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Ex broke into my house and stole things from my room, how do I proceed??


Qtip4free

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My emotionally and physically abusive ex, through extensive research I've personally diagnosed him with some sort of narcissism and psychopathy, decided it was time for the grand hoover a couple of months back.

 

 

Skip to the last paragraphs if this is too long of a read.

 

 

I moved out of our shared home last May. He came back into my life in October. My boundaries were good at first, then my emotional side took over, still slightly awake in the whole process, I decided to go along for the ride. He, of course, told me everything I wanted to hear, making huge promises of change, ahhhh why am I telling you. You know the cycle.

I ended it shortly after, and went no contact. (everyone recommends it and swears by it... I don't know if I completely agree after what happened next....)

So two weeks of me, leaving him in blocked, he decides to show up at my house late one Saturday evening. Just randomly, I checked my blocked messages and phone calls later, he had made none that day, not even a text saying he would stop by. He acts like everything is 'normal'. One of my room mates let him in, and he appears in the kitchen where I am sitting with two other friends. Doesn't even greet me, and eats his take away sushi on my kitchen counter (he had only bought sushi for himself, none the less) - in an awkward silence. Then proceeds to inform us he will go visit mutual aquantances that live a few houses down.

The next day, while I'm not home. He bursts into my house looking for me, my roommates are kinda like , she's not home. He didn't even ring the doorbell. Then when I come home the next morning. He has apparently snuck into my house again. (we used to leave our front door unlocked..) and left flowers on my bed. The next day, flowers outside my house. So I decide to go next door where he is crashing on the couch, to tell him this is not cool, and he can't continue doing this. I agree to meet him later in the week to talk.

We are over at my house the following Friday, with some mutual friends. At some point he disappeared. He went to sleep in my bed. (?!). He was not feeling well, he said. So I was like, fine. We had agreed to hang out that weekend, so I let it slip. He wakes up the next morning, says he's going out to get breakfast. Two hours later, he's still not back. I call him. He's at the neighbours house and just finished eating. I'm mad as hell. Refuse his invitation to hang out. He shows up at my door again later that night with ingredients to cook dinner. Stupidly, I let him in.

He spends the night. I tell him the next day that he can't come and sleep over anymore. I borrow his car that night to go to work, I call him in the morning after my shift to see where I should leave the keys. He tells me he'll stop by and collect them later. Leaving them outside was too risky apparently. Forgot to lock the house again. Suddenly I feel him crawling into my bed when he arrives back from his night shift at noon. Too tired to get into an argument, I stupidly let it slide. When we are both awake. We end up fighting again, as I am trying to reestablish my boundaries and he is, as usual, not respecting them. I tell him this is over.

 

Fast forward a couple of days. I found out he had recently cheated on me with a girl I was close friends with a couple of years ago. (the timing of when this happened, the conversations she screenshot to me, etc) I had asked him about it a couple weeks prior, he denied. Denied my intuition again, telling me he wanted me, wanted to marry me, have kids etc.(don't be too judgemental on me, I didn't believe him either..)

This was the drop that made my cup overflow. And I ended up doing something way out of my character, in a moment of utter insanity.

 

 

Sick of his endless lies, cheating, manipulation, abuse, and now stalking.

I go over to the neighbours house in rage, with a bottle in my hand. Throw it in the wall behind him. Four people were sitting there. I missed his ugly face. So I leave. Then on the way out. I break two of the windows to his car. (I finally gave him ammunition for calling me the crazy one..)

 

Anyways, I run back to my house, in total adrenaline and panic, and then guilt for what I had done. My friend who is visiting is about to leave for work, I was going to go with her. On our way out, I see him coming towards our front door. I manage to run to the basement. Scared as . He manages to push my friend away from the door. Screaming and yelling and punching the walls. He proceeds to go to my room, steal all my jewellery, my speaker, my old phone and some other less meaningful stuff.

This is more than 4 weeks ago.

 

I called the police, they didn't have the resources to stop by, I had to come to the station.

 

He should have just accepted two broken windows and we could've been over, but the fact that he broke into my house and stole my things after all the he has done, was the last straw. So I finally reported him for domestic violence. (also told them I broke his car windows)

 

Under the last month I've had no contact with him. He attempts to taint my name to whomever will listen, I refuse to hear their stories. And just reply believe what you want. The truth will always come out. He has been trying to blackmail me by being threatening

 

He recently told a mutual friend that he will give me my stuff back. (he Could easily leave them on my doorstep or give them to a mutual friend to bring to me). Yet he insists I come over (ohhh yeah, by the way, he decided to eventually move into a vacant room in the neighbouring house, even though he had other options..).

 

I have not given him a response. Neither have I given our mutual friend a reply. I do not know how to proceed.

Do I ask a third person to accompany me over to his house?

Do I ask a third person to stay with me and invite him to my door with my stuff?

Do I just continue my silence, and wait for the police (whom I have not heard back from in a month, they couldn't even give me a restraining order given the reason the case was under investigation) to finally do their job?

 

(I know he will be vile in his speech, I know he will accuse me of things I have not done, I know he will attempt to press every button he can, I know he will want me to pay a ridiculous amount of money for the broken car windows, without showing me the original receipt, I know he will threaten me by keeping my things hostage, he has got word of my police report so he will probably comment on this..)

 

I know the right thing is to pay him back for the windows, but fuuuuuck it. He freaking deserved it after three years dragging me through hell. I don't want to.

So I was thinking of telling him, if that is the case, to suck it up and pay for the windows out of his own pocket, as that will be cheaper for him than losing his job. (oh yeah, he's currently driving a truck without a valid license. His license was suspended a few months back after another low blood sugar incident - 3rd one in a year, third time I save his freaking life - that brought him to the hospital. Thinking I will sink so low as to blackmail him right back.

 

Anyways, I would like my things back. Especially my collection of jewelry from over the years. However, I am willing to let go, and also just receive the insurance money instead and replace some items.

 

So back to the point, how should I proceed from here?

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Get an alarm system, make out a police report of what was stolen and a restraining order. Were you arrested for vandalism? You are liable for the damages. Better get a good lawyer. Get help for whatever drug, drinking and/or anger problems you have. It will help your case when he sues you for damages.

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I have not given him a response. Neither have I given our mutual friend a reply. I do not know how to proceed.
Well, if it were me I'd want nothing to do with or the mutual friend. I'd consider the property to be gone for ever and I'd go see a lawyer to get a cease and desist letter served to him.

 

Stop all contact and stop diagnosing him. Instead get yourself into therapy to find out why you continued on with the likes of him to begin with, to carry on in the drama you carried on in. I'm sure he wasn't some outstanding citizen to begin with.

 

You tell him he can't sleep over anymore and then that very night you borrow his car? WT? You make a trip to go out of your way to throw a bottle at his head? You break windows? (wonder's if you see in yourself the p-poor citizen that is in you???) Girl get him out of your life for now and for ever and stop the merry go round so you can get off.

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You need a lawyer, OP. And yes, go to the police again. Light a fire under them, proverbially.

 

You are understandably upset, but you are becoming your own worst enemy by letting your emotions take over a guide you into making very poor choices. It would be wise to let the law take care of this now, as you don't really know what you are doing here.

 

Do not go to his house. Do not let him come to yours. Do not discuss him with anyone else. Do not talk to him directly. You don't want to give him any further ammo against you that could come back to bite you in a big way.

 

Are the things he has really important to you? If not, I would consider them a loss and let him keep them.

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Tell him to bring your things to the police station. GET A RESTRAINING ORDER RIGHT NOW.

honestly, i would also move because your roommates are crappy. They should have called the police or otherwise prevented him from going into your room.

get a PO Box to forward your mail to and instruct your roommates to send any future mail there and do not give them or him your address

 

BUT YOU NEED serious therapy because you could have been arrested for attempting to assault him. you are noooooo better

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Thank you for your reply.

As for the police, I've called them several times, sent them emails, got my lawyer to contact them, still nothing happens. As I mentioned in the text, they wouldn't give me a restraining order as they said they didn't want to inform him just yet that the case is under investigation. Frustrating as hell.

And I have been in therapy since July. I'm fully aware of my 'part'.

As for me breaking his windows, as I said, way out of my character. We lived together for almost three years, not once did I destroy anything of his, or physically attack him, other then once where I kicked him off me in self defence. Three years I took his , verbal, physical, financial and emotional abuse. And I did nothing. (tried to get him to see things from my perspective, of course. Of course I told him he was not allowed to touch me like that, of course I tried to show him love, understanding and compassion..) so that last act of mine, I know was incredibly stupid and I know that is the reaction he has been waiting for all those years, and I fed it to him in the end. Not trying to justify it at all, just trying to put things a bit in perspective.

And as for 'my part' in this relationship, I am fully aware of my childhood trauma resurfacing in this relationship, of my lack of boundaries (that were slowly pushed back, until they were gone), and all that other stuff one learns through this type of relationship dynamic, which only people who have experienced it will truly understand. And I have been working on this for years.

My question was not in regards to my 'mental health'.

 

Thank you for your replies.

I will not contact him, I will not attempt to get my things back from him, I will not let him into my house. I will not go to his house. I have not talked about him to anyone the past weeks. I don't read his blocked messages. I will be moving in three weeks, and he will not know where.

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You've arrived at that part of your life where your behavior is not what you expect of yourself. And you're blaming a not quite ex romantic partner for it.

 

Your job now is to retrieve your best behavior out of this mess. Curt all ties to this man, clean up your own act and gods sakes, lock your doors.

 

Live better, hang out with decent non-drama people.

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Sounds to me like you are both highly dysfunctional and feed off of each other's bad behavior.

 

Stating, that in 3 years of the relationship, you never threw a bottle at his head or broke out windows before, as some kind of achievement is laughable.

 

The police do, believe it ir not, have better things to do than to deal with this foolishness. letting him crawl in your bed because you 'forgot' to lock the door... AGAIN. seriously?

 

I highly doubt this is really over by a long shot. Because it won't be until you decide to grow up, stop the games, move away from him, get new friends...

 

If you were smart, you'd forget your stuff and get the hell out of this situation for good. And get some counseling to control your anger, especially, the physical violence aspect. Had you hit someone with the bottle, you would have gone to jail or worse.

 

Accept that it is actually quite believable for you to be the crazy one in this situation and get your act together. You cant change the past, but you can have a better future.

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You do not need a lawyer for reporting a crime. It sounds like you are fearful that you will get arrested. As you should be for vandalizing his car. He can file civil damages in addition to the criminal charges you should be facing. Did "your lawyer" inform you of that?

As for the police, got my lawyer to contact them, still nothing happens.

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Thank you for your replies.

I will not contact him, I will not attempt to get my things back from him, I will not let him into my house. I will not go to his house. I have not talked about him to anyone the past weeks. I don't read his blocked messages. I will be moving in three weeks, and he will not know where.

Well that ^^^ is everything that you should do but you haven't said that you will be getting the personal therapy you need to help to understand your own culpability in all of this. How you acted here is not acceptable and for you to go to the lengths you have indicates that you'd do well to fix that part of you before you date again so that you don't end up in the same type of relationship.

 

I say all that with your best interests in mind. It's hard to have a mirror held up to you but you should really take a look so you can see who you are.

 

Good luck.

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How to proceed... well, you have a choice.

 

You can either continue to engage with this joker on the merry-go-round, or you can decide that you want to concentrate on yourself, with the help of your therapist. You have a choice between high drama, and lots of it, to the point that you might even get arrested; OR let go of all of it, including your jewellery, to protect your self-esteem, self-respect and inner serenity.

 

Walking away from difficult situations whilst maintaining your dignity feels wonderful. If he wants to go around spreading rumours about you, or holding your personal possessions hostage - LET HIM! It's not your concern any more or, to put it another way - what other people think of you is none of your business.

 

The choice is yours.

 

I know which I'd do.

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