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Thread: Husband’s strange behavior

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Agree... we should all keep our eyes open for strange behaviour. Key word "strange" I don't think masturbating to other women's boobs as "strange" behaviour though. What I find "strange" in this story is the fact that the women exchanged breast pics and the Op kept the pics in her "messages" rather than transferring them to the photo album in her phone. Hell, why she even exchanged boob pics with her friends in itself is odd to me.
    While I do not disagree... for me the strange parts are:
    1. remembering the pics are there.
    2. How did he know she didnt delete. Would he have to back to find the pics?
    3. And then all the deleting
    4. Lying about where the phone was
    5. deleting messages

    Is it too much pre-meditation? Too complicated of an excuse for deleting something in the phone? Or is it more?

    Was he using her phone to communicate with the girfriend?

    Cheaters and liars are creative...

    Maybe I've been reading this forum too long!

  2. #22
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Anything is possible but as I said, conjecture does nothing to help the Op to process this when that conjecture is so negative and there isno actual proof. Op hasn't even come back to say if she's noticed any other shady behaviour from her husband prior to this episode of espionage. :)

    I'm still wondering why she feels "unattractive" and why she needed to share boob pics with female friends for "body image" purposes. I think that says a whole lot about the op's self image in itself.

    Anyway... I guess it doesn't matter what we think. Op just needs to have a nice chat with her hubs or forget about it and keep an eye open for signs (if any) going forth.

  3. #23
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That's why I think he has snooped before and he knew they were in her phone so he may have developed a habit of going to them to pleasure himself and may have deleted them so he wouldn't continue the habit. That too is conjecture but I'm thinking this is just the first time Op noticed her phone gone.

    Yes, they should talk about it but before they do, I think the Op shouldn't be feeling unattractive because he admitted to using someone other than her boobs to do it. Variety is the spice of life and we (IMO) shouldn't expect our other halves to just use our boobs (or whatever) as a visual. She left a quagmire of titillation for him to indulge in afterall. They are deleted and gone now which they should be IMO. I don't think my hubby would want my boobs out there for all to see. If he is looking then chances are the other husbands are as well.

    Cheers.
    Of course she shouldn't be feeling unattractive. It's like saying because my husband watches porn, he finds me unattractive. I just don't think her feeling attractive or unattractive is really the core issue here, because the whole situation doesn't jive well IMO. So, keeping eyes open, conversation about it etc. are important.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    Of course she shouldn't be feeling unattractive. It's like saying because my husband watches porn, he finds me unattractive. I just don't think her feeling attractive or unattractive is really the core issue here, because the whole situation doesn't jive well IMO. So, keeping eyes open, conversation about it etc. are important.
    Agree... I'm just talking about the unattractive bit because its the only thing the Op has given us that tells us why she's started this thread. She says: "I feel upset and unattractive to him right now." If she thought he was cheating why not say "I fear he is cheating on me?" (which is the original conjecture I suggested we don't fuel).

    She also said:
    I don’t know if I am overreacting or not in being upset. Please give me opinions
    My opinion, is she shouldn't feel upset, she shouldn't worry about her c-section taking away anything from her attractiveness to him and just take the masturbation at face value as it being a visual like any other porn.

    I had a c/s with our second baby 4 months ago.
    What I'm seeing in her Op is that her attractiveness to him IS the point of her thread. At least it is a big part of it anyway.

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  6. #25
    He didn’t delete the thread with my friends from my phone. He deleted my message thread with him on my phone. I hadn’t ever deleted it because I just don’t delete my messages. I have messages from 5 years ago in my phone still.. they’re all the way at the bottom so it doesn’t ever get seen. I honestly forgot that was even on there.. I have deleted it now though.. it isn’t the same to me as him watching porn. He watches porn and I know about that. That has never bothered me. This did because it is a real person that I know.. I say I feel unattractive because this girls body is completely opposite of mine. She has huge boobs, thick thighs, and a curvy waist. I am the opposite. Very thin. So I’m thinking in my head that he finds that more attractive. I don’t know. I am not literally asking other people to tell me how to feel. I feel how I feel and that’s that. I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have two kids together.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by damnedifido
    He didn’t delete the thread with my friends from my phone. He deleted my message thread with him on my phone. I hadn’t ever deleted it because I just don’t delete my messages. I have messages from 5 years ago in my phone still.. they’re all the way at the bottom so it doesn’t ever get seen. I honestly forgot that was even on there.. I have deleted it now though.. it isn’t the same to me as him watching porn. He watches porn and I know about that. That has never bothered me. This did because it is a real person that I know.. I say I feel unattractive because this girls body is completely opposite of mine. She has huge boobs, thick thighs, and a curvy waist. I am the opposite. Very thin. So I’m thinking in my head that he finds that more attractive. I don’t know. I am not literally asking other people to tell me how to feel. I feel how I feel and that’s that. I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have two kids together.
    Maybe you just need some time to decide how you feel.

    I think multiple body types are attractive. Just because my partner is one way, that doesn't mean that's the only type I like.

    Hope that helps.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He doesn't have to delete your/his message thread. Your postpartum and/or self-image issues are unrelated to this. The best thing to do is get to a doctor for an evaluation and a referral to a therapist privately and confidentially. You need to discuss your own issues as well as the general state of your marriage.

    Size of body parts and the reason he sneaked your phone out to delete his messages to you are completely unrelated. You need to stop believing his boob and friends story.

    Sneaking off with with your phone and deleting messages is bad enough but he's either hiding something or gaslighting you. This is why you need to stop crying in your lap or to him about your boobs and get to a therapist...privately..
    Originally Posted by damnedifido
    He deleted my message thread with him on my phone. He watches porn and I know about that. That has never bothered me.I have bad anxiety so I just never know if I am overreacting or not. Everything is an internal crisis in my mind. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have two kids together.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Was he using her phone to communicate with the girfriend?

    Cheaters and liars are creative...
    Use is wife's phone to call a girlfriend? That's a leap.
    For that matter she can check her phone statement and rule that out.
    But unless he's just not very smart, I doubt he'd use his wife's phone for that.

    But like you said, nothing surprises me anymore.

    When all is said and done, it's not worth ending a marriage over. It's definitely something the two of you will need some time to work through.

  10. #29
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I still think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. To answer your question, if you're thin and your husband masturbates to someone fuller, doesn't mean that he likes that body type more than yours. All kinds of bodies can be attractive and sometimes it really just depends on what you're in the mood for. Maybe in his next porn search he'll use a skinny model again, who knows. Point is, he married you for a reason, because he finds you attractive and because you are so much more to him than just a body.

    I understand you're vulnerable right now. I had a c section too and I understand that coming to terms with the new scar takes a bit of time. On top of that breastfeeding, tending to baby. I still think you are too hyper focused on this attraction thing though, and that you are ignoring all sorts of bad behavior. Why did he sneak in your phone and delete messages? That's not ok, regardless of what he was using it for. I'd try to find some therapy to get you back on track about self image. You shouldn't care whether he likes big or small boobs, at this point he's violated your trust and THAT is what you need to focus on here and uncover why.

    How does he make you feel aside from this incidence?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The phone logistics, to my non-alarmist nature, seems pretty explainable. What seems to have happened is: he went into the old thread, came across the saucy photo of your friend, and texted it to himself. After which it hit him that—gulp!—that text would now appear in your texts with each other, and so, feeling flummoxed, he went and deleted the whole thing.

    Past the post-pregnancy body issues—to which I want to remind you that: you are awesome and beautiful and I bet he feels the same!—I think what you've got here is some post-pregnancy disconnection on the intimacy front. I'm not talking sex, specifically, but just a level of connectivity that is a little static right now. In static-y times people get thirsty, and when people get thirsty they seek spice in strange closets. He found it in a boob shot of your friend. Not cool.

    Good news? I highly doubt this is how either of you want to be inside a marriage, nor do I think either of you want to end this marriage. So can this be a very awkward moment that steers the ship back on course? Might take some time to answer that question—and might take some therapy—but I think time is on both of your sides here, not working against you.

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