4.5 years later, and suddenly I’m blindsided

Typical subject line, amirite?

Hey guys, I’ve been visiting this forum since 2014; I found it so helpful after a very sad breakup about 5 years ago. Anyway, in 2015 I met my current ex at my best friends wedding (he is related to her and I actually had a crush on him for a while but we never got to hang out until we were older). I was 25 and he was 27 when we reconnected at her wedding. Sparks flew.

He was living in another state at the time. We began dating long distance for a little over a year until I finally graduated with my Masters degree and moved to his state. We had a great time living in an awesome city with two dogs for about 2.5 years, until we both finally decided to move back home to where both of our families were. We’ve been back for a little over 8 months, and the first 3 we spent at my moms until we saved enough money for a nice space with a yard for the pups.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, where he dumped me after 4.5 years together and 3.5 years living together, out of nowhere. We had a small fight (nothing crazy), and he basically used that as fuel to end things. Now I have to move back to my moms with my dog and I am absolutely broken and embarrassed. I am 29 years old, have a great career, and consider myself to be a good catch. I had a great partner — he was a fantastic chef, super handy, smart, clean, and made good money. We had a great relationship. I really thought this was it for me! I’ve been in mainly LTR throughout my teens and young adult life, and although those breakups were very sad and hard, I never really imagined marriage with any of them (teens, early 20s...too young for that), especially because I like to take things slow.

ere’s the kicker: I am currently studying for an exam to become certified (an extra step I’m willing to make to further advance my career even though I don’t necessarily NEED it), and the exam is a killer. I’ve been studying for a couple of months now, have been stressing about it for years, and now it’s finally close to exam day (2 months away) and I am so far behind in studying, can’t even imagine how I’m going to focus now. Having to go to work this week seems like a distant nightmare to me now as I deal with several patients per day and need to give my full emphatic, undivided attention. I can’t even attend to myself. I still have to go pick up my dog, my stuff. I’m terrified and devastated. Terrified for my future and devastated by the loss of a life partner and future together. He is sad and feels terrible for the hurt he’s caused but basically stated he “fell out of love somewhere along the way”. This means he’s known for a while and still allowed this move to a new house continue. I could’ve stayed with my mom 8 months ago when we moved back from another state and saved the heartbreaking move back now, while also given me time to heal so I can study for my exam. I am so angry, but mainly crushed. I know there’s NEVER a good time to end things, but damn I’m so shocked, and this is basically the worst timing.

I won’t try to find a place now because I have to study and save money for my own spot with enough space for my big dog. Just broken. We had a good life, awesome house, big yard, so many friends around. We always had get togethers and events at our home. Everyone is shocked by this decision, especially my family who genuinely thought I had found the one. How can someone fake so many emotions? Just this past Valentine’s Day he was the most romantic and loving partner! I read this a lot though in this forum though, so I am aware of how unfortunately common these actions from the dumper are prior to a shocking breakup.

I know I have to focus on myself now, break ups aren’t new to me, but this one hit hard. It’s difficult looking at my life now, 29 years old, back at my moms, with no idea if I’ll find someone as compatible again, having to go through the whole “getting to know someone again”, building a life and relationship and home with another person, feeling comfortable in my future with someone. So many awful thoughts going through my mind. What if I don’t find anyone as great? I thought breakups got easier as you get older but now I see how wrong that is — the older you get the more you realize there really isn’t enough time in the world. Sorry for the lengthy post, but typing it out was pretty cathartic.

OP, I am very sorry for your current situation and for experiencing an abrupt break up so unexpectedly. Yes, I agree with you that your ex was well-aware of his lackluster feelings in the relationship for some time, and chose not to tell you. He used the petty argument as his excuse to exit the relationship. He took the coward's way out instead of being upfront and honest with you from the beginning, which I agree was unfair to you.

I will say this: as bad as things are right now, things could have turned out much worse for you. This is a guy who has shown you that he is too afraid to communicate, that he will linger in a situation he's not 100% happy with, that he always chooses the path of least resistance. These are all very weak traits in a partner. Imagine if you had married this guy, you could be facing a blindsided divorce instead of a blindsided break up.

Yes, absolutely focus on yourself, and take it 1 step at a time. Right now, your immediate goal is to pass your exam, so keep your focus on that alone and put all other concerns (finding your own place, dating, finding a compatible partner and building a life with that person) on the back burner for now. It's important not to overwhelm yourself with too much as this will only result in stress overload; just keep it to 1 step at a time.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and big internet hugs to you.

You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time to find the right guy. Please understand that and don't pressure yourself about relationships for the moment. Instead focus on that exam and give it your all. A blessing in disguise really to have something to keep you firmly occupied. Once you ace your exams, then take a deep breath and deal with this. I have to agree with the above poster that this guy is a coward. He knew good and well for a long time, but didn't bother to communicate or even give you a clue. I think with time and 20/20 hindsight perhaps you'll start to see some red flags and flaws you've missed about him. Someone who can fake happy so well is a dangerous person.

OP, I am very sorry for your current situation and for experiencing an abrupt break up so unexpectedly. Yes, I agree with you that your ex was well-aware of his lackluster feelings in the relationship for some time, and chose not to tell you. He used the petty argument as his excuse to exit the relationship. He took the coward's way out instead of being upfront and honest with you from the beginning, which I agree was unfair to you.

 

I will say this: as bad as things are right now, things could have turned out much worse for you. This is a guy who has shown you that he is too afraid to communicate, that he will linger in a situation he's not 100% happy with, that he always chooses the path of least resistance. These are all very weak traits in a partner. Imagine if you had married this guy, you could be facing a blindsided divorce instead of a blindsided break up.

 

Yes, absolutely focus on yourself, and take it 1 step at a time. Right now, your immediate goal is to pass your exam, so keep your focus on that alone and put all other concerns (finding your own place, dating, finding a compatible partner and building a life with that person) on the back burner for now. It's important not to overwhelm yourself with too much as this will only result in stress overload; just keep it to 1 step at a time.

I could not agree with this more. Especially, this:

This is a guy who has shown you that he is too afraid to communicate, that he will linger in a situation he's not 100% happy with, that he always chooses the path of least resistance. These are all very weak traits in a partner. Imagine if you had married this guy, you could be facing a blindsided divorce instead of a blindsided break up.

Don't be embarrassed. I know what you mean but your family and friends love you. And they know he's the ass.

Maybe take a break from the test. Can you take it again next time around? You're only 29 and even if you were 49, whatever age, its ok.

Life is a journey. You have to deal with things as they happen... your life is on YOUR timetable not everyone else's or some standard you think you have to meet.

Hang in there. I'm sorry.

How are you doing? I was just blind sided in a 3 year relationship. We are younger 23 and 25 but were finally able to move in together in just a few months. Last night, he said he's felt distant, lost feelings for me and that was it. I thought I was spending the rest of my life with him. I do not know how to cope right now.He says he wants to maybe get back together in a few months (basically a test to see if he actually does love me still). I am shocked, hurt, heartbroken, alone and lost and don't know what to do with myself. This was my first adult relationship but I never thought it would end. We were the most stable and real couple by far from any of our friends and people always told us that. I just don't know what to do, I want him back so bad but he wants space.