Should I leave my alcoholic boyfriend even though he is nice to me?

I met my boyfriend around 4 years ago. We knew each other for almost a year when we started dating and moved together in April last year. He's everything I ever wanted in a man.

 

But there is a problem; he's always drinking. He doesn't treat me different when he's drunk, but it makes me sad and angry at the same time seeing him like that. Shortly before we started dating I asked him why he isn't doing anything to get himself to stop, and he said that he's been an alcoholic for over 10 years and all the things he tried didn't help at all, so it's unnecessary to try it again. Maybe I should try to get him to go to rehab again, but I don't. The only thing I sometimes to is saying that he should at least stop for the day when he already drank a lot. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he continues.

 

The thing is that I found out that I am pregnant a week ago. I haven't told him yet. He always says that he really wants kids, but not before he is completely clean. He's afraid that he would be like his father who was nice, according to his mother, and then turned into the "typical" abusive alcoholic father after he was born. He doesn't want his own children to go through what he went through.

 

Sometimes, we are babysitting our friends 3 year old twins and you can clearly see how much he loves kids; and they also really love him. Maybe knowing that he's going to be a father would encourage him to go to rehab (or to do anything that would help him), but what if he stays like this? Even though I highly doubt that he would be similar to his father in any way, I can understand him. I don't want my child to grow up with an alcoholic father, no matter how he behaves and treats it.

 

That's why I'm looking for advice here. Advice on if I should stay with him and raise the child together or if I should leave him when he doesn't change in the next few months. What can I do if not? What if, even when he would try something, he stays like this? Maybe I am overreacting a little, but I'm worrying about my child's future.. It's going to be our first. We are both 32 years old.

Having been raised by an alcoholic father, and recently watching my brother in law go off the rails after years of alcoholism, I would not want to see any child to have to go through that.

 

Your bf is a long term alcoholic, who is satisfied to keep being one for the foreseeable future. He has tried to stop and gave up. This is common. He will resist being pushed to give up by someone else, which is also common, and if you force him, he will likely fail and blame you.

 

I lived in fear of how he could change when he had been drinking. The ongoing screaming arguments with my mother, the violence etc etc

 

Sure, maybe he is the type that would never hurt a fly when drunk, which by the sounds of it is always. He can't drive, his life revolves around drinking more. It is his first love and he will always find ways to get more of it. It will cause long term issues, heart attack or worse, especially if he is a smoker. Do you really want to be with someone with an addiction that takes first place over you and the potential children?

First of all, addiction is for life. An alcoholic can stop drinking IF they want to, but they can relapse months down the road, a year, five years, etc. The desire is always there lurking under the surface. It's a lifetime struggle to stay sober.

 

In your particular case, I don't have any hope whatsoever that he will change. He told you very straightforward to your face that he is not going to quit - he likes it, he has zero interest in changing that. He gave you full honest information where you have a choice of stay and put up or walk away.

 

On top of this, what you are seeing is the functional stage of alcoholism. As in he can still work, he is not yet getting mood swings, etc. Since he won't quit, he will deteriorate into what people think of more typically as alcoholic - angry, mood swings, unable to keep a job, black outs, etc. Eventually it does fry their brain and there are no exceptions unless they quit in time.

 

The best you can do for your child is to walk away from this guy and do whatever you have to do to raise him or her solo. Get support from family and friends, move wherever you need to, etc. Maybe, just maybe if he loses you, loses his child the consequences of that will hit him hard enough to finally want to quit. If you stay and try to carry on with him, you are just enabling him to keep drinking. There are no consequences but for a little occasional nagging on your part so no reason to quit drinking. You've been enabling him for four years already.

 

Btw, he doesn't need rehab to quit. Those who quit successfully simply quit cold turkey and stick to it because it's what I said earlier - a willful decision to override the desire to drink. Desire doesn't go away, they simply get control over it because they want to, because being and staying sober is more personally important to them. People who truly quit are actually human unicorns, so don't hold your breath. Most return to their addiction sooner or later.

Sorry to hear this. It's tragic that you hope a pregnancy will fix him or that you are willing to subject a child to this environment.

 

Why not get help for yourself? AlAnon is for people who are addicted to the addicted.

 

At least you can get some insight and support for your situation and why you make believe this that or the other will make him clean and sober.

We are both 32 years old.I met my boyfriend around 4 years ago. moved together in April last year. The thing is that I found out that I am pregnant a week ago.

 

he said that he's been an alcoholic for over 10 years and all the things he tried didn't help at all, so it's unnecessary to try it again.

He should go to AA but you cant make him, he has to want to. It does not sound like he's interested in a sober life. What a mistake to get pregnant. Alcoholics make terrible partners and lousy fathers. You cant guarantee he wont be like his own father.

 

Unless and until he gets sober, and stays that way, your life and that of your child will be hell.

I really hate alcohol... Because our society normalizes drinking and people dont consider the effects on our bodies, brains, spirits, growth, emotional health.

 

I have left a few people, friends and romantic partners over drinking. Functioning alcoholics, frankly, are delusional...

 

This is a terrible environment to raise your child and until your guy sees the problem, as a problem, there's no hope he will change.

 

I'm sorry.

My ex is an addict. He thought having a child would force him to sober up. I didn't have a child with him but another woman did. The result was he went to prison for grand theft for stealing to support his habit. He now has no relationship with his children. The poor kids asked for him but their mother couldn't risk having him around them.

 

It wasn't a happy ending.

 

Addicts make horrible parents. Do right by your child.

 

Should I leave my alcoholic boyfriend even though he is nice to me?

Yes you should.

Hello, thanks for all the replies.

 

What a mistake to get pregnant.

 

It's not a planned pregnancy.

 

Alcoholics make terrible partners

 

I'd normally agree, but what I've seen of him in the past 4 years was great and not terrible. The only bad thing I can say about him is his addiction. But I know that this can change at any time.

 

AlAnon is for people who are addicted to the addicted.

 

Thanks, I'm going to take a look at it.

 

Do you really want to be with someone with an addiction that takes first place over you and the potential children?

 

Of course not.

 

This is a terrible environment to raise your child and until your guy sees the problem, as a problem, there's no hope he will change.

Addicts make horrible parents. Do right by your child.

Unless and until he gets sober, and stays that way, your life and that of your child will be hell.

The best you can do for your child is to walk away from this guy and do whatever you have to do to raise him or her solo.

Yes you should.

 

I guess then breaking up sadly seems to be the best thing I can do for myself and the child.

Do not expose a child to this. You should have been gone, long ago.

 

You have not done what is best for you by staying with this guy, but you should do what is best for your kid.

I can't understand how you could think you "may be overreacting a little?"

My father was an alcoholic and smoker. My mother's marriage to my late father was the greatest mistake and regret of her life.

 

Will your boyfriend be willing to join AA and seek professional help such as check himself into an addiction clinic?

 

Being nice to you doesn't matter because as long as your boyfriend drinks, his alcoholism will forever become your problem and your child's.

 

If your boyfriend refuses to get professional help, there's no sense remaining in the relationship with an alcoholic who will make your and your child's life miserable forever. Think of your future.

Hello, thanks for all the replies! I already responded a few hours ago, but it seems like I forgot to send it. At least I can't find it.

 

What a mistake to get pregnant.

 

It's not a planned pregnancy.

 

Alcoholics make terrible partners

 

I'd normally agree, but what I have seen of him in the past 4 years wasn't terrible, it was great. The only bad thing I can say about him is his addiction.

 

Do you really want to be with someone with an addiction that takes first place over you and the potential children?

 

Of course not.

 

AlAnon is for people who are addicted to the addicted.

 

Thanks, I'm going to take a look at it.

 

Will your boyfriend be willing to join AA and seek professional help such as check himself into an addiction clinic?

 

Not at the moment. He believes that it's unnecessary for him to seek any kind of help because it didn't help him years ago.. But I don't know if this would change if he knows that I'm pregnant.

 

Do not expose a child to this. You should have been gone, long ago.

Yes you should.

Addicts make horrible parents. Do right by your child.

This is a terrible environment to raise your child and until your guy sees the problem, as a problem, there's no hope he will change.

Unless and until he gets sober, and stays that way, your life and that of your child will be hell.

If your boyfriend refuses to get professional help, there's no sense remaining in the relationship with an alcoholic who will make your and your child's life miserable forever. Think of your future.

 

I guess then breaking up with him is sadly the best thing I can do for myself and the child.

I'd normally agree, but what I have seen of him in the past 4 years wasn't terrible, it was great. The only bad thing I can say about him is his addiction.

 

Addiction is a progressive and incurable disease. As a person in long term recovery I have to continue to work on myself and every day commit to staying clean and being a good person. This is 23 years later.

 

There are many lies we tell ourselves before we find recovery... one of them is that we have it under control. There are many lies family members tell themselves... some of them include "it's not so bad, he's trying, he has it under control".

 

I'm here to tell you that if he really did have it under control he would actually not need alcohol to function... he would be able to take it or leave it.

 

Alcohol is a deadly drug... it just takes longer than other drugs but eventually, it will take its toll on his life and yours.

 

And what Holly said... addicts and alcoholics make terrible parents as their drug of choice will ALWAYS come first.

 

You may want to educate yourself further because even if and when you split up... you will still have to deal with him as the father of your child. You can try Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous meetings to get some support with this, they are free and pretty great resources for information.

I second the suggestion in checking out some Al-Anon meetings.

 

Your relationship, after all, is founded on you validating his drinking problem. Before you started dating he showed you and told you he was alcoholic who had no real interest in changing, and in response you decided to keep dating him, commit to him, the ultimate gesture in signaling to another human that you accept them for who they are. Why? That is not asked in judgement but because understanding that mechanism inside you is important, since whatever mechanisms that drive him to do anything he does, including drinking—well, they are not things you can ever control, change, or fully understand.

 

So, being frank, you should have probably opted to not date him back then if his booze consumption was troubling, and probably should have left him a few times over by this point. Alas, it's never too late to make the right choice, and it seems that one of the gifts of getting pregnant is that it is pushing you to make the right choice and reevaluate your own choices. At least I hope it is, hope you can see it through that prism. But, again, you have to let go of the idea that a baby will change him, since you've already learned that love and commitment—as in of you, from you, with you—does not change him.

 

My mom was in your shoes. My father is a very kind drunk. He was that on their first date, that when they got married, that when they had a child, me, and it was always something that concerned her and something, at some point, she thought would change. Nope, 40 years later he is a very kind drunk. It's not the cartoonish stuff of after-school specials, which is what makes it all the more corrosive, because there is no rock bottom but just a pretty sad way to live and a way that brings a lot of sadness to others. My father, for instance, has never been violent with anyone, never driven a car into a tree, and if he saw you stranded by the side of the road? He would get your car running and put a smile on your face. You'd forgive the booze on his breath.

 

But while he was probably a pretty fun boyfriend, he was a lousy husband and a lousy dad. I liked how I grew up—my mom split from him when I was very young, gave us a good life, and dad was around-ish for a chunk of it. Then he kind of opted out, slipped away, so part of my life is having a father who just didn't have it in him to be a dad, or really much of a man. He pops in here and there with a text, but all in all? He's gone, doing whatever, with a good buzz on. He's too nice a guy for me to really say anything bad about him, but he is a guy for who prefers to live by escaping life than engaging in it, as people with drug problems tend to do.

 

That escapist instinct? It is in your boyfriend, predated you, and will post-date you. It has nothing to do with you, in short, though as things stand you are a source of validation: someone who mirrors back to him that the choices he is making, and the way he is living, is okay. Replace "alcoholism" with "bad at cleaning up" and you'd have the same difficulty in seeing a big difference with some patience, though that's magnified about a zillion times here, because we're taking about a chemical dependence.

 

He may very well, like my father, be able to live with this. But can you live with him like this? Without a pregnancy I'd challenge you to ask that very seriously, and with a child on the way, should you opt to go that route? Well, I wouldn't try to trick yourself into seeing this all for anything but what it is.

Though the odds aren't promising, there are countless stories of someone becoming a parent that was the turning point and motivation for lasting change.

 

You say you don't know if it would make a difference? So why haven't you told him?

 

No matter the outcome, he's going to be a father. There is no changing that.

 

You may as well use the time now and then to find out what he's capable of.

Better than waiting until after the baby is here. You'll at least have some idea of what's in store for you and can come up with a plan.

I guess then breaking up with him is sadly the best thing I can do for myself and the child.

That ^^^ and following through with some of those alanon meetings. Most people would automatically run away from someone who abuses alcohol or any other drug when they first discover that they are substance abusers. It is concerning to me that running away wasn't your first thought. Alanono will help you to figure out why your instincts didn't just tell you what you should do.

 

Was either of your parents or a guardian growing up have a substance abuse problem?

If you are confused as to what to do, go to some AA or Al-Aon meetings yourself to get help on how to handle your situation. Those meetings are not just for alcoholics but people who are struggling in a relationship with one.

That ^^^ and following through with some of those alanon meetings. Most people would automatically run away from someone who abuses alcohol or any other drug when they first discover that they are substance abusers. It is concerning to me that running away wasn't your first thought. Alanono will help you to figure out why your instincts didn't just tell you what you should do.

 

Was either of your parents or a guardian growing up have a substance abuse problem?

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

So why haven't you told him?

 

I don't really know.

 

Was either of your parents or a guardian growing up have a substance abuse problem?

 

No, besides him, I don't (knowingly) know anyone with a problem like this.

 

Though the odds aren't promising, there are countless stories of someone becoming a parent that was the turning point and motivation for lasting change.

 

Even though I start to doubt that he would try to stop because of my pregnancy more and more, I really hope that he's going to. Even when we would split up, I really hope for him that he's going to get over his addiction.

 

Your relationship, after all, is founded on you validating his drinking problem. Before you started dating he showed you and told you he was alcoholic who had no real interest in changing, and in response you decided to keep dating him, commit to him, the ultimate gesture in signaling to another human that you accept them for who they are. Why?

 

I wish I could give you a better response than this.

I already knew of his addiction long before we started dating, but I was sure that the relationship is going to work out just fine. And I mean, it's not a bad relationship. He seems to be a really high-functioning alcoholic. This was also probably the reason for me to decide to start dating him. If he would have been at a different stage of alcoholism back then, where he wouldn't be able to work etc., I would've probably decided against a relationship.

 

You may want to educate yourself further because even if and when you split up... you will still have to deal with him as the father of your child. You can try Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous meetings to get some support with this, they are free and pretty great resources for information

If you are confused as to what to do, go to some AA or Al-Aon meetings yourself to get help on how to handle your situation. Those meetings are not just for alcoholics but people who are struggling in a relationship with one.

That ^^^ and following through with some of those alanon meetings. Most people would automatically run away from someone who abuses alcohol or any other drug when they first discover that they are substance abusers. It is concerning to me that running away wasn't your first thought. Alanono will help you to figure out why your instincts didn't just tell you what you should do.

 

Thanks for the tips, I'm going to take a look at it in the near future.

I have twice been in a relationship with different people who were alcoholics. There is only one thing in the world that can change him and that thing is himself. Not you, fatherhood or anyone or anything.

 

It’s a decision that has to come from him and you have zero control over that. Your hoping that he will change will only serve to draw you in further to the damage his drinking will cause for you, him and your relationship.

 

Which leaves you with a decision to make whether or not you want to stay.

Anyone can be "nice," your server at the restaurant, the clerk at the post office, anyone on a first date. Being "nice" to someone is the baseline requirement to go on a second date and not the ONLY thing that should make a relationship. You should not chain yourself to an alcoholic for life.

I have twice been in a relationship with different people who were alcoholics. There is only one thing in the world that can change him and that thing is himself. Not you, fatherhood or anyone or anything.

 

I know someone who was an alcoholic. One day when his son was a year old, Dad was on the couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other, the baby wanted attention and Dad swatted the baby on the diaper because he felt annoyed. That was the last drink he ever had. Something changed for him in that moment. He felt so guilty.

 

Mom continued to drink. They stayed together for a couple years more, until he left and was granted primary custody of the child.

 

Mom is still an alcoholic to this day. When the boy was old enough to have a voice, (10?) he stopped going to his mothers home for visitations.

 

I know this is a rare outcome. But it does happen.

First of all congrats!. I can understand how you are feeling but be encouraged. You can only work on yourself. Your boyfriend has to want to seek counselling about his drinking problem which can become worse, but really is just a symptom of a deeper issue. You can encourage him but not much more. You cannot and will not change him so please do not think that you will. Your responsibility is you and your unborn baby. Your health and soundness of mine are paramount so you need to prioritize. God Bless.

I know someone who was an alcoholic. One day when his son was a year old, Dad was on the couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other, the baby wanted attention and Dad swatted the baby on the diaper because he felt annoyed. That was the last drink he ever had. Something changed for him in that moment. He felt so guilty.

 

Mom continued to drink. They stayed together for a couple years more, until he left and was granted primary custody of the child.

 

Mom is still an alcoholic to this day. When the boy was old enough to have a voice, (10?) he stopped going to his mothers home for visitations.

 

I know this is a rare outcome. But it does happen.

 

Because he had his light bulb moment and could see the direction in which he was going and decided to change his course right then and there. For most, that moment comes after far greater hardships than what your friend had when reaching his epiphany, if it comes at all. Some even come close to death (I've seen it) and some actually reach death before they recover. Some become "functioning" alcoholics (I have a couple of them in my family and I work with a couple of them). Your friend was very lucky. It very rarely resolves itself that easily or quickly.

 

Most have to hit rock bottom before any change can happen. The change that then occurs is they get sober or they give in and let their lives become destroyed. Some walk a fine line between holding it together and falling apart, but they still cannot and don't want to stop drinking. That's because it's a conclusion that the alcoholic can only come to of their own volition. And most don't get there and don't want to.