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Thread: Feeling Lost and Confused

  1. #1

    Feeling Lost and Confused

    Hi all. I'm new here. I could really use some help.
    I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. I won't go into all the details right now because it would take way too long. Long story short, he doesn't make enough time for me, I get upset, we fight, I end up in tears. I don't ask much of him, I just want him to be present and to make me feel like I'm a priority sometimes.
    My big problem at the moment is his lack of communication. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me about our relationship and what we can do to fix it. He shuts down every time. He says he can't talk about it because he gets anxiety and can't deal with it. He says we'll talk later. Same thing happens when I try to talk to him again. I am an absolute mess right now. I have anxiety that is paralyzing me. I understand that I need to figure it out for myself, I just wish he would hear me. I wish he would talk things through with me. I'm so tired of feeling alone with all of this pain. Has anybody else ever dealt with this?

  2. #2
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    It's moments like these where I wish I had a magic wand that could fix things or, at least, make your pain go away.

    How does "making enough time" look to you? To some people I know spending an entire weekend with a partner is too much, for others it's perfect.

    Anyhow, what I am about to say is probably not something that anyone wants to hear. We all have 168 hours in a week. We make time for anything that we consider important. So, if he isn't making you a priority, but has time for other stuff (whatever that stuff is)... well, I'm afraid, that at the moment you aren't important to him. When did you stop being important to him?

    Generally that which interests us is important to us. Therefore, my suggestion, be interesting again. Don't wait for him to do stuff together. Dress spectacular and go out with your friends to see a play, take dancing lessons - do anything exciting. You'll discover that either he'll come around or that life is too amazing to be waiting around for someone who doesn't make time for you.
    Last edited by greendots; 03-04-2020 at 11:49 PM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately your relationship sounds very strained and unhappy. Did you know that 'lots of ups and downs" is not normal or happy and indicates severe dysfunction and incompatibility? He doesn't want to "fix it". It's not his job to fix your anxiety and pain. The best thing to do is the opposite of what you are doing.

    Rather than pushing and forcing and getting in his face, pull way way back from all this. Instead get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist for your anxiety and pain. Perhaps getting rid of him is the first step in your recovery. You seem to have an awful and painful relationship.
    Originally Posted by BlondeGirl
    We've had a lot of ups and downs. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me about our relationship and what we can do to fix it. I have anxiety that is paralyzing me.I'm so tired of feeling alone with all of this pain.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by BlondeGirl
    Hi all. I'm new here. I could really use some help.
    I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. I won't go into all the details right now because it would take way too long. Long story short, he doesn't make enough time for me, I get upset, we fight, I end up in tears. I don't ask much of him, I just want him to be present and to make me feel like I'm a priority sometimes.
    My big problem at the moment is his lack of communication. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me about our relationship and what we can do to fix it. He shuts down every time. He says he can't talk about it because he gets anxiety and can't deal with it. He says we'll talk later. Same thing happens when I try to talk to him again. I am an absolute mess right now. I have anxiety that is paralyzing me. I understand that I need to figure it out for myself, I just wish he would hear me. I wish he would talk things through with me. I'm so tired of feeling alone with all of this pain. Has anybody else ever dealt with this?
    Well -- is he working 12 hour shifts to make ends meet and is exhausted? Or is he going out with his frieds 7 nights a week. I would not *have a talk* i would suggest a date idea something that you want to do and if he won't go, go with a friend. if the problem is the latter, give him a break

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BlondeGirl
    Hi all. I'm new here. I could really use some help.
    I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. I won't go into all the details right now because it would take way too long. Long story short, he doesn't make enough time for me, I get upset, we fight, I end up in tears. I don't ask much of him, I just want him to be present and to make me feel like I'm a priority sometimes.
    My big problem at the moment is his lack of communication. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me about our relationship and what we can do to fix it. He shuts down every time. He says he can't talk about it because he gets anxiety and can't deal with it. He says we'll talk later. Same thing happens when I try to talk to him again. I am an absolute mess right now. I have anxiety that is paralyzing me. I understand that I need to figure it out for myself, I just wish he would hear me. I wish he would talk things through with me. I'm so tired of feeling alone with all of this pain. Has anybody else ever dealt with this?
    Why is he being thi way? Is there something going on with him? Or is he just not capable of talking through things?

    You do not need to figure the relationship out fir yourself. Part of a healthy, happy relationship is figuring things out together.

    I think we need a little more context to understand what's happening...like is he having a tough time or are you banging your head against a wall?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    My big problem at the moment is his lack of communication. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me about our relationship and what we can do to fix it. He shuts down every time. He says he can't talk about it because he gets anxiety and can't deal with it. He says we'll talk later.
    I hate to say it but it sounds like he is probably not on the same page as you when it comes to your relationship. Whatever his reasons are for not making time for you, if he constantly puts you at the bottom of his list and refuses to discuss it with you, then it's likely he is good with things how they are and doesn't want more.

    It's not that you need to figure things out for yourself, but you do need to decide if this is something you are willing to live with, especially after repeated attempts on your part to have a conversation with him.

  8. 03-07-2020, 12:11 PM


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