am I reading too much into this?

Hi. I'm a middle aged man and have been in a relationship for about a year. We love each other but something happened a while ago and I don't know if it's a big deal or not. She was on her phone and I saw a text she was looking at from an ex (a guy she dated a couple of times a while ago). They are friends (which isn't a problem for me) but every now and then he'll send a NSFW text to her that is a silly, dirty gif or something like that. What I saw was something that said 'found your thermos' and when it opened a sex toy fell out. She responded with a few laughing emojis and that was it. As far as I know there's no deep conversations or anything like that going on. He sends these every now and then - she said. It doesn't really bother me, I guess. What bothers me is that I would never do that to her. If a female friend/ ex send me something like this, I would say knock it off. Should I be concerned that she keeps responding to these? It seems pretty harmless but maybe I'm an idiot.

It's your personal preference. If it were me, I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend or husband were too chummy with his ex.

Everyone's different. My husband and I are very devoted and loyal to one another with no funny business on the side and it's a mutual agreement. It's out of respect for each other and how we treat each other. We're not old chums with the opposite gender either, don't meet male / female friends for dinner on our own nor go out with them to the theater and the like BECAUSE it's a mutual agreement. We have nothing against what other couples do with their opposite gender friends. It is fine with us whatever other couples do. It's just simply not our style, that's all.

Talk to your girlfriend and tell her that you would not exchange texts with your ex on a regular basis including dirty gifs and the like. It's not your way and you would expect the same exact courtesy. Fair is fair. If you don't like what she does and she refuses to change or compromise with you, then either accept her the way she is habits and all or choose a girlfriend who treats you the way you treat her; with common decency, courtesy and respect.

I think you need to figure out how you actually feel about this. It either bothers you, or it doesn't, though in your post you seem to want to have it both ways. Whether I think you should be concerned or not isn't as important as whether or not you're concerned—which, well, it seems you are.

Boundaries inside relationships aren't fixed, but can change over time, as the relationship changes shape: expanding here, deepening there. Perhaps you once though this was no big deal, but are realizing otherwise? That's allowed, and something to talk to your girlfriend about. Perhaps a chat that has been overdue?

Most adults, I think, would be pretty understanding of their partner not being totally cool with that kind of communication. Can't say it would sit well with me, and I'm way out there in liberal-ville when it comes to such matters.

She only dated him a couple times? As in 2 dates? Or on and off?

I wouldn't be cool with this either. Have you mentioned how you feel?

I wouldn't be cool with this either. Have you mentioned how you feel?

Yes, a while ago (when we started first dating) she told me that he was sending her these things every now and then. I told her that she should tell him to stop since she is in a relationship. I told her that if we were just sitting there talking or watching tv and one of his messages like that popped up, I'd loose my . She said that if she saw something like that on my phone she'd react the same way. Yet, it continues. Guess I have some thinking to do

she told me that they only went on a couple of dates - not on and off

Yes, a while ago (when we started first dating) she told me that he was sending her these things every now and then. I told her that she should tell him to stop since she is in a relationship. I told her that if we were just sitting there talking or watching tv and one of his messages like that popped up, I'd loose my . She said that if she saw something like that on my phone she'd react the same way. Yet, it continues. Guess I have some thinking to do

It sounds like she values the attention more than respecting you. I would reconsider this relationship.

This is not okay.

I would bring this up to her. And ask her to block him from her from her phone.

Don't be stupid and or pretend she is stupid. People who go on a couple dates but never really progress into a relationship but stay in quasi touch for 1 reason:

to keep the connection open as a back burner, future hook up situation or potential future FWB

What else is there? the memes are so funny? come on.

The other thing, if you can't call out this behavior to her and make your feelings about it known, plainly to her, this relationship is not solid.

Middle aged, dating a year, in love... this should be nipped in the bud in a super quick conversation.

Catch her when youre happy together... You put your arms around her, kiss her and while you're looking at each other being connected say something like...

"Something has been bothering me and I want to tell you about it"

" I dont like that guy you dated texting you"

"but its harmless"

"how would you feel if it were me getting texts from a woman?"

"yeah. you're right. I'll block him"

"let's go in the bedroom" [emoji7]

It doesn't have to be a big fight or a big deal. You arent accusing her of anything....

We have to tell our partner what we need and when something bothers us because we love them and we want to be happy together.... its you two together... not you against this guy....

if she knows it bothers you but doesnt stop it. Then that is a separate issue..... and I would take it to mean, my feelings really don't matter and I would end it.

Not after a year and not at this age.... forget that.

Unfortunately you can't control who people's friends are who they chitchat with or what kind of sense of humor they have. You either have to lighten up and looking for reasons to bicker and police and do this injustice collecting or look like a jealous ogre telling her who she can and can't chitchat with. So what? He has locker room humor and she has male friends, get over it.

It sounds like there is something else beneath the surface and focusing this nonsense is a representation of that. Once you start parenting or policing someone you lose respect for yourself and they as well lose respect for you. By the way "what I would/wouldn't do" is another inroad to hell in relationships.

It doesn't really bother me, I guess. What bothers me is that I would never do that to her. If a female friend/ ex send me something like this, I would say knock it off. It seems pretty harmless but maybe I'm an idiot.

Stop looking at her phone. There problem solved.

Just come right out and tell her you don't like it. Don't say anything else but make it clear that you do not like it. See what she does after that. If she still continues to entertain his BS, then tell her outright that you would like her to stop answering him and if she finds that hard to do, then perhaps she should block him so she isn't tempted. If after that she still responds, well then you can decide what you can and can not live with then.

What is NSFW?

So this guy, who she never made it work with for one reason or another, continues to text her but that’s it? Why does she put up with that? He’s disrespecting her —here is this guy who didn’t want to date her seriously, but only wants to text her inappropriate memes even though she is in a relationship, and she is letting him do it. Does he know she’s in a relationship? Did she tell him? Why is she letting this guy disrespect her, and doesn’t care that she disrespects you?

What is NSFW?

Not Safe For Work. It's an advisory that the recipient should probably not open the message at work in case someone else sees it.

What is NSFW?

I was going to ask that too!

I wouldn't be ok with it, either.

I tend to agree with this:

People who go on a couple dates but never really progress into a relationship but stay in quasi touch for 1 reason:

 

to keep the connection open as a back burner, future hook up situation or potential future FWB

 

What else is there? the memes are so funny? come on.

I can see a 20-year old staying in touch 'just as friends,' because at 20, that's what you do.

But middle-aged people generally don't have time for useless friends.

If he's there, he's almost certainly serving as a backburner relationship or future hook-up. Especially if their entire past history consists of a couple of dates.

I'd draw a hard line here.

If they had a years'-long friendship, I would give it a little more leeway--but just a little bit because that NSFW stuff isn't cool.

This hit pretty close to home for me. I'm sorry. I know it's painful and takes away from the trust you have for her. My boyfriend has done this to me. I've caught him 3 times. There are probably other times I don't know about. I've been with him for 2.5 years. It's been eating at me since the first time I caught him, which was about 3 months into our relationship. The most recent time was last weekend when we were at a concert. I turned around to see why he was sitting and he was on WhatsApp messaging some girl he used to work with. I am currently an absolute mess. I would hate for you to feel what I'm feeling. If it's bothering you, talk to her. My hope for you is that she will actually have a conversation with you about it. Mine won't, which makes it that much worse.

I wouldn't be okay with this at all. Who knows why she maintains this "chat." She likes the attention? She is too afraid of hurting his feelings and telling him to stop? I can see her just responding instead of telling him to stop, hoping he will go away eventually; however, this is problematic for you, and you have expressed this, and I feel it is inappropriate to maintain this type of "talk." You say you don't care, but you do. You both have to be on the same page, and if she refuses, your choices are to learn to accept it or move on. This type of situation can fester.

This hit pretty close to home for me. I'm sorry. I know it's painful and takes away from the trust you have for her. My boyfriend has done this to me. I've caught him 3 times. There are probably other times I don't know about. I've been with him for 2.5 years. It's been eating at me since the first time I caught him, which was about 3 months into our relationship. The most recent time was last weekend when we were at a concert. I turned around to see why he was sitting and he was on WhatsApp messaging some girl he used to work with. I am currently an absolute mess. I would hate for you to feel what I'm feeling. If it's bothering you, talk to her. My hope for you is that she will actually have a conversation with you about it. Mine won't, which makes it that much worse.

Why don't you get yourself away from someone that makes you a "mess?" Smh

Why don't you get yourself away from someon ite that makes you a "mess?" Smh

Fair enough. It's not always that easy.

Fair enough. It's not always that easy.

Leaving someone that makes you "a mess" should be THE easiest thing you do IF you've had the same discussion many times but nothing changes. You have to first get your own ducks in a row and understand within that loving someone is never enough to make you happy.

Fair enough. It's not always that easy.

No, its not easy, but he has no respect for you!

Get out now while you are still young, please dont stay & be feeling the same in 5 years time!!!

You deserve so much more than him!