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AlexIsok12

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Hey everyone,

 

I was hoping for some advice here. Typically, my ex and I get along, but every now and then, she turn pretty nasty.

 

We had agreed on certain things child support wise, I lost some hours at work, I asked her if it would be okay If I paid less, she told me that, wasn't a problem.

 

Then, she turns around and changes her mind, because she didn't agree how I was handling a situation with my son.

 

(I've had a really hard time with him not sneaking in bed with me, unfortunately I give in) I completely understand this, and honestly I am doing my best to work on it)

 

But, she sent me a pretty nasty text yelling at me, and that I will go back to paying the orginal amount.

 

Yes, I know I could get a lawyer, and all that.

But, that's a last resort.

 

How do I deal with her nasty text, and pretty much calling me a horrible parent.

 

I could ignore her, yes. But, when it comes to money, obviously I can't.

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Get the courts, your attorney or a mediator to re-evaluate the child support terms. Do not inflict ad hoc whims on your children. Focus on being a good father not being an antagonistic co-parent. Think of your child first not continuing to hash out rancor and fights. Both of you are harming the child with that.

I asked her if it would be okay If I paid less, she told me that, wasn't a problem. Then, she turns around and changes her mind
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Typically, I avoid any arguments with her, simply because I don't want it to affect my son.

 

If she says nasty things, I'll ignore it. I do everything in my power to assure it doesn't affect him, for me his the only thing that matters.

 

But, I have a different parenting style. And, she says I'm to nice but, I try to be a good daddy to him, but also his best friend.

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I am paying more than I should.

But, again never argued the facts.

 

I am a parent, and I do everything I should.

She seems like she likes to cause more havoc.

 

But, I just don't let her get to me. It's only when she does things like this, it bothers me.

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There isn't anything you can do legal wise. She's not breaking the law being angry at your parenting skills, so having a lawyer involved is a waste of your money and will aggravate the situation even more.

 

There is more to it than what you are seeing. Is it possible she didn't want to split up? It's possible she's frustrated at being a single parent...that it's getting to her. Is she struggling with a new bf? Does she have a mental illness of some kind like bi-polar? BPD? Depression?

 

The way I see it the complaints are about simple things that can be resolved, there must be something that is making her act this way that isn't what you see on the surface.

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I'm not sure honestly if she's dealing with anything. We didn't necessarily have the nicest divorce. I could say I made a huge mistake on my part. Her BF lives with her, and honestly I don't try to get involved with their issues.

I've stayed mostly single, I just can't find the right fit for my son, she's had several BF since.

 

I have always thought of her as bipolar, simply because of her insane mood changes.

 

Night/day kind of emotional. "Catch her on a good day, you have gold, catch her on a bad day you have coal"

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You are liable for whatever court ordered child support you have to pay regardless of what she says or agrees to. If you deviate from that, that can really become problematic for you. You would really do well to speak to an attorney about this simply to get educated about this subject so you don't end up neck deep in trouble with the law despite the best intentions from both, you and your ex-wife.

 

Other than that, if she is unstable as you describe, it would be best for you to stick to what is ordered, communicate strictly through parenting software and minimize it to pick up/drop off/activities scheduling. Stop trying to play friends and seek to establish a routine for maximum stability instead. In the end, that will benefit all of you more than the precarious skating on thin ice you are doing now.

 

This also goes for you in that you cannot ever develop any kind of a healthy relationship with a woman who is healthy would be good for you and your son when you are busy dancing around your ex's mood swings. Sane women will stay far away from this kind of a mess.

 

As counter intuitive as it may seem to you, creating very firm, clear boundaries will go a long way toward stability.

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As DF pointed out, you're liable regardless of what you and she agree to on the side. Back pay for child support is as easy as garnishing your wages, and it's just as easy to prove. It doesn't matter what arrangement you informally come up with. It's what's ruled that's legally enforceable. Circumventing the court ordered amount is about the dumbest thing you could do.

 

If you're paying more than you should or more than you can afford, you should file a motion to modify your obligations. States and localities are modernizing their standards, and it's in the child's interest to have a consistent quality of life between households (and for that matter, consistent parenting styles and rules). A good judge doesn't won't want junior going between mom's house and dad's rat-infested studio apartment. And besides that, in most states it's algorithmic, not subjective. A lawyer would be great, but you certainly don't need one to file the motion. Just some effort.

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Typically, I avoid any arguments with her, simply because I don't want it to affect my son.

 

If she says nasty things, I'll ignore it. I do everything in my power to assure it doesn't affect him, for me his the only thing that matters.

 

But, I have a different parenting style. And, she says I'm to nice but, I try to be a good daddy to him, but also his best friend.

 

I am paying more than I should.

But, again never argued the facts.

 

I am a parent, and I do everything I should.

She seems like she likes to cause more havoc.

 

But, I just don't let her get to me. It's only when she does things like this, it bothers me.

 

Why don't you just tell her that you know you made a mistake and that you will keep getting up and taking your son back to his own bed every-single-time and could she please reconsider the payment until you get your hours back? Swallow your pride and tell her what she wants to hear but really mean it. You MUST break your son of that habit in the first place never mind just to quiet down an irate ex spouse.

 

Also: I don't know about the rules in the States but here in Canada if your employment situation changes (either up or down) then the courts will adjust your payment accordingly.

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If you're paying more than you should or more than you can afford, ... file a motion to modify your obligations. ... A lawyer would be great, but you certainly don't need one to file the motion. Just some effort.

 

Why don't you just tell her that you know you made a mistake and that you will keep getting up and taking your son back to his own bed ... ?

 

Both of these ^^^. Manage the financial side of this like an adult rather than an irresponsible teenager so that you don't get in legal trouble. That's foreseeable--and avoidable. Just step up and file the papers for your change in earnings.

 

Manage the parenting by apologizing for an error that impacts your child's mother, because she's trying to bed train your child and you undid that, and now he expects the same treatment from her.

 

You can't control how SHE behaves, but you can manage your own side of the equation like a responsible adult.

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You'd had two agreements in place with her. You seem to be either re-nigging or renegotiating both.

 

I kinda get why she's disappointed. Not sure I agree with how she's handling it, but I am not there.

 

It's times like these, I always think, If you two could agree on things and work together, you likely wouldn't be divorced to begin with. Right?

 

To avoid any further unnecessary drama, stick to the terms that were agreed upon. That's why people hire 3rd parties to negotiate them for you. That way the expectations are clear and things don't get murky and start to go sideways. . .Much like happened here.

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Play by the books. Not only will it cut down on nonsense with the ex it will create more stability for the kids. never make visiting or money for kids and off the cuff thing. Structure is security for kids. When you create chaos (to rile up the ex or continue your war with her) it affects them.

 

Not being on the same page as far as parenting is a great way to confuse and screw up your kids .It's amazing how many people lets their egos and hatred for their exes supersede the emotional welfare of their kids. Stop making innocent kids the causalities of your tug-of-war. Take the high road and stop blaming the ex.

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I can't tell the electric company that i lost some hours at work. Its your job to fulfill your responsibilites. If you changed jobs and were still working full time, then i can see renegotiating but if they cut your hours - pack a lunch or bring your own coffee from home to work, wait tables, pick up some gig work or whatever so that you are not shortchanging your child.

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how old is the kid. if after a few nights of sending him back to bed, he keeps coming to your room, shut the door if he is really small and lock the door if he is bigger (6 or older). I am not a parent, so don't know if that is the right way or not, but you have to be firm.

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You could look into declaring bankruptcy. I'm pretty sure that lowers the amount owed depending on region.

 

Yeah, from your description of mood swings and multiple boyfriends in a relatively short time period. Sounds like BPD. That can be a hell of a personality disorder to deal with.

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ok. You have a few separate issues here.

 

1. the child support - that you need to work through the courts. And as others have said, its for your child, not her.

 

2. You need to get a backbone.

 

Remind her you are no longer married and that you are not going to tolerate being berated or verbally abused.

 

Remind her that until your son is 18, you must work together to co-parent for the benefit of your child, not each other.

 

I have found going into completely professional mode de-escalates things. If it doesn't, remove yourself from situation by saying something like, we can discuss this later. I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

 

3. You cannot be best friend and parent to a child. Be the parent and then when he is a man, you will be friends.

 

Something my mother always said when I was trying to mamipulate her (by guilting her) comes to mind... "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, I'M YOUR MOTHER! [emoji4]

 

I love her so much for being the strong, loving mother I needed. And now she truly is my best friend....

 

4. You need to set boundaries for your child. Children need tough love, guidance and support to help them make good decisions when you're not around.

 

You don't have to be mean to him about sleeping in your bed. Talk to him before bed. Explain to him, that big boys sleep in their own beds and that he is big boy, nothing bad is going to happen, if he stays in his bed. Explain, when he gets out of bed, for no reason, you don't like it because you're both big boys that sleep in your beds alone.

 

Children need things explained to them. And not in a scary way, but in a way that they understand. Daddy is a big boy, that sleeps alone in his bed. Doesnt he want to be a big boy? like Daddy?

 

If he comes to you that night, remind him that he is a big boy and take him back to his bed. Tuck him in. Remind him you love him and you'll see him in the morning.

 

You have to stay consistent. That is what children respond to. They can't comprehend variable scenarios.... And your ex wife, is probably trying to get you two both doing the same things....

 

Don't sacrifice raising a well adjusted, confident children, just so you can be "cool dad". That's not cool.

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ok. You have a few separate issues here.

 

1. the child support - that you need to work through the courts. And as others have said, its for your child, not her.

 

2. You need to get a backbone.

 

Remind her you are no longer married and that you are not going to tolerate being berated or verbally abused.

 

Remind her that until your son is 18, you must work together to co-parent for the benefit of your child, not each other.

 

I have found going into completely professional mode de-escalates things. If it doesn't, remove yourself from situation by saying something like, we can discuss this later. I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

 

3. You cannot be best friend and parent to a child. Be the parent and then when he is a man, you will be friends.

 

Something my mother always said when I was trying to mamipulate her (by guilting her) comes to mind... "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, I'M YOUR MOTHER! [emoji4]

 

I love her so much for being the strong, loving mother I needed. And now she truly is my best friend....

 

4. You need to set boundaries for your child. Children need tough love, guidance and support to help them make good decisions when you're not around.

 

You don't have to be mean to him about sleeping in your bed. Talk to him before bed. Explain to him, that big boys sleep in their own beds and that he is big boy, nothing bad is going to happen, if he stays in his bed. Explain, when he gets out of bed, for no reason, you don't like it because you're both big boys that sleep in your beds alone.

 

Children need things explained to them. And not in a scary way, but in a way that they understand. Daddy is a big boy, that sleeps alone in his bed. Doesnt he want to be a big boy? like Daddy?

 

If he comes to you that night, remind him that he is a big boy and take him back to his bed. Tuck him in. Remind him you love him and you'll see him in the morning.

 

You have to stay consistent. That is what children respond to. They can't comprehend variable scenarios.... And your ex wife, is probably trying to get you two both doing the same things....

 

Don't sacrifice raising a well adjusted, confident children, just so you can be "cool dad". That's not cool.

Worth repeating.

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My ex once tried to return my child support check because her bf asked her why she accepted it when I had my son for 6 weeks solid after a surgery. I will tell you what I told her "I have to pay you that amount until the court tells me different or until the terms of our decree are met" "If you chose to cash the check and give me some money back that is your choice"

I could just see her being nice right then and two years down the road calling the court and telling them I skipped a month. Be smart and get a side job or cut out some spending until you can get back to court to see if your child support can be reduced.

 

As far as how to deal with her goes you need to evaluate each issue as it comes up. If she is blowing off steam at you because her new bf ticked her off and she wants to take it out on everyone then listen politely and don't argue. Tell her you will definitely think about what she said and disarm the situation. If it is a text then just read it, save it and move on. No need to try and defend yourself because it is a no win situation.

 

You are your child's parent so stop trying to be a friend. There is plenty of time for that later when they reach adulthood. Parent now, friend later.

 

Each person has to find a balance in dealing with an ex that lashes out. You know her pretty well so figure out what will work. I recommend telling her all communication should be through email so there are no misunderstandings and it is easily documented to prevent any problems down the road. It worked for me for all the important stuff between my ex and I.

 

Lost

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