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Thread: Has anyone felt anger towards their deceased loved one during grief?

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    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Has anyone felt anger towards their deceased loved one during grief?

    Has anyone had their anger directed towards their deceased loved ones. With age-old expressions like Ďdonít speak ill of the dead,í itís no wonder some might feel that acknowledging their anger is as good as besmirching their loved oneís memory.For instance, a death by overdose, drunk driving, etc in which you feel anger that they used a substance and put themselves in harmís way. A death by risky behavior (high-speed driving, risky sports, riding a motorcycle, etc) in which the death feels avoidable.Can anyone relate? Yes i know people make their own choice but those choices also impact the ones that are left behind

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    People can be angry at just a natural causes death . I remember my mom screaming ,Ēhow dare you leave me ď, when her mother died. Her mom died of a heart attack.

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    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I still feel hurt and anger (along with admiration, respect and gratefulness) toward my mother and she passed away in the 1990s.

    We had such a difficult relationship. I struggle between being grateful to her for all she did for us kids and for how she taught me to be an independent woman, and anger and hurt for the many ways she insulted me and frequently told me how inadequate and unwanted I was. She said some absolutely horrible things to me that no mother should ever say to her child. But, she also taught me to be strong.

    I'm completely conflicted about her.

    My brother, on the other hand, seems obligated to speak of her as though she were a saint. He really believes in the edict of "never speak ill of the dead". Well, another thing our mother taught us was not to lie.

    So yeah, I get it.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I donít think I was ever angry at my grandma for dying . I just felt severe guilt because she passed away in my arms.

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    Yes. I lost my younger sister to cancer several years ago and anger was one of the feelings I had about it. Not really angry at her, but at the situation and the fact that our relationship was very strained and now the fact that it wasn't going to be repaired was final. But she was released from her pain and I know that we loved each other and that's all that matters.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Anger is one of the 5 stages of grief along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

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    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    Has anyone had their anger directed towards their deceased loved ones. With age-old expressions like Ďdonít speak ill of the dead,í itís no wonder some might feel that acknowledging their anger is as good as besmirching their loved oneís memory.For instance, a death by overdose, drunk driving, etc in which you feel anger that they used a substance and put themselves in harmís way. A death by risky behavior (high-speed driving, risky sports, riding a motorcycle, etc) in which the death feels avoidable.Can anyone relate? Yes i know people make their own choice but those choices also impact the ones that are left behind
    I remember that after my brother took his own life my most difficult cross to bear was anger, followed by "what could I have done, how did I miss the signs, did he realize the damage our family had to endure, etc."

    I still to this day have my anger moments, as well as some of the other stages of grief. This is all very normal, yet you eventually learn to accept it-(the last of the stages) yet going back and forth as time goes on is also normal. In addition to that everyone grieves differently, and it's far from a walk in the park.

    Have you lost someone recently?

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, I was angry at my late father for knocking my mother's teeth out when she was a 22 year old newlywed and for the next hellacious years of their marriage. I was angry at my late father when one day when I awoke, he left my mother with 3 young children to raise all by herself. He never said good-bye to his kids nor paid a penny of child support. I was angry at him for saddling my mother with $80K debt due to endless loans and I was angry that he never had a stable job. He was the most selfish man I had ever known.

    There was a ripple effect due to my late father's reckless behavior. My mother couldn't afford childcare so my grandmother provided horrible daycare. She slept all day and left my baby brother in his crib all day without milk nor a diaper change. He went crazy, became all sweaty and plucked all the stuffing out of his teddy bear. This tragic neglect stunted his developmental growth to this day. Then when she took my brother in his stroller later in the day 5 miles away, she left me locked out of my house from after school to after 9PM at night so there I sat on the cold front porch without any dinner to be had. Talk about the impact the ones that are left behind!

    Eventually, my late father left my mother as a young widow as she toiled at 3 jobs 7 days a week to raise 3 children all by herself.

    Nowadays, since so much time has lapsed, my bitterness and resentment has since faded. I hadn't forgotten though.

    I focus and concentrate on feeling gratitude nowadays with my new life. I have a great husband, two amazing sons, stable home life and live a quiet, calm, NORMAL life in the suburbs. I enjoy my peaceful house with roses and a white picket fence. I count my blessings. Don't live in the past.

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    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Yes, I was angry at my late father for knocking my mother's teeth out when she was a 22 year old newlywed and for the next hellacious years of their marriage. I was angry at my late father when one day when I awoke, he left my mother with 3 young children to raise all by herself. He never said good-bye to his kids nor paid a penny of child support. I was angry at him for saddling my mother with $80K debt due to endless loans and I was angry that he never had a stable job. He was the most selfish man I had ever known.

    There was a ripple effect due to my late father's reckless behavior. My mother couldn't afford childcare so my grandmother provided horrible daycare. She slept all day and left my baby brother in his crib all day without milk nor a diaper change. He went crazy, became all sweaty and plucked all the stuffing out of his teddy bear. This tragic neglect stunted his developmental growth to this day. Then when she took my brother in his stroller later in the day 5 miles away, she left me locked out of my house from after school to after 9PM at night so there I sat on the cold front porch without any dinner to be had. Talk about the impact the ones that are left behind!

    Eventually, my late father left my mother as a young widow as she toiled at 3 jobs 7 days a week to raise 3 children all by herself.

    Nowadays, since so much time has lapsed, my bitterness and resentment has since faded. I hadn't forgotten though.

    I focus and concentrate on feeling gratitude nowadays with my new life. I have a great husband, two amazing sons, stable home life and live a quiet, calm, NORMAL life in the suburbs. I enjoy my peaceful house with roses and a white picket fence. I count my blessings. Don't live in the past.
    I am so sorry this happened to you.
    I am happy that you have found a "normal" life. xxx

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I lost my mom a year ago and while riding the waves of grief, I was angry for a couple of weeks. I had long talks with her, even though she was already gone. More like rants, is a better term.

    As crazy as it sounds now, I was mad at her that she didn't take care of herself. I felt she could have at least tried. She had such a cavalier attitude about death. . until she was dying. Then she was like a frightened child, wanting me to make it better. I was gutted and mad. `I can't fix this!'

    I was always encouraging -ok- riding her sometimes about being irresponsible. Not going to the doctor, not eating well, not getting out and basically just not caring enough to take care of herself.

    She'd often say `So what <shrug> I've lived a good life"

    I missed her terribly. I still do. I can't help but wonder if she even made some small changes, if we still could have kept her just a while longer.

    I was really angry. It kinda scared me. Then it passed. Now I'd just call it - disappointed and sad

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