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Thread: Boyfriend dumped me then changed his mind..?

  1. #1

    Boyfriend dumped me then changed his mind..?

    Iíll try to make this as short as I can...
    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Iíve known him for almost 6 years though. We always had a thing for each other but never did anything about it. Eventually, I decided to make the first move, and weíve been together ever since. The beginning of our relationship was pure love. But the last few months have been a little rocky. We bicker and disagree more often than we used to. I know that thatís normal for long-time relationships, but it really bothers him how much we, in his words, ďargueĒ. I donít really consider it arguing because we donít say hurtful things or raise our voices. We just have disagreements. So last night I got some crappy news about a job I had booked a few months ago. The guy I had worked with was not following up and I finally heard back from him only to find out that heíd lost everything we had worked on together. So I was pretty bummed. I called my boyfriend to tell him what happened because he knew all about my frustrations with the guy. When I was talking to him (on FaceTime) he seemed distracted and pre-occupied, so I apologized for taking up so much time and said I could call him back later if he wanted. He said, ďNo, youíre fine... You just get really upset about a lot of things all the time. And itís frustrating when you talk to me about things, because I can tell how upset you are and it makes ME upset. Itís just hard for me.Ē He had maybe told me this once or twice before, but I thought I was doing a lot better at keeping certain frustrations to myself. Evidently not. I said, ďOh.. Well you shouldíve told me babe. I didnít know it bothered you that much.Ē Long story short, I could tell there was something on his mind but he just didnít want to say it. So I asked him if he wanted to break up with me. He immediately broke down and said, ďNo.. No, I really donít.. But I think I have to. I think itís the healthy thing for me to do. Iím so sorry. Iím so so sorry...Ē I kind of just sat there stunned. Never in my life did I think he would break up with me. OVER THE PHONE at that. I was in complete denial at first. I said, ďAbsolutely not. I did not work my ass off for the last 6 years to get us together so that you could dump me over the phone. All I wanted to do was tell you something ty that just happened to me. Iím sorry I even called. But you are not breaking up with me right now. I will not lose you.Ē And he said, ďIím sorry, I just.. I really need to.Ē And I said that if there are certain things that I do that he doesnít like that he needs to tell me and communicate effectively, because otherwise Iíll continue to do them. I literally begged him to give me a chance to work on things and he said there was no point. At some point during the conversation I realized that he had really made up his mind. I texted my mom and told her I needed her to come to my room ASAP. She came in and I explained what was going on while I had him on mute and I asked her to just help me if I got too emotional. I was worried Iíd have a panic attack. My mom tried to talk some sense into him, but he still didnít change his mind. He kept saying he was so sorry and that he loved me so much. I said ďYou donít have any right to say that to me anymore. Not anymore..Ē I was a wreck. I couldnít stop crying. We had plans to go out of town together the next day, so I didnít know what to do about that. I had to go for work, and now I was going to have to find someone else to go with me in short notice... I donít remember how this happened, but he said he just wanted to give me a hug. He asked if he could come over. I said I guess so. He said, ďOkay, Iím coming right now.Ē We were both still bawling at this point. When we hung up I sat there with my mom just crying and talking. She said that the two people in a relationship have to work towards fixing things. They canít give up ďjust because.Ē I mean, my boyfriend didnít really give me an actual reason... Anyways, he called me on his way to my house and said, ďIím so so sorry. Iím so sorry. I will make this up to you for the rest of my life, I swear.Ē I was thinking.. Wait, what? He said, ďI donít know what the hell I was talking about, Iím so sorry. Please.. Iím sorry, Iím sorry.Ē When he got here he knelt next to my bed and we hugged each other and cried. He said, ďI didnít mean anything I said, Iím so sorry. I really am. Please forgive me. Please take me back.Ē I was just bawling saying, ďWhy would you do that to me?? Why did you do that??Ē All he kept saying was that he was sorry. I was ready to take him back in a heartbeat, because I love him so much and I had just gotten finished talking to my mom about needing to fix things instead of just throwing it away when it got rough. I want to work to improve our relationship... So now heís sleeping at my house and weíre still going out of town tomorrow morning... But my heart is still so broken. I just canít believe that he said those things to me. That he even contemplated breaking up. I havenít let him kiss me since everything and Iím just very distant physically because I canít trust him right now. And Iím closed off emotionally too because I donít want to get hurt... What should I do? Someone please help... I love him. But is this bound to end? Or is it salvageable?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You sound quite angry in general. Have you considered getting evaluated by a doctor and getting a referral to a therapist to better cope with anger and frustration?

    Sorry but you do not own him and did not "work 6 years to get him". Unfortunately this type of possessiveness, manipulation and anger sounds abusive. He doesn't need your permission to break up.

    Sadly you are manipulating, almost forcing him to be with you, when it's clear he's tired of being dumped on about your everyday dilemmas and dramas. Let him go. He needs to get away from you until you figure out your anger. Find appropriate ways to manage your emotions.
    Originally Posted by mackmrtn1
    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We bicker and disagree more often than we used to.

    He had maybe told me this once or twice before, but I thought I was doing a lot better at keeping certain frustrations to myself.

    I said, ďAbsolutely not. I did not work my ass off for the last 6 years to get us together so that you could dump me over the phone. All I wanted to do was tell you something ty that just happened to me. Iím sorry I even called. But you are not breaking up with me right now. I will not lose you.Ē And he said, ďIím sorry, I just.. I really need to.Ē I was a wreck. I couldnít stop crying.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-27-2020 at 05:50 AM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    When you post, can you write in paragraphs? Its hard to read and I might have missed or misunderstood something.... but here are my general thoughts.

    1. the real problem, he has, is you lean on him emotionally, too much. This may not be wrong of you, but may signify incompatibility. He flatly said- this is unhealthy for him

    2. we all romanticize our relationships, all the love we have and all the odds we've over come together, but that has to be mutual. Its over dramatic and again, emotional to tell a person they can't break up with you. Mark my words anyone can leave you for any reason. The thing is, you have to love yourself enough to let them go with dignity.

    3. I get you're young... but pulling your Mom into the convo? Come on. that is totally not fair.

    4. He will break up with you again. His feelings of the relationship, being unhealthy, for him will win out. That is not something a person thinks and it goes away. Your over the top emotional response, caused him to panic. He does care for you, it is hard to break up with someone and we do wobble...

    5. Punishing him and being mad is more manipulation... And this is probably age related, too. but you should be wondering if this is right for you and exploring your own feelings. Right now you are operating out of fear.

    6. You are already hurt. And once that pattern of breaking up, then running over, professing to spend my whole about making it up to you starts... it just turns into a cycle...

    Both of you sound very young and immature (sorry. that's not an insult) but there's a lot to learn about true love and even self love here. You will probably hurt each other for a while and end.

    Your next relationship will be better. We all have this in our past... We have all been there.

    Good luck.

  4. #4
    I hear what youíre saying and I respect your opinion. I donít agree that I am manipulative though. I think the way that I wrote the story may sound like I am. I wasnít bossy and directive. I was sobbing and saying it in a ďi canít believe this is happeningĒ way. I never even asked him to come over it was his idea, and he was very clear that he wanted to. I honesty didnít want him with me at first, but I decided that it was best for us to talk in person. Thank you for your feedback.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Thank you for sharing. I donít think I lean on him. I tell him things that make me happy, sad, angry, etc. Thatís normal for any relationship. He feels that I work myself up and in return makes him upset that IM upset.
    I know that he CAN leave me, but I was in denial that he actually was.
    I ďpulled my mom into itĒ because she asked what was going on because she heard me crying. I texted her asking her to come upstairs for comfort. She did not intervene until my boyfriend asked for her help because sheís been married and divorced before. Iím sorry you fee that thatís immature.
    I am certainly not punishing him. He asked to come over. I was upset and he wanted to comfort me. He and I are very close and have never gotten in such a tense argument before. He chose. I did not guilt him.
    I already told him that if this happens again that we should probably go our separate ways because one time can be a slip-up on my part for not being a good partner. Twice is a different situation.
    Not sure why I sound young and immature to you. We are both grown adults. I am going through a very hard time right now. I have never experienced heartbreak or a breakup before. I think everyone commenting is being a little harsh and judgmental. I know the way he and I are together, no one else does. So I am confident that we can try to work things out. Also, saying ďsorry, no offenseĒ doesnít make anything you say before or after hurt any less. That being said, respect your opinions. Thanks again for sharing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are? It can help with context.

    Anyhow, the moment I would focus on right now, if you have any hope of this working, is the moment when you asked him if he'd like to breakup with you. Because that? That is manipulative. It is the negation of another person's feelings by snuffing them out with your own, on a nuclear level.

    Think of it like this. Let's say my girlfriend is upset that I didn't wash the dishes, or because she felt I wasn't tuned into an emotional need, and in response I go, "Do you want to breakup with me?" What I just did is flipped the script, making everything about me, my pain, my fears, my anxieties. I've passive-aggressively demanded she soothe me when she was the one who initially wanted to be seen and heard.

    Do you do this regularly? Is "Do you want to breakup with me?" something that comes out of your mouth during conflict? If so, you need to really think about that. Because the impression I get, from your story, is that he is very tired of feeling that he might set you off and that he knows, deep in his cells, that that is super unhealthy dynamic, one where you are more each other's heroin than two human beings.

    Why are you uneasy, right now? Well, I wonder if it's because you also kind of recognize this, that you see his coming back around ("I didn't mean those things I said!") as him appeasing you at the expense of his authentic feelings. That is an awful way to feel inside a relationship, for all parties involved, because it makes the real feelings feel, well, fake or forced.

    I don't say all that to blame you, but because you, not him, is the only thing you can control. Your actions, your reactions. Anyone, after all, can leave anyone for any reason. That is actually what makes relationships so wonderful, so powerful: the daily choice an individual makes to be with another individual, without feeling forced or obliged.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mackmrtn1
    Thank you for sharing. I donít think I lean on him. I tell him things that make me happy, sad, angry, etc. Thatís normal for any relationship. He feels that I work myself up and in return makes him upset that IM upset.
    I know that he CAN leave me, but I was in denial that he actually was.
    I ďpulled my mom into itĒ because she asked what was going on because she heard me crying. I texted her asking her to come upstairs for comfort. She did not intervene until my boyfriend asked for her help because sheís been married and divorced before. Iím sorry you fee that thatís immature.
    I am certainly not punishing him. He asked to come over. I was upset and he wanted to comfort me. He and I are very close and have never gotten in such a tense argument before. He chose. I did not guilt him.
    I already told him that if this happens again that we should probably go our separate ways because one time can be a slip-up on my part for not being a good partner. Twice is a different situation.
    Not sure why I sound young and immature to you. We are both grown adults. I am going through a very hard time right now. I have never experienced heartbreak or a breakup before. I think everyone commenting is being a little harsh and judgmental. I know the way he and I are together, no one else does. So I am confident that we can try to work things out. Also, saying ďsorry, no offenseĒ doesnít make anything you say before or after hurt any less. That being said, respect your opinions. Thanks again for sharing.
    Did I say no offense? I think I said sorry this not an insult. Because it wasn't meant as one, you cannot read my tone and I was letting you know, I recognize some may take it as an insult. but it is not meant as one. Being young and immature is not a character flaw.

    I also stipulated that my advice, may be based on potential misunderstandings because the lack of paragraphs in your post.

    Lastly, you asked for opinions, I gave one. I obviously, do not know the entire story and you do not need to defend yourself to me or this forum.

    The beauty of an anonymous forum is the honest feedback on any situation. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When your boyfriend tried to address what his issue is with your behavior, your immediate reaction was to deflect and turn it around and make it about yourself. That is the definition of being manipulative. In your responses here, you are actually doing the exact same thing - you do not like what people are saying, so again in your responses you are deflecting and trying to turn it around on the posters that people are just being mean to you and you have so much going on and we just don't get it. See what you are doing? I hope so. I also hope that you take a deep breath, lower that defensive wall and actually think and figure out how not to react this way. It gets exhausting to deal with and it will wreck your relationships.

    As for the break up thing - that's a topic that should never come up in any relationship conversation unless you actually mean to break up. He called your bluff and took you up on your offer so to speak. When you became hysterical, he took it back, but now you are where you are - you have no idea if he is just temporarily appeasing you or really means to stay. I might not have a crystal ball, but life experience tells me that if you don't learn how to listen to other people, how to hear and accept constructive criticism and address problems without getting so defensive and tone death, he will walk for good sooner or later.

  10. #9
    Okay, Iíll respond to everyone in this thread... I am sorry if I am coming off as manipulative. Iím sorry if Iím getting defensive. I am protective of myself and my relationship. I have been reading all of these responses to my boyfriend as they all come in and he disagrees with the manipulation. And, no, I didnít manipulate him into think that. I asked him if he wanted to break up because he was saying ďI just donít think.. Like maybe we should just.. I donít want to hurt you.Ē I kind of think that implies heís trying to break up with me, and if he isnít, great, my mistake. I have literally never, ever asked him that before, so itís not like I always throw that in his face. I donít see how I made it about myself. I helped him through a panic attack and then said, ďLetís just take a deep breath. Tell me what youíre feeling. Whatís going on?Ē How the heck is that manipulative? My boyfriend is dumping me and I check in on his emotions to make sure heís stable enough to talk to me about it? How the? And he and I both take anxiety meds every day. weíve both gone through a lot. Together and separately. I have been to tons of therapists before and they have told me I have BPD. Doesnít mean I have multiple personalities, it means emotions that I feel are heightened. I am an adult. He is an adult. We are both adults. Iím sorry if I donít take this input well. This is all just a lot. And I didnít expect everyone to pretty much tell me Iím at fault and Iím in a dead-end relationship thatís going to end because Iím manipulative and too dependent on my boyfriend.... I donít know if you guys realize how hard it is to hear from multiple people all at once. Itís a lot easier when itís not your life and itís over a screen, but this is real for me. And it hurts. And that was not turning things back on myself and/or being manipulative. Iím just saying how I feel. And all I wanted from this forum was validation. That doesnít mean telling me Iím in the right, but just some sort of comfort. I appreciate everyoneís feedback. Thank you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mackmrtn1
    And all I wanted from this forum was validation.
    I am sorry that you're feeling hurt, and if anything I said caused that hurt. I feel terrible now, since it wasn't my intention. Can you forgive? Can we start fresh? I think you are incredible, as I'm sure he is too. You guys are in a tough spot, yeah, but it's going to pass, and when it does? You guys are going to be stronger for it. Love is complicated, sometimes sweet, sometimes sour, and I'm certain that the love you guys have for each other will solve this soon.

    Is that what you mean by validation? Do you want me, a random internet person with not even a dog hair in the dog fight of your life, to watch you get venomous and respond by validating that venom in soothing language of understanding, affection, and capitulation? Because your boyfriend did exactly that, and yet instead of it soothing you it led you to post on a forum looking for more validation, with everything just getting more venomous. That is a cycle worth observing, and acknowledging, so you can try to create a different cycle.

    This is an advice forum, not a validation forum. You yourself brought up all the troubling ideasóthat this may be unsalvageable, that it may be "bound to end"óthat you are now furious at the collective us for taking seriously. That puts usóbut, really, youóin what is called a lose-lose situation. It's a situation your boyfriend found himself in the other day, and perhaps has been in before, where his feelings are minimized while yours are maximized. If you don't like the word "manipulation" in defining all that, fine. Call it whatever you will, but pretending it's not a thing won't make it disappear.

    You two have a very real fire to put out. It is not an impossible task, not necessarily. But gasoline is not the solution.

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