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jul-els

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Hello. Last night, my 83 year old mother fell going up a step and broke her hip. This is a moment I have vaguely knew and feared may one day soon happen and yesterday was that day. She was able to call me and I went to help her and as soon as I saw her I was pretty sure she had broken her hip. But being her stubborn self, she refused to see a doctor and had me instead attempt to help her walk to the bathroom, which didn't go very well.

 

I then told her we would make our way over to the rocking chair and I could pull her in that to the bathroom, which I did. I walked her from the bathroom door up to the toilet which was difficult, but we managed. I then walked out and closed the door and she was able to use the toilet by herself.

 

Once she was done, I then got her back into the rocking chair and I pulled her to her bed. I was able to get her from the chair to where she was sitting on the edge of the bed. I told her again, "I think you need to see a doctor", at which point she agreed with me. I was very surprised at this because my mother is very stubborn, but I knew if she was agreeing with me then her hip probably was broken. I called the paramedics and they took her to the best hospital in our neighborhood.

 

They took pictures at the ER and confirmed a hip fracture. She is scheduled for surgery tomorrow.

 

I am a little bit beside myself at the moment. My mother is poor, as am I more or less, and out of myself and my two other half-siblings, I'm the only one of us that has any kind of relationship with her. My brother has a strained but ok relationship with her, but he is not a very helpful person in general, and my half-sister really can't be bothered to know her mother exists. She takes her to lunch on her birthday and mother's day out of obligation and never speaks to her otherwise at any other time or for any other reason.

 

Which looks like I will be left to deal with my mother's care taking strictly on my own. It will be tough, but I really don't want my brother or sister involved as long as my mother doesn't express an interest for them to be. I work two jobs, one full time and one part time. The part time one I'm thinking I may have to give up in order to care for her. I don't know. I have zero experience with anything like this and I don't know what the prognosis will be once the surgery is completed. It's a bit scary and uncertain at the moment.

 

Other than that, I don't know. Just venting, I guess. If anyone here has any experience with this kind of care taking that could maybe point me in a good direction as to how to get started and what to expect, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

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(( Hugs )) jul-els

 

It's a challenging time and I understand the weight of being that child, the one with left with the responsibility of looking after your aging parent. I was `that' child for both of my parents.

 

It's pretty typical that there is one that steps up when the rest stand back. Resentment tends to build, but it's best overlooked. It serves no purpose at this time and doesn't change the outcome.

 

But in hindsight you wouldn't want it any other way. It's probably one of the more difficult times in your life, but at the same time it's an honor to be there for your mom. You will look back and have a deep appreciation for this time. It may not seem like it at the moment.

 

It doesn't appear there are funds to hire private help but depending on her income, she may very well qualify for state aid. When she has her surgery Medicare will be assessing her needs and taking your participation into her consideration as well.

 

My boyfriends mom had surgery last year. She's a caregiver for her older husband and they both live out of state. My boyfriend was there the entire time she was in the hospital and though they are very stealth about it, social services assessed that she didn't need any home care, because after all, her son from 500 miles away showed up. That translated into him unexpectedly staying for weeks at a time, for the most part of last year. Had he not be so available (as it might appear) no doubt they would have sent home care to help them both. He wouldn't have shirked his responsibility, but help for two parents with challenging needs was necessary, yet denied. It almost did him in.

 

It's a tough time and you need to take care of yourself.

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(( Hugs )) jul-els

 

It's a challenging time and I understand the weight of being that child, the one with left with the responsibility of looking after your aging parent. I was `that' child for both of my parents.

 

It's pretty typical that there is one that steps up when the rest stand back. Resentment tends to build, but it's best overlooked. It serves no purpose at this time and doesn't change the outcome.

 

But in hindsight you wouldn't want it any other way. It's probably one of the more difficult times in your life, but at the same time it's an honor to be there for your mom. You will look back and have a deep appreciation for this time. It may not seem like it at the moment.

 

It doesn't appear there are funds to hire private help but depending on her income, she may very well qualify for state aid. When she has her surgery Medicare will be assessing her needs and taking your participation into her consideration as well.

 

My boyfriends mom had surgery last year. She's a caregiver for her older husband and they both live out of state. My boyfriend was there the entire time she was in the hospital and though they are very stealth about it, social services assessed that she didn't need any home care, because after all, her son from 500 miles away showed up. That translated into him unexpectedly staying for weeks at a time, for the most part of last year. Had he not be so available (as it might appear) no doubt they would have sent home care to help them both. He wouldn't have shirked his responsibility, but help for two parents with challenging needs was necessary, yet denied. It almost did him in.

 

It's a tough time and you need to take care of yourself.

 

Yeah, that doesn't sound good at all. I will be there for her, but if my ship is going to capsize, then there won't be much I can do. There will be a lot for me to sort out, but I'll get through it. I have no wife or kids of my own, so outside of work I do have a fair amount of free time available, especially if I quit the second job, which I don't want to do, but it's an option.

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y brother has a strained but ok relationship with her, but he is not a very helpful person in general, and my half-sister really can't be bothered to know her mother exists. She takes her to lunch on her birthday and mother's day out of obligation and never speaks to her otherwise at any other time or for any other reason.

 

I think you need to relinquish some control, here. Both of your siblings should be informed of the situation. I would not expect much, but if your brother offers to help -- and don't expect him to offer help that minute, take it graciously. Its easy to say someone is the "unhelpful one" and decide to be bristly when they do try to help because it doesn't support your view of them. If your mom has difficult relationships with both of your siblings (btw, is your half sister related through your father or mother - your mom is her stepmom or biological mom. If she is her stepmom - i would go easier on her). I would not play the martyr and quit your part time job. See what happens. Mom may have to go to rehab for awhile. Maybe if you just work 20 hours a week, you can see what care she is entitled through medicare and if she is a member of church, a club or something, maybe there is someone willing to look in on her on top of any home health aid that comes in to allow you to leave the house. I would work like crazy while she is in rehab and then see what you can do about reducing hours and figuring out how she can be alone for 20 hours a week.

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y brother has a strained but ok relationship with her, but he is not a very helpful person in general, and my half-sister really can't be bothered to know her mother exists. She takes her to lunch on her birthday and mother's day out of obligation and never speaks to her otherwise at any other time or for any other reason.

 

I think you need to relinquish some control, here. Both of your siblings should be informed of the situation. I would not expect much, but if your brother offers to help -- and don't expect him to offer help that minute, take it graciously. Its easy to say someone is the "unhelpful one" and decide to be bristly when they do try to help because it doesn't support your view of them. If your mom has difficult relationships with both of your siblings (btw, is your half sister related through your father or mother - your mom is her stepmom or biological mom. If she is her stepmom - i would go easier on her). I would not play the martyr and quit your part time job. See what happens. Mom may have to go to rehab for awhile. Maybe if you just work 20 hours a week, you can see what care she is entitled through medicare and if she is a member of church, a club or something, maybe there is someone willing to look in on her on top of any home health aid that comes in to allow you to leave the house. I would work like crazy while she is in rehab and then see what you can do about reducing hours and figuring out how she can be alone for 20 hours a week.

 

It is my sister's biological mom. But she has never expressed an interest in having any involvement with my mom. I don't know why. There's no bad blood between them that I'm aware of. I think my sister is just very self-centered. My family is not close knit at all. If they do come in and want to help, of course I won't fight it, but I'm hoping they don't. I don't like my sister and my brother is, honestly, very deficient in the department of being helpful. I think their presence will cause more strain than if they're not there, but that's my mom's call to make, not mine.

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One good thing is my mom is pretty damn tough. Always has been. I'm hoping that resilience may serve her well at this time. It very well may. She knows I'm there for her, so I'm sure that is reassuring to her as well.

 

Do what you can to not get yourself burned out on top of it. Accept help where it is given, even if it comes from an unexpected place or from someone you don't like. Also, is she social? Does she have friends willing to sit with her for a bit when needed? Also, grocery delivery is everything in these situations.

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Do what you can to not get yourself burned out on top of it. Accept help where it is given, even if it comes from an unexpected place or from someone you don't like. Also, is she social? Does she have friends willing to sit with her for a bit when needed? Also, grocery delivery is everything in these situations.

 

Good idea on the grocery delivery. And no, my mom is not social, lol. That's actually a very funny comment if you knew my mom.

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I agree with others. Inform your siblings of your mother's plight and don't be afraid to ask for their help to help their mother. You shouldn't have to shoulder the burden alone. Don't be too proud to ask any help at all whether it's dinners for your mother, help at your mother's house, help with bedside care, etc. Never decline their help. Graciously and gratefully accept anything they are willing to give of themselves!

 

Normal protocol is PT (physical therapy) as opposed to remaining sedentary post-op. They want to get her moving so she can heal, recover and rehabilitate faster even at her age. (Same thing with TKR - total knee replacements, too.)

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(((((((hugs))))))))

 

I'm sorry to hear.

 

If you are in the US, look into the Department of Aging, contact your State Senators and Reps offices (look on their websites). There are programs that help with personal care for elderly people. Her physician can also help direct you to resources.

 

Is she associated with any organizations, clubs, religious houses? You definitely want to let those leaders know.

 

People do care and want to help. You have to get the word out there and see what's available. Be her advocate and sign her up for whatever you can... meals on wheels and visiting angels are two organizations I know of that help with meals and cleaning for homebound people in my area

 

Some things do take time to get set up and you'll need to get her financial documentation together to show need etc. Also get ahead of any bills or situations that could prove problematic... For example, if she is in a protected class, she cant be evicted or foreclosed on but you have stay ahead of things and file appropriate paperwork (this might not apply, but just saying, something to think about.)

 

Be organized with the paperwork for her care from the get go. take notes of who you talk to, deadlines and requirements etc. keep in folder or a binder and take with you to her appointments etc.... You'll want to make sure you have receipts for tax deductions purposes or possible future reimbursements.

 

I'd definitely make an effort to tell your siblings and then do best by your mom with or without their help.

 

Hang in there. Let us know how its going....

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Well, I went and visited my mother tonight and she did tell me to call my brother and sister, so I did and they’re now in the loop. It does anger me that they virtually never gave her the time of day, but theoretically we should pull together as a family and be there for our mother and each other. But that’s not what we’re doing. In reality they’re getting a last chance opportunity to assuage their guilt for ignoring her all these many years. But bottom line is my feelings are not important right now. This is about my mom and what’s best for her. I’m scared about her going in to surgery tomorrow and I hope she gets through it okay. If so, then we can take the next steps from there, together as a family.

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I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow and sending good energy your way.

It's so obvious how much you love your mom, and I'm sorry this is happening. It's not easy for stubborn types to trust, and she trusts you, which says a lot. She knows your character and it's good. You are doing great in a really difficult situation. Just want to add my support.

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Try to cast your anger aside and stay focused on you and your siblings helping your mother during her time of need. Once surgery is behind her, it's time for everyone to step up and do the right thing. You are right about pulling together as a family when it counts. jul-els, I'm glad you will have help from your siblings.

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Might she qualify for Medicaid? Medicare will probably provide rehab, but Medicaid (if she qualifies) may provide home care services.

 

Thank you, that’s very helpful and I’ll look into it. I don’t know anything about my mom’s personal business because it’s not something any of us are allowed to ask her about. If we ever attempt to ask her, she gets offended and refuses to talk about it. Which I knew would make things difficult whenever anything like this happened, but now we’ll have figure it out and we will.

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