the brunt of it and accept it and then stand right back up, believing it made me stronger... I still don't know if it did. She got angry over small and silly things and I found if cute but she truly cared for me and she says that she still does... I still love her unfortunately, so when she produced an amalgamation of the time old phrases of "it's not you, it's me", "we can be friends", "I love you, as a friend" and, my personal favourite, "you will find someone better than me, cause you deserve better", I just was so angry... I don't know how to show anger to her... In the time we were together, I never had a single argument with her... I never felt the need to...

    We had everything plain sailing for the first 6 months... Both physically and emotionally, we truly clicked and we never ran out of topics to talk about when we chatted. Throughout this, she was suffering from apathy and depression, with somedays worse than others... But I always was there for her and she appreciated it... Then we broke up for a day, and I was sad... And unhappy... I went out and spoke to my best friend about it and she consoled me but it hurt. She called me less than 12 hours later on the phone telling me that she misses me and wanted to get back together... Immediately, my heart soared and *poof* everything was fine again. Her moods didn't change and then... She decided to stop going to the psychologist and stop her meds... Main reason: money and "I don't need them anymore"... I disagreed with her and despite the fact I'm a health professional, she ignores my advice... She never understood how far I fell down the rabbit hole in a previous bout of depression and I could understand how bad it was to feel apathic and lethargic...

    In regards to money and help? She never had any issues. I always helped her both when asked and not... I know she wanted help... but was always too proud to ask for it... Debts piled on and I'm still waiting to be paid but it was all for something... She needed stuff for uni? I helped... She wanted to go out and have fun but was broke... Guess who helped her... She started smoking? I had to help her stop and then she didn't care anymore... She needed someone to help her in her assignments during my own final year exams... I helped her and even roped my friends into it... She needed to pay her mother or sister... I always got her back... I was always going to be her crutch... (I think, I still might be...). Whenever her phone broke or was confiscated, I lent them to her and even after we broke up, I told her to use them until she repairs hers... Till the day before she ended it, she still asked for help to find books online and was telling me that she loves me... There's so much I've done for her and I meant it out of the goodwill of my own heart. She did stuff for me too, mostly make me smile but it was enough to stave off the bitterness and pain of my final year of studies.

    My pocket? She was easily 400 in debt... But who cares... she took me out for dinner... Her card got declined and I paid for our dinner... It was never about money but that she showed a wish to be part of a 2-person relationship... I love her... Or loved her... I don't know...

    She did help me too. She listened to me bicker, moan and complain until I would get the phrase, "I don't feel like listening this anymore". But it was because I was difficult and was asking her to be my crutch... To be my safety net... I shouldn't have asked her to do that. She deserved better than me.

    After we got back together, things didn't really change from before... But she stopped going to the psychologist and she shouldn't have... We went for a short two day trip with friends and we had fun but... Soon enough... Same thing happened again... And we stopped again... 3 days later... We met up and got back together... Or on "trial" as she called it... Nothing changed except us not saying "I love you" to each other... Then 3 weeks later, she invited me to shower with her and... She blurted it out... And I was like "you're sure?" And she said "Yes, I can't imagine my life without you". On my first day of University, she sent me roses in front of 150 classmates... I was so red and couldn't even look people in the eyes... It was amazingly sweet but it truly showed me that we were going to be okay...

    Our physical relationship had taken a drop by our 1 year mark but it shot up for a few weeks before falling down again... Christmas dinners went okay... New Year's Eve went okay... Then Valentine's too! I was so happy...

    I had gotten her small little jewelery sets and presents throughout our relationship but I most recently gave her an "I love you" necklace, which she wore proudly all the way up to the day before she ended it with me... Even showing proudly off to my mother all her trinkets... Which made it all the worse.

    We met up and... She ended it out of the blue... After much tugging, she started off with a comment on our physical relationship, "what do you think about our physical relationship?" I said I was happy with it, to which she scoffs and says I want more... I told her that to me, the emotional part is more important than the physical part and I got laughed at... Then she cried so much... I didn't know what to do except stroke her head and hug her as she poured it out... From the moment, she's told me... My heart has died and shattered into a million parts and I can't feel anything anymore... No joy, no happiness... Not me at all... I put a mask on and say everything is okay because I don't want to burden anyone and I'm too scared too... I'm scared if I tell someone, I'll cry and crash and just be pathetic... I wanted to cry with her... But I didn't manage... she said, "I'm losing the best thing in my life and I'm going to regret it," and I hate myself was not saying, "please don't go!" To what end? She needs time and freedom to figure things out...

    What I truly felt was unfair... Was that she told me that she had been feeling like this since Christmas... And we kept on going... Maybe if we talked about it before... It would have gone a different way...

    All I know is that when I see a picture of her... I feel like a ragdoll that has been drowned in so much water... That my lungs are choking and I can't breathe... It's all in my head... But... The worst thing is that less than a week since it happened... I know she's free and unattached but I still want to call her just to hear her voice... It's stupid... I know... Shoot me... Humanity is destined to die with the stupidity of it's emotions.

    Please. I'm asking for help. Because I really don't know what to do at this point... I'm stable but empty... And I hate this emptiness.

    I know I still love her... I know she is not perfect but... to me she was... And I'm a goddamn fool and I'm sure, I the reason she left.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unfortunately "young and immature" are the least of the problems here, even though dating a teenager is a bad idea in itself.. She has untreated mental health problems.

    Let her go. She has parents, friends family, doctors and therapists she needs to have relationships with. You as well are hopefully staying on top of and ahead of any issues you are having after the breakup or in general.
    Originally Posted by Some1confused
    I suffered from severe depression a while back, and eventhough I got treated, I never felt that I truly bounced back to myself.

    I'm a late 20s gentleman and I just had my heart broken by a girl about 9 years younger than me..she was my Princess for the last 1 year 5 months.

    She decided to stop going to the psychologist and stop her meds... Main reason: money and "I don't need them anymore"...


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