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Our relationship doesn't "feel" like a relationship.


kathyb

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My boyfriend and I have a very odd relationship these days, and I need some input ...

 

We've been together for a little bit over a year, but we've been friends for around 5 years. He's older than me by a good stretch, however that's not the reason we're having problems. The thing is, we're both independent people and like solo time, and at the start of our relationship, we had a good balance down. We saw each other every other day or so, spent the weekends together, went on holidays together. We were invested in each other's lives. But for the past 2 months or so, things have changed. We barely see each other. Not because we're busy, but because he's started to drink more alcohol - and I really dislike him when he does. He doesn't get abusive or anything like that, he's quite the happy drunk usually, but I can't stand the nonsense conversations, staying up till morning, his slurred voice. He's not like himself and I don't like the person he becomes. This has led to a sharp decline in the time we spend together because I don't want to stay with him when he's drinking.

 

As a result, I barely have a clue what's going on in his life, and he doesn't know what's happening in mine. It really doesn't feel like a relationship anymore. Neither of us is prioritising the other, and at this point we're like random friends with benefits basically and it breaks my heart. I want to spend more time with him, but I don't know how. I've asked him to lay off the wine at dinner, but he sees no reason to of course. Do I really have to give him an ultimatum? Those never work. And I know I'm overreacting here. He doesn't get super drunk, he doesn't drink every day, he's not an alcoholic. He just likes a good wine with a good dinner and it's unreasonable of me to react so strongly to this.

 

Because we spend so little time together lately, he seems to believe I don't want to be in a relationship with him. But this isn't true. I love him and I know he loves me too, even though he refuses to say it. And I really, really miss him. I want us to work out and be a team again. But neither of us seems to know how to go about it.

 

Do you have any advice for me? Besides "talk about it". We do try to talk about it, but it seems to to push us more towards conflict and less towards solution because neither of us can find the right words to express what we feel and mean. I can't even clearly write down what I mean here, after all. I'm not sure how I feel.

 

The last time we talked about it, he asked if I didn't like him anymore, if I was annoyed by him. I said "No, I like you. But I'm annoyed by the way you behave when you drink, because we frequently misunderstand each other and it's overall not a great situation for me to be in because I feel uncomfortable around you. So I'd rather be by myself at those times." He was very offended and told me if that was how I really felt, then he'd have to overthink our relationship as it was clearly not good for me.

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Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Was he a heavy drinker when you met? An alcoholic's primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is just a tool or pawn to be used. Read up on alcoholism. it's not about being drunk constantly.

 

Research the AA sites and educate yourself. Get on an AlAnon site for yourself and learn why you are subsidizing and destroying your life with an alcoholic. The longer he tells you "it's not a problem stop nagging" and the longer you tell yourself "But but but he not an alcoholic" the longer you will perpetuate this lonely misery for yourself and ruin your life.

 

All you have in common now is that you are both in denial about it despite the problems it's causing. End it. Do not nag, have sex, try to fix him etc. Just leave.

 

We've been together for a little bit over a year, but we've been friends for around 5 years.

he's started to drink more alcohol. I can't stand the nonsense conversations, staying up till morning, his slurred voice.

at this point we're like random friends with benefits

I've asked him to lay off the wine at dinner, but he sees no reason to of course.

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Thanks for your reply.

 

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Was he a heavy drinker when you met? An alcoholic's primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is just a tool or pawn to be used. Read up on alcoholism. it's not about being drunk constantly.

 

We met at a mutual friend's birthday party. No, he wasn't a heavy drinker then. He has only started to drink more recently, no apparent cause. And I know partners of alcoholics are part of the problem and refuse to acknowledge there is a problem, so what I'm going to say next probably has little value in that context - but I really don't think he's an alcoholic. I've read several books on alcoholism and discussed this with a therapist. The increased drinking is a red flag, but I don't believe that suddenly turns him into the stereotypic addict. He has no issues not drinking. His life doesn't revolve around it at all. He doesn't generally drink more than anyone else around us. I think I just have more issues with this than the average person because I don't drink alcohol at all.

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And I know I'm overreacting here. He doesn't get super drunk, he doesn't drink every day, he's not an alcoholic. He just likes a good wine with a good dinner and it's unreasonable of me to react so strongly to this.

 

If that's accurate, then I am curious how it's led to not spending much time together over the last two months. Enjoying a good wine with a good dinner sounds fairly innocuous, but in the same breath you identify it as a cause of conflict over the last while - to the point where you don't even want to be around him much. It must be happening with some frequency if it's interfering in the relationship to this degree.

 

So, to clarify, how often does he drink to the point of being drunk?

 

What has led to his increase in consumption? Or has he always been a bit of drinker but was abstaining to appease you, until recently?

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What has led to his increase in consumption? Or has he always been a bit of drinker but was abstaining to appease you, until recently?

 

I have no clue what led to the increase in drinking. He says there is no reason, he just feels like enjoying dinner with me and a bottle of wine is part of that. However, that wasn't the case a few months ago. He's never been into drinking a lot, but he has always been into wines - he used to be a professional sommelier. So he'd get together with friends who also had in interest in wine on the weekends. But overall, he only had alcohol maybe 3-4 times a month or less, which was never an issue.

 

 

If that's accurate, then I am curious how it's led to not spending much time together over the last two months. Enjoying a good wine with a good dinner sounds fairly innocuous, but in the same breath you identify it as a cause of conflict over the last while - to the point where you don't even want to be around him much. It must be happening with some frequency if it's interfering in the relationship to this degree.

 

So, to clarify, how often does he drink to the point of being drunk?

 

I understand that sounds contradictory, sorry. It's weird. He basically only drinks when I'm with him. So when I meet him say, 3 evenings in a row for dinner, he'll drink those 3 evenings. If I don't meet him for dinner, then he won't drink usually. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why he does that. He has explained this, but the explanation sounds like he doesn't understand either. He said it's simply a sort of ritual he wants to keep up: my company, dinner, and a bottle of wine. Without me he doesn't feel like drinking as it's not the same.

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Are you sure he's not drinking when he's alone?

Also, when he drinks with you, is he getting drunk nearly every time?

 

I can't be a 100% sure obviously but I'm certain. He wouldn't lie to me about this and he'd have to be hiding bottles etc, which I would notice. When I call him in the evening he isn't drunk either and his friends have also told me he isn't drinking when they stay over. He only very rarely drinks on his own. I'd say that happened once in the past month.

 

He gets drunk nearly every time when I'm with him in the evenings, yes. There have been some memorable times when he's stopped after a glass but usually, he finishes the bottle. It seems the more I complain the more he feels justified in continuing. So if I say "thanks for stopping after one glass," he raises his eyebrows and pointedly pours himself another one while saying "you know, I wasn't planning on drinking more but now you mention it I might as well keep going." And I really don't know what to do with that. Is he being immature? Does he get enjoyment out of riling me up? I don't know.

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Ok google "problem drinkers". You are both in denial and both think alcohol is not a problem. Yet...you are nagging and trying to control his drinking and claim it has a negative impact on the relationship.

 

If you want to use semantics to stay in the relationship then try educating yourself on 'problem drinkers', if you can't handle the idea that you are with someone who has an issue with alcohol. If you think his drinking level is normal then consider the relationship is crumbling due to incompatibility. That may help you wrap your head around things.

 

Educate yourself: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-grew-up-with-alcoholic-quiz/

I really don't think he's an alcoholic. I've read several books on alcoholism and discussed this with a therapist. I think I just have more issues with this than the average person because I don't drink alcohol at all.
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He gets drunk nearly every time when I'm with him in the evenings, yes. There have been some memorable times when he's stopped after a glass but usually, he finishes the bottle. It seems the more I complain the more he feels justified in continuing. So if I say "thanks for stopping after one glass," he raises his eyebrows and pointedly pours himself another one while saying "you know, I wasn't planning on drinking more but now you mention it I might as well keep going." And I really don't know what to do with that. Is he being immature? Does he get enjoyment out of riling me up? I don't know.

 

Yes, that response is immature. But I have a feeling he would have kept drinking anyway; he is likely just using your comment as an "excuse" to keep it up. How old is he, anyway?

 

It is developing into a problem if he's getting drunk every time you him. People who have a non-problematic relationship with alcohol don't drink like this. He's on a slippery slope here, and my strong suspicion is that it's not coming out of nowhere. It's just not something you really knew about until now, and perhaps something he's been able to keep under control for a long time. How many folks do you really know go from a couple drinks a month to getting drunk several nights in a row, in such a short period of time? I would venture that unless he's experienced some significant trigger in the last couple months and is (misguidedly) leaning on booze to cope, this isn't an entirely new habit for him.

 

How to move forward? Well, if he isn't open to listening to your concerns and it's not something you can accept, you might not be able to more forward with him. How do you two generally deal with conflict, apart from this issue?

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Have you ever thought that he's not happy in the relationship, and cowardly about breaking up, so is performing in this very activity so that you'll be the one to break up with him so he can avoid drama?

 

You've communicated that you don't enjoy his company when he drinks to the point that his personality changes. He doesn't care that you feel that way. If he cared about retaining the relationship, he'd want to please you on this reasonable request.

 

You're past the honeymoon period and are now seeing what your life will be like forever with him. Don't hope for change. What you see is what you get. People choose their addictions over the people in their lives. Either he's doing this or as I said earlier, sabotaging the relationship so you'll pull the plug. He doesn't care, so why stay?

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He's 40. Good job, good finances, opposite of what the internet would call a "loser" these days.

 

It's definitely coming out of nowhere for me though. I get that it's hard to believe, but I've known him well for about 6 years now and known him before that too. And I've spent nearly every free minute with him in those past years. He hasn't had the opportunity to develop a drinking habit without my knowledge or without anyone else noticing ...

 

Well he said himself that he doesn't want to continue the relationship if it's such a big issue for me, because he clearly noticed the sharp decline in the time we spend together. But he doesn't attribute it to drinking - he believes I simply don't like him because of my comments.

 

We haven't had much conflict over the past year and before that. We know each other well and we are super compatible in all the ways, apart from the sudden drinking. If we have a disagreement, we usually sit down together, talk about it and try to find a solution or a compromise that works for both of us. For example, at the start of our relationship he used to point out attractive women that we met. At first, it wasn't an issue for me (as he used to do this when we were not in a relationship too), but it got to the point where I started to feel insecure because if everyone else is so attractive to him, why was he with me? So I told him about this and he immediately apologized and toned it down.

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Have you ever thought that he's not happy in the relationship, and cowardly about breaking up, so is performing in this very activity so that you'll be the one to break up with him so he can avoid drama?

 

You've communicated that you don't enjoy his company when he drinks to the point that his personality changes. He doesn't care that you feel that way. If he cared about retaining the relationship, he'd want to please you on this reasonable request.

 

You're past the honeymoon period and are now seeing what your life will be like forever with him. Don't hope for change. What you see is what you get. People choose their addictions over the people in their lives. Either he's doing this or as I said earlier, sabotaging the relationship so you'll pull the plug. He doesn't care, so why stay?

 

Yes, I've entertained that idea. I've point-blank asked him if he wants to sneakily break up with me because he's unhappy and he was horrified and denied it.

 

I'm trying to figure out if he cares or not. If he really doesn't, yeah, there's no point in staying with him.

 

I'm starting to get the feeling that he might not care about relationships generally, though he cares about people. Maybe he feels trapped in a traditional relationship. I met one of his exes accidentally a few days ago (they're still friendly with each other) and she told me she's very surprised to hear he's in a relationship with me, as he's always been very upfront with her about being scared of commitment. She said he never was the type to be in a "normal" relationship and always preferred FWB as less feelings were involved.

 

This was news to me, as he's never even hinted at this before. When we started dating he initially stated he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but he very quickly changed his mind.

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So he hasn't had any longterm relationships that you know of? From what his ex says and what you're saying, he's not a safe bet for the forever kind of relationship you likely seek. He might've been a good friend, but he's not a good partner. Always look at a person's past relationship history for clues of what you can expect.

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So he hasn't had any longterm relationships that you know of? From what his ex says and what you're saying, he's not a safe bet for the forever kind of relationship you likely seek. He might've been a good friend, but he's not a good partner. Always look at a person's past relationship history for clues of what you can expect.

 

He's had 4 longterm relationships that I know of, so this came as a surprise to me. When I met him a few years ago he was still in a relationship too.

I did end up asking him about his previous relationships after I met his ex, and he admitted that the only "real" longterm relationship had been the last one. The other ones were really just FWB but people assumed he was in a partnership and he never corrected them. The last relationship ended badly (they had a fight after 8 years together and she walked out and never came back, left all her stuff etc, she had been cheating on him) and he said after that he felt relationships just weren't for him.

 

And he said it was different with me. At first, he thought we'd just be FWB too, but then he realized how much he actually cared about me. And since I was so open with my feelings, he felt he could do the same, and that's when he realized that he did want a relationship with me.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore (Depeche Mode, anyone?). I wanted a future with him but I can see it less and less.

But when we started dating, I wasn't thinking about a future. He was just kind of there when I needed the comfort of someone being there, and I think neither of us really thought we'd end up in a relationship. But that's what happened. And now it feels a bit like we're back at the start and neither really knows where to go from there.

 

edit: he's going to call me in a few minutes. Wish me luck.

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I really don't think he's an alcoholic. I've read several books on alcoholism and discussed this with a therapist. The increased drinking is a red flag, but I don't believe that suddenly turns him into the stereotypic addict.

 

It's not necessary to split hairs to diagnose anyone as an alcoholic. If their drinking 'behavior' is a problem for you, then it's a drinking problem for YOU--and that's all you really need to know.

 

If you want to learn how to walk the tightrope to avoid becoming an enabler versus policing another adult, this state of limbo is one you'll need the resilience to become comfortable with adopting as your new 'normal'.

 

At some point it may occur to you that this is not really enough for you in terms of the kind of relationship you envision for yourself and your future. In that case, the best favor you can do for both him and yourself is to tell him, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to explore the party world to whatever degree you wish, and if you ever decide to pursue sobriety for a year, and then you're ready to pursue a relationship based on sober living, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

This leaves your door open to future potential even while it frees you to possibly find someone who's goals, interests and lifestyle better align with your own. However, if you opt to keep this guy in your life, I'd consider attending AlaNon to learn from others who've walked down this road.

 

Head high, and my heart goes out to you.

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It's not necessary to split hairs to diagnose anyone as an alcoholic. If their drinking 'behavior' is a problem for you, then it's a drinking problem for YOU--and that's all you really need to know.

 

That's true. I just mentioned this because I felt like I'd only get "he's an addict, leave him" replies. I think that's not the real issue, but you are right of course - it's a problem, no matter what we're going to call it.

Thanks for your kind words. I'll have to think about this and decide what I want vs. what I'm willing to put up with.

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Honestly, OP, the more you write...the less it sounds like he's material for anything really long-term.

 

It seems he's used to doing what he wants, when he wants. He's previously been fairly uncommitted. When you raised concerns over this new drinking habit, he responded like a petulant teenager rebelling against a parent. I'm just about his age, and would be very put off by the behaviour you're describing. It would make me wonder if he's getting bored/stifled of being in a committed relationship again and is looking for a way out. People who do this very rarely ever admit to it, and sometimes don't even really recognize that's what they're doing, so calling him out on that wasn't going to yield an honest response.

 

Rather than looking to find a reasonable compromise with you, he's taken the "if you don't like it, then leave"-approach. That is very telling. Think about what he's not saying, and what his actions are telling you.

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Men......they are the worst communicators when it comes to expressing their feelings. Showing weakness scares the hell out of them. He's hiding something. The alcohol only exasperates the issue and causes denial. Depression? possibly. Depression and addiction usually go hand in hand. I agree when they brush you off and continue to deny it, that's when it no longer becomes your problem. They need to hit rock bottom before they will do anything about it, and you shouldn't be wasting your time waiting for that to happen.

He needs tough love. Letting him get away with it without any REAL consequences makes you the enabler. My mother was the same. I had to cut her off and go no contact. It was the only way it hit home for her if she didn't get the help, she wouldn't have a family ...that's real consequences.

You have to tell him you are done with it. Walk. Let him know he can contact you when he gets help and cleans himself up. You ain't doing it for him, he has to do this on his own. If you don't do this, he won't stop.

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He may not be drinking to get you to break up with him but he's definitely drinking to accomplish SOMETHING.

 

The part where you comment about him only having one glass to which he reacts by pouring another glass...this is someone who is figuratively screaming that he will NOT allow you to tell him what to do. My guess is he's rebelling over some aspect of the relationship that he's unhappy with but isn't mature enough to just tell you.

 

In other words, he is passive-aggressively telling you to shut up and wine drinking is his way of doing it. He knows you dislike it so he doubles down.

 

This is not a man who is interested in a harmonious relationship with you. He is deliberately creating conflict. The question is, why? Why does he love getting blitzed on wine more than he loves you?

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This is not a man who is interested in a harmonious relationship with you. He is deliberately creating conflict. The question is, why? Why does he love getting blitzed on wine more than he loves you?

 

This is my impression, too.

 

He apparently saves up his drinking binges for nights when you're together, OP. There is a message he's sending here, and it's not a loving and positive one.

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He needs professional help. I agree with others regarding AA. Anytime drinking is unreasonable, it's alcoholism. There's no way around it.

 

Either ask him to get professional help with his drinking addiction or dissolve the relationship.

 

Be with a man who has healthy habits, normal and treats you right. You certainly deserve that.

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You are both in denial and both think alcohol is not a problem. Yet...you are nagging and trying to control his drinking and claim it has a negative impact on the relationship.

 

I agree. I understand that you don't want to bias the advice from this board, but I hope that you are at least aware that minimizing and control are two of the crucial ingredients in the addict/codependent dynamic.

 

She said he never was the type to be in a "normal" relationship and always preferred FWB as less feelings were involved.

 

This was news to me, as he's never even hinted at this before.

 

Six years of knowing someone and there are still some things that you don't know about him. You are willing to concede that you didn't know about his FWB preferences. Why are you not willing to concede that his drinking problem may have pre-dated your relationship? People are really good at hiding these things.

 

He's had 4 longterm relationships that I know of, so this came as a surprise to me. When I met him a few years ago he was still in a relationship too.

 

How do you know he wasn't drinking when he was with this girl?

 

Ok.... now I'm done harping on the alcoholic thing.

 

The part where you comment about him only having one glass to which he reacts by pouring another glass...this is someone who is figuratively screaming that he will NOT allow you to tell him what to do. My guess is he's rebelling over some aspect of the relationship that he's unhappy with but isn't mature enough to just tell you.

 

In other words, he is passive-aggressively telling you to shut up and wine drinking is his way of doing it. He knows you dislike it so he doubles down.

 

This is not a man who is interested in a harmonious relationship with you. He is deliberately creating conflict.

 

Agreed. Alcohol aside, ^this^ in itself is reason enough to end things.

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