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Thread: Married and had kids with the wrong person - what should I do?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you seem to be rehearsing the typical lines used to have affairs. "not in love" we are like friends, we are like roommates, got fat, let herself go, Doesn't understand me, nasty...Staying for the kids... blah blah blah.

    Do Not tell her how you feel. Your feelings are a collection of disrespectful negative and highly subjective complaints. Instead tell this laundry list of complaints about her to a therapist and an attorney. Find out how much a divorce will cost you.
    Originally Posted by Kaizen4
    -I married her for the wrong reasons and am not in love with her.
    -We were like best friends,
    -She's a very negative person, and complains all the time
    -She's gained a lot of weight since we started dating and I'm no longer physically attracted to her.
    -we don't communicate very well.
    -I really feel like the relationship is holding me back from becoming who I'm really meant to be.

  2. #22
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    Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments and advice. I am truly grateful and honored for you all taking time to read this and provide your advice. What a great group. I'm definitely open to counseling, and I like the suggestion from several folks that it might be good for me to seek counseling first on my own.

    To answer one common question... no, I have not met someone else and don't really even want that right now. I think the trigger for all of this coming up now was losing my job a couple years ago. It gave me time to focus on personal development - starting a healthy morning routine, journaling, meditation, reading personal development books, and getting clear on what I want in life. It's made me much more aware of who I am, what's really important to me, and I've finally worked up the courage to face this issue which I've been burying for so long.

    Sorry for not providing more specific responses to your advice & queries. I will definitely be reading and thinking this over some more and will come back with more thoughts and responses soon. Thank you!!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Who is paying the bills? Are finances stressing you out? It sounds like you don't do much all day except these introspective, self indulgent activities. You can do all this and work full time as well as take classes, courses, join groups, clubs sports, etc. Full time parents and workers do that all the time.

    Are you a stay-at-home dad? Does your wife resent supporting you? You need to get off the couch and self-help videos and be more productive.

    Sitting there ruminating about what self help gurus are telling you while you grow increasingly contemptuous, resentful and spiteful toward your wife seems a bit hypocritical.

    She is not holding you back from your "true self", being unemployed for years is.
    Originally Posted by Kaizen4
    I think the trigger for all of this coming up now was losing my job a couple years ago. It gave me time to focus on personal development - starting a healthy morning routine, journaling, meditation, reading personal development books, and getting clear on what I want in life.

  4. 03-02-2020, 11:36 AM

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  5. 03-02-2020, 12:41 PM

  6. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kaizen4
    Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments and advice. I am truly grateful and honored for you all taking time to read this and provide your advice. What a great group. I'm definitely open to counseling, and I like the suggestion from several folks that it might be good for me to seek counseling first on my own.

    To answer one common question... no, I have not met someone else and don't really even want that right now. I think the trigger for all of this coming up now was losing my job a couple years ago. It gave me time to focus on personal development - starting a healthy morning routine, journaling, meditation, reading personal development books, and getting clear on what I want in life. It's made me much more aware of who I am, what's really important to me, and I've finally worked up the courage to face this issue which I've been burying for so long.

    Sorry for not providing more specific responses to your advice & queries. I will definitely be reading and thinking this over some more and will come back with more thoughts and responses soon. Thank you!!
    So you lost your job and spent the last two years indulging in escapism - also known as the new agey psychobable of self development concepts sold by self pronounced gurus whose only interest is to milk money from fools, as if you aren't already developed as an adult man with a wife and family to support. High time to get back on that horse, go get a job and start adulting again. That means disconnecting from the escapism and reconnecting with the real world - work, life, your wife, your family, developing some actually healthy hobbies, etc. You've had one heck of a long vacation and it hasn't exactly served you well - you are now sabotaging your marriage. I'd be less harsh if it wasn't for the fact that you are not only sabotaging your marriage but you have children as collateral damage of this bs. Enough is enough. High time to get back to the real world and at this point, you might well need some real counseling since you appear to have done a good job of brainwashing yourself with the find yourself bs industry.

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  8. #25
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You have way too much time on your hands. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

    Become employed, industrious, productive, take good care of your health and you will become a more positive person towards your wife, marriage and family life.

    Stop the pity pot.

  9. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You say you "lost your job a couple of years ago." I'm wondering if you're still unemployed or you have a job now and were just letting us know what led up to your discontent.

  10. #27
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    Yes, I think you're right that she probably already suspects how I feel. I would consider marriage counseling, but it would be more from a standpoint of making the best of the remainder of our years together until the kids are grown. Once they are grown, I just don't think I would want to remain in the relationship.

  11. #28
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You say you "lost your job a couple of years ago." I'm wondering if you're still unemployed or you have a job now and were just letting us know what led up to your discontent.
    Yes, correct. I should have been more clear... I was only unemployed for a few months, but that was the trigger for me getting into personal development and getting more clear on my goals and feelings. My wife and I both have good full-time jobs. Thank you for not jumping to the conclusion that I've been unemployed for the last couple of years
    Last edited by Kaizen4; 03-03-2020 at 05:17 AM.

  12. #29
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If trying counseling, and for a good year at minimum, you can't love her like you should, you can then consider divorce. Think of it as freeing her to be with a more compatible partner, and the same for you. Sure, she will be upset. But it will free her to eventually be with someone who is crazy about her, so she will one day realize that you did her a huge favor. When you come up with a good co-parenting plan, your children will adjust. Good luck and keep us updated.
    Thank you Andrina for your thoughtful response. I think that's really good advice. I would definitely be willing to try counseling for a year. But your comment also gives me hope that if we did decided to end it, that it may actually lead to a better life for her in the end as well.

  13. #30
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Before marriage counseling, I'd consider seeing a therapist privately to decide whether I want to be in or out of my marriage. I'd explore whether there's anything that could change in my marriage that would make me want to remain in it. Otherwise, if I'm already clear that I want out, then it makes no sense to invest the expense and time with a marriage counselor just to tip-toe 'around' the fact that I'm hiding my end goal.
    That is wise advice. Thank you catfeeder. I agree this is something I really need to figure out before starting marriage counseling. I think I'm mostly interested in staying in the relationship for our kids.

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