I'm Leaving eNotAlone

Big shocker. Not that anyone cares, but I would at least like to express why I'm quitting after being a member for nearly 7 years. In my mind, this site was supposed to be an empathetic community of people who were willing to help each other overcome difficult and painful situations, especially if it pertained to matters of the heart. I have received that help and kindness from many online users, but after a while, everyone of my posts had nasty replies from a handful of regulars.

Has it ever occured to you that maybe the reason why I am on an anonymous website for advice is because I don’t have anyone to talk to? Or maybe instead of bringing all my insecurities to my boyfriend, I use this site as a journal to vent so that I don’t have to bring that to him? This site was supposed to help, but now every post I make just makes me feel worse. Instead of holding what seems to be a grudge from previous posts, maybe try being more open and have a heart for someone (anyone) who’s lonely. If people had someone to talk to, they wouldn’t be on here posting about things that hurt them. So much for a supportive community. And so long, it’s been a journey.

I am sorry you feel alone. I think that I everyone comes here with their own basket of issues.

Because you kept on repeating the same scenario, over and over. It is disrespectful and frustrating to the posters when you do not follow through on the advice that is given. Repeatedly.

I believe that many have also suggested therapy, which I do not believe that you have followed through on.

I do hope you look into helping yourself, as we cannot do that for you. I also hope that you develop a social network, so that you have friends that can support you, and not solely online strangers.

Good luck.

Sorry you’re feeling lonely as well, and that this site isn’t the salve it once was.

I admit that I’ve wondered, here and there, if you wouldn’t benefit more from the journal section than the advice one. Why do I say this? Because my feeling, often, is that you are looking less for advice than a kind of supportive sounding board, a safe place to vent more than a place to trigger some introspection and change.

That’s what friends are for—and, yeah, there’s a bit of a friendly quality to this little community. But speaking for myself? When it comes to my closest friends, the ones I love the most, there comes a point when I’ll switch out the velvet gloves for the boxing ones. Not because I want to give them black eyes, no, but because I am very concerned that they are making self-sabotaging choices and are turning to me to enable those choices.

I haven’t asked much advice on this forum, but when I have? In the immediate moment, when my own feelings are particularly turbulent, I have most appreciated the velvet gloves. But it was often those with the boxing gloves who called it as it was, and as I didn’t quite want to see it, and as such a really appreciate the variety of bedside manner one gets here. Who knows? Maybe on your journey, be it an hour from now or a year, it’ll seem that some of the sharper words you’ve encountered on here helped out and steer your toward a place that was a little brighter than the place you’re in right now.

Best of luck out there.

I'm sorry you feel that bad that you want to leave. Yes, it does matter. You matter every bit as much as everyone else on here.

With a lot of advice forums, you just have to take the good with the bad and decide which you'd rather listen to. So many different opinions.

I hope you decide to change your mind and perhaps start on journal on here. It can be either private, or one others can read but not comment, or others can read and comment.

The choice is up to you.

But you have a right to be here just as much as the rest of us.

Sorry that we haven't been giving you any enabling advice, Lady. It's not because we don't care, or that we don't understand your anxiety... it's because if we give you enabling or caudling coos, then you're never going to change your insecure dynamic you seem to harbour in this relationship. Holding a mirror up to you was to help you to see rather than just help you to continue to be so angst ridden in your relationship with the man you are with.

Its of course your choice to stay or go but perhaps if you stayed and offered more of your own advice, you'd be less likely to hear things you don't want to hear about your own situation (?) and you'd start to realize that most of your fears are fruitless or you'd be able to self sooth if you were to take your own advice.

I'm confident that all of us who have used our "boxing gloves" have done so with your best interests in mind, even if what we have said isn't quite what you have wanted to hear.

Good luck no matter if you stay or go... I hope that you can settle into a more calm love with your guy rather than this often anxiousness you seem to have with him.

Be well.

Also Lady, if you do ever decide to make another post (or if anyone does)...it might help if you specify what you're looking for. Like for instance, if you want an honest opinion on what you should do as opposed to just a listening ear.

I do think people can choose to be more gentle at times, yes, for sure. But we are all human too and sometimes our own personal lives/emotions get caught up in advising. It's tough to separate human emotion from giving advice as lots of times it does strike a personal chord.

I am also on the fence about "tough love". I think at times it can be a type of bullying while at other times it can give us the extra push we need. But I do understand as well that a person might be too emotional right then to want to hear that kind of advice and needs more gentleness.

There's a time and place for everything, right?

I hope you're okay just the same, Lady.

I have found journals on here to be very useful. I have many of them and have worked out a lot of issues that way.

I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed with your experience here. The "tough love" approach can be helpful sometimes, but only to a person who is open to receive it. If they're not, then all it does is cause further confusion. But no one here (or anywhere) is perfect and I think most are trying their best to be helpful. It can be harder to hear when one is in a heightened emotional state. There is also the dynamic of people being more bold behind the keyboard as an anonymous person, but I don't see too much of that here, personally. Here and there, yeah, it's unavoidable, but for the most part, no.

Anyway, I haven't seen many of your posts, but again I'm sorry you're feeling let down. Maybe as others here have suggested a journal would be helpful for you as a healthy, constructive outlet. If you ever want to come back here, I'm sure the vast majority would be happy to hear from you. Best of luck to you with everything.

Its of course your choice to stay or go but perhaps if you stayed and offered more of your own advice, you'd be less likely to hear things you don't want to hear about your own situation (?) and you'd start to realize that most of your fears are fruitless or you'd be able to self sooth if you were to take your own advice.

I second this, should you have a change of heart.

Were I to isolate my most selfish reasons for being on ENA, it's because I have found that, in giving advice to others, I end up calling my own bluff and navigating my life out there in the world with a little less of my own bs stuck to the soles of my shoes. It's kind of like smoking cigarettes, something I no longer do but will adore for life. When you tell a little kid to never smoke a cigarette and then go out to sneak a smoke—you feel icky, can't quite rationalize it the same way, and are really forced to think about why you're smoking.

I smoke less thanks to ENA, you could say, and wonder how you listening and advising would help you with your own habits.

Other thing I'll add to this funeral procession is: this site is not therapy. It is nowhere close, has no relation, therapeutic as it may be for many, for a variety of reasons. I bring this up because one of the things that kind of breaks my heart—my heart that is very grateful for therapy!—is that many of the same people who are willing to open up and be completely vulnerable on a website hear the words "Have you considered therapy?" as an attack, or judgement, when few words are more gentle. I've noticed that in some of your threads—and, well, I hope one day those words don't land like a judge's gavel.

My girlfriend had a bad cough back in December, and, for a while, when she coughed I basically said, "Ugh—sorry." But when it got worse, instead of better, I said, "Maybe it's time to see a doctor?" Turned out to be a very real infection, which was zapped by antibiotics. Therapy can be like that, for the emotional infections. This site, at best, can be like a cough drop.

This site, at best, can be like a cough drop.

I think that's minimizing it far too much as I have seen many advisors on here talk someone out of suicide. That's huge and life saving.

I have also seen many come back and thank people on this site for helping them change their life in huge ways, for the better.

I, as well have received messages from people thanking me for helping them in a very vulnerable time that made a difference.

This site can help change a life for the better in quite a significant way if the right advice is given in the right way.

I think that's minimizing it far too much

My bad, as I realized that was unclear. I meant that not to minimize the site—I'm here, more or less daily, because I think it's a pretty special place that helps me and others—but just in the specific metaphoric context of therapy, and not using it as a substitute.

Were someone to come here, for instance, and find their way back from suicide? I would very much hope that from here they found professional help. So were someone to come here with some unhelpful untangling an emotional knot, but found the knot only tightening, I would similarly hope that their time being open here here encourages them to seek the help of people with specific training.

Hope that's a bit more clear.

I understand that at times our replies seem harsh. As the saying goes, a pen is mightier than the sword. Let's also be honest, it's difficult to show "appropriate" support since reading someone's body language is impossible to do online.

Also, let's get real, most of us aren't professionals (therapists, counsellors, etc.). We're simply here because we want to help others. Thus, whilst some of our posts might not seem helpful or empathetic enough, we are trying our best. Yes, we are human, bound to make mistakes and say the wrong thing. But we are taking time out of our lives to read and respond to posts as best as we can because we care. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here.

And you care, too. Otherwise, you would not have written this post. Maybe you can show us how to be kinder and more empathetic online. By working together we improve this already lovely community. At the end, all of us here are aiming for the same goal: to help someone.

"By working together we improve this already lovely community. At the end, all of us here are aiming for the same goal: to help someone."

I second this

Agree the journal section is better for pouring out thoughts without unwanted advice. Keep in mind that a forum is merely a reflection.

maybe instead of bringing all my insecurities to my boyfriend, I use this site as a journal to vent so that I don’t have to bring that to him?

I’m sorry you’re feeling down about this site. I think people on here and myself included just have gone through similar experiences and don’t want the poster to go through the same negative experiences. I feel everyone means well. When I first came here it was I had just gotten out of an eleven year relationship and was in a fantasy one with someone online. Some people gave critical advice.

At first I didn’t want to receive it. But I realized as I was going along it’s because of how right everyone was.

Through my dating history afterwards I came here and boy did I go through some real weirdos! People suggested therapy because honestly I was definitely picking the wrong men. 😂

I’ve learned you take in the information people provide and absorb what helps you the most.

I really do wish you the best and hope you find happiness. I think like others suggested journaling on here is good.

I understand. Sometimes I've gotten advice that seems more "mean" then helpful, but sometimes you need to take everything with a grain of salt, and don't take things personally. I hope things get better for you. :-)

I completely agree with you. So sorry you’re going through this. I wish you were getting the support you needed on here. Best of luck to you.

I think people on here and myself included just have gone through similar experiences and don’t want the poster to go through the same negative experiences.

Yep, this is true for me. I read many posts through the lens of my younger self, and then I say the stuff that I wish someone would have told me during similar situations--despite that I may not have appreciated it at the time.

Lady, I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged and hope you will consider using the Journal section. The posts don't get published to the main forum, and you can elect to publish just to that part of the site or to keep your writing private. If you opt to publish, you can use the message feature to invite comment from people who's input may be of value to you.

Head high, we're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given time. We can opt to learn from one another, or we can isolate and go it alone. Neither option is easy.

Best wishes.

So I looked at your last post before I responded, just to be sure, you know the ones you write, get pages of advise on and abandon until the next issue arrises and I didn’t see any of this coldness you’re accusing people of. The general consensus was

- it’s time to try to figure out your insecurities

- choosing to date at work tends to make one the subject of gossip.

I honestly do not get what you’re trying to accuse posters of except not coddling you. And honestly shame on you for that, not us, shame on you for thinking we’re your security blanket, that we have to follow your expectation and jump when you say jump and stroke your ego when needed when you do fly by posts every month or so. Shame on you, not us. If I see a growing lump on my friends face I’m not going to just tell her she looks pretty.

You may not be ready to face your demons and that’s fine, it’s your life but to gaslight strangers on the internet for not helping you in a way that you deem worthy is just too much.

Sorry not sorry.

The thing is no one is required to “ listen” to anyone’s advice.

I'm one of what could be called "tough" posters. That's because I don't believe coddling is helpful to someone who is clearly struggling. I don't feel like I'm "mean", just blunt. And I ask tough questions.

My approach is the result of a friend using "tough love" on me when I really needed it. I am still grateful to her 20 years later for telling me what I needed to hear and not sugar coating.

I think people get frustrated because you ask for advice but don't seem to implement any of it. Which is of course totally your choice, but then you come back with the exact same question and ask us to pretend your previous posts don't exist. That's an unrealistic expectation. People want to help but some lose patience when the same question is asked repeatedly but nothing seems to be done to actually resolve the issue.

I don't get invested in those who post on here other than hoping their issues get resolved and they feel better soon.

I do hope your issues get resolved and that you choose to seek help.

I think that's minimizing it far too much as I have seen many advisors on here talk someone out of suicide. That's huge and life saving.

 

I have also seen many come back and thank people on this site for helping them change their life in huge ways, for the better.

I, as well have received messages from people thanking me for helping them in a very vulnerable time that made a difference.

 

This site can help change a life for the better in quite a significant way if the right advice is given in the right way.[/QUOTE]

 

Yes! And, if they truly want help.

I'm sorry you're leaving this forum ConfusedLady21. I hope you will reconsider and not take people's comments seriously since after all, we're merely a bunch of faceless nobodies out there in cyberspace. You don't know us nor will you ever meet us in person in your lifetime. Don't get your feathers ruffled easily because we're not worth it!

Another thing to consider is everyone has a different approach in giving you their insights, opinions, advice or comments. It's no different than all cross sections of society. Some people are very hard nosed and harsh whereas others can still get their message across to you while remaining tactful and diplomatic. I'm sure you prefer the latter as do I.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Some people are abrasive and lack grace while others can still be firm yet discreet at the same time.

Even at my church, I know several of my brethren who don't coddle and they demonstrate tough love. While that's all well and good in their eyes, they don't think how they sound, how they are perceived and they come off as rough which not everyone appreciates including me! I tend to avoid those who think they need to be "Iron Man" in order to get their point across. I gravitate towards those who can still guide me with GRACE.

In fact, I have a cousin who didn't coddle me and gave me tough love but truth be told, I didn't like her approach because even though she thought she meant well, she came across as a bully. If she would've chosen her words more wisely while still getting her message across, we wouldn't be currently estranged. This is the problem when a person doesn't convey their message with tact, grace and good diplomacy. It rubs people the wrong way and the other person basically says, "Good bye" which I did. Behaving rough towards others is disrespectful and rude to put it bluntly. I don't need it. Instead, I surround myself with people who don't act like a bunch of animals which is more my cup of tea.

There are several people in my family tree whether relatives or in-laws who are rough and tough talking. While it's fine for THEM to communicate to each other in this manner, it is definitely NOT fine with me. I'm nice to them when we see each other once in a great while but other than that, I have zero contact with them which is my preference. This is what boundaries are. I can only take them in SMALL doses at best. There are others who are rough and tough talking such as some neighbors, acquaintances and colleagues whom I'm diplomatic with. However, we're not chums. Fortunately, I've handpicked my select friends wisely and they're all good to me. They all behave graciously which I greatly appreciate.

After giving some people (relatives / in-laws) months or years of chances to behave graciously and diplomatically, I've since given up on them. I got up and left and never felt better. I don't NEED to be treated that way. I'm OUT. I'm done. Should our paths cross with certain unavoidable people on rare occasions, again, I'm pleasant, kind and peaceful but we're not close. I have borders and boundaries with some people who just don't get it nor will they ever. It's a permanent wave good-bye and I'm not coming back to them.

I'm peaceful, kind and well-mannered towards people who are tough talking yet cautious and steer clear. I enforce very strong, healthy boundaries with them for my own protection and sanity's sake. It works, too.

It's something to think about. I understand how you feel most dubitably.

I hope you won't leave.

If you have a problem with people taking time out of THEIR day to give you advice, just leave. *shrugs*

If we didn't care, we wouldn't bother to write paragraphs and offer repeated replies to all your threads. Life isn't about blocking your ears and screaming 'lalalala' whilst shutting your eyes-that doesn't solve the problem and the issues will still exist no matter how hard you pretend it's not there.

Just leave already if you're feeling this defensive. Help can only be accepted when the one asking for it is genuinely wanting it.