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Thread: Losing a friend

  1. #11
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Maybe she is just moving on.

    My sister has always been like this. She was a climber as a child and it's continued on through adulthood.

    I can't tell you how many 'best friends' she's dumped since she was a little girl. She's always moving on to the next big thing, and she never looks back.

    She's a great charmer and it's made her very successful in business.

    So, try not to take it too personally. Your friend probably isn't.
    Thank you, I didn't think about it like this, she stopped being friends with a few girls, most recently with her bff, but it seemed like it wasn't her fault. Friendships mean a lot to me, but i'll try not to take it personally :)

  2. #12
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Cheer up. Did you know that actress Kristen Bell is a fellow sloth-lover?

    I know, I've seen this video a few times I haven't seen a sloth yet, for now I have my stuffed one lol.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    I know, I've seen this video a few times I haven't seen a sloth yet, for now I have my stuffed one lol.
    I should have known ;)

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    Yes I did, I also sent her a message before the brunch actually started, I mean she's late sometimes too, just as me, I don't think it's a big deal, at least she never mentioned it. I think I'll wait to see if she suggests meeting up next week or so, and if not, I'll just talk to her about it.
    You treated the situation very thoughtfully!

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  6. #15
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    So this friend of mine reached out to me, she wants to do lunch this weekend to celebrate her recent promotion. Her friend chose a Japanese restaurant, and as I don't like this type of cuisine, I told her I can't come. She said we'd meet up next time, but I am a little disappointed she didn't even try to find a different restaurant so I could come too. Like when I'm organizing such get togethers, I'm trying to find a place that would work for everyone.
    I let it go and told her we could hang out on Sunday and she said she's busy. At this point I just feel she doesn't care that much about our friendship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Did you tell her the reason you couldn't make it is because of the cuisine?

    I get that this friendship has become a source of angst—probably because you're picking up on some shifts, maybe even some places where you two are not as simpatico as you once were—but I think that concluding that "she doesn't care all that much about our friendship" because you weren't consulted on the restaurant selection might be misplacing that angst a bit. She could, after all, reach the same conclusion about your choice to skip the lunch, no?

    I can only speak for myself, but I find I'm often invited to celebrate one thing or another in a friend's life in an environment that doesn't dovetail with me all that much. Could be cuisine I don't love, a rowdy bar where I prefer a more subdued environment, or some goofball activity (bowling, say) that I find lame. But I take the invite as a genuine show of interest in me and having me around to celebrate something, so I go, and 98 percent of the time I have a lot more fun than I thought I'd have.

    Again, I totally know the rub when a once-sparkly friendship takes on some tarnish, and even seems to be fading out. There's a sting there, always. But at least from where I sit, when a friend invites you to celebrate something it means they want you there and are thinking about you, not the opposite.

  8. #17
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    I don't know if you read my thread from the beginning, it's not just about the restaurant. Yes, I've told her I can't eat this type if cuisine because then I'm sick. I get she can choose whichever place she wants, but speaking for myself, I try to take into consideration if someone's a vegan or doesn't eat something if I really want that person to be there. I mean we live in a big city, there's plenty of choice. I'm usually pretty easy going when we do stuff and go out, but I don't want to pay for a something that will make me sick.
    You are probably right about the fading out thing, I mean I have lots of friends so it's not like I'm all alone now, it just makes me sad because we used to be very close.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    So this friend of mine reached out to me, she wants to do lunch this weekend to celebrate her recent promotion. Her friend chose a Japanese restaurant, and as I don't like this type of cuisine, I told her I can't come. She said we'd meet up next time, but I am a little disappointed she didn't even try to find a different restaurant so I could come too. Like when I'm organizing such get togethers, I'm trying to find a place that would work for everyone.
    I let it go and told her we could hang out on Sunday and she said she's busy. At this point I just feel she doesn't care that much about our friendship.
    I have certain restrictions/strong preferences too and what I've done is eat before or after and just order tea or a drink. I've done that quite a bit when my husband and son wish to go to a particular place while we're on a road trip. I went to someone's bday gathering at a restaurant I could eat nothing at - completely restricted from that type of food at that time of year - they actually did offer to get me something from the place next door but I wanted to be there and so I ate something I could eat (and would have just had a water if I couldn't). To me it's about the company and the social interaction not the food.

  10. #19
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Hi Batya, sounds like a good idea, but it wouldn't work in my situation I'm afraid. The dining etiquette is taken very seriously in my country, and it would look super weird if I ordered only water for lunch, or wasn't simply eating at all.
    As I said it's not just this restaurant thing, it's more about her overall behavior. I'll probably focus on other people and different things in my life.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Yeah, I've been following the thread from the beginning. That's why I emphasized that I know these are hard moments—and, in the midst of them, we sometimes kind of tilt toward wanting to confirm the glass has become half empty than be reminded that, who knows, maybe it's actually still half full.

    When you give me these specifics—she's celebrating something, another friend booked a table, you've been invited—what I see, in that vacuum, are people being friendly and considerate, not trying to thwart you with a restaurant selection.

    Agree that letting the focus go from her for a bit sounds like a great plan. These things have a way of shaking out with some space, frustrating as it is to realize some shaking out is in order.

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