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Thread: Our relationship doesn't "feel" like a relationship.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I would call him an alcoholic even tho you dont. He's at least on that slippery slope to alcoholism. This may be a deal breaker for you, I know it would be for me. He could benefit from AA but it sounds like he wouldn't go.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    This is not a man who is interested in a harmonious relationship with you. He is deliberately creating conflict. The question is, why? Why does he love getting blitzed on wine more than he loves you?
    This is my impression, too.

    He apparently saves up his drinking binges for nights when you're together, OP. There is a message he's sending here, and it's not a loving and positive one.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately getting drunk and FWB are both distancing. Why not pull back and reflect on what's best for you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He needs professional help. I agree with others regarding AA. Anytime drinking is unreasonable, it's alcoholism. There's no way around it.

    Either ask him to get professional help with his drinking addiction or dissolve the relationship.

    Be with a man who has healthy habits, normal and treats you right. You certainly deserve that.

  5.  

  6. 03-01-2020, 09:19 PM

  7. 03-01-2020, 09:26 PM

  8. #25
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You are both in denial and both think alcohol is not a problem. Yet...you are nagging and trying to control his drinking and claim it has a negative impact on the relationship.
    I agree. I understand that you don't want to bias the advice from this board, but I hope that you are at least aware that minimizing and control are two of the crucial ingredients in the addict/codependent dynamic.

    Originally Posted by kathyb
    She said he never was the type to be in a "normal" relationship and always preferred FWB as less feelings were involved.

    This was news to me, as he's never even hinted at this before.
    Six years of knowing someone and there are still some things that you don't know about him. You are willing to concede that you didn't know about his FWB preferences. Why are you not willing to concede that his drinking problem may have pre-dated your relationship? People are really good at hiding these things.

    Originally Posted by kathyb
    He's had 4 longterm relationships that I know of, so this came as a surprise to me. When I met him a few years ago he was still in a relationship too.
    How do you know he wasn't drinking when he was with this girl?

    Ok.... now I'm done harping on the alcoholic thing.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    The part where you comment about him only having one glass to which he reacts by pouring another glass...this is someone who is figuratively screaming that he will NOT allow you to tell him what to do. My guess is he's rebelling over some aspect of the relationship that he's unhappy with but isn't mature enough to just tell you.

    In other words, he is passive-aggressively telling you to shut up and wine drinking is his way of doing it. He knows you dislike it so he doubles down.

    This is not a man who is interested in a harmonious relationship with you. He is deliberately creating conflict.
    Agreed. Alcohol aside, ^this^ in itself is reason enough to end things.

  9. #26
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    I love how you use the term "FWB" to describe an interaction with less feelings -true friends have feelings and true friends care. This guy let women believe they were in a relationship when he viewed it just as a sexual arrangement. "Never corrected them" becomes leading on at some point. He's doing the same thing with you. He's lying to you, telling you that he thinks you don't really like him despite your being clear with what you want -to hang out with him when he's sober. I bet he did the same thing with his former sex partners who thought they were in a relationship - deflected what they said/complained about to make it seem like he was in the "right" or the "victim". Do you really think this is some sort of prize "ohhhhh at first he just wanted me for sex but then he woke up and realized he gave a darn about me so he figured why not let's give this relationship thing a try." But his version of trying is if it's convenient for him. It's inconvenient if he has to sacrifice drinking a bottle of wine three times a week in order to spend time with you.

    Just imagine if you needed a real sacrifice from him like "can you get up early to be with our child so I can go to the doctor for this painful situation I'm in?" "Can you please visit my mother in the hospital so she's not alone so I can get some things done I've been putting off too long?" "Can you please abstain from drinking tonight when we go out with my boss?" He's showing you who he is plus he's well on his way to having a real drinking problem (which is kind of irrelevant in the sense that it's a problem for you, in this relationship).

  10. #27
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Your relationship doesn't feel like a relationship anymore precisely because you no longer have a relationship. He has checked out. However, the actual separation he is doing in an ultra manipulative, passive aggressive kind of way. Yes, he'd rather die than admit to you that he is done and wants out. He wants you to be the bad guy and break up with him. Why? He is pretty messed up mentally and emotionally and that's that. You will never understand his psychology or reasoning. Even if he explained himself, it will never make sense to you. In fact your relationship only lasted as long as it did because you are quite distant yourself, OP. The arm's length arrangement was suitable until it wasn't. People like him have an infinite capacity for instant discard and that's where you are at.

    The whole scenario where he drinks, you ask him to stop and his response is telling you that since you asked, it's now your fault that he is about to get wasted....that alone is enough for you to get up and walk away for good and block and delete him from your life permanently and with extreme prejudice. What he is doing isn't just childish and immature, it's also toxic and manipulative and damaging mentally and emotionally to you, OP. A very toxic drip drip drip that will eventually get to you.

    OP, he is counting on the idea that you have enough sense and self respect to just dump him clean. If you don't and decide to stick around longer, he will become increasingly more abusive toward you, essentially turn up the heat until you either finally decide to walk or break down mentally and emotionally. He doesn't care which, either way works for him. People like him have a hidden sadistic streak that they love to cloak as being a caring and sensitive person who just can't face hurting others. Think of the mind fck that is - I'm hurting you by acting like a grade A a hole because I don't want to hurt you by just being honest....... Can you wrap your mind around this insanity? Probably not, but that's how he operates. Stick around longer and you'll learn the very hard way just how horrible these types of people can be. Sadly, something tells me that you will do just that - stick around until you are fried to a crisp.

  11. #28
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    Do you guys really think he's some kind of psychopath? He's certainly an a-hole sometimes, especially lately, but I really don't believe he's that messed up. Everyone loves him, he's got a big heart and also great, long-lasting relationships with friends and family.

    Thanks for all your replies. I'll have to take some time to digest all of this. Life's been busy - and as it happens, I have not seen my boyfriend since the last time I posted here. We've talked on the phone, a couple of times, but only on surface-level. So no actual relationship talk has happened.
    This might be the longest stretch of time where I haven't seen him. It's actually been a bit relieving, as sad as it is to admit. I'm starting to miss him, but it was good to spend some more time by myself.

    He kind of hinted that he hasn't wanted to see me because he needed to think about himself and the relationship.

  12. 03-10-2020, 08:03 PM

  13. #29
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    Originally Posted by kathyb
    He kind of hinted that he hasn't wanted to see me because he needed to think about himself and the relationship.
    I don't think he's a psychopath, to address your most recent question.

    But given what you wrote here? I don't think he really wants this relationship anymore, either.

  14. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kathyb
    It's actually been a bit relieving, as sad as it is to admit.
    I would focus on this right now, as the answers to your concerns may lay more in you feeling relieved right now than all the looping analysis of his drinking, his romantic history, and so forth.

    I could say more, having followed this one pretty closely, but I'll leave it at that for now, as it seems your own spirit is giving you some very vital information.

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