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Thread: Married and had kids with the wrong person - what should I do?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is what happens when responsibilities, kids, chores, mortgage, etc take over the relationship. You lost connection, and the fall out is depression, frustration which can lead to a wondering eye, weigh gain, loss of attraction and a feeling of hopelessness, guilt. This has nothing to do with your choice to marry her, this has a lot to do with getting lost in your journey of being parents/spouses. I do like the idea that you seek out therapy privately, but to use it to help you prepare how you communicate to her without hurting her. Andrina's suggestion sounds gentle enough as a first approach. You are not pointing any fingers or bringing up specific details, just a goal you have in mind.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I know we need to work on our relationship and communicating better, but I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel because I know it will crush her, and I don't want to ruin the mostly good family life we have.
    Then I too am on board with you getting yourself into personal therapy to figure yourself out.
    I really feel like the relationship is holding me back from becoming who I'm really meant to be.
    Really? And, who is it you are thinking you are meant to be? That is a serious question to be asking yourself and to do so with the help of therapist.

    You know, mostly the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. It just looks that way because of the angle. You are lost and you would do well to partake in professional guidance. If after your get true clarity with professional help, if you still feel you are not "the man you were meant to be" then you will at least be leaving your "good family life" with knowing you are not just suffering in grass-is-greener-syndrome. Therapy may even give you confidence to communicate with your wife and at the very least, give her the opportunity to remedy. I suspect that she doesn't even know that there is anything wrong in the status quo which is rather sad if true.

    When is the last time you took her out on a romantic date and showed her that she is more than the mother of your children?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, tell her how you feel even though it will crush her because honesty is the best policy. No sense living a lie. Don't give up on your marriage yet though. Seek professional marriage counseling and see if it will help both of you.

    Tell her the truth. Tell her all of it and don't hold back. Tell it all and tell it like it is. In all fairness, she should give you feedback as well so if you can dish it out, be prepared to take it, too. I'm sure she'll put you in your place and tell you you're not so "perfect" either. It's not all about you as it takes two to tango.

    If you and your family are faith based, you might want to consider joining a church so you can be taught to have a different perspective regarding how to approach life, marriage and family life despite the rut and boredom you feel you are in.

    I know a lot of married couples who don't belong on the cover of a magazine yet they truly and sincerely love each other. Their focus is not about looks and with a different perspective whether from marriage counseling, therapy, church or psychologists, they change their ways because whatever they're doing now with their marriage and child rearing is not working.

    Watch some episodes of "SuperNanny" to get ideas on how to change with marriage and family life. Perhaps you can still salvage your marriage and family life by making serious, permanent changes so all of you can heal.

    Don't give up so easily. Put forth the effort and make changes so everyone benefits.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Marrying young and your first girlfriend/boyfriend without any chance to go live life first rarely works out for people.
    Most of my classmates and friends growing up were rather hardcore Christians who married the first guy/girl their parents liked, and there it's down to 2 out of nearly 30 of those couples who are still married. We are all around 40.
    So it's not strange at all that you'd be reassessing now after living out what you thought you were " supposed to be " doing - marry, have kids, the end.

    Catfeeder's post hits the nail on the head for me. I'd start with that.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet based upon an impulsive whim. Walking out because you're stuck in a rut and the marriage grew stale and boring is commonplace.

    Life falls into a dull monotony of mortgages, bills, grocery shopping, school, homework, organized sports, household chores and repeat.

    Divorce is an instant out and a solution for most people who are ready to simply call it quits because "they're not feeling it." Exhaust all options first such as professional marriage counseling and therapy for both of you.

    Also, take a time out minus kids. Don't be lumped with kids all the time. And, don't focus on romance all the time either. Some women simply want adult interaction with you, a good conversationalist, a great listener, take simple walks together, have a picnic, socialize with others, see a movie, take her out to a nice restaurant and get out of the house. Get a change of scenery. Have good couple friends, too. Mix it up.

    IF you are faith based, try church because many times, it will change your perspective on life, marriage and family life. There's more selfless attitude and not about "what I want, what's good for me, how I want my freedom, how I want a better looking, slender woman, how I wish we can raise our kids differently, etc."

    A lot of times, it's not the wrong person you married but the circumstances to change IF there is a mutual willingness and cooperation to do so.

    If there are behavioral differences and attitudes regarding how to raise children, both of you as parents need to be on the same page. Either marriage / family counseling or church (if you're faith based that is) will help you because you need a new, fresh pair of eyes as moral support and new lessons to apply to everyday living.

    It's not necessarily what you're supposed to be doing in any particular order with marriage, having kids and the end. It's about how to conduct your lives and if there are improvements needed regarding marriage and family life, there needs to be a sincere, concerted effort to change whatever is not working. If your life is chaotic, take cues from "SuperNanny" to get a glimpse of a different approach so healing is a realistic possibility.

    The problem is giving up so easily when changes could be had IF two people are on board to make it work. When children observe two parents who truly love and sincerely care enough toward one another, healing begins. Kids perceive this newfound intelligence to make it work as a team; not one giving up on the other and walking out just because life feels too difficult, challenging, a boring rut, mundane, a partner grew fat and whiny.

    There is a communication problem between you two and you're getting your wires crossed. Seek professional intervention through marriage and family counseling or a marriage-family psychologist who can guide you into the right direction.

  7. #16
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    he's gained a lot of weight since we started dating and I'm no longer physically attracted to her. I don't like being physically affectionate with her because it just feels fake. We're always civil to each other, and do have a lot of fun together as a family, but we don't communicate very well. I don't feel like I've ever been able to truly be myself around her. It used to seem like we had a lot in common, but we've both changed a lot and it doesn't seem like she's very interested in me or my goals at all. She never seems interested in talking about me, my interests, or what I'm working on. I really feel like the relationship is holding me back from becoming who I'm really meant to be.

    Your wife is the right one,because you chose her.
    The best marriages are built on being best friends.
    I think what happened is you had a decent marriage to begin with, but never personally worked on communication skills.
    And now your wife has lost her figure because she had babies. What a surprise!

    I think you need to pick your battles. If she is with the kids all day, maybe she is critical because she is at her last straw with them. Do you help out at all? Its common for the husband to thinks their children are angels sent from God meanwhile the mom has refereed their 32nd fight over who gets what color cup.

    Your wife knows you don't find her attractive anymore and it stings. Women know!
    So fight for your marriage. Go on dates with her. Sometimes just anything that is without the kids no matter how small but what about dressing up sometime to go to a nice place for dinner and something you used to like to do like the theater, a comedy club, a sporting event -- etc.,
    Time without the kids together won't change things overnight but it will help things start to change -- lines of communication may start to reopen.

    Sometimes family life can get mundane - you have to work at it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Marrying young and your first girlfriend/boyfriend without any chance to go live life first rarely works out for people.
    Most of my classmates and friends growing up were rather hardcore Christians who married the first guy/girl their parents liked, and there it's down to 2 out of nearly 30 of those couples who are still married. We are all around 40.
    So it's not strange at all that you'd be reassessing now after living out what you thought you were " supposed to be " doing - marry, have kids, the end.

    Catfeeder's post hits the nail on the head for me. I'd start with that.
    Most of my family members married young and are still married -- parents, cousins, etc. and are still happily married. One aunt/uncle set divorced but other than that - thats it. Young marriage is not always a deathnell --- sure, i think 19-22 year olds should be discourage nowadays "if its right, a delay of 1-5 years won't make a difference in that". But to retroactively tell someone who is married with kids "you married too young " as an excuse to not work on their marriage or leave -- nope. Unless there was no free will -- young 17-20 year old woman forced to marry a 50 year old guy in an arranged marriage or extreme situations like that, of course, the remedy is leave, not "work on it" if the man is unkind/unloving. You can't turn back time. You can only move forward. I think the difference in my family also is that couples have a strong support system of other couples with experience and are encouraged to work your basic getting into a rut type of problems.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I'd like to "third" the question that was brought up.

    After 15 years you suddenly are thinking about taking action? There is a motivator...is it your age or is it perhaps another woman you find interesting and who you think would be a better fit for you?
    Good question!! What is that thing that you feel is worth being a part time dad for?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    The reason I brought that up is because OP mentioned he married for the wrong reasons. He was young, had low self esteem, and hadn't figured out how to communicate and express his feelings. He didn't even KNOW how he felt about it, as he's expressing here that he is still struggling with being in touch with his own feelings and what he wants.

    And that's also why I think Catfeeder's suggestion for him to go talk to someone himself first is so great.
    The opportunity to get to what is going on with himself, his needs, his desires is there waiting without having to pull the trigger yet on anything in his marriage. And its paramount to get to that truth first, to learn to get comfy expressing it.
    Sure, he could go through all the motions to stay married but that's not the real point. The real point is him being genuine.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Step up as a man. Help your wife without her having to ask for help. Do it without fanfare nor recognition. Do the right thing. Be honorable. Pick up the slack.

    Throughout my marriage, my husband always helped me with the following: All errands (grocery shopping, miscellaneous errands, gas for both cars), household chores (housecleaning & laundry), cooking, newborn / baby / child care, organized sports, church life with children, chauffeuring duties in addition to yard work, car repairs, car / house maintenance, etc. Because of his invaluable, priceless help, I have time to exercise, meet my girlfriends for outings, lunch or occasional dinners and I'm a happier, relieved lady because he lightens my load. My husband makes my life easy and enjoyable. Happy wife equals happy life.

    My father-in-law (FIL) is the same way. Both my FIL and husband treat their wives like queens. We are incredibly fortunate and blessed.

    Your children are observing you. They will emulate you when they grow up and have relationships and marriages of their own.

    The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother. It's time to man up.

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