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Thread: Mental Health got in the way - 3.5 year relationship- Mixed signals

  1. #1

    Mental Health got in the way - 3.5 year relationship- Mixed signals

    My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for three years. We met in college. She was a student from Germany and spent a year in the US together.

    It then became a long-distance relationship for a bit. To give context, we had an unplanned pregnancy, and the child was adopted, but it was something that made us close.

    Although we were different in some ways, we rarely fought, and there was never any abuse of any kind.

    This year in August, I moved in which her. Things were great until my untreated anxiety and depression, of about ten years, started to bother me a lot, and she felt the effect. She felt I was too dependent on her for happiness, which I will admit was true. She was all I had.

    I decided I wanted to go home to get some counseling finally, but she decided for now that we should break up. And that we would visit each other the following spring.

    We did not talk for a month when I finally messaged her. She said she loved me, it happened too fast and I suggested we did not talk for a while again, and she told me she wanted to talk soon. I took this info as too positive and put pressure on her to give me another chance (too early, I agree.) She laid down the law and said I need time to get right, and she needs time alone too.

    Since then, if it ever went too long without hearing from me, she will text me. In December, she started sending me a lot of blushing smileys and texted a lot. This lasted for about two months. I was happily building something up slowly. But one day she wanted to facetime and have a nice conversation, and I blew it.

    I told her I loved her still, and she got all nervous. She told me she still has feelings for me, misses me, wants me to visit, and wants to talk to me all the time, but says right now she does not want to be with me but wants me to visit in the summer. She told me it was never about meeting other people and said she would not be happy if I were with other girls. Keep in mind she is forthright and honest, typical German, haha.

    Most recently, I told her I was going to go no contact for a while, and focus on me. She last responded by telling me to stay strong and sent me a heart.

    It is all so confusing. She texts my mom, that she misses her sends her hearts. Her mom texts me, says they still have my toothbrush in the guest room in case I come back. And She has yet to remove any of my stuff, including pictures of us from her apartment. It has been four months since we broke up.

    What should I do? Where do we stand? Are there chances we can make it work again?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. The best thing you can do for yourself is get to a doctor for an evaluation and a therapist. As far as this former gf, take it slow and focus on yourself.
    Originally Posted by sirdesancti
    This year in August, I moved in which her. Things were great until my untreated anxiety and depression, of about ten years, started to bother me a lot, and she felt the effect. She felt I was too dependent on her for happiness, which I will admit was true. S
    I decided I wanted to go home to get some counseling finally, but she decided for now that we should break up.

  3. #3
    I have been to a doctor, was diagnosed with a mood disorder. I go to therapy and am on meds. I have been getting better for myself, it is still a battle. That is why i stopped talking with her, I could not take the confusion. She says "I do not want to be with you right now," but told me she sees me as a partner in the future. Its like shes testing me to see if i get better.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well, you are apart because YOU need to focus on working out your issues. Instead you are fixated on how to get her back. You can't even begin to get her back until you do what you need to do about your mental health AND you can show her that you have in fact gotten a grip on that. It seems that she cares about you still and knows that it's going to be a long journey for you. That's where you are right now - long past due for you to roll up your sleeves and actually do what you need to do to get better and be better in general. No one person can be ALL you have because everyone will break under that much pressure and need from you.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Just give her space.
    Originally Posted by sirdesancti
    I have been to a doctor, was diagnosed with a mood disorder. I go to therapy and am on meds. She says "I do not want to be with you right now," but told me she sees me as a partner in the future.

  7. #6
    I may not like what you say, and it may hurt. But I do agree with you 100 percent.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well, you are apart because YOU need to focus on working out your issues. Instead you are fixated on how to get her back. You can't even begin to get her back until you do what you need to do about your mental health AND you can show her that you have in fact gotten a grip on that. It seems that she cares about you still and knows that it's going to be a long journey for you. That's where you are right now - long past due for you to roll up your sleeves and actually do what you need to do to get better and be better in general. No one person can be ALL you have because everyone will break under that much pressure and need from you.
    I may not like what you say, and it may hurt. But I do agree with you 100 percent.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent. Just give her space.
    Yep, that is why I made the choice to stop talking with her. She told me she wants to talk to me all the time, but for me that is too much confusion for me right now.

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    Agree with both posters.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sirdesancti
    I may not like what you say, and it may hurt. But I do agree with you 100 percent.
    But the bright side of this difficult journey is that you will come out better, stronger, happier, a better friend, partner and so on. The more you concentrate on rewiring your brain and working with your therapist and also exploring what to do on your own in addition to all that, the faster you'll get there. For right now, she is making it clear to you that she is happy to support that journey from a distance. She is doing right by you in that respect as well. To really do the work you need on yourself, you can't be involved with anyone. It's a solo trip.

    Just wanted to add kudos to you for stepping up and doing it. So many people will just blunder through life and never fix themselves so you are already ahead by many miles here.

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