What’s the point of living

I don’t know what to do anymore, but lately the suicidal thoughts don’t stop. They’re more frequent. They come daily.

I was arrested for a theft misdeameanor 5 years ago. I had a withhold of adjudication, but can’t seal or expunge due to another charge I had previously sealed.

I messed up badly, I had two lapses of judgement but one that is seemingly haunting me forever. After the case I went to impulse therapy, I volunteered for a year and a half mentoring and teaching children, teaching English, mentoring, and to various non profits, and I did a lot of personal growth. I truly feel I have paid my debt to society and since then I work even harder than anyone I know, because I know I have to prove myself now. But I keep getting denied jobs and I’m scared to apply to promotions at my job due to the possibility of an updated background check which some promotions need, and if I do apply I could get fired because my job which I’ve had for the last 5 years doesn’t know about it.

I feel so stuck, I feel like I limit my own self from becoming successful because when I do try I get told no. I’m tainted for life. What’s the point of living anymore? My parents bring it up any time they can, I can literally feel their disappointment like a planet on my shoulders. I’m 25 and feel like my life has no more purpose. It doesn’t matter how much volunteer I do and experience I get without pay by volunteering. It feels like I will always have this debt to society no matter what I do.

I’ve never felt this hopeless in my life

Hi givinguponme,

You are no longer who you were five years ago. Whatever you did in the past, stays there. Even if others, like your parents, bring it up.

So, who are you now? Someone who volunteers, teaches English, mentors and works very hard. That's who you are. Someone courageous who is trying their best to get their life together. That's who you are right now.

By the way, your story is honestly empowering. People who are currently struggling need to know that it is possible to turn their life around. You are walking proof of that. As for those no's, they are temporary detours. As Jibralta suggested you might want to seek lawyers to figure this out.

Keep trying and keep moving forward!

That's really frustrating. Have you contacted any lawyers about this? Some do pro-bono work for good causes. If I were in your shoes, I'd find one and talk to them about possible options.

How about you set up your own business? You seem to have a lot of good qualities about yourself now, surely you can create your own job. Also see a lawyer about your record and what can be done about it.

Since you have been through some programs, you will be on record. Get in contact with social services and see if they can help find you someone to talk to. I get it you feel like a failure, and the world is pushing you back. But there are people there to help you get back into society and be as productive as you can be. No one is turning their back on you, you just have to know where to look for help.

I'm sorry for your pain, givinguponme. Make the best of an unfortunate situation. Everyday is a new day. Continue doing the best you can with volunteering, teaching English, mentoring non profits and personal growth will last a lifetime for everyone.

You're only 25 years old. You will not be tainted for life. Chin up. All is not doom and gloom. As you move forward with your life, eventually your criminal record cannot be used against you. There are statutes of limitation with criminal and financial records. Do your research and investigating.

Contact social services and ask them to guide you through the process of reentering society's workforce. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Tell your parents to stop bringing up your past convictions because you are trying your best to continue moving forward with your life. Tell your parents they are not helping you with their snide comments.

Surround yourself with moral friends who will be a a positive and healthy influence on you. Your friends are your future. Don't isolate and seclude yourself. People can give you ideas and they know others who will hire you.

Don't live in the past. You're a new, wiser person now.

I think you have done extremely well for yourself all considered. I think you should be pretty proud. Everyone makes mistakes but not everybody corrects them. You have gone on to correct them so something to be extremely proud of. And when your parents get down on you I would encourage you to change the topic and if they don’t either hang up the phone or leave their presences because there’s no need for them to keep harping.

Thank you to everyone, reading all the replies made me burst out crying. I’ve never felt this much support since this happened.

In Florida, only one “case” is allowed to be sealed so the theft misdemeanor is on my record for life. I have tried doing business with my talents since I’m a photographer as a hobby, though it’s not entirely reliable. I’m also going to school and have 2 years left for my bachelors. To think so many doors have been closed due to my bad choices really gets me down and I’ve developed bad depression and anxiety, but I’m not financially well off which is why I wanted to apply to promotions, as I need to start making more income to start going to a therapist. I keep shutting myself off from everyone and it’s hard for me to open up as no one but my parents and the director of the organization I volunteer at know. I know I’m a great worker and I’m willing to put in 110% in everything I do if given the chance, and I prove it when I volunteer but then I start to hope and look and plan my future then remember the chains I can’t escape from. Reading your replies gives me some hope

First breathe.

If you continue with these thoughts please continue to reach out and know you’re not alone in the world.

There’s no way to sugar coat your limitations though, it’s your reality, but that doesn’t mean your life’s over. First things first you have to forgive yourself, accept what you did, take ownership, and accept the repercussions it’s going to have on your life because there’s no way around that reality it simply is what it is and again no reason to sugar coat it. Just look at it objectively. You have a record, there are millions of others who do as well, some felonies, I know dozens of people who have a past and a record but now have well paying jobs and families and lives and again they have felonies, so again it’s all about perspective.

I think it might be your parents disapproval that’s at the root of your feelings, maybe you all can come together and finally put this behind you all.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, you don’t have to give up, will it be harder for you be someone without a record? Yes! Again no reason to sugar coat you made some bad choices but those choices do not dictate who you are

*not sure why this didn’t post earlier*

Have you considered contacting the National H.I.R.E. Network and ex-offender resource websites, such as FelonyAdvice.com and Jailtojob.com?

If you reach out to programs and resources that can help counsel you and build your confidence, you may learn of opportunities that might moot your fears of applying for a promotion where you are. It's either something you can negotiate with your company if they offer you the job, or, you can weigh the risk of losing your current job against other opportunities you learn about through the services you've contacted.

You'll learn expert suggestions for addressing your record with potential and current employers, while employers benefit by gaining incentives and possible tax credits for hiring rehabilitated people.

I'd consider the resilience of rebuilding my life something I'll want to learn in place of the behaviors that got me into trouble. Reaching out to those who know how to do this would be my first course of action, because going it alone isn't necessary.

Head high, you can do this.