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Thread: Married and had kids with the wrong person - what should I do?

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    I would tell her how I feel lonely and frustrated, and don't feel loved by her.

    I'm not sure it will "crush" her however.

    If it will cause some healthy emotional response and you both being ready to confront your issues, it's the best outcome that will signify that you don't have much underlying issues and you'll grow closer from it.

    I'm afraid though that she'll get defensive and either will try to blame you of things, or try to dismiss the issue altogether, or use any other cop-out strategy to avoid dealing with difficult emotions that arise from acknowledging the reality - not from ill will, but because it's the only way she knows to deal with such situations.

    I believe you're also not that good of dealing with a conflict in a healthy way and speaking out your true feelings, or you wouldn't get to this point in the first place.

    At least that's what happened in my experience.

    So I suppose it will take your developing a skill of speaking out your feelings to a person who tries to avoid listening to you, and her developing a skill to handle uncomfortable emotions, that likely stem from low self esteem, for your relationship to work.

    Her being shy from early age is another sign that she has a low self esteem and low acceptance of her true self, and that insecurity is likely expressed as rudeness and negativity towards others. It's fascinating how creative insecure people are about the defensive strategies they employ when they are confronted with something that has a chance of hurting their fragile sense of self worth.

    If you confront her about your true feelings, it will give her an opportunity to deal with her issues and hopefully to learn to love herself.

    I suppose putting in this work, will really lead to you maximising your potential and to you becoming all you can be. It will also help your relationship with children and them having a positive role model of dealing with conflict.

    It's all hard and long work, and will probably involve both individual therapy for you and your wife and a couples therapy. Maybe still not as costly as a bad divorce can be though...

    I think when you feel you have nothing more to learn about dealing with conflict and avoidance, and are still unsatisfied with your marriage, you will be able to discuss it in a healthy way and decide how to move forward to have more fulfilled lives for both of you.
    Last edited by user0x24; 04-24-2020 at 10:06 AM.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    I've been off this board for about 7 years, just logged on and saw your post. I was in a very similar situation to you about 7 years ago except that I had an affair. The good news is that the affair plus losing my job kinda kicked me in the ass to re-evaluate everything.

    I will second the suggestions to go to a counselor on your own to work things out in your head first for a couple of reasons.

    If you go to some sessions and it becomes obvious to you that you must get divorced, there's no need to bring up any grievances with your wife. They've all probably been discussed before and nothing has happened to make things better. Airing of any grievances will just make the divorce go worse and the casualties of a bad divorce are the kids. I can tell you from personal experience that the kids can do quite well if the divorce goes well. The counsellor can also give you advice on how to communicate to minimize the trauma. (and make no mistake, getting divorced is really really hard, even if it's a good "easy" divorce. Very stressful but if you choose that path, you'll be amazed at how good you feel on the other side).

    If you go to some sessions and it becomes obvious that she really is the one for you, perhaps the counsellor can help you formulate how and what to do to get the both of you into couples therapy in a healthy productive way the indeed does fix things. Apparently fixing marriages that have gone wrong is possible, just wasn't for me.

    The one thing you might want to do is inform her ahead of time that you're seeing a counsellor because you have to work out some stuff in your head. This in itself may be somewhat "crushing" for her but hell, you've been suffering for how long?

    If you want to read about my story, it's documented in this thread: [Register to see the link] I'm kind of shocked at the similarities in both our situations. (again, not exact but a lot of the same concepts).

    Good luck in whatever your choice may be!!!!!

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