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Thread: there and back again... need help

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2020

    there and back again... need help

    Here is the interesting situation I have a question about. I started dating a good friend, my best friend in fact of several years. She had recently separated and I had separated about a year prior. I was not really interested in anything serious with anyone but it so happened that after my friend and I started seeing each other we both started to form a very strong bond and getting feelings for each other. After about nine months. She started to drift away, and seeing her ex more often, to the point where I was pretty sure they were back together or that at least there some unfinished business between them so I tried to stay away from that and move on but she and I kept crossing path, and getting back together, breaking up, and all got really weird (this whole time I was under the impression they were just friends. Sure enough after one of our encounters her ex found out we were "messing around" and for sure I found out then that something was going on between them too confirming that she had in fact restarted a relationship with him again. Now the everyone is working with the same information she insists she wants to be with me. but I don't know how I feel. She told her ex, she is in love with me and wants to see what a future together has in store. She is still very involved in his life and if he asks to see her or speak with her she would pretty much drop anything she is doing and go to him. I am frankly in a tough place. I love her, and I believe her when she tells me she loves me. (or at least I want to believe) but I don't really know what to do. Any advice? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Someone who loves you and is all in doesn't drop everything and run to their ex. I'm sorry but she is using/playing both of you.

    If I were you, I wouldn't play second fiddle to an ex and I wouldn't be interested in sharing STD's with him via her, so I'd step out of this triangle and boot her out of my life with extreme prejudice. Don't look at what she says, pay attention to what she is doing and you already know the unpleasant answer as to what's going on. If you don't want to be her doormat, then the decision isn't really that though - you boot her and find a girl who is actually all in and wouldn't dream of looking at another guy, let alone drop everything and run at his beck and call.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    What she says and what she does are two different things.
    You want an answer.? . pay attention to her actions.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Your "friend" is awfully messy and dramatic. Get out of the soap opera and tell her she needs to concentrate on her ex. Tell her there needs to be enforced healthy boundaries between you two should you remain best friends and if she refuses to cooperate, tell her it's time to go your separate ways and go NC (no contact). If she is relentless with going back 'n forth between you and her ex, ghost, block, delete and be done with her.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Sorry about all this.

    The tough place you're describing is, in the end, only as tough as you want to make it. Do you want to commit all of your romantic energy to a woman who you believe, and who has shown you, will "pretty much drop everything she is doing" in order to be with her ex? If the answer to that question is "Yes!" then go for it. If the answer is "Um, no" then you know this is a connection to back away from.

    The generous read here is that you both connected during a vulnerable time in your lives. She learned that she has some serious things to sort out, while you learned, perhaps, that you are more interested in a serious relationship that you thought. Wonderful, that, and something to celebrate. But trying to make that a celebration you share with her? Well, just going from your own account of things I don't think that's going to be very satisfying and may turn you into someone who has all sorts of serious things to sort out.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    its so easy for those of us, not in this situation, to see that this woman is trouble.

    We are all romantically inclined to see what we want and to make everything just so... sigh... true love.

    From a distance, you two became single around the same time. However, not really... sounds like you were on your way, to ready to date.... And maybe even ready to meet someone for a committed relationship.

    She, on the other hand, jumped from one relationship, to one with you. Someone she knew and could feel safe with. She really hadn't made time to do the right things and heal on her own.

    There have been three of you in this sitch the whole time. She was never free and clear from him to begin with. As long as she has you to catch her, make her feel better and strong enough to keep going back to the ex that's what she'll do.

    And at some point, you can't really blame her. You see what she does. What we don't change, we are accepting, allowing, encouraging....

    There is a reason AA always says not to get in a relationship for a year (when in recovery from addiction) and that is actually good advice for anyone getting out of a LTR or marriage.... We have to learn who we are in the new reality.

    When she jumped to you, all her feelings for him transferred to you, but they were still attached to him.

    You cant win.... if you take her back, she'll do the same thing. A person cannot grow or change and also stay the same. Growth is motivated by discomfort.

    I'd tell her that I just don't trust what she is saying and maybe in the future, when she's had some time to get her head on straight maybe we'll come back around.

    If she stays single and shows some change, then maybe... but if she just gets back with the hubs, then you know.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    She's not really in love with either one of you, OP.

    She's in love with attention and praise from both of you, but if she were really serious about either one of you, she'd have no difficulty cutting ties with the other.

    Sorry, man. This is unlikely to go the way you hope.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. You and her bf are both on/off. You don't want anything serious, and that is often the mindset of the 'other man". It sounds like you are just friends or fwb at best in this on/off scenario with her..
    Originally Posted by zarzegas
    I was not really interested in anything serious with anyone. She is still very involved in his life and if he asks to see her or speak with her she would pretty much drop anything she is doing and go to him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Rebound/stepping stone, whatever you call it, you need to let her go. It will never be the relationship you want.


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