A guy with a lot of problems

I met a guy in November who is going through a divorce (almost done, he said). We got close very quickly and he even cane to my mom’s house for Christmas. I met some of his friends too.

Since that time a lot of bad things have happened: His dad was diagnosed with metastatic cancer.

1/3 of his company was laid off and he’s worried his job is in danger too.

He developed a vocal polyp that won’t go away and his job involves a lot of teaching.

The house he’s still living in with the separated wife isn’t selling, delaying the divorce.

Two and a half weeks ago he told me had just “had it” and wanted to “cave” which he defined as coming up with solutions to his problems. I offered to listen and support him if I could but he said he was capable of taking care of things on his own. I said go ahead.

I am awfully hurt as I’ve heard nothing since then but I’m not sure I should say anything. I do feel a lot of compassion for what he’s dealing with and I know none of it is made up.

Should I ask him to let me know if he doesn’t intend to talk to me again or just let him be? I know it was dumb to take up with someone not yet divorced but I hadn’t had that kind of chemistry with anyone in a long time.

Thanks for reading.

Chemistry is the easy part. It's only a starting point, but everything else has to come into play, like all of the other important must-haves.

If I'd been dating someone for 4 months and he all of sudden he went 17 days without calling me, I certainly wouldn't let the decision be his that we continue on if he decided he all of a sudden he wanted to speak to me again. I'm the driver of my own life, and a guy who would do this to me isn't worthy of me or my precious time.

I would run. Not to sound harsh, but these are all things you DO not want to get involved with. You have to remember and ask yourself, why would you want to be with someone who is clearly not ready to give you everything YOU need in a relationship. I've done this many times myself and got burned every single time when it came time for the person I invested in, loved etc... to reciprocate. Don't make the same mistake. Regardless of your feelings for him. Find someone who meets your needs.

This is not good.

For starters, it is never a good idea to date someone who is going through, or is recently out of a divorce. They are in no place to allow someone in their heart- I would not date someone that had not been divorced for several years.

The thing with his dad is awful. And, his health is compromised. And, all the other issues.

I think you should move on, and please do not try to be his friend or support system. He will drain you dry.

Sorry about this. Whatever the circumstances, it is really hard when things start out great and take a quick turn. That said, this seems to be turning, not in a great direction, and it sounds like the forces are much, much bigger than you. Be honest about that, hard as it is. All we ever get from people is whatever they have to give us, so ask yourself: Is this enough?

One thing I'm curious about: Have you reached out at all during the past 2.5 weeks and heard nothing, or have you just been waiting to hear from him?

I think you should move on. This guy is no position to be dating anyone given what you have said. Find a guy who doesnt have so many issues and problems. Also, dont date some guy who is not actually truly divorced.

The fact he's living with his alleged ex wife is a red flag. You should wake up and see that none of this is good for you.

I agree with others. This guy has so many insurmountable problems that he has NO brain space and energy left for you. He is at his breaking point and pushed over the edge.

Whenever people are miserable, they're so overwhelmed that they cannot devote and give when their tank is empty. They're drained.

Let him go because he's letting you go with his non-action that his relationship with you has ended. Get his message which is, there is no relationship, period.

You can still have compassion, pray for him from afar and wish him well while letting him live his own life and deal with his own problems.

No, don't bother him. Leave him alone. He needs to sort his own life out and cope the best he can.

In the future, it will be an easier relationship for you when you're with a man who has a relatively smooth life. Naturally, he'll have time, support and energy for you when his life is stable and normal. Just saying . . .

Yeah this guy is in a position where he shod not be dating. Chemistry isn't enough.

I'd block and delete and move onto a more suitable guy.

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Sadly you are dating a married man living with his wife. He is giving you all the typical excuses. Unless he's paying you $200/hr you should not be listening to his divorce stories or "supporting him". He can pay his therapist and attorney for that. Cut him out of your life and you'll be a lot happier. He just wanted a quick pump and dump fling. Sorry.

The house he’s still living in with the separated wife isn’t selling, delaying the divorce.

I agree with others. This guy has so many insurmountable problems that he has NO brain space and energy left for you. He is at his breaking point and pushed over the edge.

 

Whenever people are miserable, they're so overwhelmed that they cannot devote and give when their tank is empty. They're drained.

 

Let him go because he's letting you go with his non-action that his relationship with you has ended. Get his message which is, there is no relationship, period.

 

You can still have compassion, pray for him from afar and wish him well while letting him live his own life and deal with his own problems.

 

No, don't bother him. Leave him alone. He needs to sort his own life out and cope the best he can.

 

In the future, it will be an easier relationship for you when you're with a man who has a relatively smooth life. Naturally, he'll have time, support and energy for you when his life is stable and normal. Just saying . . .

I like that advice - that's perfect. I agree. When people have their life together, they're much happier, have more to give, and YOU'LL be much happier.

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Sadly you are dating a married man living with his wife. He is giving you all the typical excuses. Unless he's paying you $200/hr you should not be listening to his divorce stories or "supporting him". He can pay his therapist and attorney for that. Cut him out of your life and you'll be a lot happier. He just wanted a quick pump and dump fling. Sorry.

This is true, sorry to say. I went out on a date with a guy who I met online, and during the date, right as our food came, he said that he was still living with his wife because of "finances" but they were separated-- I almost choked. No where on his profile did he say he was "married" or "separated" or anything... I just assumed, since he was on a dating site, that he was single. Anyway, I politely finished my meal and wine and left, and blocked him. You don't need this. Find someone who is not attached. It's ok if someone has a couple problems, we all do, but don't go with a guy who is still living with his wife and who is burying you with his problems. During these beginning few months, relationships should be fun, and there should be no problems. Tell him to go talk to his priest or therapist. And you need to get the heck out of there.

I agree with the others, just stay away. You havent heard from him and that's probably because his life is a mess! He has nothing to give and chasing after him will only hurt you in the long run.

Its hard, when your dating. That elusive chemistry is so sweet, but you're selling yourself short. I try to visualize the life I want: my lifestyle, work life balance, type of relationship...

Do you really want to live a life that is completely focused on a guy, that you really don't know, but because he"s in crisis mode, none of your needs are being met AND ON TOP OF THAT, you don't even know the guy well enough, to know, if he would do the same for you?

Its really giving too much

Hi, no I haven’t tried. If he were in normal life circumstances I would have pushed for closure. Probably would have told him he’s an too!

He had bad anxiety before all the additional stuff happened so I don’t want to pile on even more things to deal with. I want him to get better.

Hi, no I haven’t tried. If he were in normal life circumstances I would have pushed for closure. Probably would have told him he’s an too!

He had bad anxiety before all the additional stuff happened so I don’t want to pile on even more things to deal with. I want him to get better.

What do you mean by insisting on closure? He told you all that is going on in his life and sounds from your original post that he told you that he is falling apart and that he needs to go deal with his issues. You offered to help, he declined. You told him to go ahead and deal with his life. That reads to me as you talked and split mutually.

He is not divorced, he is not even separated as he is still living with his wife, they can't even get a divorce until they sell the house (assuming they are even divorcing and he isn't just cheating), then you have all the other stuff with his dad, his job, his health - I mean that is your closure. This person is not in any shape or form to be involved with anyone. You admit yourself that you know better but got pulled in by just chemistry and that's fine. You had what you know was going to be temporary fun and so it was.

Hi, no I haven’t tried. If he were in normal life circumstances I would have pushed for closure. Probably would have told him he’s an too!

He had bad anxiety before all the additional stuff happened so I don’t want to pile on even more things to deal with. I want him to get better.

I understand your need for him to want to get better because you are a caring person, I get it, and I would probably feel the same. BUT he just took off with no notice, didn't even bother to say a word to you. I'm sorry this is harsh, but I'm only saying this because I want you to get over him quickly and move on to someone who is more deserving of your love: Do you really think he is even thinking about you at all? He sounds like a selfish mofo, so deep in his problems that he can't even think of anyone else. So don't waste your brain and energy thinking of him. Take your energy and aim it towards finding a new guy who is more deserving of you!

who is going through a divorce (almost done, he said).

This is the worst time to deal with someone, regardless of how long he's been separated. He's got a lot on his plate and even more is being stirred up by trying to finalize a divorce.

Don't set yourself up for rebound rejections by dating anyone who's newly broken up, separated, mid-divorce or not 6 months (at very least) to a year beyond their divorce.

Nobody is stabilized after a LTR or marriage breakup, regardless of what they say. Messing with that will break your heart. Have you noticed?

Instead, you can preserve future potential by saying, "I really like you and can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away now while we both still think highly of one another. You get to settle your unfinished business, and if you ever find yourself healed and free and clear of old ghosts, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."

Head high, and look out for yourself by screening responsibly.

Ok they have doctors and therapist for that. Even if you have over-invested in this, it's never too soon to cut your losses. Keep in mind he brought some of this upon himself by dating while living with his wife.

He had bad anxiety before all the additional stuff happened so I don’t want to pile on even more things to deal with. I want him to get better.

 

Instead, you can preserve future potential by saying, "I really like you and can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away now while we both still think highly of one another. You get to settle your unfinished business, and if you ever find yourself healed and free and clear of old ghosts, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can

But, I wouldn't make such a generous offer to someone who didn't have the decency to speak with me for 17 days.

I would take his silence as your answer.

It's would be awkward to contact someone who doesn't seem to want contact- just to ask them if they didn't want to contact you.

He has anxiety and you want him to be ok? When he straightens his messy life out, I suspect the anxiety will go away.

You can't help him with that.

I like that advice - that's perfect. I agree. When people have their life together, they're much happier, have more to give, and YOU'LL be much happier.

Thanks, DaisyMayPorter. I agree, whenever people have an overall relatively smooth and very stable life, relationships naturally tend to be easier and more content for obvious reasons.

The problem is, other people's problems become YOUR problems should you become involved with them. Usually, people don't wish to inherit a lot of problems and stress by default if they can avoid it. Everyone wants their troubles to be light or non-existent.

You need to move on from him, girl.

As the others have already said, he's in no place to date. Even if terrible news hadn't befallen his dad and even if he didn't have his own health issues - he lives with his not-yet-ex-wife. Huge red flag there.

This man is not far enough out of his marriage to begin anything serious with anyone else. You were unfortunately a bit of rebound. Time to close the door on this one and set about finding a man who is totally free and clear of any previous relationships.

He is married and you are just merely a distraction from dealing with his issues, facing himself and working through his crumbling marriage with his soon to be ex wife. Some people go shopping to not really deal with things, or gamble - and he quickly got into a relationship as his distraction. Get out now.