Doing the right thing

I met J (47) at the gym. I'm 30. We became friends and shortly after due to a different reason I moved in with him.

Along the course of our friendship I have been blurring the lines a bit. He is a recently divorced Dad of four and I don't have a relationship I am currently working.

Anyway I promised my mom that it wouldn't go beyond a platonic friendship because his kids visit a lot and I am working hard on some upcoming exams. Unfortunately we have almost had sex.

I have mixed feelings about this. I think I have been doing so out of needing to be wanted and he probably is doing the same. I am not sure how he feels about me because he did ask me out on valentines day but he

says he doesnt have the time/desire for a relationship.

I havent been in any relationships so i am not sure what I want. Can someone please help me?

You crossed the roommate line, and now you're living with someone you've had sex with (who doesn't want a relationship). My advice for you is to move out and get a roommate that you're not likely to have sex with.

How long have you known each other? How did it come about that you would move in with him? What is the understood arrangement? How are finances, etc handled? Are you renting an room/house-share?

It's complex because you are both lonely and in addition to romantic complications there could be the issues of moving, etc.. Be careful not to become a roommate-with-benefits or live-in nanny/housekeeper.

Can you move back home or with family/friends? It sounds like you are hoping for happily ever after or some type of relationship where unfortunately he has been clear that he does not want a relationship. That means you may get hurt or asked to move out when he's out dating new women .

We became friends and shortly after due to a different reason I moved in with him.

 

He is a recently divorced Dad of four. Unfortunately we have almost had sex. I think I have been doing so out of needing to be wanted and he probably is doing the same. he says he doesnt have the time/desire for a relationship.

I also suggest that you move out. You are going to get very hurt if you don't.

He does not want and is not capable of a relationship.

I didn't go all the way with him. I don't want a relationship right now or anything. I'm not sure why I did that. I moved in with him because I wanted a place closer to where I work.

I am trying to figure out why I did what I did. I have these intense feelings of guilt so I texted him he agreed it was wrong, but still Its usually me initiating and he just goes along with it. Its easier not to feel guilty about it when you don't have the responsibility

of initiating it. Moving out may be an option in the future as of right now no.

Apologies for being blunt, but moving out is the only option. At the moment, the chances of you actually sleeping together are quite high. Temptation is there and will be there, unless you move out.

I didn't go all the way with him. I don't want a relationship right now or anything. I'm not sure why I did that. I moved in with him because I wanted a place closer to where I work.

 

I am trying to figure out why I did what I did. I have these intense feelings of guilt so I texted him he agreed it was wrong, but still Its usually me initiating and he just goes along with it. Its easier not to feel guilty about it when you don't have the responsibility

 

of initiating it. Moving out may be an option in the future as of right now no.

You approach him and start touching him or kissing him or something? Or do you go into his bedroom at night?

Do you want a casual sex arrangement? If so, what will you do if one of you "catches feelings"?

I agree with everyone else. It's time to move OUT.

He has already made it very clear to you that he has absolutely no time / desire for a relationship with you not to mention he ignored you on Valentine's Day. Get his message, take the hint and get out as in yesterday! Be smart. Stop wasting your youth on a man who does not matter.

move out. Male/female roommate situations where the two people are not related rarely work out (unless one or both parties are gay).

There was no reason to do this.

There are plenty of women looking for roommates.

In my local area, there are women looking for a roommate for a full house -- divorced or retired widow who wants to be able to keep her house so having a roommate fits the bill to help with the bills. Women by schools, hospitals and airports are professional women looking for the same. This was a rediculous situation and you need to get out of it.

I didn't go all the way with him. I don't want a relationship right now or anything. I'm not sure why I did that. I moved in with him because I wanted a place closer to where I work.

 

I am trying to figure out why I did what I did. I have these intense feelings of guilt so I texted him he agreed it was wrong, but still Its usually me initiating and he just goes along with it. Its easier not to feel guilty about it when you don't have the responsibility

 

of initiating it. Moving out may be an option in the future as of right now no.

Live farther away from work. Move in wth your parents while you look for a place and look at roommate ads.

You need to move out, if you dont, you will end up in bed with him before long.

To pile on, yes, move out.

You are going to get hurt if you don't, because you two will likely wind up sleeping together and it will be very uncomfortable for you because he still won't want a relationship.

Consider this: what if he does start casually dating someone or sleeping with someone else, and brings her home? Do you really want to bump into her in your kitchen?

Speaking only for myself, my rule of thumb is "Don't make a mess where you live..."

I'd stay platonic while searching for another living situation. I'd tell the guy that I like him and can picture the two of us dating in the future, and that's why I'm moving away while we still think highly of one another. He gets to find a more suitable roommate, and if he ever decides that dating to explore a potential relationship is something he wants to do, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Beyond that, I wish him the best.

Ok join some clubs, groups ,volunteer, take some classes and courses not only to get out of the house more but to meet some quality people. You are looking for something otherwise you wouldn't proposition him. If that's the case, get on some dating apps and rather than play nanny, housekeeper, fwb start messaging and meeting men after work/on weekends .

I don't want a relationship right now or anything. I'm not sure why I did that. I moved in with him because I wanted a place closer to where I work. I am trying to figure out why I did what I did.Its usually me initiating and he just goes along with it. .

... but you promised your mom you would keep it platonic. You are 30 years old... why would your mother be involved in who you do or do not go to bed with? Are you on the spectrum? (I do not ask that with malice) I find that odd that she would make you promise something like that to be honest.

You say you are working hard on "some exams" Can you not find shared accomodations at school or somewhere near your work?

What are these "circumstances" that led you to move in with him? Did he offer?

I assume you don't know him very well and unfortunately you are in way over your head. How long have you known him?

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented with their wise words. I wanted to give an update on how the situation unfolded.

As many would have guessed, it turned out to be a bad decision. We ended up sleeping together after that a few times. The reason why i did it is because I confused

attraction and expected him to change or to appreciate me more. I ended up just being a baby sitter, mentor, at times cleaning his apartment. I thought he would

see everything I did for him and open up to me. It backfired, he gave me the cold shoulder in the end. This was strange for me because he reads the bible daily,

seemed to listen attentively to me when I spoke about things, and he didnt have any bad habits. It was more about what he wouldnt do. I can count on my fingers

the times he would say hello or thank you. When I spoke to him and told him how I felt I told him it was over he didnt care to express regret or anything.

Eventually i realized that after four children he seemed bitter and resentful toward his wife for not wanting to be in an unhappy union that was based solely on his

desire to fulfill his Christian vows of commitment.

I am going back work soon and plan to move after I sit my exam.

Sorry. Stop being his slave.

You seem pretty clear-headed about it. Sorry you feel guilty. I don't think you did anything wrong. But I do think you should move out ASAP. This man will not make a good partner for you.

Beware wolves in sheep's clothing. This facade of piety is what blinded you. Watch for actions. If it acts like a snake it's a snake. If he's so holy why is he having casual sex with a live-in baby sitter/housekeeper?

This was strange for me because he reads the bible daily. his desire to fulfill his Christian vows of commitment.

I agree with everyone's opinion here, however if you're staying there when he has his kids over, you're both being irresponsible.

In short, I would leave Mr. "Christian" and his "bible" in the dust.

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented with their wise words. I wanted to give an update on how the situation unfolded.

 

As many would have guessed, it turned out to be a bad decision. We ended up sleeping together after that a few times. The reason why i did it is because I confused

 

attraction and expected him to change or to appreciate me more. I ended up just being a baby sitter, mentor, at times cleaning his apartment. I thought he would

 

see everything I did for him and open up to me. It backfired, he gave me the cold shoulder in the end. This was strange for me because he reads the bible daily,

 

seemed to listen attentively to me when I spoke about things, and he didnt have any bad habits. It was more about what he wouldnt do. I can count on my fingers

 

the times he would say hello or thank you. When I spoke to him and told him how I felt I told him it was over he didnt care to express regret or anything.

 

Eventually i realized that after four children he seemed bitter and resentful toward his wife for not wanting to be in an unhappy union that was based solely on his

 

desire to fulfill his Christian vows of commitment.

 

I am going back work soon and plan to move after I sit my exam.

Sorry, their are no Christian vows of commitment -- because you were not married or engaged. He is some dude who got the sweet deal of a chickie who immediately moved in with him - he did not move in with you out of love or commitment. People are not perfect. If he reads the Bible it could be curiosity or he could be Christian, but again, it doesn't mean he is a perfect person. You moved in because you wanted more from him than a roomie. You put yourself out there, cleaned his house, gave him sex, etc and are now upset you have nothing back in return and he is offering exactly what he advertised - a living situation.

you are not a slave -- you are codependent because you expected if you acted like his live in house keeper/mother/sex on demand that you would get a relationship out of him.

This is all on you.

You might not be able to move if you are under stay at home orders, but please don't do anything like this again.