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Thread: Do I stay or do I go?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Jack3d's Avatar
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    Do I stay or do I go?

    My girlfriend and I are both 39. Iíve been incredibly torn lately. Weíve been together a year, but Iíve never been 100% happy. I even ended it once for about 4 weeks, but we worked it out. Iím at that crossroads again. We have so many differences that it drives me crazy. Iím a very driven and ambitious person with goals in my life, things I want to accomplish. She has none of that. I asked her what her goals were and she has none. She comes from a very rich family and has been handed everything in life from her house to her car to her finances.

    First the negatives: Sheís lazy and a pothead. Her short term memory is practically gone. I like to workout daily, Iím a gym rat, she refuses to do anything health and fitness related. Sheíd rather sit there and complain that sheís gaining weight as I just ďget hotter.Ē Well, Iím working for it. Anything that requires effort, she doesnít want to do. We live in Texas and both love country music so we like to go two stepping. Texas two stepping is a strong passion of mine. She canít do it. She is absolutely horrible. We even took 6 weeks of lessons and if she feels like she canít do something or it requires effort to learn, she shuts down. Iím a sports fanatic, she hates sports. I havenít been to a sporting event or two stepping in months now. Sheís a vegan and is crazy about protecting animals. Not PETA crazy but refuses to eat anything that isnít plant based and every time they screw up her meal at a restaurant she causes a scene. I used to like going out to eat, but now I refuse to. Iím a neat freak, she is the messiest person Iíve ever met and a huge pack rat. I moved out of her place and got my own place because hers was so messy. She doesnít put things back where they belong, including food. Sheíll take something out of the fridge, fix herself a plate, and leave it out on the counter all night unless I pick it up for her.

    Now the positives: Iíve never been treated so amazing in my life in a relationship. She adores me and thinks Iím perfect. Sounds crazy, but bear with me. I always stand up for her and go to bat for her, she does the same for me. She treats me with the utmost respect and I the same to her, always. We NEVER fight. Ever. We communicate very well and share our feelings openly without any arguments. Our sex life is second to none. We have a lot of sex, a lot of mind blowing sex. We laugh a lot. We learn from one another. We love one another. Her family loves me, my family loves her. Neither of us wants children at this point in our lives and we donít have any children. She helps me when Iím in a financial bind, and Iíve helped her in a financial bind once or twice. Weíre always there for one another.

    I just donít know what to do because I feel like I canít do the things Iím passionate about any longer or eat where I want to eat, and Iím always cleaning up and picking up after her like sheís a 7 year old. Iím tired of repeating myself constantly because her short term memory is garbage because of pot. I love her but sometimes I look at her and think wth am I doing? And other times, I think Iím super lucky. Mainly the former though. How do I work through this? Is it workable? Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent.

    Edited to add: She's also been my rock since my mother unexpectedly passed away. I met her 2 months after and I honestly don't know what I would have done without her.
    Last edited by Jack3d; 02-27-2020 at 05:35 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Our sex life is second to none. We have a lot of sex, a lot of mind blowing sex.
    You can get that anywhere. Why you're staying with someone you are so incompatible with is because you don't want to give up the sex and her idolization of you. Check out your motives and don't stay with someone for such superficial reasons (if that is indeed why you're still there).

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Jack3d's Avatar
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    You couldnít be more wrong. I listed all of the positives. There are many. You focused just on the sex it seems and blocked out the others.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but all I see is the same - mind blowing sex and she really does a good job of stroking your ego. As for respect and appreciation.....read back the rest of your post to yourself. You absolutely do not respect her and in fact, sounds like you pretty much can't stand her for the most part. There are major issues of incompatibility there. By your own admission, you are more unhappy than happy. These are your own words not mine. So should you stay or go, how miserable are you willing to be in exchange for being worshiped?

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Jack3d's Avatar
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    i knew i couldn't come here for well thought out advice. Never could, ever.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You can get that anywhere. Why you're staying with someone you are so incompatible with is because you don't want to give up the sex and her idolization of you. Check out your motives and don't stay with someone for such superficial reasons (if that is indeed why you're still there).
    I agree with all of this.

    I also agree with Dancing, you do not respect your lazy, sloppy, overweight pothead gf.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 02-27-2020 at 06:20 PM.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Jack3d
    i knew i couldn't come here for well thought out advice. Never could, ever.
    The truth hurts.

    You liked the advice regarding the lie about your age.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It is very hard, given what you wrote, not to conclude that the stickiest glue here is sexual chemistry and the soothing feeling of being seen as ďperfectĒ by another human being. No judgement, truly. Iíve been there, as have many, and didnít much love calling myself out on it. But Iím glad I did.

    Imagine this: youíre having the same hot sex youíre having now, but with someone who wants to eat where you eat, who is ambitious and into staying in shape, and whoóthis is the critical pointólives her life in a way that delivers a sense of wonder and in a way where you have no choice but to respect and admire in the exact same manner you have no choice but to be turned on.

    My gut here says that (a) thatís what you want while (b) itís not what you have, or have experienced much inside this dynamic. Perhaps you needed this year, and this relationship, to see all that a little more clearly? No shame in that, through there can be shame in trying to force yourself to believe something that isnít quite enough is, well, enough.

    Food for thought. Letting go is hard, I know, and sometimes all we want is for some internet strangers to tell give us a reason to hold on a little longer, a little tighter.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Either accept the way your girlfriend is warts and all, seek professional couples counseling or exit the relationship. Many times, you can't have everything out of a person; there will always be something you like and dislike about a person.

    Question whether you can ignore your lazy pothead slob, overweight, uncoordinated girlfriend while appreciating her attributes. If her negatives outweigh her positive traits, then you'll never be happy with her and she will always grate on your nerves.

    Make a decision whether or not you can continue being with your girlfriend at this rate. She will not change for you. Only you can change your situation by dissolving the relationship or adjust your attitude by learning to look the other way with anything that disagrees with you about her personality and character. You don't have many options.

    My condolences for your painful loss, Jack3d.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jack3d
    You couldnít be more wrong. I listed all of the positives. There are many. You focused just on the sex it seems and blocked out the others.
    No. You are fixated on the sex and you ignore ALL of the bad because she idolizes you. Any man that was of healthy self worth and not addicted to the porn star like sex would leave someone that makes them so unhappy. You are not married to this woman so get out while you can and then think about why you don't have the self-esteem enough to leave her.

    The good defo does NOT outweigh the bad. Please do yourself a favor and don't go on the defensive. You came here to get permission to leave her (even if subconsciously) and we are giving those reasons to you.

    Your life sucks right up until you have that hour of goodness and then it's oh so exciting for a while and then it goes right backing to sucking in the not good way. You know you need to leave so just put your mind to it and pay attention to why you didn't leave her a long time ago when you first noticed how much you don't respect her.

    Bottom line:
    Do I stay or do I go?
    You go!

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