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Can you grieve a breakup while in a relationship?


Skeptic76

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If you're still grieving your past relationship, you aren't ready to be in a new one.

 

Eventually your residual feelings for your ex are going to interfere in a more significant way, as they're already starting to. Your girlfriend is going to notice that you're not all in with her and it will hurt her.

 

Do the kind thing and let your girlfriend go. She deserves to be with someone who isn't still pining after someone else, and you deserve the time and space to heal properly.

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You are putting emotional energy into thinking about your ex that rightly belongs to your current girlfriend. Unless and until you are over her you are completely cheating your current girlfriend out of having a boyfriend who is solely focused on her. It is very selfish behavior.

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Leapfrogging straight over to someone new can be a great distraction, but it positions you, eventually, to give the rebound speech, "You are such a terrific person, but I really should have taken the time after my breakup to stabilize and find myself..."

 

You can rebound if you want, it's not against the law. It also doesn't make you a villain as long as you've been honest with the new woman, who is equally responsible for looking out for herself and knew what she was walking into--kinda. Does she know that you're still thinking of your ex and miss her, or did you downplay the breakup and tell her that you're ready to roll?

 

You can split the difference and try to preserve future potential by telling the new woman, "I really like you and can picture us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. My timing is unfortunate, because I still have old ghosts that I need to reconcile before I'll feel healed and fully over my last relationship. I need a few months on my own to do that."

 

Then hear what she says. Her first reaction might be to blow you off, but let her talk through what she's feeling, and if she's open to the idea of reconnecting down the road, maybe you'll get to enjoy having something good with her. If not, then you've learned that having a relationship is more important to her than having a HEALTHY relationship.

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Do I understand correctly that you believe I am not treating my girlfriend considerately? I get your point that I’m emotionally cheating on her, however I don’t see how it is MANIFEST. I am not in romantic contact with any other woman, our sex life is healthy, we don’t fight. She tells me daily how happy she is and how much she loves me. I’m quite happy with her as well. With this in mind it’s hard for me to envision how dumping her is going to improve her life.

 

If I took your advice and called her right now and told her I was ending our relationship, she would be absolutely shocked. What would your advice be on what exactly to tell her?

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I will give this a couple days to think about before I decide anything about the advice I’ve received, but honestly my gut reaction is to not end a good thing with my girlfriend.

 

That said, if everyone unanimously agrees that I’m delusional and this isn’t a good thing I’ve got going, then I clearly need to step back and give that some real thought.

 

Either way I’m good at keeping people posted. If I break up with her I’ll tell you how it goes. If we stay together and break up some time later I am willing to share openly about that - I’ve always been good about swallowing my pride and giving people their “you were right” moment, lol.

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Agree. You are single and it's fine to date again. A lot of people pass on break up pain by doing to someone what was done to them. Why spread pain? Why end it with someone when that someone is not even the reason? If it doesn't work out because of her, then let it go. But ending it because of your past seems silly.

 

If you are happy and she is happy take your time and enjoy it. You don't have to be a monk until a specific time that is not considered "rebound", nor do you have to be professionally certified as "no longer on the rebound". Everyone has a past. Everyone has memories.

my gut reaction is to not end a good thing with my girlfriend.
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Interesting question.

 

I'll answer first in the abstract. There is a degree to which it is inevitable that new romance will stir thoughts and feelings about past romances. Is that some leftover grief that needs grieving? Perhaps. But I'd say that for a new relationship to be authentic, and to be able to grow and deepen authentically, these moments are fleeting, rather than frequent, and don't delver much of a jolt to the emotional equilibrium. They are processed with a kind of shrug, you could say, rather than infused with meaning and power that consumes.

 

Addressing you specifically? I think you just need to be honest with yourself about whether this is the way you want to feel inside a relationship, both in general and in this one. Are you as present, in your own head and heart, as you'd like to be and believe yourself capable of being? Are you finding that thoughts of your ex are becoming more consuming as you become more invested in this? If so, that's generally a pretty good sign that, on some level, you want this present relationship to "snuff out" the past, to do some of the work that only time can do. Not an ideal foundation to connection to a new human being.

 

Not saying that's you, since you know yourself better than I do. In your shoes, I would observe these thoughts and feelings, as you are, without reacting right away. No adult meets another adult completely cleansed from the past, but neither should new people be seen as erasers of old people. So if you find these thoughts are gaining traction in your mind, rather than dissolving—well, be honest about that.

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I will give this a couple days to think about before I decide anything about the advice I’ve received, but honestly my gut reaction is to not end a good thing with my girlfriend.

 

That said, if everyone unanimously agrees that I’m delusional and this isn’t a good thing I’ve got going, then I clearly need to step back and give that some real thought.

 

Either way I’m good at keeping people posted. If I break up with her I’ll tell you how it goes. If we stay together and break up some time later I am willing to share openly about that - I’ve always been good about swallowing my pride and giving people their “you were right” moment, lol.

 

I think you know yourself and how you really feel better than any random stranger online. Can some people mourn the loss and also move on and be fully present in a new relationship? Sure. Is that you? I don't know.

 

Speaking in very general terms, it's normal to think about your ex. The real question is how much does it consume you, your emotions, etc. Is the love for your ex and the sense of loss cooling down and diminishing or glowing bright and painful. Do you find yourself comparing and contrasting your current relationship with your ex? Are you using this present relationship as a salve for the pain of loss, as jumping into what's comfortable and familiar which is being with someone to avoid what's uncomfortable - being alone. Only you can answer these questions and figure out how detrimental the answers are or not. I think most important question is do you feel a growing emotional connection and love for this new lady, a desire to give to her as generously as you are getting, or are you just enjoying what she is giving you - affirmation, love, attention, companionship, aka salve for your wounds. Be honest with yourself.

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Interesting question.

 

I'll answer first in the abstract. There is a degree to which it is inevitable that new romance will stir thoughts and feelings about past romances. Is that some leftover grief that needs grieving? Perhaps. But I'd say that for a new relationship to be authentic, and to be able to grow and deepen authentically, these moments are fleeting, rather than frequent, and don't delver much of a jolt to the emotional equilibrium. They are processed with a kind of shrug, you could say, rather than infused with meaning and power that consumes.

 

Addressing you specifically? I think you just need to be honest with yourself about whether this is the way you want to feel inside a relationship, both in general and in this one. Are you as present, in your own head and heart, as you'd like to be and believe yourself capable of being? Are you finding that thoughts of your ex are becoming more consuming as you become more invested in this? If so, that's generally a pretty good sign that, on some level, you want this present relationship to "snuff out" the past, to do some of the work that only time can do. Not an ideal foundation to connection to a new human being.

 

Not saying that's you, since you know yourself better than I do. In your shoes, I would observe these thoughts and feelings, as you are, without reacting right away. No adult meets another adult completely cleansed from the past, but neither should new people be seen as erasers of old people. So if you find these thoughts are gaining traction in your mind, rather than dissolving—well, be honest about that.

 

First paragraph: I believe “fleeting shrugs/tender smiles” have been the rule, however if I’m honest I must admit that yesterday I had a grieving day and that’s what prompted me to post. A good nights sleep And some enotalone food for thought seems to have done a good job rebooting though?

 

 

 

Second paragraph: In my heart of hearts I do not believe that I am “fixing” with my girlfriend. That said I have been blind to myself in the past and it’s a legitimate question you raise in general and particularly in my case. It’s one of the reasons I like to check in regularly with internet strangers haha.

 

Third paragraph: mindfulness changed my life deeply and profoundly; as usual your sharing is on point.

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I’m happy in my relationship (almost four months in) but I met her only a couple of months after breaking up with someone who I loved deeply. I think about my ex frequently and it still hurts sometimes.

 

And this is a prime example of why you shouldn't try to get over someone by getting with someone else. You are "happy in your relationship" because she is a source of comfort and she is helping you to go through the withdrawl pains you are feeling from having to go cold turkey from the girl you "loved deeply."

 

I am concerned that you are not emotionally mature enough to be single and process your last relationship to the point that you are actually open in heart and mind to give yourself completely to someone new. You don't say you love the girl you are currently with, just that you are "happy." I say you're more relieved of your grief somewhat more than you are "happy." Any truth to that?

 

Have you give any thought to how your current "comfort" is going to feel when you get your mojo back and you don't need her, that "comfort" isn't enough and you want out? (that is what likely, more than not, will happen).

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Because romantic love is sharing the innermost recesses of your heart, mind, soul and body with another person and having them do the same in return, you need to have the space available in those areas of your life in order to do so. If those spaces are still inordinately filled with thoughts and feelings for someone from your past, then there simply isn't enough space for someone new to fit there.

 

But there will be if you're willing to give yourself time. Time to take stock in yourself, your feelings and your readiness to give of yourself in a manner that will make that love possible. Allow yourself that time so you can be ready to move forward when the right time, place and person do come along. Then you will have the created the space you need to allow someone new into your life.

 

Time and space. When the two are in alignment, great gifts become available to you. Allow yourself the ability to gather these gifts. That's the time and space you are in now, I'd posit. At least that's how it sounds to me, for what it's worth.

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Your focus on kindness is appreciated! However, I’m not sure I understand how my thoughts about my ex are interfering with my current relationship?

 

Because you can't be fully emotionally present with you current girlfriend while you are mourning your ex.

 

And sooner or later, it will put strain on your relationship. You're already here writing about it. It's obviously on your mind enough to seek advice from the internet. It bothers you enough that you have "grieving" days. It's going to be pretty hard to invest yourself in anyone else when you still sometimes need a day or two to miss your ex, OP.

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Yes, most definitely.

 

There is grief post breakup with relationships and friendships because you remember the good times and that part hurts.

 

Then reality sets in and you vividly remember personality and character differences, different values and incompatibility which caused the relationship (or friendship) to sour. Once you remember the logic behind the breakup, grief turns into relief and "good riddance!"

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I agree with what everyone has shared.

At the same time I don't necessarily believe that it's black and white.

 

Ideally, you take that time to grieve, become whole again and then you take your show on the road because you have something offer someone and you are 100% present and not distracted by the past.

 

I can't say for sure in your case. You are here asking after all, so it must be a problem. Though not advised, I think people can sometimes compartmentalize things. You grieve the past and move forward with the future, at the same, overlapping if you will. Not ideal, but it happens all the time.

 

Just get clear with yourself that you are doing this from a respectful place. That you are honoring the new person in every way possible. If you are honest and sense that this person is just a salve to sooth the hurt, that you don't intend on seeing it through or don't share the same feelings, then the respectful thing to do is to end it.

 

I am going to guess she is aware of your relationship history and if she's smart she knows you may not have been entirely available and ready. That makes her a responsible party in this as well.

 

Does it call for blowing it up and walking away? Only you will know.

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That said, if everyone unanimously agrees that I’m delusional and this isn’t a good thing I’ve got going, then I clearly need to step back and give that some real thought.

 

No, your'e not delusional. Rebounding feels FABulous. And effortless. And that's why it's the rarest of human beings who can adopt the foresight to preserve future potential rather than jump straight onto that roller coaster and ride it fast.

 

As a former leapfrogger, I can only speak for myself. New is fun. It's seductive. It's the best distraction from grief that anyone can hope for. Until it turns boring. Or annoying. Or it otherwise highlights all of the limitations of coupledom that I had been sweeping under the rug in favor of habit. Eventually, New became not-so-new, and it interfered with my ability to reconcile never having explored life on my own terms--solo. Or my ex picked that time to rear up and want to reconcile. Or my fantasies of that happening got in my way, along with all of the other possibilities that I never got to explore because I never took the time between committed relationships to get my bearings and grow into someone brave enough for exploration.

 

Who knows? Maybe you'll beat the odds and find an everlasting contentment--nobody here can tell you otherwise. I can only suggest researching 'relationship rebounding' and learn how much of it YOU believe might apply to you.

 

It also might be helpful to consider who initiated your breakup, and why?

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After my marriage ended I took a conscious and deliberate year off of all dating, I do comprehend what everyone is saying about the value of not dating for whatever their idea of sufficient time to heal is.

 

Anyway - I think what you’re saying is that I AM delusional, for believing that my relationship is as good as it currently feels, yes? I can totally see where the doom and gloom folks are coming from and I will say that you may be right. I don’t agree with you, but I was wrong several times today already, haha! Could be wrong about this too, it’s possible. It could be that I should call my girlfriend and break up with her this very instant...but I’m just not convinced in the least that it would benefit her or myself. We travel well together, we have conversational and sexual chemistry, our friends and family all get along and like the match, there is mutual trust and candor. She’s gorgeous, smart, creative and funny. Just can’t see walking away from this because a good deal of enotalone doesn’t approve.

 

If you search my previous posts you can read more about why I initiated the breakup with my ex.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone! I will commit to check in every couple months for the remainder of the year if anyone cares to follow my decision; or if we end up in a a breakup I will let you guys know and answer all questions with as much sincerity and openness as I am capable of.

 

🙏🏻

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P.S.

 

I don’t mean to devalue the advice of anybody who disagrees with me - on the contrary! Every last post, without exception, has helped me to see from another angle...given me a slight perception shift and/or food for thought to elucidate my mind. I appreciate all of your time and effort, truly!

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there is mutual trust and candor. She’s gorgeous, smart, creative and funny.

 

And yet - she doesn't know you're grieving your ex, does she?

 

I don't mean to pile on. Sincerely. But I think it's ironic to speak to trust and candor when I'm guessing she doesn't realize how you feel about your ex. You might want to reflect on just how far that emotional trust between you two actually runs, rather than just how far she thinks it runs.

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And yet - she doesn't know you're grieving your ex, does she?

 

I don't mean to pile on. Sincerely. But I think it's ironic to speak to trust and candor when I'm guessing she doesn't realize how you feel about your ex. You might want to reflect on just how far that emotional trust between you two actually runs, rather than just how far she thinks it runs.

 

Yes. You are guessing. And maybe you don’t mean to pile on but you strike me as somebody who feels a strong need to be right.

 

My ex contacted me fairly recently (probably the reason for thoughts of her cropping up?) to talk about meeting up with our kids and the possibility of us being friends. I told my girlfriend about the exchange and asked her what she thought about it. She had many questions, and we discussed them together. After our talk she told me that as a parent herself, she is supportive of us getting together. When I told my ex that my girlfriend was cool with us reconnecting with our kids she seemed genuinely happy. We were together for a huge, formative chunk of these littles’ lives, after all

 

I can look anybody in the eye, including my reflection in the mirror, and say that I am transparent and open with my girlfriend. Once again you are entitled to disagree, but luckily it is not you I am dating. You don’t know me, so it’s understandable that you could assume that I’m some sort of lecherous manipulator, using an innocent or foolish woman as a balm for my unrequited past love...but I assure you that isn’t how I see it and you will not convince me otherwise.

 

You might want to reflect on making assumptions and how that affects your ability to be helpful, which is what I do believe your post was ultimately aiming for.

 

Goodnight, madam.

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