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Thread: Losing a friend

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    Hi Batya, sounds like a good idea, but it wouldn't work in my situation I'm afraid. The dining etiquette is taken very seriously in my country, and it would look super weird if I ordered only water for lunch, or wasn't simply eating at all.
    As I said it's not just this restaurant thing, it's more about her overall behavior. I'll probably focus on other people and different things in my life.
    Same here. My sister won't eat in front of people. The people who want to see her understand. She went to a thanksgiving meal with her daughter and her daughter's friends and they were fine with it. Most people put silly etiquette rules like that to the side in the name of thoughtfulness. Etiquette is supposed to be about thinking of others as are manners. You also can order something inexpensive and push food around your plate. People care much more about themselves than you. Or say you'll meet later in the meal for "dessert" and order tea for dessert.
    I agree to take space. I was struggling a bit as far as whether to contact a friend who blew me off some years ago after a long friendship -no idea at all why she went MIA/faded out. I wanted to contact her because I believe her family is being affected indirectly by the coronavirus (meaning her anxiety, closed schools, her kids, etc not that I think they are ill) - and I stopped myself. Why contact her after two years -to get some polite "no need to respond" "we're fine thank you so much for reaching out. take care." I can't help her in any real way given where they live.

  2. #22
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Yeah, I've been following the thread from the beginning. That's why I emphasized that I know these are hard moments—and, in the midst of them, we sometimes kind of tilt toward wanting to confirm the glass has become half empty than be reminded that, who knows, maybe it's actually still half full.

    When you give me these specifics—she's celebrating something, another friend booked a table, you've been invited—what I see, in that vacuum, are people being friendly and considerate, not trying to thwart you with a restaurant selection.

    Agree that letting the focus go from her for a bit sounds like a great plan. These things have a way of shaking out with some space, frustrating as it is to realize some shaking out is in order.
    Thanks Blue, I'm not saying she or her friend chose that restaurant on purpose, perhaps I am a little negative, I think I miss the effort to do things together, but I know I can't expect people to behave the same way as I would.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just pull back and give her space.

  4. #24
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Just pull back and give her space.
    I agree, I didn't contact her until yesterday when she reached out with the lunch thing.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You said you both met new guys recently. How are things going with the guy she met? Maybe he's not so great and she feels bad hearing about yours.

    Not that you are overly talking about him or being a braggard. If she is crushed, its hard to deal with.

    Sorry about the restaurant choice and that she is being like this. I think you habe two choices, pull back and see how she reacts. Or give her a call and just ask how's she doing. And if she seems "off" you might be able to mention, that you noticed things are a little of and you wanted to see if there is anything she wants to talk about.

    Open ended questions, ones you cant say yes or no to, get you more info. And if you feel you haven't done anything, you don't have to ask what you did.

    Most of the things people do and say are a reflection of them, not you.

    Good luck. It hurts to lose a friend.... I hope passes.

  7. #26
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Hi Lambert, thank you for your insight, I have no idea how it's going with her guy, as far as I know she's not looking for anything serious right now, so maybe they're just hooking up (no judgement here). I didn't ask her recently as I felt she doesn't want to talk to me that much, and I didn't mention my guy either.
    I will probably just pull back and let her reach out if she wants to hang out, I honestly don't feel like I did something bad, like we didn't have an argument or something.
    It's true she prefers to hang out with people she has more in common than with me, and she also fell out with few girlfriends and I noticed she became a little bitter because of it. We both know this girl, and she broke up with her bf a few months ago, and this friend of mine was actually happy/excited because she believed this girl was a gold digger. What I'm trying to say is that she became a bit judgmental lately.
    Thanks guys for reading this, and responding, it really helps me, we're both expats in this country and she was one of my closest friends here.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is she more extroverted than you are? Focus on your other friends. It sounds more like changing dynamics/circumstances than anything in else particular
    Originally Posted by kim42
    It's true she prefers to hang out with people she has more in common than with me

  9. #28
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is she more extroverted than you are? Focus on your other friends. It sounds more like changing dynamics/circumstances than anything in else particular
    Yes, she definitely is, she's not a party animal per se, but she's more open than I am, that's for sure. I already have weekend plans with other friends, so it's okay

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