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Paying for every single date


RKO

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Hi everyone.

 

Just after a bit of advice in my relationship, it's by no means a deal breaker or anything but interested to see what others think.

 

I've been with my girl "officially" about a month now but have been dating since late September.

 

All is good, can't complain about anything, im truely happy with her and vice versa. Life is good.

 

Just recently though I've thought, this girl hasnt paid for anything. We've done the usual dates, cinema, bowling, crazy golf, food out, away for weekends and she's not offered anything apart from valentine's Day she said "I can't let you pay for all this" was a nice meal, I refused as I took her away on a suprise weekend.

 

After that weekend she said next date was on her or a cheap date like a walk or something.

 

I don't mind paying, I'm lucky I have a well paid job that can cover it, plus she is studying whilst working and bringing up a child (has help from family) and I always feel like she's grateful, always says thank you after a date etc.

Just thought she may have offered to buy some drinks or sweets etc in the cinema once.

 

As I said, I'm really lucky I have a well paid job but when will it come to an end with paying for everything? We don't even have expensive tastes either.

 

I also drive everywhere as she can't drive, in past relationships, whoever drove would get treated to the date

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This is interesting...

 

I think if you want her to contribute, you have to accept her offer.... you said she offered, but then you paid.

 

That is definitely saying to the other person you prefer to be the one that pays.

 

Its tricky because old fashioned gender roles. I know some men will say, that is ridiculous. And while I think its fine to share expenses aka go dutch, some guys do like to pay. I have had boyfriends, that ALWAYS assume they are paying.

 

As a rule, I always offer or I do more little gifts... like, I was at the store and I bought the chips you like or I'll cook or bring over some wine... those kinds of things.

 

But! i admit- I'm more apt to do those things... many people think, i offered to pay a couple times and just fall into a habit of now you pay.

 

Next time she offers, TAKE IT!

 

If she doesnt, say something the next time your planning the activity and split the expense.

 

"want to go to the movies? I'll get the tickets, you get the popcorn?"

 

Or the lunch bill comes, "I'll get lunch, you wanna leave the tip?"

 

Remember, you cant complain, if you don't accept her offers to chip in....

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Sorry to hear this. It's an awkward topic to bring up. However if you are building resentment you may want to broach the subject with her. You knew her financial struggles when you met so.... Maybe you are incompatible in the money dept.

 

There is a discrepancy as you are well aware of, but if you are a 50/50 type of guy this is going to be an issue for you. You can't compare a student single parent without a car to your prior relationships. If you are maybe you're not ready to date a struggling single parent.

she is studying whilst working and bringing up a child (has help from family) and I always feel like she's grateful, always says thank you after a date etc. I'm really lucky I have a well paid job but when will it come to an end with paying for everything?

I also drive everywhere as she can't drive, in past relationships, whoever drove would get treated to the date

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I mean....you are talking out of both sides of your mouth here.

 

She offers, you refuse to accept that. Now you are here complaining?? that she doesn't pay for things. You can't have it both ways.

 

She is clearly trying to do something that she can actually afford but you are the one rejecting that. Either start accepting or be genuinely good with picking up the check and keep doing what you've been doing. Again, you can't have it both ways where you reject her plans and take over and then get resentful she doesn't pay for stuff.

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It also comes across that you earn big money.

 

You go large each time, surprise weekends away, dinners out all the time etc

 

She has said to go on a cheaper date or asked to pay. This tells me while she is willing to accept you paying, it is at some level making her uncomfortable.

 

Relationships are about communication, and obviously this is not happening well so far. Perhaps, time to start?

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I'm assuming you were the one who suggested all of these activities. In my relationship, whoever suggests the activity pays for it, and I'm happy that we do this equally.

 

After a month in, sit back and let her suggest getting together for the next time. Maybe she will have you over for dinner. Maybe she will suggest a hike. She's on a tight budget, but should be making an effort into her contribution of asking to get together every other time, even if it's no-cost or low cost events.

 

Perhaps you should come up with low or no-cost activities for now because you say it doesn't bother you to pay for things, but obviously zero effort on her part is effecting how you feel about her. You might mention the next time you do the asking, that you're keeping it at no cost because you're on a budget. It might steer the conversation as to that subject and you might garner more about her financial straits. Or you can suggest two activities, one no cost and another that costs and say, "If we do (the one that costs money), we'll have to go dutch because my money's tight until I get paid again."

 

Gain some knowledge by igniting these conversations. You will have to decide if she's worth the wait to start making more money after she graduates and begins her career, or if you'd rather date someone who matches you financially right now.

 

I imagine that you want to see that even if she did have money, that she wouldn't be a cheapskate and expect more than she gives, regardless. Perhaps more time together, communication, and giving her the chance to make efforts with you will give you the info you need.

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I'm also curious to better understand your dynamic, in terms of who is planning dates and whether some of your frustration here might be less about paying for everything and more about feeling, so to speak, like you're the engine and she's the passenger. It's when we end up feeling like that, often, that we drift into an icky accounting mode: noting to ourselves that we always do the dishes, say, or always pick up the tab.

 

Just as few people want to be the full-time engine, few want to be the full-time passenger. So in your shoes? I'd ask yourself if you have maybe taken on the engine role a bit, as men often will in the early days, and see if you can loosen those reigns a touch so she has a chance to take you out, as the "I can't let you pay for all this" comment may be her communicating a slight discomfort with the very thing that you're slightly uncomfortable with: not the bottom line, exactly, but the weights on each side of the scale.

 

Seems a solid place to start, at least, to see if you're already more on the same page than you realize, and this can level out in a way that is harmonious. Given her current life station, she's not going to be able to go drink for drink, dinner for dinner, wow for wow. But that doesn't mean there can't be a satisfying sense of equality and reciprocity between you two, assuming that may be part of the deeper itch in the back of your mind.

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It is an awkward conversation, for sure. Especially if you start out in the beginning being the "gentleman" and paying for the dates. A woman with awareness and appreciation will pick up on this after the first few times and start offering to help pay. Or, she will insist on splitting the cost from the very beginning. You said she does thank you, so she is aware and appreciative, but it sounds like she just doesn't have the funds to spend in the same way you do.

 

If being generous makes you happy, that's fine, do that and be happy. But if things have now gotten to a point where you feel it's unfair, then you will have to say something. Before your next outing, you can either ask her if the two of you can go dutch or you can bypass that and just put the onus on yourself to start planning dates that are financially less extravagant. Or a combination of both; plan something less expensive and ask her if you can go dutch. All based on what you're honestly the most comfortable with.

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When my husband and I were dating, we went "Dutch" meaning we paid our own way for everything or took turns treating each other to dine out meals, movie tickets, entertainment tickets, etc. We both have good paying jobs so we can afford it. There were no children until years after marriage.

 

Your situation is entirely different. You're dating a single parent who is a student, too. She doesn't have money for dating expenses. Covering drinks and sweets means less for her child. Money is tight.

 

Your circumstances with your girlfriend will not change. Either accept that you are the one who has to reach for your wallet every time you are with her or date a childless woman who has a well paying job and can afford to pay her own way or take turns treating each other to meals, entertainment tickets, beverages and desserts. Same thing with transportation. You will always have to drive unless you date a childless, employed woman who will take turns driving you in her car as I did for my then boyfriend (now husband).

 

She has limited means so naturally her dates with you will be reduced to walks and parks. Grow accustomed to this arrangement. She has a lot on her plate as a single parent and she's a student. Her time and money are severely limited. You have options and choices whereas she doesn't. It's something to think about.

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I think it's pretty clear that you will be paying for almost everything and driving too. You've been dating since September, and she hasn't even offered candy or gas or to make you a meal or plan a date once? That'd be all the info I need to know.

I'll say too I don't agree with starting off how you did, with you continuing to treat endlessly without an offer back. It's not about money really but looking at reciprocation. I don't think she can give you that. Everything doesn't have to totally square but she should be contributing something.

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It seems to me you guys communicate a bit differently. She offered to pay, you refused. Did you hope she would insist?

 

I've met some people who initially refuse someone's offer to pay the bill merely out of politeness, hoping the other person will insist again. They are surprised that I don't insist back. If someone refuses the first time I offer to pay the bill, I let that be. From what you mentioned she seems to be that way, too. She has told you outright that she was willing to pay for something but you refused.

 

Therefore, if you are seeking reciprocation (whether financial or otherwise), you need to directly communicate this to her. None of this "You don't need to, but it would be nice." politeness. She mentioned that the next date is on her, so let's see how that plays out.

 

By the way, in my experience, keeping account on who paid what is the culprit for possible disaster down the line or suggests there's some deeper issue causing dissatisfaction. So, it's best to stop keeping score.

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Thanks everyone for your input.

 

Just to clear up a few general questions

 

1: I turned down her offer to pay because it was valentine's Day, I took her away for the weekend, I wanted to pay.

 

2: we both suggests our dates, like today we are going to the cinema then for food after, here in the UK the weather is horrible at the minute so we have to do indoor things.

 

3: please don't think I'm holding this against her, I'm not, at all, I understand her situation, but the other day She spent a lot of money on a puppy.

It's an awkward one to bring up

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She's a single mother, no? Why not let her pay/plan when she can rather than build up grudges and start mentally doing her accounting and keeping score.

the other day She spent a lot of money on a puppy.
Sorry but you had issues with her from the beginning. It sounds like you are nitpicking because you're just not sure you want to be in a relationship with her or perhaps at all.

I'm not feeling on cloud 9, my last couple of GFs when we have become exclusive I was beaming, now whilst I feel happy there is a part of me that's sad/worried for the future and change. I've been very content being single, I've got used to that life and like it, sure there are times I was a bit lonely and sad but it was nice being a free spirit and doing what I like etc.

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To repeat what Dancing said - you're talking out both sides....She's wonderful, but she doesn't pay, it doesn't bother me, but she doesn't pay, she did offer to pay on Valentine's but I didn't want her to, and she hasn't paid, it doesn't bother me, but she doesn't pay, I'm keeping track, but it doesn't bother me, by the way, she hasn't paid....

 

Pull it together and stop with the Mr Nice routine. You can say all the right things to yourself until the simmering turns into a complete meltdown at some point soon. Just a massive, relationship-ending random outburst of resentment pointed at her that she hasn't paid. That is what happens when you try to pretend all is fine. And it will seem very random to her since none of this appears to have been communicated.

 

So, if you want this relationship to have a chance to continue, you will have to communicate some alternatives about the dates. It's not an easy conversation but at least be real about it so you both have an opportunity to find some solutions.

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Pull it together and stop with the Mr Nice routine.

 

Can't disagree with this.

 

You are allowed to be annoyed and concerned about this, to want something of an adjustment to pave the way for greater harmony. No point pretending otherwise, in beginning a sentence saying you completely understand her situation and ending it with a raised eyebrow about a puppy.

 

I'd probably be annoyed and concerned in your shoes as well. I'd also struggle with how to handle it. I'm sorry, but at least to my ears someone saying "I can't let you pay for this" is not an offer to pay, unless it's being said while someone is grabbing the bill from the waiter, handing over their credit card, and sweetly and generously taking the reigns. You'd be hard pressed to find a dude, especially on Valentine's Day, who would let the check hover in the middle of the table while saying, "No problem, because I can happily let you pay."

 

The good news, at least potentially, is that her comment revealed that she, like you, is somewhat uncomfortable with your financial dynamic. So before having some kind of micro-summit on all this, I would just see if things shift with some mellower, more affordable dates, and by being honest with yourself that you want that shift, need it for things to keep running smoothly. If she is genuinely uncomfortable with you paying for everything, after all, she will pay more or find some way to "contribute"—for herself and her own contentment, as much as a gesture of reciprocity. People, at least in my experience, want to feel like equals.

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I used to date a guy who paid for everything. Even when he and I went to Walmart together, he would pay for my household items and the things I was picking up for my kids. At no time did I even indicate I expected him to pay. I even used the rubber divider thingy to separate the things I planned to buy from the things he planned to buy. He removed the divider thingy and told the cashier everything was together. Once I offered to buy him dinner and he vehemently declined. So, knowing him for a bit and knowing he had kind of a man does this and woman does that mindset, I asked him if he took it as a personal insult if I offered to pay. I asked him if he thought I was implying he didn't have the money. He admitted that yes, he felt like I was telling him he wasn't a man, that he was struggling financially and that he needed ME to pay because he couldn't. That couldn't have been further from the truth, but he had preconceived ideas and had trouble thinking differently.

 

Maybe she thinks you WANT to pay, particularly if you have insisted in the past or if you're in the habit of taking her to pricey places.

 

And yes, you say it's not a big deal but then you bring up the puppy. You ARE resentful and if you want to continue dating this woman then either a conversation or a mindset change is in order.

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we both suggests our dates, like today we are going to the cinema then for food after, here in the UK the weather is horrible at the minute so we have to do indoor things.

 

So she'll suggest a date but then won't reach for her purse or say she will pay? Are you going to broach the subject as per the suggestions you've received so far? You haven't commented on those suggestions. Bottled up resentment will eventually come out, and usually in a very bad way. Yes, there are many awkward conversations you will have to experience with a partner, but if a partnership is strong enough and you communicate properly, the relationship will continue. If it doesn't, she isn't the right person for you.

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This incompatibility....why are you dating someone who doesn't drive or has a generous wallet? The dynamic is all wrong for you. You enjoy a relationship of equality...she's not your equal. And don't give me that "I do have a good paying job"....this really bothers you. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. It's simple, you are with the wrong girl. It's early days, and you already have issues...not good.

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This incompatibility....why are you dating someone who doesn't drive or has a generous wallet? The dynamic is all wrong for you. You enjoy a relationship of equality...she's not your equal. And don't give me that "I do have a good paying job"....this really bothers you. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. It's simple, you are with the wrong girl. It's early days, and you already have issues...not good.

 

I agree with that ^^^ but I would say that before you call the relationship quits (because you do enjoy being with her) that you talk to her about her planning the next date and actually paying for it. All you have to do is say "its your turn to treat me next time, babe. I look forward to what you plan" and then kiss her.

 

If after that she does nothing then you can decide if you want to continue to be "Daddy Warbucks." DO NOT say "I'll get this" or "No you don't have to pay" or anything of the ilk. You want to stop being her wallet so put a stop to it through communication for goodness sakes.

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I would say that before you call the relationship quits (because you do enjoy being with her) that you talk to her about her planning the next date and actually paying for it. All you have to do is say "its your turn to treat me next time, babe. I look forward to what you plan" and then kiss her.

 

Speaking for myself, here would be my bind with the above: If I had to have that conversation, at this stage, I wouldn't want to keep dating. I just wouldn't want to be a man who had to say "It's your turn to treat me, babe."

 

That's probably why, if I was still more hopeful and curious than itchy and resentful, I'd look at my own actions—have I been quick to pay? have I been trying to show a bit too much affection through my credit card?—and make a little space to see if things balanced out.

 

It's a bit like dancing—or, well, like sex. You adjust your rhythm a bit, your own flow, to learn more about another's flow and see how you flow together. If that doesn't work—yeah, you can have a little talk about dance steps, even playfully, or you can ask if your dancing with the right person.

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Speaking for myself, here would be my bind with the above: If I had to have that conversation, at this stage, I wouldn't want to keep dating. I just wouldn't want to be a man who had to say "It's your turn to treat me, babe."
Well, then clearly the relationship would have not been that important to you or you were on the verge already of finding out that it wasn't a union that you could withstand for a lifetime. That's cool, just advising Op if he does want to continue with her then he needs to speak up. You can't go through a relationship not being able to communicate with your partner. That dynamic only causes resentment and resentment causes one to start not respecting the person you're not communicating with. Unfortunately, too many people tend to think that their unvoiced expectations should automatically be accepted and remedied.

 

If nothing changes after voicing one's expectations, well then you know that you're best to exit stage left and you'll be doing so knowing that the person you are with can't be bothered making you feel as valued as you've been trying your best to make them feel.

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