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Thread: Breakup after 7 years on and off

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    7 years on and off
    The minute 'on and off' is used to describe a relationship, it becomes a case of 'better off OFF'.

    All adults being equal, he's responsible for healing his own darn self, and so are you.

    Head high, and move your focus FORward. You will thank yourself later.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by softbunny
    You mentioned people grow and move in different directions--I can understand that part for sure. The thing is though, we've consistently held very similar opinions of what we wanted in life. We've both wanted to move to the same places, visit the same parts of the world, and still enjoy similar things. We've always clicked and got along well; never really argued either except for whether or not the dog could sleep in the bed.
    Having common interests is good, but it's not enough when a relationship is also riddled with break-ups. There was clearly a strong emotional disconnect somewhere there, and it widened (for him, anyway) with the split.

    I think he does value you as a friend but knows he isn't committed to the same goals together anymore.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm not one to pull punches so here it goes as i see it. I hope you can understand that I say this without any enabling or codependent dialogue that will appease you but that straight forwardness is not said in unkindness and is said with your best interests in mind:
    The breakups before were initiated by me--most being from my insecurities and depression; the usual "he can do better than me". The last breakup I initiated I had felt unhappy in the relationship and broke up with him and dated a mutual friend of ours for one day before I didn't feel right.
    If he came here looking for advice I would have told him to stop taking you back and advised him to tell you to get the help you need for your depression that leads you to disposing of him ad nauseum.

    The two of you are nowhere near being good partners for anyone never mind one another so let him alone, Stop contact with one another so you can rehab from the addiction of this On/off merry go round you're both on. He should leave you alone and the two of you should work with a life coach or a therapist to get you ready to be in something committed with someone who is emotionally mature and healthy and only after you're indifferent to one another and you've both put each other in the past.

    Maybe he put up an emotional wall from it all?
    Ya think?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by softbunny
    Yes, I agree using a relationship to try to heal those things never works. This was something I resolved years ago. As I said, he even mentioned it during the breakup and he said he was so proud of me. These past few years we were together it wasn't from a place of looking to be fixed or helped--it was from a place of unconditional love.
    Unconditional love? Hardly. It was more like codependency and fear of the pain of withdrawl. He's codependent to the nth degree if he was foolish enough to keep giving you all those chances. Now he's drinking has become out of control so I also suspect that he has more issues than the dysfunctional relationship(s) he has had with you.

    Have you ever gotten professional help to guide you into figuring out why you were on and off with him and to take care of your depression and insecurities, anxieties in general? I see that you're looking into it now, however.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Both of you are all over the map. He's the one who said he didn't feel like he loved you anymore. Cut ties with him and no more birthday gifts.

    He said he felt unhappy, didn't feel anything for you anymore and he drinks. He told you he didn't know if you two had a future together. He has no interest talking to you yet initiates contact? Sever ties with him.

    Let him continue working on himself with his old friends and hobbies.

    There's no hope for a chance with him. That ship has sailed. Never bank on instability because instability always wins.

    In my experience, whenever there are too many red flags, issues and problems, the relationship was full of real deal breakers. It's time to move on. Tell him via text that it's time for both of you to permanently go your separate ways and really mean it. After that, go NC (no contact). If he's relentless, forewarn him that you will ignore, ghost, block and delete in that order.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by softbunny
    A little harsh don't you think? Yes, I'm aware I've hurt him and he's hurt me plenty of times, but we always worked through it and got over it. That's relationships you know? Not justifying anything bad that happened but we've been dating since we were teenagers and we're still growing up. Mistakes happen and he's told me time and time again that he trusts me.
    There is a point where "we always work things out" doesn't happen anymore. You feel the cycle is "i break up with him, he forgives me," When someone breaks the cycle of behavior/gets off the merry go round, its often shocking to the other person. Like the parent who always bails their child out financially and then says "no more" - instead of the child realizing its time to step up, they stomp their feet and have a tantrum because their parents are no longer participating in the dysfunction. Do you see where i am coming from? He decided he no longer was participating in the game of you straying from him or breaking up and being expected to just accept you back like nothing happened.

    let your no mean no, and your yes mean yes. If you mean to break up with someone do it, and don't look back. if you don't want to break up with someone, don't. But don't break up to run around with a friend and treat your boyfriend like a second rate and then when that goes south you beg for him back.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep in mind, there is no Nobel Prize or university degree awarded for making bad relationships 'work".
    Originally Posted by softbunny
    The best I can do right now is wish him the best and try to support him from a distance.

  9. #18
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    Do not support him from a distance -- break away completely. FOcus on your OWN self improvement and being responsible for your own baggage. He is not going to "heal from something that is getting in the way of him getting back together with you" -- he is going to heal so he can move on and find a better match for him.

  10. #19
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    You dated a mutual friend for one day??? Thatís not dating! Thatís called a hook up!
    And you felt bad about it and then checked in on your ex???

    Hopefully your ex blocks you sooner rather than later. He does deserve better than that. You were right all along to break up with him thinking that.

    Leave him alone!!!

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