My wild rollercoaster ride

So, I think it's time I finally get around to writing a journal. It'll make therapy easier at least, and I can look back on this for better or worse in the future.

So, my boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me about a month ago. We had a pretty rough fight, apologized to each other, and then he dropped the bombshell. "I can't do this, I think we need a break." I was devastated but told him I agreed. I told him his mental health came before anything else and that he should take as much time as he needed and left.

Apparently he only needed 20 mins, since he texted me soon after to come back. I, being the blind idiot I was, thinking he had changed his mind came running. Only to be told that we were breaking up. I was crushed. I cried and hugged him.

The month since has felt like my own personal hell. My ex has become a completely different person and isn't acting like himself at all. Almost every weekend brings a new revelation for better or worse.

We texted 2 weeks after and agreed we both needed time and he apologized and said he didn't want to hurt me. The week after that, we spoke in person and had a good time Thursday only for him to tell me that Monday morning that he was seeing someone else and he wanted us to take a step back but remain friends.

Later that week, I found out the girl he was seeing had gotten with him Friday and dumped him that Monday afternoon. We spoke again that Thursday and had fun joking around with each other.

The big one was last weekend. He drunk texted me at 1 in the morning apologizing for what he did and how he hurt me. We texted back and forth for a while until I asked him if he wanted to come over as he sounded pretty distressed and upset. I walked to his dorm room (right down the hall) and we talked. He told me how sorry he was about drunk ing the girl he was seeing the night we broke up and didnt realize what he was doing. He said the friend group he was hanging out with and met the girl through was dissolving and ignoring him and he felt so lonely. He also said he couldn't remember the last time he was sober for a full day. I tried to keep him calm and told him I was concerned and still cared about him. I told him I forgave him, and if he was willing, we could start from square one and go slow but he needed to be willing to work on it. He said he wasn't sure that was what he wanted. That he "didn't want to commit to what 17 year old him committed to" (he's 19 and I'm 18, both college freshman) and he "wasn't sure what he wanted."

This is where things escalate as a hug turned into a kiss and then things became very physical. Afterwards he said that "if we were both ever lonely we could do this again." I told him I wasn't sure that was what I wanted but I couldn't bring myself to flat out refuse. (a mistake I won't be making again)

This past week has not been my week. I've had stomach cramps Tuesday night, nausea Wednesday morning, and a sore throat and cough Wednesday night/today. He sends me memes and even sent a jokey text out of the blue yesterday. But he also asked his roommate (we're pretty good friends) to stay out of the room for a while at midnight last night, and he's pretty sure he had that girl over again.

Overall, I'm pretty sure god hates me at this point and is doing everything to spite me. Maybe next week will be better.