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Thread: This is a strange one

  1. #221
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Um, no.

    You were wise, prudent, and very human in not trusting her completely. Only a complete fool, in your shoes, would trust her "completely." Trust gets built, very slowly, over time. When humans do things to put a little ding in trust? It has to get rebuilt, the ding repaired, and mature, compassionate, genuinely invested humans understand this, allow space for that work.

    If I tell my girlfriend I'll take out the trash, but then I don't? And if this happens again and again? Well, it will take her a minute to "trust" that I will take out the trash when I say I will. She will be a bit on edge, about me and the trash. Because I love her, am committed to her, and because I posses the humility to call my own bs, I would be accepting, for a stretch, that she did not trust me "completely" on that front.

    Silly example used to make what I think is an important point: about connection, about compassion. This woman, your entanglement with her? It lacks all that, reduces all that to games, tests, ego trips. Your own ego, right now, is challenging you to stand down so you can get back in touch with your heart. If this interlude with this woman leads to that—to scraping away some of the corrosion so you can tap into what is genuine inside of you, and want that shared with someone? Well, that's the win.

    Congrats on the promotion, buddy. That's real stuff, right there, not fluff.
    I get it. I was skeptical and rightfully so. I’m just pissed at myself for stooping down to a level of spying on her social media. I did that when I was very young but I never even thought about it the first time, let alone for years.

  2. #222
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Calling her was the downfall, not looking at social media.
    Originally Posted by captaindrey
    I lost my cool by calling her.

  3. #223
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Calling her was the downfall, not looking at social media.
    Well there’s that too. The core though was that I snooped. Or you could say that the core was that I took her back. But it doesn’t excuse me loosing my cool and acting on impulse. I have done that, like I said when I was in my late teens and never after. It’s embarrassing.
    I honestly just wanted to talk and we did. No arguing or yelling, she explained and I understood. I should have just broken up with her but something was telling me that there is an explanation I can’t think of. It was either that or bottle it up inside, neither of which would be healthy. It wasn’t until the next day , she sent me a smiley face, I said hey let’s just be open and honest, she said that she’s not putting up with this,blocked me, unblocked me called me, insulted me and told me she’ll call the cops if I showed up at her place (I’ve never done that or wanted to), blocked me, the next morning sent me a very nice “I’ll always be here for you, and we should still do a photo shoot with your motorcycle” Good bye message and then blocked me again. I have no idea if I’m still blocked or not. A part of me is starting not to care while another part is wondering if she’ll reach out at one point. This is a mess. She sounds like a mess but she didn’t act like it when I’m around. She was very sweet and very convincing.

  4. #224
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    The woman is definitely a mess.

    Never contact her again, OP.

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  6. #225
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The woman is definitely a mess.

    Never contact her again, OP.
    I won’t. I’m a mess too. That was stalkerish behavior on my part.

  7. #226
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry, but it wasn't "stalkerish." Are you saying that you looked on your phone, to see if she was still following that guy? A little adolescent, sure, but of course this whole thing has always been pretty adolescent, so not exactly a departure from the norm. Were you showing a modicum of human insecurity—what you're calling stalkerish—to a remotely mature and stable human being that wouldn't trigger all the dramatics.

    If—and I admit I'm not sure you're ready for this—but if you cut contact with her, for real, for good, closing all doors to potential future contact, I suspect you will be shocked at how quickly you move on from all this, how quickly it will reformulate in your brain as, well, tangoing with a hot mess and getting your toes stepped on.

  8. #227
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry, but it wasn't "stalkerish." Are you saying that you looked on your phone, to see if she was still following that guy? A little adolescent, sure, but of course this whole thing has always been pretty adolescent, so not exactly a departure from the norm. Were you showing a modicum of human insecurity—what you're calling stalkerish—to a remotely mature and stable human being that wouldn't trigger all the dramatics.

    If—and I admit I'm not sure you're ready for this—but if you cut contact with her, for real, for good, closing all doors to potential future contact, I suspect you will be shocked at how quickly you move on from all this, how quickly it will reformulate in your brain as, well, tangoing with a hot mess and getting your toes stepped on.
    Thank you. This might sound strange but I always enjoy your input. I’m not ready. I know this because I still have her on my mind. The back and forth and the uncertainty. “I want real” to “I want to go to operas and fundraisers.” I like those things too. Definitely the ballet over an opera but either way I want something real. She told me she wants to be with me “because being fake is tiring.”
    I’m chatting with someone and it’s nice. I see a little bit of my wit coming out but it’s not the same.

  9. #228
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The thing about a statement like "being fake is tiring?" Well, the translation to that is basically: "I am fake and I hate myself." Plastic is plastic. Plastic that wants to be gold is even worse.

    I get it, don't get me wrong. It's a pretty intoxicating notion, that you can make a "fake" person "real," that you can be the thing that shows someone the way. But also? Yawn.

    For your sake—and this might take some work wrestling with your own ego—I hope you get to a point where what is exciting is someone who is real, knows it, and has known it for a long, long time before knowing you. No, you won't get the little hot sauce on the tip of the tongue that allows you to think, for a few moments, that you are the most authentic super stud to walk the earth, leading someone to the glories of what is "real." But what you'll get in exchange for giving up that little hit? Well, it's even better. It's real. An entirely different paradigm.

    Do you watch TV? It's a bit like only watching daytime soap operas, and then someone gives you a subscription to HBO. Whoa! The quality is just beyond, and it'll make you see those soaps for exactly what they are: cheap, dramatic fluff that makes a boring day less boring. They can be enjoyed, shamelessly, but to call them quality programming? It involves either ignorance or self-deception.

    You're not an ignorant dude, it's clear, so it's really up to you when you want to take the blinders off. The light will take a minute to adjust to, but only a minute.

  10. #229
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    She's used to men falling all over themselves for her because she's hot.

    Nice of her to use her looks to manipulate men.

    I can't see what's attractive about that. I mean, how much time can you spend looking at her?

  11. #230
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    She's used to men falling all over themselves for her because she's hot.

    Nice of her to use her looks to manipulate men.

    I can't see what's attractive about that. I mean, how much time can you spend looking at her?
    Thanks blue castle, and everyone.
    The last time I saw her I brought her a huge box of supplies. My state was going to get shut down at midnight and I wanted her to have the essentials so she could save a trip to the store in case this whole thing keeps getting worse. I went all out. Anything from laundry detergent to bubble bath soap to chocolates. It weighed so much I could barely carry it in.
    When I dropped it off that day we had dinner and just snuggled in bed. I didn’t even think about sex or staying. In fact I was ready to just drive down and leave. I didn’t want anything in return. She wanted me to stay for a little.
    I did fall for her looks but it turned out to be more for me. Like she sucked me in by telling me things I wanted to hear.
    I talked to a friend of mine who has his own practice in the field of psychology. He made a very good point I think- she wanted control. The second she felt vulnerable she felt like she’s losing it and pushed back by using insults and the games. She said something to me the day we saw each other- “now is the time you ask me to be your girlfriend.” She balled her eyes out and told me why she felt like she wanted to back off and the whole spiel about me having values money doesn’t buy.
    Then she just poof and disappeared again.
    You guys are right. I want to build something and not find it by luck. I want someone that can talk to me and share the real them and I can do the same. It was there in moments but only under the surface for her. I will move on from this.


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