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Thread: Should I ignore my best friend if he says he loves me?

  1. #1

    Should I ignore my best friend if he says he loves me?

    I've been working for 2 years at an MNC and there's this guy at work who has been in my team right from the beginning. We started as strangers but soon we found we had too much in common. It ended up in a strong friendship and now he's the first person I turn to when I want to discuss anything.

    It's worthwhile to mention that we do connect at a different level altogether and I can't think of any other individual (apart from my mom maybe) who understands me so well.

    I never thought it was anything other than friendship. Even though other colleagues teased us about our striking similarities, or our fights, or our endless conversations apart from work - I always told them that he's like a brother from another mother and I swear I never felt for him romantically.

    Important fact to be mentioned here- this friend of mine has a defective right leg which doesn't allow him to walk steadily. He has to stagger or use a wheelchair. He's smart, intelligent, has a wry sense of humour and even has a nice side to him but his obvious physical shortcoming and the sympathy and unwanted attention that he receives from people as a result leaves him all frustrated and rude all the time. I'm probably the only person on earth who can bring him out of his shell and make him laugh. Also, he hasn't got many close friends apart from me, right now atleast.

    Now comes the problem. 2 months ago, he was drunk at a party and confessed he liked me. He said he's been hiding it for a year and he can't do it anymore. He was supposedly expecting it to go away but things just went "out of control". He said he's not expecting me to feel the same way but he just wanted to come clean.

    I've tried my best to not be weird or disrespectful but what I don't understand is should I stop staying in touch with him to help him get over me? He stopped texting me multiple times but eventually we get back to being friends somehow. But i know I'm hurting him. And it makes me want to cry. But the thing is even I can't seem to stay away from him and I seriously miss him when he withdraws all contacts.

    I think I can't love him the way he wants me to but I really care for him, a lot. I remember being dead with worry when he didn't call me after returning home late one night. I try my best to act indifferent so that he gets a little space from me but I find myself worrying about him or missing him or being guilty about this whole thing all the time. Also, I cherished the friendship and I can't help but wish that we continue to be friends.

    One more thing, I confronted him once when he didn't answer my calls. He said he was sorry and he sort of cried and left the room.

    What on earth am I supposed to do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are too emotionally dependent on him and stringing him along. Leave him alone and find other friends.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you should back off from this friendship. I dont mean stop associating with him, but do it less. You are too close to the situation.

  4. #4
    Thank you for your replies. But he gets back everytime. And it's too hard to simply cut off that rare person you can actually connect with, you know. But I know what you mean. I'll try.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to join some clubs and groups and volunteer, take some classes and courses and make someone friends. If you have trouble relating to people perhaps some therapy to explore that.

    However this coworker is trying to pull back and you are starting to get clingy. Friends don't use friends for attention. Friends don't confess crushes. Friends don't isolate a coworker as their personal therapist.
    Originally Posted by Noyontara
    even has a nice side to him but his obvious physical shortcoming and the sympathy and unwanted attention that he receives from people as a result leaves him all frustrated and rude all the time.

  7. #6
    Wiseman2, That's preachy! I don't think you're getting it.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Noyontara
    Thank you for your replies. But he gets back everytime. And it's too hard to simply cut off that rare person you can actually connect with, you know. But I know what you mean. I'll try.
    It doesn't have to all be up to him, though. You have control over your own actions here.

    You don't need to cut him off altogether, but you do need to step back and untangle yourself emotionally from him. You see a wonderful friend, of course, but he is going to be very hurt by continued close contact. I don't mean you will intentionally hurt him, but he will be in pain just by virtue of being close but not having his feelings returned.

    Think of what will happen when you start dating someone, too. You will naturally prioritize him over this friend, and spend less time and energy on him. It will be hard for him to watch you have a relationship with someone else, and a new guy probably won't like an opposite-sex friend being so close to his girlfriend, either, especially if he figures out that this guy is in love with you.

    You both need to take space from each other.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya he is getting it. You don't really realize that you have become very dependent on each other in a unhealthy way. He's suggesting this "friendship" had made you both codependent. The best solution is to back off and find other ways to fill the void, like activities that encourage you to make new friends, and have a more fulfilling life instead on clinging onto this poor fellow for your emotional needs. You are being defensive because you are protecting your source of emotional fulfillment. It's like an addiction. You couldn't possibly see this, because you are way too involved. You came here for someone to shed some light on this and Wiseman did.

    As for your friend, he just needs some space, and you should be respectful of that. Those feelings he has are causing him some grief, and he needs time to work though it. What does the future hold? Who knows. It could resolve itself. Have to wait and see.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You don't want to let him go because having him close benefits you. But a true friend would want what benefits him.

    Distance yourself for HIS own good, not yours.

  11. #10
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    It is very difficult as you work together. I agree with the others, you need to pull way back and change the dynamic of your relationship.

    When this has happened to me, I cut off the friendship as it was cruel to my friend to remain in contact, but you see one another through the job making it impossible.

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