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Thread: No Contact Seemed to Work But.....

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ChristisLord
    We just had an argument the night before and she was kind of cold about the whole thing and I was just upset and told her I felt like she was just using me and didn't love me. I know better than that, but after I talked to later that day she basically said, "there's little things that never really bothered me about you, but now they do and I'm just not happy." She told me she just needed a day to herself to regroup and me being an idiot aggravated her to death on that day trying to apologize and make her feel better. I said something to the effect of, "this is really bothering me and I just want to know everything is alright." She then told me she was done. I went to her house after work and begged and that made it worse.

    This relationship is the strongest I've ever had and she has multiple times told me the same thing on her own. She has repeatedly told me there was no-one like me. All our feelings were mutual and just over one fight I can't believe its over. I know if I had left her alone on that one day she would've cooled down and been okay. I'm hoping she'll still do that.
    Well....here is the thing....

    Strong healthy relationships do not fall apart over an argument or even over one or the other saying something they don't really mean.

    What you've found out is that the moment your relationship hit some turbulence, it tanked faster than a falling rock. Mostly due to poor conflict resolution skills on both sides. It's not just you being pushy, it's also her and the way she is behaving. Childish tantrums definitely come to mind when reading your posts.

    I can't tell you if this is really over for good or not, but what I can tell you is that you both definitely need to cool down. After you've cooled down, then see if you can actually meet up and have a more mature conversation about what happened. If she refuses and continues to jerk you around, then you do need to accept the reality that you simply cannot live happily ever after with a person who cannot communicate properly and would rather jerk you around with tears while refusing to talk.

    Unfortunately, at 6-8 months is when the shine of the new relationship starts to wear off and you start encountering conflict, how you both handle that, start noticing what you don't actually like about the person. It's a time when some relationships do fall apart because you realize that this person is not quite as great as they seemed earlier.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well....here is the thing....

    Strong healthy relationships do not fall apart over an argument or even over one or the other saying something they don't really mean.

    What you've found out is that the moment your relationship hit some turbulence, it tanked faster than a falling rock. Mostly due to poor conflict resolution skills on both sides. It's not just you being pushy, it's also her and the way she is behaving. Childish tantrums definitely come to mind when reading your posts.

    I can't tell you if this is really over for good or not, but what I can tell you is that you both definitely need to cool down. After you've cooled down, then see if you can actually meet up and have a more mature conversation about what happened. If she refuses and continues to jerk you around, then you do need to accept the reality that you simply cannot live happily ever after with a person who cannot communicate properly and would rather jerk you around with tears while refusing to talk.

    Unfortunately, at 6-8 months is when the shine of the new relationship starts to wear off and you start encountering conflict, how you both handle that, start noticing what you don't actually like about the person. It's a time when some relationships do fall apart because you realize that this person is not quite as great as they seemed earlier.
    How long do you recommend cooling down? Should I initiate contact with her after a certain amount of time and have a civil conversation? Should I wait on her?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ChristisLord
    How long do you recommend cooling down? Should I initiate contact with her after a certain amount of time and have a civil conversation? Should I wait on her?
    In your shoes, I'd just ask her if she is willing to meet up in a couple of days to talk in person. If she says no, then I'd be done and go NC for real and permanently.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    In your shoes, I'd just ask her if she is willing to meet up in a couple of days to talk in person. If she says no, then I'd be done and go NC for real and permanently.
    Thank you for the advice! I may wait a week or so just so I won't be so emotional when we meet. What gets me is she has to be having the same type of "withdrawal" symptoms I'm having. A week ago we were just excited to be around each other. I guess that's why she called me that night. Maybe she knows she wants to leave but she's still going through what I am too.
    Last edited by ChristisLord; 02-28-2020 at 11:53 AM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ChristisLord
    Thank you for the advice! I may wait a week or so just so I won't be so emotional when we meet. What gets me is she has to be having the same type of "withdrawal" symptoms I'm having. A week ago we were just excited to be around each other. I guess that's why she called me that night. Maybe she knows she wants to leave but she's still going through what I am too.
    There is no exact time line. It has been my experience, that all relationships are GREAT until they are not. Same with partners. Do not allow the good times to blind you from current actions.

    As many have said, you're at the point in time where, the shine wears off. Her ability to communicate and handle controversy, says more about who she is, than any happy time can.

    There is a withdrawal period at the end of any relationship. We all are creatures of habit and resist change. But get real, when you are broken up, you are just that. There's no checking on each other. She can't complain you are not meeting her expectations. There are no expectations. You are broken up.

    Exceptions would include, if there were children, between you. But there aren't.....You have every right to just stop communicating all together and move on for yourself.

    And that could happen, while you focus on maintaining no contact. Emotions are just fears... fears that you will be alone or that made a mistake.... but lean on your faith (assuming you have some, based on your user id).

    Things do have a way of working themselves out, but its on each of us to make good choices...

    Personal relationships should flow easily and conflicts should be addressed with open communication and respect for each other. When you don't have that, its hard to move forward.

    Life is difficult enough. And some things you just can't explain to people. If their coping mechanism is anger, hitting below the belt, being manipulative ... you can't battle that with kindness.

    They will use your kindness against you. And thats why you have to remove yourself. When you see these red flags in others. because you're just not dealing on the same level. And they may never level up.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Reset your brain and when you go NC for real, stick to it. For courtesy's sake, text her that this is FINAL and you will permanently go NC with her. Next, ignore her, ghost, block and delete.

    Don't be tempted to go against your agreement. Don't text nor call.

    Make a clean break. It's over.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly that all can change on a dime as it did when you accused her of "using you and not loving you". It sounds like the fight was a lot of tensions building and that you were pressuring her. Perhaps she didn't want sex, perhaps empty marriage talk etc, who knows. But now she is rethinking the entire relationship as a result.
    Originally Posted by ChristisLord
    A week ago we were just excited to be around each other.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sadly that all can change on a dime as it did when you accused her of "using you and not loving you". It sounds like the fight was a lot of tensions building and that you were pressuring her. Perhaps she didn't want sex, perhaps empty marriage talk etc, who knows. But now she is rethinking the entire relationship as a result.
    Neither of us wanted sex honestly, we're both Christians and I definitely didn't pressure her into marriage talk because she was the one that was always sending me pictures of rings. She instigated the marriage talk.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think what you're starting to see—without quite wanting to see it—is that this connection is a lot less mature and more hysterical than either of you believed it to be. This is a thing that happens, very often around 6 months, and it stings.

    But as others have said, if it takes one dumb comment to blow up the house—well, how sturdy was the house? Is it really one where you can make a home? I would try to look at it that way, just in the space of your mind, rather than using all that space to obsess about her, since it's kind of both your obsessive natures that are heating everything up when it just needs to cool down.

    If you need to be perfectly awesome for a relationship to be harmonious, you are in a relationship with an expiration date, since humans are a species immune to being perfectly awesome all the time. It's what makes us interesting, if very frustrating at times. There is nothing more comforting inside a relationship—particularly if you're using words like marriage—than knowing that conflict can be resolved without it feeling like Eden just became the Inferno.

    Is this the end? Maybe, maybe not. Time knows that answer more than either of you, and certainly more than us internet people. Doesn't look great, though, from where I sit, since it seems like neither of you can sit with a little discomfort without needing the other one to solve it, soften it. In a matter of seconds, you've each become the hot burner that the other can't help but touch. Those little burns are exciting, because feeling anything powerful is exciting, and that can extend things a bit. But burns, in the end, are burns. They hurt more than they do anything else, so be honest about the feelings you are each instigating in the other after not knowing each other for a very long time in the scheme of life.

  11. #20
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    You've just discovered that your relationship was actually pretty flimsy.

    One argument should generally not be enough to destroy a truly healthy and strong relationship. What I am sensing is that you two were very caught up in the honeymoon phase and all the flowery thoughts and words that go with it. She in particularly sounds in love with the idea of love, if she was already sending you ring photos at just 6 months. But peeling back the pretty paper, the true substance of the relationship was not particularly developed and you two are discovering incompatibilities.

    Think about it: it wasn't all fine and dandy if you told her you felt used. That comment, even if off-the-cuff, came from somewhere. So what was it that led you to fire that shot? What issues were you noticing between you and her?

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