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Thread: Paying for every single date

  1. #11
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    It is an awkward conversation, for sure. Especially if you start out in the beginning being the "gentleman" and paying for the dates. A woman with awareness and appreciation will pick up on this after the first few times and start offering to help pay. Or, she will insist on splitting the cost from the very beginning. You said she does thank you, so she is aware and appreciative, but it sounds like she just doesn't have the funds to spend in the same way you do.

    If being generous makes you happy, that's fine, do that and be happy. But if things have now gotten to a point where you feel it's unfair, then you will have to say something. Before your next outing, you can either ask her if the two of you can go dutch or you can bypass that and just put the onus on yourself to start planning dates that are financially less extravagant. Or a combination of both; plan something less expensive and ask her if you can go dutch. All based on what you're honestly the most comfortable with.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    When my husband and I were dating, we went "Dutch" meaning we paid our own way for everything or took turns treating each other to dine out meals, movie tickets, entertainment tickets, etc. We both have good paying jobs so we can afford it. There were no children until years after marriage.

    Your situation is entirely different. You're dating a single parent who is a student, too. She doesn't have money for dating expenses. Covering drinks and sweets means less for her child. Money is tight.

    Your circumstances with your girlfriend will not change. Either accept that you are the one who has to reach for your wallet every time you are with her or date a childless woman who has a well paying job and can afford to pay her own way or take turns treating each other to meals, entertainment tickets, beverages and desserts. Same thing with transportation. You will always have to drive unless you date a childless, employed woman who will take turns driving you in her car as I did for my then boyfriend (now husband).

    She has limited means so naturally her dates with you will be reduced to walks and parks. Grow accustomed to this arrangement. She has a lot on her plate as a single parent and she's a student. Her time and money are severely limited. You have options and choices whereas she doesn't. It's something to think about.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I think it's pretty clear that you will be paying for almost everything and driving too. You've been dating since September, and she hasn't even offered candy or gas or to make you a meal or plan a date once? That'd be all the info I need to know.
    I'll say too I don't agree with starting off how you did, with you continuing to treat endlessly without an offer back. It's not about money really but looking at reciprocation. I don't think she can give you that. Everything doesn't have to totally square but she should be contributing something.

  4. #14
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    It seems to me you guys communicate a bit differently. She offered to pay, you refused. Did you hope she would insist?

    I've met some people who initially refuse someone's offer to pay the bill merely out of politeness, hoping the other person will insist again. They are surprised that I don't insist back. If someone refuses the first time I offer to pay the bill, I let that be. From what you mentioned she seems to be that way, too. She has told you outright that she was willing to pay for something but you refused.

    Therefore, if you are seeking reciprocation (whether financial or otherwise), you need to directly communicate this to her. None of this "You don't need to, but it would be nice." politeness. She mentioned that the next date is on her, so let's see how that plays out.

    By the way, in my experience, keeping account on who paid what is the culprit for possible disaster down the line or suggests there's some deeper issue causing dissatisfaction. So, it's best to stop keeping score.

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  6. #15
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    Thanks everyone for your input.

    Just to clear up a few general questions

    1: I turned down her offer to pay because it was valentine's Day, I took her away for the weekend, I wanted to pay.

    2: we both suggests our dates, like today we are going to the cinema then for food after, here in the UK the weather is horrible at the minute so we have to do indoor things.

    3: please don't think I'm holding this against her, I'm not, at all, I understand her situation, but the other day She spent a lot of money on a puppy.
    It's an awkward one to bring up

  7. #16
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    That's crazy. A female should contribute at least 30 percent of the costs. It's only fair.

    You're acting like a sugar daddy right now.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She's a single mother, no? Why not let her pay/plan when she can rather than build up grudges and start mentally doing her accounting and keeping score.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    the other day She spent a lot of money on a puppy.
    Sorry but you had issues with her from the beginning. It sounds like you are nitpicking because you're just not sure you want to be in a relationship with her or perhaps at all.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    I'm not feeling on cloud 9, my last couple of GFs when we have become exclusive I was beaming, now whilst I feel happy there is a part of me that's sad/worried for the future and change. I've been very content being single, I've got used to that life and like it, sure there are times I was a bit lonely and sad but it was nice being a free spirit and doing what I like etc.

  9. #18
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    To repeat what Dancing said - you're talking out both sides....She's wonderful, but she doesn't pay, it doesn't bother me, but she doesn't pay, she did offer to pay on Valentine's but I didn't want her to, and she hasn't paid, it doesn't bother me, but she doesn't pay, I'm keeping track, but it doesn't bother me, by the way, she hasn't paid....

    Pull it together and stop with the Mr Nice routine. You can say all the right things to yourself until the simmering turns into a complete meltdown at some point soon. Just a massive, relationship-ending random outburst of resentment pointed at her that she hasn't paid. That is what happens when you try to pretend all is fine. And it will seem very random to her since none of this appears to have been communicated.

    So, if you want this relationship to have a chance to continue, you will have to communicate some alternatives about the dates. It's not an easy conversation but at least be real about it so you both have an opportunity to find some solutions.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by James516
    Pull it together and stop with the Mr Nice routine.
    Can't disagree with this.

    You are allowed to be annoyed and concerned about this, to want something of an adjustment to pave the way for greater harmony. No point pretending otherwise, in beginning a sentence saying you completely understand her situation and ending it with a raised eyebrow about a puppy.

    I'd probably be annoyed and concerned in your shoes as well. I'd also struggle with how to handle it. I'm sorry, but at least to my ears someone saying "I can't let you pay for this" is not an offer to pay, unless it's being said while someone is grabbing the bill from the waiter, handing over their credit card, and sweetly and generously taking the reigns. You'd be hard pressed to find a dude, especially on Valentine's Day, who would let the check hover in the middle of the table while saying, "No problem, because I can happily let you pay."

    The good news, at least potentially, is that her comment revealed that she, like you, is somewhat uncomfortable with your financial dynamic. So before having some kind of micro-summit on all this, I would just see if things shift with some mellower, more affordable dates, and by being honest with yourself that you want that shift, need it for things to keep running smoothly. If she is genuinely uncomfortable with you paying for everything, after all, she will pay more or find some way to "contribute"—for herself and her own contentment, as much as a gesture of reciprocity. People, at least in my experience, want to feel like equals.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I used to date a guy who paid for everything. Even when he and I went to Walmart together, he would pay for my household items and the things I was picking up for my kids. At no time did I even indicate I expected him to pay. I even used the rubber divider thingy to separate the things I planned to buy from the things he planned to buy. He removed the divider thingy and told the cashier everything was together. Once I offered to buy him dinner and he vehemently declined. So, knowing him for a bit and knowing he had kind of a man does this and woman does that mindset, I asked him if he took it as a personal insult if I offered to pay. I asked him if he thought I was implying he didn't have the money. He admitted that yes, he felt like I was telling him he wasn't a man, that he was struggling financially and that he needed ME to pay because he couldn't. That couldn't have been further from the truth, but he had preconceived ideas and had trouble thinking differently.

    Maybe she thinks you WANT to pay, particularly if you have insisted in the past or if you're in the habit of taking her to pricey places.

    And yes, you say it's not a big deal but then you bring up the puppy. You ARE resentful and if you want to continue dating this woman then either a conversation or a mindset change is in order.

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