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Thread: Does he see me as a friend or something more?

  1. #1

    Does he see me as a friend or something more?

    Last year, in November, I had found this guy who's in his 30s on a dating app and we matched. I'm in my 20s and I don't mind the age gap and neither does he. We had been texting a bit and I asked for his number. We texted some more and he invited me over to his place to cuddle around 11 p.m. on a Saturday. Since I didn't have my own car (I can drive though), he was happy to offer me lift over to his place. I'm currently living in Ann Arbor for college and he lives in Grand Rapids. When we got there, he offered me a drink of water and I turned that down, but he pulled out a beer and I asked for one and he gave me a bottle. We cuddled while we watched a movie, he kept rubbing his nose against my nose. After a few times of that, he paused and waited for a kiss, so I decided to kiss him on the lips. We made out soon after. Then, he started dry humping me, started groping at my boobs, and began touching my skin from under my shirt. Not knowing him all that well and that being the first time I had met him in person, I was scared to tell him to slow down and not jump into that type of stuff yet. So, I had let him continue. Then, he started taking off his belt and pants and carried me into his bedroom where we then had sex on his bed (This was my first time having sex with anybody). I wasn't really expecting all of this to go down, but he said that he hasn't had sex in years. Then, I slept with him and he gave me small kisses on the side of my head. The next morning he suggested that we go out hiking somewhere, but I told him that I had to get back and study. I asked him this was a one night stand and he told me that it wasn't at all. He drove me back and while that happened, he would hold my hand and kiss it a couple of times. He kissed me on the lips before I left the car.
    The next time that I saw him which was in December, it was the same process, only Sunday morning I decided to pour myself rum in a wine glass, half full. I downed it quickly in a short period of time without drinking or eating anything. I did this because I felt like he would have liked me better drunk rather than being myself which is usually me being timid and quiet, typically around people that I don't feel comfortable around. He had warned me to be careful with that, but I didn't listen. And that was a huge mistake for myself and the relationship. I quickly ended up with alcohol poisoning and had to be sent over to the hospital to recover. He came along and stayed with me until a friend of mine brought me back to Ann Arbor. While I was still a bit drunk at the hospital, without thinking, I had asked if we could be bf/gf and I suppose that made him feel awkward and a little embarrassed since a doctor and my friend was near. But, I wasn't aware of how he had looked after I had said that at the time until he told me about it. Apparently, we weren't at that stage yet.
    Throughout the rest of December through mid-February, we've only been texting each other. He used to always initiate the texts, call me cute nicknames like "babe, baby, or honey" or would send heart emojis, but he no longer does those things. Every once in awhile, he'll initiate a text conversation, but I'm the one to do that now. He told me that he's been wanting to take a step back and go slow with things since he's been busy (beginning January) with his Big Year Birding. He said because of that, we won't be able to see each other as often, even though he would like to still. He told me that he would have more time over the summer to commit to me and after the end of the year.
    Now that it's February, I had asked him last week if I could go on one of his birding trips and had let me. He brought me out birding during the evening and then brought back some dinner to his place to eat, then we watched a couple of movies. I rested my head of his shoulder, but he wouldn't put his arm around me like he used to. But then, he asked if he could lie his head on my lap and I had let him. After the movie was over, we slept together but didn't have sex and didn't kiss. But I had asked him for a kiss and he placed one on my forehead. I asked if he could kiss me on the lips, but he said not yet. The next morning, we went out to a few other places to go birding/hiking. Throughout that, he would smile whenever he'd look at me half the time, he touched me at times by playfully pushing me, or he would try to make me laugh or tease me. We didn't hold hands like we used to though. I wanted to touch him, but I was afraid to due to fear of ruining something between us. After that, we headed back to his place and I was getting ready to leave. He gave me a hug and said thanks for coming and then I told him thanks for letting me. I told him "see ya" and then he said "see ya". Then, I left to go back home.
    He initiated a text the next day talking about random stuff, but didn't say anything about the weekend.

    At this point, does he see me as a friend to hang out with or is he starting to build up a fresh dating/relationship with me? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He told me that he's been wanting to take a step back and go slow with things since he's been busy (beginning January) with his Big Year Birding.

    This is the blow off. He ain't that into you sorry.

  3. #3
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    First...don't let a man take advantage of you like that! If you don't want him to touch you or take things farther, then STOP. He will survive.

    Second, it kind of sounds like you have already made this situation into a relationship. I can pretty much guarantee that he has not. Chances are he considers you a hookup--a sure thing. He doesn't see you as a friend or as a relationship. He sees you as someone who will do whatever he wants.

    Don't let yourself be in this position. Don't get taken advantage of!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My god you made some big blunders here, like having sex for the first time with this guy. He is not into you, you want a bf, he wants to get laid. You need to go slower with the next guy, dont hop into bed at the first opportunity. Have some self respect.

    He's looking for sex, and now that you've had it with him, he got what he wanted. He's just not that into you. Please move on.

    Also dont use alcohol as a way to loosen up, refrain from getting hammered. Be yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    (This was my first time having sex with anybody).
    How did the two of you react to the blood? If you're shy and timid as you say, how did that go over?

    I will give you some motherly advice... stop being afraid to tell someone that you're not ready to have sex. You are going to find yourself in deep trouble with someone if you keep up your pattern of needing to get drunk because you think he won't like you as you are sober. You are very, very naive if what you have shared is the truth and you need to be schooled on dating stranger men. You don't go to their home on the first request. You stay on real dates that take place in public and if they don't ask you on one of those types of meet ups then you tell them to rub salt and you don't talk to them again.

    You are very lucky that he isn't an abusive arse who could have very well hurt you or even killed you if he was psycho.

    Wisen up, sister.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He was never interested in you in the first place. When a guy you've never even met invites you to his place late at night, he is not inviting you to talk philosophy and cuddle, he is inviting you over for casual sex.

    You seem to be dangerously naive when it comes to dating and relationships and very very lucky that you aren't a corpse rotting in the woods somewhere. Please don't ever do this kind of stuff again. Chatting online means nothing. If you are going to meet guys online (why? you are in college surrounded by hot guys your age), but anyway, if you are going to do this, then learn how to be safe. First of all, meet up in person, in public, in daytime for a quick coffee or smoothie and see if there is even anything there. If you still click and no alarm bells go off, then date - again actual dates, in public, until you are comfortable for more. Do not put yourself in a situation where you can't leave if you don't like what's going on just because he lives far away, you don't have a car, etc. Always have money to pay for a cab or uber/lyft. Have it all set up in your phone just in case. Always have a clear exit strategy.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My guess is he sees you as the same person you presented yourself to be. Added to that, he saw you as a naive and easy pick-up, (imo). Mission accomplished!

    Not only did you sell yourself short, you took a huge risk by going to a complete strangers home, followed by sleeping with him. Hopefully you'll learn the lesson, and raise the bar.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yikes. You're lucky you lived to talk about this. You know better than this. Did he just get out of prison?
    Originally Posted by camille77
    he said that he hasn't had sex in years.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Omg, reading your post made me freak out so badly. My Mothering instincts kicked in & I was horrified!

    Please, please, please never go to a guys house for netflix & chill until you have had numerous public dates & you feel absolutely safe & secure with him.

    Any guy that suggests this so early on is only looking for sex. He is not interested in getting to know you. Learn from this experience & thank your lucky starts that nothing happened to you!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like he is not interested in a relationship but for whatever reason he doesn't have the decency to be honest with you. He is likely either too chicken to upset you or wants to keep you around as an option for a future booty call.

    The real question is why you are doing this to yourself. Why are you putting your life in danger? Going to a stranger's house at 11 pm is like playing Russian roulette. Having sex for the first time with a total stranger is like playing Russian STD roulette. Herpes and HPV, you can get even if he was wearing a condom and these stay for life. He could also have been a serial killer and done worse to you.

    Everything that you mentioned were YOUR choices. If you make bad choices, BAD things happen. Unless you grew up under a rock, you know better. When a man invites you to his place at 11pm chances are that it's not to only "cuddle". It sounds like you let things happen without thinking through the possible consequences and throw caution to the wind. You need to start making better/safer choices.

    Your college probably has emotional support/counseling services. Seek professional counseling to explore why you are putting yourself in harm's way like that.


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