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Thread: Dont know what to do

  1. #11

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    Thank you for your advice, it is exactly what i came on to this forum for. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean two people leave their marriage and kids and quickly end up together... you may not respect your wife enough not to pretty damn extensively betray her, but give her credit for at least having the intelligence of a 2-year old.

    Generally spreaking, I'm actually all about the cheater shouldering the guilt and not adding to the sin by demolishing their partner's sense of trust, but I can't see a conclusion where your wife can't at least piece it together. 10 month affair, serious talks of leaving your families... that's not the still-terrible-but-not-nearly-as-terrible excuse of a drunken "whoops." At no point do you entertain just ending the affair. Sounds like you're determined to keep it going while married or carry through with the fantasy you and this other woman have drawn up. It sounds like the best you can do is tell your wife now so that she can get her ducks in a row and not suffer the betrayal once you and this lady are out in the open.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by NoDisguise
    As someone who has been in a similar situation, I would advise you to tread very carefully.
    When you're in (or just out) of an affair which involved falling in love, you desperately want that feeling to last. Losing it can seem unbearable.
    But affairs can be like living in a bubble. There is huge excitement, all the novelty of finding someone new and connecting with them physically and emotionally. However you've already hinted at arguments, sexual problems and attempted break ups. These and much more could cause real problems down the line.

    Sit back for a moment and think of the consequences. Can you trust this girl to leave her husband and family? Even if she does, there is a strong possibility she could go back. Do you want to be responsible for breaking up her family? The truth about your affair will come out sooner or later and you will likely become a hate figure. She has had at least one previous affair. How do you know she won't do the same to you further down the line?
    And what about your own family? Unless your marriage is clearly on the rocks (from what you've said it isn't) they will be devastated and most likely angry. They may even cut you out of their lives. Can you cope with all that animosity as well as the turmoil of a divorce and trying to sustain a relationship with your new partner?

    This girl advises a period of separation from your spouses. That may well be a good idea for you even if she has already exited your life. 'Trying to sabotage' your marriage won't work. You either need to forget about your affair partner and concentrate on saving your marriage or tell your wife what has happened and make immediate preparations to leave.
    Remember that many marriages do survive affairs but very few relationships born from affairs last long.

    As I mentioned, I've been where you are and there is no judgement on my part. I'm just recommending that you sit back and consider your options and their likely consequences very carefully before making any major decisions. Good luck.

    How did it work out for you?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    She already had an affair before she met you?
    Her poor Husband & family, she sounds like a great catch!

    Seperate from your poor Wife, she deserves a better life than you are offering her

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    She is willing to leave her kids? She sounds like a real prize .
    He is doing the same.

  7. #16
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    What’s done is done. All you can do now is leave your wife without telling her about your infidelity and hope for the best. You would be wise to break it off with the other woman as well and again, hope for the best.

  8. #17
    Originally Posted by CJ11
    How did it work out for you?
    I stayed with my wife.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The OW left you exactly where you need to be: to decide whether you want to be all-in or all-out of your marriage.

    Doing that on your own instead of while involved with OW means the the outcome can be a decision you can trust rather than a choice that's influenced by someone outside of your marriage.

    Isn't that the bottom line choice for everyone in a troubled marriage?

    So start from there and work backward. If you can't answer at this time whether you want to be all-in and work on fixing your marriage, then consider getting legal advice to learn your options and potential consequences. If that doesn't help you decide, consider separating to give both you and your wife the opportunity to learn what life would be like without the other. After THAT you can decide whether you'll want to repair the marriage or divorce from it.

    Containing your decision about your marriage to the marriage itself is the only way to gain any kind of platform for realistic choices about your own future. Anything else is just a distraction, no matter how you slice it. The OW recognizes this and doesn't want to play. So put your focus where it needs to be and resolve the first part of your problem. The rest will either fall into place or not, but you'll be able to cross that bridge when you get there.

  10. #19

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The OW left you exactly where you need to be: to decide whether you want to be all-in or all-out of your marriage.

    Doing that on your own instead of while involved with OW means the the outcome can be a decision you can trust rather than a choice that's influenced by someone outside of your marriage.

    Isn't that the bottom line choice for everyone in a troubled marriage?

    So start from there and work backward. If you can't answer at this time whether you want to be all-in and work on fixing your marriage, then consider getting legal advice to learn your options and potential consequences. If that doesn't help you decide, consider separating to give both you and your wife the opportunity to learn what life would be like without the other. After THAT you can decide whether you'll want to repair the marriage or divorce from it.

    Containing your decision about your marriage to the marriage itself is the only way to gain any kind of platform for realistic choices about your own future. Anything else is just a distraction, no matter how you slice it. The OW recognizes this and doesn't want to play. So put your focus where it needs to be and resolve the first part of your problem. The rest will either fall into place or not, but you'll be able to cross that bridge when you get there.
    Thank you for your advice, this is logical and i think my best course of action. I do need time as my emotions are still running high.

  11. 03-02-2020, 09:48 PM


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