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Thread: Boyfriend dumped me then changed his mind..?

  1. #11
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    Write in paragraphs!!!

    You sound very dramatic. Stop going over the same thing, over and over with him.

    Do you have a social circle outside of him?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok focus on excellent follow up with your physicians and therapists. Make sure you are feeling stable and in control. That is less self-exacerbating than adding stress to stress and instability to instability.

    Perhaps employ some lifestyle changes that include soothing practices. Join some yoga, tai chi etc classes and perhaps some support groups. Get outdoors more and engage in more physical activity.

    You can start to spiral this in a calmer direction with help and managing stress and emotions in more meaningful ways. Being at each others throats just creates more stress.

    Do not use each other as therapists. If you had a bad day, don't dump on him. Learn coping techniques and get regular talk therapy and group therapy for that..
    Originally Posted by mackmrtn1
    And he and I both take anxiety meds every day. I have been to tons of therapists before and they have told me I have BPD.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You state that the two of suffer from anxiety. Anxiety can be contagious. If you are being anxious and venting about your current challenges, you in turn spike his anxiety.

    Look, I have anxiety. I avoid people with anxiety as much as possible. We can be sponges to others emotions.
    I suspect in the moment when you were sharing your troubles with him, he became flooded and wanted to run away. Hence him trying to end things. It makes me wonder how often you do this with him.

    What do you do going forward? I understand we all want partners to support us, but some of the best advise is to maybe try leaning on a friend sometimes instead. Maybe try some self soothing and looking inward to resolve a problem. Not everything needs to exercised at another persons expense. We can wear out our partners if we go to them every time.

    You called your mom in to talk him out of it on face time? I don't know how to even address that.

    The beginning of our relationship was pure love. But the last few months have been a little rocky. We bicker and disagree more often than we used to. I know that thatís normal for long-time relationships, but it really bothers him how much we, in his words, ďargueĒ. < not sure what this looks like exactly, but no, normal couples don't bicker and disagree. At least not to the degree that one person wants out of the relationship entirely. It might be ok with you, but by the looks of things his experience is different.

    You have this opportunity to reevaluate things and try to do things differently. I doubt stonewalling him, which is basically a form of punishment, is helping the matter.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by mackmrtn1
    She said that the two people in a relationship have to work towards fixing things. They canít give up ďjust because.Ē I mean, my boyfriend didnít really give me an actual reason...
    Mom is plain wrong on this point.

    People don't have to work on a relationship if they don't want to, and yes, they can break up with you even if you don't like it or don't understand the reason. It hurts a lot, but he doesn't need your seal of approval to walk away.

    The same applies to your own reaction to the breakup: "I was in complete denial at first. I said, ďAbsolutely not. I did not work my ass off for the last 6 years to get us together so that you could dump me over the phone. All I wanted to do was tell you something ty that just happened to me. Iím sorry I even called. But you are not breaking up with me right now. I will not lose you.Ē

    I'm sure you don't mean to be, but that comes across as highly controlling and entitled. You can't and shouldn't ever attempt to force someone to be with you. He doesn't owe it to you, regardless of how many years you spent trying. You cannot negotiate human relationships like this. Nor should you mom have been part of that conversation between you and him, regardless of who invited her in. It's a boundary that should not be crossed, and you need to learn to manage your own relationships. She can be there to support you, obviously, but to talk sense into him? No. He doesn't need "sense" talked into him simply because you and she didn't agree with his choice. Who's to say your sense is more correct than his?

    Regardless, I think you two are going to find it hard to come back from this. He was obviously not that happy anymore. You have lost your sense of security in the relationship, and will probably spend a long time wondering if he's there truly of his own volition or if he's just trying to appease you. This is why your approach to this was so deeply misguided. You won't really know now if he might have found his way back to you on his own. All you can do now is work on establishing better boundaries (keep Mom out of your relationship) and being open to really listening to him rather than bulldozing over his feelings and virtually demanding he do what you want. If you're choosing to stay with him, you are choosing to work on things too - and deliberately punishing him is only going to make things worse. I can understand you don't immediately feel warm and fuzzy with him, and it could take time to really want to be close to him, but that's the challenge you undertook when you decided to give this another go. It's not only him who will have to make things right, so to speak. You will, too.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    So I asked him if he wanted to break up with me.

    You asked the question & he honestly answered it.

  7. 02-28-2020, 12:50 AM

  8. 02-28-2020, 02:59 AM

  9. 02-28-2020, 03:01 AM

  10. 02-28-2020, 05:49 AM

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