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Thread: Dealing with an ex-wife.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    If you're paying more than you should or more than you can afford, ... file a motion to modify your obligations. ... A lawyer would be great, but you certainly don't need one to file the motion. Just some effort.
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why don't you just tell her that you know you made a mistake and that you will keep getting up and taking your son back to his own bed ... ?
    Both of these ^^^. Manage the financial side of this like an adult rather than an irresponsible teenager so that you don't get in legal trouble. That's foreseeable--and avoidable. Just step up and file the papers for your change in earnings.

    Manage the parenting by apologizing for an error that impacts your child's mother, because she's trying to bed train your child and you undid that, and now he expects the same treatment from her.

    You can't control how SHE behaves, but you can manage your own side of the equation like a responsible adult.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You'd had two agreements in place with her. You seem to be either re-nigging or renegotiating both.

    I kinda get why she's disappointed. Not sure I agree with how she's handling it, but I am not there.

    It's times like these, I always think, If you two could agree on things and work together, you likely wouldn't be divorced to begin with. Right?

    To avoid any further unnecessary drama, stick to the terms that were agreed upon. That's why people hire 3rd parties to negotiate them for you. That way the expectations are clear and things don't get murky and start to go sideways. . .Much like happened here.

  3. #13
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    You need to pay whatever you are legally obligated to, OP.

    It isn't up to her to let you pay less. That is the court's decision.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Play by the books. Not only will it cut down on nonsense with the ex it will create more stability for the kids. never make visiting or money for kids and off the cuff thing. Structure is security for kids. When you create chaos (to rile up the ex or continue your war with her) it affects them.

    Not being on the same page as far as parenting is a great way to confuse and screw up your kids .It's amazing how many people lets their egos and hatred for their exes supersede the emotional welfare of their kids. Stop making innocent kids the causalities of your tug-of-war. Take the high road and stop blaming the ex.

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  6. #15
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    I can't tell the electric company that i lost some hours at work. Its your job to fulfill your responsibilites. If you changed jobs and were still working full time, then i can see renegotiating but if they cut your hours - pack a lunch or bring your own coffee from home to work, wait tables, pick up some gig work or whatever so that you are not shortchanging your child.

  7. #16
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    how old is the kid. if after a few nights of sending him back to bed, he keeps coming to your room, shut the door if he is really small and lock the door if he is bigger (6 or older). I am not a parent, so don't know if that is the right way or not, but you have to be firm.

  8. #17
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    You could look into declaring bankruptcy. I'm pretty sure that lowers the amount owed depending on region.

    Yeah, from your description of mood swings and multiple boyfriends in a relatively short time period. Sounds like BPD. That can be a hell of a personality disorder to deal with.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    ok. You have a few separate issues here.

    1. the child support - that you need to work through the courts. And as others have said, its for your child, not her.

    2. You need to get a backbone.

    Remind her you are no longer married and that you are not going to tolerate being berated or verbally abused.

    Remind her that until your son is 18, you must work together to co-parent for the benefit of your child, not each other.

    I have found going into completely professional mode de-escalates things. If it doesn't, remove yourself from situation by saying something like, we can discuss this later. I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

    3. You cannot be best friend and parent to a child. Be the parent and then when he is a man, you will be friends.

    Something my mother always said when I was trying to mamipulate her (by guilting her) comes to mind... "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, I'M YOUR MOTHER!

    I love her so much for being the strong, loving mother I needed. And now she truly is my best friend....

    4. You need to set boundaries for your child. Children need tough love, guidance and support to help them make good decisions when you're not around.

    You don't have to be mean to him about sleeping in your bed. Talk to him before bed. Explain to him, that big boys sleep in their own beds and that he is big boy, nothing bad is going to happen, if he stays in his bed. Explain, when he gets out of bed, for no reason, you don't like it because you're both big boys that sleep in your beds alone.

    Children need things explained to them. And not in a scary way, but in a way that they understand. Daddy is a big boy, that sleeps alone in his bed. Doesnt he want to be a big boy? like Daddy?

    If he comes to you that night, remind him that he is a big boy and take him back to his bed. Tuck him in. Remind him you love him and you'll see him in the morning.

    You have to stay consistent. That is what children respond to. They can't comprehend variable scenarios.... And your ex wife, is probably trying to get you two both doing the same things....

    Don't sacrifice raising a well adjusted, confident children, just so you can be "cool dad". That's not cool.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    ok. You have a few separate issues here.

    1. the child support - that you need to work through the courts. And as others have said, its for your child, not her.

    2. You need to get a backbone.

    Remind her you are no longer married and that you are not going to tolerate being berated or verbally abused.

    Remind her that until your son is 18, you must work together to co-parent for the benefit of your child, not each other.

    I have found going into completely professional mode de-escalates things. If it doesn't, remove yourself from situation by saying something like, we can discuss this later. I'm not going to listen to you insult me.

    3. You cannot be best friend and parent to a child. Be the parent and then when he is a man, you will be friends.

    Something my mother always said when I was trying to mamipulate her (by guilting her) comes to mind... "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, I'M YOUR MOTHER!

    I love her so much for being the strong, loving mother I needed. And now she truly is my best friend....

    4. You need to set boundaries for your child. Children need tough love, guidance and support to help them make good decisions when you're not around.

    You don't have to be mean to him about sleeping in your bed. Talk to him before bed. Explain to him, that big boys sleep in their own beds and that he is big boy, nothing bad is going to happen, if he stays in his bed. Explain, when he gets out of bed, for no reason, you don't like it because you're both big boys that sleep in your beds alone.

    Children need things explained to them. And not in a scary way, but in a way that they understand. Daddy is a big boy, that sleeps alone in his bed. Doesnt he want to be a big boy? like Daddy?

    If he comes to you that night, remind him that he is a big boy and take him back to his bed. Tuck him in. Remind him you love him and you'll see him in the morning.

    You have to stay consistent. That is what children respond to. They can't comprehend variable scenarios.... And your ex wife, is probably trying to get you two both doing the same things....

    Don't sacrifice raising a well adjusted, confident children, just so you can be "cool dad". That's not cool.
    Worth repeating.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    My ex once tried to return my child support check because her bf asked her why she accepted it when I had my son for 6 weeks solid after a surgery. I will tell you what I told her "I have to pay you that amount until the court tells me different or until the terms of our decree are met" "If you chose to cash the check and give me some money back that is your choice"
    I could just see her being nice right then and two years down the road calling the court and telling them I skipped a month. Be smart and get a side job or cut out some spending until you can get back to court to see if your child support can be reduced.

    As far as how to deal with her goes you need to evaluate each issue as it comes up. If she is blowing off steam at you because her new bf ticked her off and she wants to take it out on everyone then listen politely and don't argue. Tell her you will definitely think about what she said and disarm the situation. If it is a text then just read it, save it and move on. No need to try and defend yourself because it is a no win situation.

    You are your child's parent so stop trying to be a friend. There is plenty of time for that later when they reach adulthood. Parent now, friend later.

    Each person has to find a balance in dealing with an ex that lashes out. You know her pretty well so figure out what will work. I recommend telling her all communication should be through email so there are no misunderstandings and it is easily documented to prevent any problems down the road. It worked for me for all the important stuff between my ex and I.

    Lost

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