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Unhappy


Dodo

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I’m not asking for advice really. I don’t think there is any advice anyone could give me and if I’m being completely honest I doubt I would take any advice offered to me anyway. I’m just here to vent really because I have no to talk to.

 

I found enotalone 12 years ago when I was feeling lost and heartbroken. I’ve been on a downwards spiral since then. Cutting people out of my life to the point that now I only speak to my family. I don’t have a job and can’t see how I ever will. I feel pathetic and worthless. I’m unhappy. I feel like every part of my life (friendships, relationships, career) are non existent and I feel too weak to change it, I don’t know where to start.

 

I wish I knew how to get out of this rut and become the person I’d like to be.

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Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

 

Are you receiving any sort of professional help? It sounds as though you're suffering from deep and prolonged depression, based on the snapshot of your life you provided here. Are you currently living with family as well?

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Thank you for your response.

 

I live with my mother. I am not receiving any sort of professional help. I spoke to my doctor about 10 years ago about feeling unhappy and like I had no purpose. I was really difficult for me to admit and ask for help. He suggested I joined a youth club or volunteer. I didn’t feel that was particularly helpful and didn’t know where else to go for help. Since then I have been ignoring how I’ve been feeling and trying to carry on as if I am normal. At the moment I am struggling to do that but I expect in a few weeks I will go back to pretending I am ok and not change anything about my life even though I should

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Thank you for your response.

 

I live with my mother. I am not receiving any sort of professional help. I spoke to my doctor about 10 years ago about feeling unhappy and like I had no purpose. I was really difficult for me to admit and ask for help. He suggested I joined a youth club or volunteer. I didn’t feel that was particularly helpful and didn’t know where else to go for help. Since then I have been ignoring how I’ve been feeling and trying to carry on as if I am normal. At the moment I am struggling to do that but I expect in a few weeks I will go back to pretending I am ok and not change anything about my life even though I should

 

Why would you rather pretend and stay miserable than go get the help you need and work on fixing and making your life what you would like it to be?

 

Go to the doctor and tell the truth - that you have had a crippling case of depression for the past decade. Don't try to gloss over it or minimize it as "unhappy" because that's like saying your broken leg is just a little sprain.

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Ah thank you all for your replies.

 

I am a very private person, I keep my thoughts to myself and find it very difficult to open up. I really am trying here even though it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

What stops me from going to the doctor is fear. Although I am unhappy with my life, I know it. It is difficult to explain, I want change but I am also terrified of it. And to be honest I don’t see what a doctor can do to help, it isn’t going to magically change my life and give me a job, friends and a relationship... but maybe that’s just part of being depressed that makes me think that way?

 

I’m sorry if I am being incredibly frustrating not listening to your advice.

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Ah thank you all for your replies.

 

I am a very private person, I keep my thoughts to myself and find it very difficult to open up. I really am trying here even though it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

What stops me from going to the doctor is fear. Although I am unhappy with my life, I know it. It is difficult to explain, I want change but I am also terrified of it. And to be honest I don’t see what a doctor can do to help, it isn’t going to magically change my life and give me a job, friends and a relationship... but maybe that’s just part of being depressed that makes me think that way?

 

I’m sorry if I am being incredibly frustrating not listening to your advice.

 

Right, but what is it you fear exactly?

 

You are correct that depression leaves you feeling the way you are. Everything is a chore, everything is pointless, nothing could possibly work. That's the definition of severe depression - this incredible lassitude and helplessness you are feeling. Some rational part of you wants to do things, but then....you just want to fall back and do nothing.

 

Doctors can actually do a whole lot about that. It's one of those things that are highly fixable, manageable, etc. Since there are multiple causes, first the doctors will rule out physical things by doing blood work, checking thyroid/hormonal dysfunctions, if all well there, they'll refer you to a psychiatrist, who may determine that you need meds or therapy or both. Either way, once the core problem is identified, it can and will get fixed.

 

As for talking to strangers or having trouble opening up, you actually don't need to. What I mean is write down your problems - for the past 10 years I've had no energy, can't do this or that, feel this way, etc. Make a whole list. Make an appointment and just let the doctor read over the list. No effort required on your part really. If you think you will skip the appointment, ask your parents to take you. When you have a broken leg, use crutches. Be practical.

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And the job thing. I have next to no work experience, it is my own fault I know that, but it is very difficult to explain to potential employers. It is the thing that causes me the most embarrassment.

 

Do you have a degree? Have you considered volunteering somewhere, and you could possible be offered a position through volunteering.

 

I suggest that you try to make some positive changes, by starting with a therapist to deal with your depression.

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Right, but what is it you fear exactly?

 

You are correct that depression leaves you feeling the way you are. Everything is a chore, everything is pointless, nothing could possibly work. That's the definition of severe depression - this incredible lassitude and helplessness you are feeling. Some rational part of you wants to do things, but then....you just want to fall back and do nothing.

 

Doctors can actually do a whole lot about that. It's one of those things that are highly fixable, manageable, etc. Since there are multiple causes, first the doctors will rule out physical things by doing blood work, checking thyroid/hormonal dysfunctions, if all well there, they'll refer you to a psychiatrist, who may determine that you need meds or therapy or both. Either way, once the core problem is identified, it can and will get fixed.

 

As for talking to strangers or having trouble opening up, you actually don't need to. What I mean is write down your problems - for the past 10 years I've had no energy, can't do this or that, feel this way, etc. Make a whole list. Make an appointment and just let the doctor read over the list. No effort required on your part really. If you think you will skip the appointment, ask your parents to take you. When you have a broken leg, use crutches. Be practical.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, you are making me think about things so thank you.

 

I don’t know what I fear exactly. I’m deeply embarrassed to admit my life is this pathetic, I don’t want anyone to know so telling a doctor or anyone else is something I’d rather not do. Although, yes, I do see that it may be needed. Trying it out here anonymously is a starting point!

 

When I went to the doctor years ago I had blood tests done. The doctor phone me later to tell me I didn’t have thyroid problems so I didn’t need another appointment. No referral to a psychiatrist or anything else. I suppose I’m trying to explain that when I worked up the courage to ask for help I felt like I was dismissed and so it has left me more reluctant to try to ask for help now.

 

Your last line actually made me laugh. Last year when I had a broken foot I didn’t get it checked out for 10 days. I didn’t think it was anything bad so keep putting off going to the hospital. It shows it’s not just mental health things that cause me to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok!

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Do you have a degree? Have you considered volunteering somewhere, and you could possible be offered a position through volunteering.

 

I suggest that you try to make some positive changes, by starting with a therapist to deal with your depression.

 

No, no degree unfortunately. I have considered distance learning to do a degree, maybe I should look into it more.

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Ah thank you all for your replies.

 

I am a very private person, I keep my thoughts to myself and find it very difficult to open up. I really am trying here even though it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

What stops me from going to the doctor is fear. Although I am unhappy with my life, I know it. It is difficult to explain, I want change but I am also terrified of it. And to be honest I don’t see what a doctor can do to help, it isn’t going to magically change my life and give me a job, friends and a relationship... but maybe that’s just part of being depressed that makes me think that way?

 

I’m sorry if I am being incredibly frustrating not listening to your advice.

 

No, it won’t magically give you what you want overnight, but it is the first and most important step to getting there. The way to resolve problems in life, especially ones that seem large and discouraging, is to break them down into small, manageable pieces and handle them one at a time.

 

In this way you begin to put one foot in front of the other towards reaching your desired results. The doctor can give you the guidance you need and get you going in the right direction. You then continue putting one foot in front of the other, one small piece at a time and before you know it, you’re up and running.

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Look, what you are doing now is not working and has not been working for ten years and is only getting worse. If you feel dismissed by your doctor, go to a different one and discuss that you have barely been able to function for ten years and you need help, real help, not just indifference. If you refuse to even try it, you will spend the rest of your life like this because nothing you are doing is improving anything.

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I appreciate you taking the time to respond, you are making me think about things so thank you.

 

I don’t know what I fear exactly. I’m deeply embarrassed to admit my life is this pathetic, I don’t want anyone to know so telling a doctor or anyone else is something I’d rather not do. Although, yes, I do see that it may be needed. Trying it out here anonymously is a starting point!

 

When I went to the doctor years ago I had blood tests done. The doctor phone me later to tell me I didn’t have thyroid problems so I didn’t need another appointment. No referral to a psychiatrist or anything else. I suppose I’m trying to explain that when I worked up the courage to ask for help I felt like I was dismissed and so it has left me more reluctant to try to ask for help now.

 

Your last line actually made me laugh. Last year when I had a broken foot I didn’t get it checked out for 10 days. I didn’t think it was anything bad so keep putting off going to the hospital. It shows it’s not just mental health things that cause me to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok!

 

I mean you are doing a good job sharing here and articulating just how bad things are. So definitely a good start and something you need to give yourself credit for. Consider also, that speaking to medical professionals is very similar - sure you have a live person in front of you, but they are also a neutral person whose job it is to help you get better. So they approach it from that kind of a clinical perspective. They aren't there to judge you as a person but rather to apply their professional knowledge to help you get better. It's kind of as arms length as it is here in a way. Quite neutral. Like when you tell a doctor "I've been feeling without energy this long", their first thought is "could be x, y, or z I need to send him to following tests." They don't judge you, they jump straight to potential problems and how to identify the right one.

 

As for going to that one doctor one time way back then. Could be he was a lazy doctor - that happens. Could also be that your issues didn't come across as dire and more just general unhappiness, lack of direction, so he just gave you some generic advice on how to improve your life, but didn't realize that you were already past taking that advice and doing it. That's why I suggest that you write down a full list of all your issues and challenges and hand it over so the message is more clear to the doctor, especially if you might get tongue tied and not speak up in person or try to gloss over and minimize things because you are uncomfortable with sharing them. Reduce the risk of that by simply removing that pressure from yourself completely by giving a written list of everything.

 

What you describe with the injury, I mean that's pretty typical. Depression can have that affect over every single aspect of your life. Getting rid of it is a lot like moving a boulder - the hardest part is pushing the thing into motion and the greatest temptation is to try a little and then give up and stick your head back in the sand. However, when you have a support team, if you will, of doctors, therapists, yelling, cheering, and pushing you to keep going, then giving up becomes harder and laying into that boulder and giving it your all until the @#$@$! thing finally moves is easier. It's why even the most elite athletes have coaches - it might be your passion, but you aren't going to get up for practice at 5am every single morning unless you know your coach will pretty much kill you for being late. There is no shame in having a team around you to support your goals and to help you push through. Complete self motivation is a myth. Most of us are motivated by external forces - trainers, coaches, teachers, family, friends, doctors, therapists, etc, etc, etc, etc. It's really a long list that's custom fitted to each individual. Nobody lives in a bubble of just self.

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So, I'm glad you turned to us for some feedback. That's a baby step in the right direction. Getting different perspectives is very helpful but to implement change...well, that's up to you, Dudo. We are responsible for our happiness. Change is hard for most people, I assure you. There must be some way to visit a therapist. You need to give them credit for helping people. It's their mission. Please, see if you can find one. That, in of itself, will help you start your journey for recovery. Surely, there must be some therapists in the UK.

 

I also believe that judging the lack of help that you received from a doctor 10 years ago is not fair. I don't care what anyone says but I am of the opinion that we are all fearful of something, albeit, some more than others. If you truly want to improve yourself you cannot wallow in this state of existence. YOU must take responsibility to seek help or you will continue in this severely depressed state. Why on earth would you want to do that to yourself??? Yes, you said fear but, like I just mentioned, we are all afraid of something. I, too, am a very private person so I get it. I am recently divorced after a 29 year marriage. How do you think I feel? I have two choices: either wallow in self-pity (or whatever else you want to call it) OR do something about my pain/heartache. I chose the latter.

 

Perhaps you should focus on the good that you have in your life, like your mum, your health, your very existence,etc. That's what I did. You matter! I focused on all the good things in my life. Dig deep. I know there are good things in your life. Keep your head high, know that there are many fearful people (whether they want to admit it or not). Stay strong. I know you can do it. You've lived in misery too long. Time to change that and YOU have that power!!! Think about it, OK?

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I have been where you are. I was deeply depressed.

I had a traumatic childhood, me ex cheated on me, my Sister committed suicide, I could go on & on.

It was a struggle to get out of bed, I just wanted to lock myself away & sleep. I pushed family & friends away.

I found an amazing lady Dr who listened to me. Actually sat there, asked me leading questions that bought up a lot of things, and from there I felt validated.

She prescribed me anti depressants & gave me info to apply for trauma counselling.

 

I will say I am not 100% better, but I'm definitely about 75%. I feel happy for the first time in ages. I feel I have a purpose.

 

Please find someone to talk to. Google online counselors or mental health professionals in your area. Dont be afraid to open up to them. They will help you plan coping strategies.

 

Good luck

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Dodo, am going through one due to lot of past bad experiences, it took me time to accept that i need to sort this out, i have found a therapist, her appointment is this weekend.

You need to take this step, that's the first one and rest will come through.

Just remember you can make it, as me, shelly and many more have

Good luck mate!

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I suppose I’m trying to explain that when I worked up the courage to ask for help I felt like I was dismissed and so it has left me more reluctant to try to ask for help now.

 

I can appreciate this, but consider the worst thing about the outcome. A doc who was supposed to work FOR YOU, not the other way around, was dismissive. So fire the bum, and keep 'interviewing' doctors for a second or third opinion until you find a good one who will work with you and put you on the road to treatment.

 

If it was your job to advocate for someone you care about who needed help, would you shift into a more assertive position? Consider your Self to be someone you care about, and operate as though your quality of life depends on finding the right person for treatment. This doesn't mean that you need to come up with the answers--that's how people talk themselves out of seeking treatment because anticipating themselves as responsible for their own diagnosis and treatment plan is too overwhelming. So skip that, and just ask the right questions. You don't need to be able to 'see' potential outcomes in order to do that.

 

You've really got nothing to lose and everything to gain by not taking 'no' for an answer.

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I wasn’t expecting so many replies. They’ve all given me something to think about. Now I just need to turn thinking into doing.

 

I have had no great trauma or particularly bad experience, if I did then perhaps I could understand why I feel like this. That’s also the thing that makes me doubt that talking will help, I can’t see what exactly I have to talk about. There’s no reason for me to be as I am. I have no excuse to be like this.

 

I have been thinking about what it is I fear. I am reluctant to ask for help because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I feel bad for feeling bad, especially as I know it is only me that can do anything about it. So if I asked for help I think I would very quickly feel overwhelmed then feel like a failure and a disappointment for not improving and then would back off and give up. I know guessing what could happen in the future isn’t wise but I know what I’m like. I’m my own worst enemy. I avoid things so I don’t have to deal with them.

 

There’s only so many times you can all say I need to speak to a doctor, therapist, counsellor or whatever I get that. I know I’m being infuriatingly stubborn, I’m sorry.

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