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I am insecure or is something going on?


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I'm really hoping someone can make sense of this if I'm being paranoid or not, I'm at my wits end with the stress of it.

 

My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially". It's not been an easy year, we've had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes it feels like we're finally on track and then we're back to having issues.

 

Early on in the relationship I found him doing things on IG that I just don't find appropriate or respectful if you're not single, liking provocative photos and following so many half naked girls and screenshotting their bikini photos to use as he doesn't watch porn (not celebs or IG models, that wouldn't be as bad, but just normal girls). He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

 

He's become so protective of his phone, doesn't let it out his sight, takes it to the toilet and shower, has it facing down at all times when I'm around and even locks the screen and puts the phone down if I've walked back in the room or glanced in the screens direction.

 

I asked to use his phone to post a photo on his IG instead of mine and he put his password in where I couldn't see then hovered over me the whole time, but I did manage to catch a quick glimpse at his gallery, I noticed a few photos of his ex and a few selfies of him posing in the mirror, selfies that he's never sent to me...

 

He tells me he loves me, he's given me a key to his flat and I stay over a lot. He treats me to dinner and cinema etc, but I can't shake that something is going on. Maybe not full on physical cheating, but something, emotional/micro cheating perhaps and I feel sick with it.

 

**TLDR, boyfriend of a year has become very protective of his phone, doesn't let it leave his sight. Follows hundreds of half naked girls on IG, screenshots their bikini photos to "use" as he doesn't use porn. Won't open messages or scroll IG/FB in front of me.

 

 

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I jumping to conclusions?

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Bottom line: do you trust your boyfriend? Based on your description, I'm inclined to believe that your trust in him is shaken (completely understandable, seeing as how you have caught him in a lie regarding behavior he promised to stop). Trust is the foundation upon which all healthy relationships lie. Without it, the relationship begins to deteriorate and crumble away.

 

The best way to move forward, at this point, is to figure out if it is at all possible to rebuild your trust in the relationship, and if so, what exactly this will entail. If it means that your boyfriend's behavior must change, well, that is outside of your control. Your boyfriend is the only one who can change his behavior, and only if he wants to. You can certainly discuss this matter with him or even give him an ultimatum, but ultimately, it is his decision whether or not he will change.

 

If you come to the realization that your trust in the relationship cannot be rebuilt, it is best to walk away. A relationship without genuine trust will never be one that is healthy and satisfying.

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He's not going to stop.

 

Policing him or parenting him won't make him stop because he doesn't want to.

 

You could ask him to stop yet again but how well did that work out the past few times?

 

So, you have a decision to make. Presuming he will continue, do you want to be in this relationship?

 

If someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

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Has it really ever been without issues? Perhaps he hides things better, perhaps he's digging his heels in against your intrusions of his privacy. Unfortunately you've started a cat-and mouse game. You want to police his phone/social media and he wants it private.

 

It would be best if you reflected on this dynamic and think about why there are so many 'ups and downs" in such a short time. Have you considered that the lame social media pics he has you so over-focused on is merely the tip of the iceberg as far as issues?

My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially". It's not been an easy year, we've had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes it feels like we're finally on track and then we're back to having issues.

 

He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

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Bottom line: do you trust your boyfriend? Based on your description, I'm inclined to believe that your trust in him is shaken (completely understandable, seeing as how you have caught him in a lie.

I did absolutely trust him until I found out what he was doing and then lying about it. It's completely shaken my trust. I told him this and that it would take work on both our parts to rebuild the trust but all that's happened is he's still doing what he was, and possibly more that he's so secretive with his phone now. I can't stop thinking about what he could be up to I'm miserable with it. He finds it acceptable, and I find it disrespectful and hurtful so not sure how to fix that really

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Have you asked him why he's so protective with his phone?

 

Taking it to the bathroom him is a little much.

 

I've dated men that have done such things. I tried to write it off as innocuous. I was almost always mistaken.

I finally asked him last night why he always takes his phone everywhere with him and he just said "I don't know" and I didn't know what to say after that so nothing else was said. I don't know how to bring this all up without it seeming like I'm accusing him, it's just things I'm noticing that don't seem right. Maybe it is innocent?

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Has it really ever been without issues? Perhaps he hides things better, perhaps he's digging his heels in against your intrusions of his privacy. Unfortunately you've started a cat-and mouse game. You want to police his phone/social media and he wants it private.

 

It would be best if you reflected on this dynamic and think about why there are so many 'ups and downs" in such a short time. Have you considered that the lame social media pics he has you so over-focused on is merely the tip of the iceberg as far as issues?

 

I haven't snooped though his phone or anything, although the urge is there now! I found out because I had people message me asking if we were still together because they have friends in common and see he likes these photos.

 

It's not that I want to police it, I guess I just see it as disrespectful and hurtful and he continues to do it.

 

What do you mean by it's the tip of the iceberg? As in he's probably up to something, or that there's something else wrong in the relationship?

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He's not going to stop.

 

Policing him or parenting him won't make him stop because he doesn't want to.

 

You could ask him to stop yet again but how well did that work out the past few times?

 

So, you have a decision to make. Presuming he will continue, do you want to be in this relationship?

 

If someone has to "change" to be right for you, they're wrong for you.

 

I can't decide if I just need to accept it and drop it, or if it really is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship. I'm trying to rationalise it but it's just not sitting right with me- being so secretive with your phone, making sure I never see the screen, getting messages at midnight-2am... surely that would cause anyone concern?

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I can't decide if I just need to accept it and drop it, or if it really is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship. I'm trying to rationalise it but it's just not sitting right with me- being so secretive with your phone, making sure I never see the screen, getting messages at midnight-2am... surely that would cause anyone concern?

 

Only you can decide these things.

 

That's why I said you have a decision to make. Do you want to continue in this relationship knowing his behavior will not change?

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Do you want to continue in this relationship knowing his behavior will not change?

I honestly don't understand it though, I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel worried/upset/insecure with this behaviour. Surely people can change behaviour? I'm not asking him to compromise on his values and beliefs. Just stop disrespecting someone you're in a relationship with? Is that not reasonable?

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I honestly don't understand it though, I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel worried/upset/insecure with this behaviour. Surely people can change behaviour? I'm not asking him to compromise on his values and beliefs. Just stop disrespecting someone you're in a relationship with? Is that not reasonable?

 

He apparently does not agree.

 

You've tried asking and you've tried policing.

 

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

 

What is it about him that makes it worth all this worry and anxiety? Something besides "But I LOVE him!" or "But we've been together for X amount of time." There has to be better reasons than those, right?

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You're always at each other, you don't trust him, he tells you lies to appease you and he disrespects you by being an attention freak with chest shots likes he's single.

 

My question to you is: Why do you stay with him? Please tell yourself the truth there because anything other than that is you just fooling yourself. Loving someone when you're not being shown that you are valued (buying you dinner and chit is not showing you value) is not enough to make a relationship a happy one nor is it worth staying in.

 

To change his behaviour he has to want to. Apparently he doesn't want to so you either change yourself to accept his BS (hard to do when it concerns you so) or you leave him to it and find a guy that's not addicted to the attention he's obviously getting from his "bikini beauties."

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What is it about him that makes it worth all this worry and anxiety? Something besides "But I LOVE him!" or "But we've been together for X amount of time." There has to be better reasons than those, right?

 

Because then I think of the good things, he's given me keys to his flat, I can go over and stay whenever I want. I've met his family, he takes me on holidays, he agreed to go to couples councelling when I asked, he's still here even though it's been hard at times. Surely that means something and I'm just over reacting about the other stuff?

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I can't decide if I just need to accept it and drop it, or if it really is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship. I'm trying to rationalise it but it's just not sitting right with me- being so secretive with your phone, making sure I never see the screen, getting messages at midnight-2am... surely that would cause anyone concern?

 

I always put myself in the other persons place.

 

So, had he not appreciated your screen shots, selfies and excessive need for attention and you were sincere in wanting to instill the trust in your relationship. . or at least you say you did, would you carry on with your phone the way he does? Would you be shielding your screen in front of him, taking it to the bathroom, placing it face down and getting texts at 2 in the morning?

 

I would think not. I will assume that you value this relationship and without compromising yourself, you'd be able handle yourself in ways that didn't trigger your boyfriend. Especially in light of the previous circumstances.

 

I think the moral of this story is you need to be with someone who's values and respect for a relationship are in alignment with yours.

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You're always at each other, you don't trust him, he tells you lies to appease you and he disrespects you by being an attention freak with chest shots likes he's single.

 

My question to you is: Why do you stay with him? Please tell yourself the truth there because anything other than that is you just fooling yourself. Loving someone when you're not being shown that you are valued (buying you dinner and chit is not showing you value) is not enough to make a relationship a happy one nor is it worth staying in.

 

To change his behaviour he has to want to. Apparently he doesn't want to so you either change yourself to accept his BS (hard to do when it concerns you so) or you leave him to it and find a guy that's not addicted to the attention he's obviously getting from his "bikini beauties."

 

I haven't caught him talking to anyone it's just what I'm thinking based on the evidence but I could be jumping to conclusions. Maybe it's just harmless fun for him and doesn't see how much it's causing trust issues. Aren't all guys into instagram girls/Snapchat now anyway? It's like the modern porn.

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Aren't all guys into instagram girls/Snapchat now anyway? It's like the modern porn.

 

I am not apposed to porn or whatever means one person may prefer. But isn't that something he can do during his own private time?

 

I can only assume most people do, but it doesn't cause them to guard their phone like it's going to catch on fire.

 

I am going to take a chance and think there is some live time interaction going on. That's what he might be trying to manage.

 

And for me, that would be crossing the line.

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I would think not. I will assume that you value this relationship and without compromising yourself, you'd be able handle yourself in ways that didn't trigger your boyfriend. Especially in light of the previous circumstances.

 

Sorry I'm not sure I get what you mean by this?

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I am not apposed to porn or whatever means one person may prefer. But isn't that something he can do during his own private time?

 

I can only assume most people do, but it doesn't cause them to guard their phone like it's going to catch on fire.

 

I am going to take a chance and think there is some live time interaction going on. That's what he might be trying to manage.

 

And for me, that would be crossing the line.

 

Yeah I don't mind porn. I wouldn't mind really if I knew for a fact that he doesn't know any of these girls he follows and screenshots, but he must at least know of them as they're around the same area and we have a couple friends in common, and he follows literally hundreds and hundreds.

 

The interaction is what I'd say is crossing the line too, if he's sending them photos/vice versa.

 

I'm going to have to just ask him all this and get it out in the open

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Sorry I'm not sure I get what you mean by this?

Read it again,

If the roles were reversed, I doubt you'd be secretive about your phone, especially in light of the fact your boyfriend had expressed his dislike for your need to interact with half dressed people on the internet. You might not do the very thing that would make him uncomfortable. You would be sensitive and respectful to his feelings about this.

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I'm getting the feeling that you posted on here hoping we would all tell you yes, you are being insecure, that all guys are into Instagram girls and Snapchat and that it's just harmless fun for him. Giving you permission to stay in the relationship, somewhat.

 

But the truth is, it DOES bother you, doesn't it?

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I'm getting the feeling that you posted on here hoping we would all tell you yes, you are being insecure, that all guys are into Instagram girls and Snapchat and that it's just harmless fun for him. Giving you permission to stay in the relationship, somewhat.

 

But the truth is, it DOES bother you, doesn't it?

I didn't know if I was being unreasonable or over reacting so had to ask before I thought about bringing it up with him.

 

But yeah it does really bother me, it's completely broken my trust and shattered my self worth. I've never had this issue before in a relationship, where someone is really active on social media and uses it to look at girls all day, or being secretive with their phone.

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Read it again,

If the roles were reversed, I doubt you'd be secretive about your phone, especially in light of the fact your boyfriend had expressed his dislike for your need to interact with half dressed people on the internet. You might not do the very thing that would make him uncomfortable. You would be sensitive and respectful to his feelings about this.

No I wouldn't, I'd do anything to work on the relationship and talk everything through to see how we can fix it. Maybe that's why he's hiding his phone because he doesn't want to stop looking at girls

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I didn't know if I was being unreasonable or over reacting so had to ask before I thought about bringing it up with him.

 

But yeah it does really bother me, it's completely broken my trust and shattered my self worth. I've never had this issue before in a relationship, where someone is really active on social media and uses it to look at girls all day, or being secretive with their phone.

 

Then there you are. It doesn't matter if 1000 internet strangers tell you it's unreasonable of you, it does bother you. Your relationship should not inspire anxiety or stress. A love relationship should never include fear or mistrust.

 

So, let's say you have yet another conversation and he agrees yet again to stop. Will you promise to stop monitoring his phone use and habits and honestly let it go? Could you let it go?

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but he must at least know of them as they're around the same area and we have a couple friends in common, and he follows literally hundreds and hundreds.

 

This may not make you feel better, but in my time in this forum there have been countless posters with similar issues. I don't recall them getting any better. Either that or they never came back to update.

 

I think there might be an addictive quality to it. The high of that easy/access/instant/attention. Throw the sexual component into it, they have a hard time putting their phone down.

 

That might be why he's so determined to hide it, though not doing a very good job at it.

I could be wrong. . but it's very similar to others experiences.

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